


If The Sky Comes Falling Down

by jokerswild



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Descriptions of past torture, Drug Addiction, Eventual Fluff, Family Feels, Flashbacks, Fíli Whump, Gold Sickness, Hurt/Comfort, King Kíli, M/M, Memory Loss, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Overprotective Dwarves, PTSD, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Slow Burn, mentions of Fili/OMCs, references to past rape/non-con, references to past self harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-03
Updated: 2014-08-16
Packaged: 2018-01-07 05:59:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 19
Words: 155,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1116345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jokerswild/pseuds/jokerswild
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fíli has known Kíli is his One since the day he was born, but as incest is one of the greatest taboos of their culture he is unable to act upon this knowledge. Happy just to be by his brother's side, Fíli buries this secret deep inside himself to protect Kíli from the truth, and from the laws of their society.</p><p>Now that Erebor has been reclaimed, he hopes for a better future, but with Thorin taken by the gold sickness he finds that future strained under the weight of the King's expectations of the Crown Prince. In a fit of madness, Thorin sells Fíli to Dain and Kíli is left to pick up the pieces of a Kingdom that is falling apart, and he finds himself forced to wait five years before he can rescue his brother from Dain's clutches. But can Fíli ever forgive him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hey, Brother

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [It Took Us Leaving (For You to Notice We Were There at All)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/835342) by [jokerswild](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jokerswild/pseuds/jokerswild). 



> This is a "what if" AU to another fic jokerswild and I are writing. In that fic, Fíli and Kíli escape before Fíli is sold to Dain, but people wanted to see what would happen if they hadn't made their escape, and so this was born.
> 
> Unlike in ITUL, we decided not to include the transgender character (to be spoiler free if you've not read it) because we liked it as something unique to the original story we created. 
> 
> You do not have to read ITUL to understand this story. Chapter 1 and 2 are the parts from ITUL that preclude this story up to the split. Chapter 3 is when new material will start.
> 
> This story will have descriptions of past rape and torture, so please keep that in mind when reading. However, this is a fic that starts off dark and gets lighter, and the focus is predominantly on Fíli's recovery, and the slow repairing of his relationship with Kíli.
> 
> Title taken from [this.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YxIiPLVR6NA)
> 
> As always, Fíli is written by thorinoakenshield, Kíli by jokerswild. Other characters are shared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Fanmix inspired by this fic!](http://8tracks.com/f-ili/if-the-sky-comes-falling-down)

Fíli was _tired._

It wasn't so much a feeling, anymore, as it was a state of being. 

An ache deep in his bones that no amount of sleep could shake. 

Some days he was so exhausted that eating made him vomit, and even small tasks like bathing seemed onerous. 

His life no longer belonged to him. It belonged to the Crown Prince he was to become, and the strict routine set down by the King to help him become that Prince.

It was so similar to what he'd known growing up in the Blue Mountains, but harder. With longer hours, and extra work that left with him after every lesson.

Fíli would rise with the sun each morning and, usually lacking the time to grab breakfast, would run down to the practice yards to meet Dwalin, consort to King Thorin Oakenshield and Captain of his Guard. Dwalin would drill him in sword fighting, wrestling, archery, knife throwing, hammer wielding, and any other sort of weapons related training he could think of until the sun was high in the sky.

He'd have enough time to grab tea and toast from the kitchens before joining his Uncle to sit in on the afternoon's council meeting, where he got hands on training with running a high council and addressing the needs and wants of his people, and their home. 

After that he visited Balin in Erebor's grand library for lessons on history and politics, writing, reading, and linguistics until the time came for dinner, and, no matter how much they got done, there was always a stack of things for Fíli to bring back to his room to finish before the next day's lesson. When possible, he would take dinner in his room so he would be able to eat and work at the same time, making his way through the pile of missives and clerical work Thorin had sent to him each day, to ready him for the busywork of leading a kingdom. 

If Fíli was lucky, he would finish these and the work Balin had given him with enough time to collapse, fully clothed, into his bed for a couple hours before waking again to repeat the entire cycle.

Gone were the days of his childhood spent chasing dragonflies and imaginary monsters in the woods with the children of the village he grew up in. Fíli didn't have time to play, anymore, never mind make friends. 

A Crown Prince of Erebor had no need or purpose for friends, Thorin always told him whenever Fíli broached the topic of perhaps getting a day off to spend time with Ori or Bofur, who he'd become close with on the journey to take back their homeland. 

Sounded pretty lofty coming from Thorin, who still enjoyed the comfort of Dwalin's company.

The one ray of light in the otherwise dreary darkness of Fíli's life was Kíli. His beautiful, beloved, perfect baby brother.

Kíli, as the second heir to the throne, was spared the grueling routine Fíli was subjected to. While he still received training from Dwalin and Balin, it was only once every few days, and he had the freedom to train with the other dwarves that used the training grounds, and to study with Ori. He was well liked among their people for his constant cheer and willingness to walk among them as equals, to go to the taverns and the like.

His Kíli. His forbidden One.

Fíli had loved his brother since the moment Dis had placed the squirming, bloody infant in his arms and told him that he would be responsible for protecting and loving him the rest of their lives. 

He had _loved_ him nearly as long.

It was a cruel twist of fate that his brother would be his One, the other half of his soul and heart, for incest among immediate family members in their society was a crime on par with murder and treason, and punished just the same. He privately believed the law continued merely out of private disgust at the idea of such relations, even though it really was not anyone's business, and there was no real logic to any of it at all.

If Fíli were to admit his affections for his treasured One, he would likely be imprisoned and executed for his crimes. Especially with Thorin's mind gone to the gold sickness as it was. 

They had all hoped after the Battle of Five Armies, as it came to be known, Thorin's sanity would have returned to him, especially after seeing his nephew and heir lying in bed, covered by bandages and spitting blood from a great wound rent in his side. He had thrown Kíli aside from the swinging blade but had been unable to get his own sword up in time to parry the strike away from his flesh. 

But all Thorin had done is lament his shame that his heir would be so weak as to almost fall to an Orc blade, and barred anyone from visiting him until he had recovered, even Kíli, as punishment.

The separation had been excruciating, and when they had finally been allowed to see each other again he'd nearly cracked a rib with the tightness of Kíli's arms around him. 

He still bore a great, horrifying scar across his stomach that wound around to his back, only a few inches from severing his spine, but Fíli lived, Kíli was unharmed, and therefore Fíli was content. 

His beautiful brother had been the one constant in Fíli's life, the one thing he could always count on, the one he could always rely on to have his back. He would have gladly died that day to protect him, as he'd promised his mother he would all those years ago.

Fíli may not get to have Kíli the way he'd always wished he could, but if he could have him by his side, even just as his beloved younger brother. 

He always felt like Kíli would understand the feelings he harbored, even if they were not returned. The dirty affections he kept hidden ever since Thorin had found out. He knew now that these thoughts were wrong, and impure, and that he had to suffocate them and never speak of them to anyone, or else risk shaming his family, and his brother. Thorin had told him as much since he was a child. It was against their laws, and Fíli would never drag Kíli into that. 

Sometimes the wrongness of his feelings couldn't be contained, and instead of indulging in it, Fíli took it upon himself to punish himself. When the impure thoughts reared up inside him, he would pull at his hair, or bite at his arms, or drag his nails over his thighs until the skin was red and raw and hurt to touch. It felt good, to punish himself. Uncle would be proud of Fíli if he knew that his lesson had sunk in.

Maybe if Uncle knew Fíli had been so good he wouldn't currently have the young dwarf slung over the empty council table with a bloody nose and mouth, his tunic in tatters, raising welts across his back with the flogger in his hand. 

"How _dare_ you sleep at this table? You are a disgrace to your name, and a disgrace to the throne, you errant whelp," Thorin snarled, striking Fíli again with little mercy, the resulting grunt of pain like music to his ears. It took all of Fíli's will not to crawl away or turn and fight back, fingers curling into fists at the abhorrent pain in his back, skin already mottled purple-black with bruises from training with Dwalin that morning. He had been so overcome with exhaustion that he had fallen asleep during the council meeting, and the few minutes it'd gone unnoticed had been bliss. It hadn't been worth Thorin's rage upon waking, spitting out venomous words at his heir while the council fled from the room.

It was the gold madness talking, not Thorin. Fíli had to endure and it would be over soon. He was hewn from the stone itself. He was unmovable, unshakeable. Hard and unyielding.

Fíli was stone.

"I apologize, my King, for my disrespect, and the shame I have brought to our family. Please tell me what it is I can do to correct this mistake," he intoned, voice dull with pain and exhaustion as he lay there and took his punishment. Kíli was the one for whom he reserved emotion. No one else deserved to see Fíli beyond the mask of the Crown Prince. Not even their once beloved Uncle.

A pause in the beating, and Fíli could breathe again, great gulps of air that felt cold to his starved lungs. It all rushed back out of him, again, when he felt Thorin move close to him, his body like a furnace against Fíli's side.

He refused to meet that gaze.

He already knew look of disdain and disappointment that he would find there.

"Tonight at the feast, you will finally take yourself a wife," Thorin ordered, and it was as if all the life had been stolen from Fíli, his heart freezing in his chest and his throat constricting.

He did not want a wife.

Kíli was his cherished heart. Fíli had no desire to lie with another, man or woman. He certainly had no will to marry and father children with one. 

As if sensing the dismay in Fíli's mind, Thorin chuckled darkly and grabbed a fistful of golden hair, forcing Fíli to meet his gaze.

"You will find a wife tonight, Fíli, or else I will finally take King Dain up on his offer. He has written to say he would be mighty pleased to have you as his mistress, as you are well aware, and the coin he would be willing to pay for such an honor is quite generous."

Fíli wanted to throw up his meager lunch of buttered bread right in Thorin's smug face, fear coursing unbidden through his veins like ice water.

Thorin wouldn't _actually_ sell his sister-son off to be someone's pet whore, would he? Not for all the gold in Erebor would Thorin really consider such an offensive deal!

But the sick gleam in Thorin's eye said he would, and Fíli didn't know if he feared becoming Dain's possession most, or the knowledge that Kíli would be named heir and thus be subjected to all the strains and torments Fíli now suffered. Apparently _Dain_ was a distant enough relation that the old laws were satisfied.

"I.. I understand, my King. I will find a wife and future Queen this night, for the good of furthering the line of Durin," he whispered finally, a sigh shuddering from him when the large doors of the council room swung open to reveal Dwalin and his beloved Kíli, the former looking concerned and the latter just plain livid.

In his weakness, all Fíli could think about in that moment was how badly he wished to collapse into his brother's arms and sob. 

"Oh. Mister Dwalin. Can you apologize to Mister Balin for my lateness? My Uncle had something he wished to speak to me about," he said faintly, voice muffled by the blood still streaming unhindered from his nose. Thorin had swung at him the moment the room had been empty and the pain was unbearable, but he was pretty sure nothing was broken at least. It doesn't help, either, that the dwarf King still has one hand fisted in Fíli's hair at the back of his neck, and the flogger held tight in the other.

"Tell him I'll be along shortly once I clean up."  
Kíli was livid, absolutely furious with the scene he and Dwalin had walked in on. His once beloved Uncle, standing over his brother looking like he’d be more than happy to beat the life out of his heir. He had to clench his fists so tight that his nails broke the skin of his palms to keep from just grabbing his sword and going after the King. 

And oh didn’t he look pleased as punch with the brunet’s reaction. Kíli, unlike his golden brother, had never been able to hide his feelings and it seemed that his Uncle noticed just how angry he was.

No. The raven haired dwarf standing before him now wasn’t his Uncle Thorin anymore. The dwarf that had sat in front of the hearth with both of his sister-sons in his lap, reading stories of great dwarves until bed time was long gone. In his place was a despicable creature that only cared for gold, a creature that would kill Fíli if it pleased him.

It made Kíli want to be sick.

He had hear horror stories of Thror in the height of his gold sickness before Smaug had come, but he can’t remember any of the stories talking about his great-grandfather being so cruel. If any of Thrain’s children, or even Thrain himself, had suffered the same punishments as Fíli was now, it was never mentioned. All he had ever heard was that Thror had spent nearly all his time in the treasury and Kíli desperately prayed to Mahal, daily, that Thorin would follow in his grandfather’s footsteps. 

At least if the King did hide himself away, Fíli would be left alone.

He didn’t know how much longer his beautiful older brother could suffer under the weight of Thorin’s expectations before he finally broke. 

The rare times that they got to have a private moment together, Kíli saw the way Fíli’s shoulder’s sagged and how truly exhausted he was. The brunet had even started to worry that his brother was losing too much weight, but Balin had brushed it off when he had tried to bring it up. Something about it only being the weight that he had put on while Fíli had been recovering from his injuries.

Kíli didn’t think the elder dwarf was right, he remembered how thin they all got while they were in Mirkwood and Fíli was starting to look like that again. He had tried to get his brother to eat more, but the blond had told him about the times that he would throw up, so Kíli had stopped pestering him about it.

Some of the others from the company had started to notice, too. They asked Kíli about it when they all met up at the tavern sometimes but he couldn’t help but think that they didn’t actually want to know the severity of what Fíli dealt with day-to-day, so he would brush it off like Balin had done. Thorin was only trying to ready his brother to be the Crowned Prince of Erebor and Fíli was busy was all.

That seemed to appease a few of the older members of the group and the conversation would be dropped. Kíli would go on laughing and joking like he always did and it wasn’t until it was just Bofur, Nori, and himself that he would admit what was going on.

The three of them would sit in a booth in the corner and they would allow Kíli to talk about the things that worried him.

He always started talking about his brother and just how worried he was for his health but as the ale flowed he would switch to Thorin or anything else, afraid that the ale would loosen his lips too much and he would say something that he’d never be able to take back. It wasn’t the punishment that he was worried about, it was that if Fíli knew where Kíli’s heart truly lay, his golden brother would turn him away.

The youngest of Durin’s line survived a lot of things but if Fíli ever left him, he was sure it would kill him instantly.

He may not be able to hide his emotions behind a princely mask like his brother could but he had a lot of time to learn how to keep his secret buried. For a time he was content that Fíli stood next to him as his brother, and while he was still grateful for that now he was just happy that his brother was alive after everything they’ve been through.

Through if he was being truly honest with himself, there were times when he wondered how things could have been if they had died in the battle. Usually it was in the dead of night when he would berate himself for actually having a small semblance of fun while his brother suffered that he would start thinking about what could have happened.

They could be in the halls of their ancestors right now, with the parents he’d never known and Fíli would be safe from Thorin. They would drink and talk and for once his worn down older brother would smile, truly smile, like he had before the quest and that would make Kíli smile, too.

Fíli hardly smiled anymore and when he did, it was a tired thing that barely reached his eyes.

It breaks the younger’s heart more than he would ever admit.

“Lad, go help your brother get cleaned up so he isn’t any later than he already is,” Dwalin says. Kíli looks up to study the gruff warrior for a moment before he nods and moves towards his kin. As he moves closer to the pair, he thinks that the King won’t relinquish his grip on Fíli. Thorin’s blue eyes dart between his younger nephew and his consort, looking something like a caged animal, before he wordlessly moved away.

It took every bit of Kíli’s self control to not just close the distance between him and his brother and haul the blond out of the room and maybe even out of Erebor itself.

He was careful in helping Fíli up and made sure not to touch him more than absolutely necessary, lest Thorin start raving about Kíli being too soft, and guided the blond to one of the servants passages that lead up to their rooms.

Once he closed the solid wood door behind them, he took his jacket off as quickly as he could and wrapped it around Fíli’s shoulders, trying to cover the tattered mess that used to be his brother’s tunic.

“Mahal, Fee! What happened?” His brown eyes are wide with worry as he starts to smooth down Fíli’s golden tresses, messed up by Thorin’s grip.

“Did you breathe too loudly during the council meeting or what?” It sounded like an exaggeration but Kíli wouldn’t put it past the King to punish his brother for doing something that he needed to do in order to live. 

Fíli managed a tiny smile for Kíli before he's falling face first into his bed, shivering at the pain coursing through his system at even this little movement. He knows he's getting blood on the sheets and his brother's jacket, but he can't muster the energy to really care in that moment, wrapped up as he was in Kíli's scent.

"Fell asleep. Started snoring in the middle of that old Firebeard Lord's dusty speech about why Bard shouldn't be allowed to rebuild Dale," he sighed, reaching out to grab his handkerchief from the bedside table and pinching it over his nose. 

He could enjoy at least a few moments of rest while it still bled. He couldn't very well show up to the library with his face a mess of clotted blood. Fíli could already imagine Balin's spluttering anger at him getting red all over his precious book on ancient Khuzdul. 

The mental image gave him a chuckle, and he let his eyes fall shut so he could properly enjoy it, before he remembered the order he'd been given by their King.

Blue eyes flit open to stare up at Kíli, and he could only hope the brunet saw just how much these words made his heart ache.

"Thorin has ordered me to find a bride tonight, my brother," he admitted softly, sitting up with a strained sound and gesturing at his desk for Kíli to get bandages and antiseptic for his back. It wasn't the first time Thorin had punished him with a beating, and Fíli had learned that it was better to care for his own wounds than deal with the interrogation he would get from Oin. 

No one could know just how far their King had fallen into madness. So far, besides him and his brother, only Dwalin really knew the full extent of the gold sickness, and Fíli intended to keep it that way. No point in everyone getting upset over what could not be changed. Thorin would only be angrier if people questioned his methods in rearing his sister sons, and would take that anger out on Fíli. After all, a Crown Prince dealt with his pain head on. He did not whine to his subjects. 

Fíli looked away from Kíli so he didn't have to see the look on his brother's face, waiting while the dwarf rummaged through his drawer for the bandages.

"He has decreed that if I do not choose someone to court this evening, he will... accept Dain's offer to buy me as a bed slave. If I cannot be any use as a Crown Prince, then I might as well be useful at enriching the kingdom's coffers, I guess. After all, he has you to take up the mantle of heir to the throne, so there is no point in keeping me when I could be better served as a bed warmer for an old, cruel King."

There was no small amount of bitterness in his tone as he relayed this to his brother, turning darkly shadowed eyes on the collection of knives spread out across his work table. He'd planned to clean them tonight after the feast, but perhaps if he did not find a bride he could just sheath one in his own heart. Death was better than becoming Dain's whore. Fíli was untouched, and had done no touching. Not even a kiss. He had decided long ago that while he could not have his One, it did not mean he had to betray his virtue to another. His body, even with the Wrongness that plagued it, was for Kíli, and no other. 

But Thorin planned to take even that from him, it seemed.

"There is no point in arguing with him. He has decided. I can only hope to find someone pleasant enough that being betrothed to her won't be as miserable as I fear."

Maybe someone with beautiful brown curls and eyes the color of melted chocolate.

But while Fíli was resigned to his fate, he did not realize that he still had people fighting to protect him from it. While he sat and was bandaged up by his brother, Dwalin and Balin were trying to get the mad King to see reason, to spare Fíli this horrific indignity no matter how much Dain offered to pay.

Unaware of those rallying to his defense in the council room, Fíli turned to look at Kíli and smiled, reaching out to tuck a stray lock of hair behind his ear. 

"At least if I marry we won't be parted, brother. The idea of being separated from you is perhaps the most unbearable thing of all." 

Kíli blinked owlishly at his brother a few times as the words sink in. Thorin ordered Fíli to find a bride. Tonight. The younger prince would have to sit and watch as his One chose someone to spend the rest of his life with. Someone that wasn't Kíli.

His Fíli was suddenly going to be someone else's Fíli. 

Now he really was going to be sick.

He tries to swallow down the bile that's rising in the back of his throat and turns to rummage through the desk for bandages. If he were actually paying attention he'd see that they're right on top but he's not and he's really just stirring around the contents of the drawer in his fog.

As far back as Kíli can remember it's always been the two of them, where one went the other followed. It was both of them against the world. They were going to rule together and make their ancestors proud. Now Fíli was going to choose a wife and if Mahal saw fit, they would have children. His golden brother was going to have a family and was going to be King, there would be no room for his younger brother in his life anymore besides as the Captain of his armies.

Fíli would have a loving family and Kíli would have nothing but duty and an empty heart.

And that was worse than any death sentence in the archer's mind.

He all but slams the drawer shut when his brother brings up Dain. He'd known about the offer from one King to another and almost ran off with his bow to bury an arrow in each of their hearts when he had found out. The only thing that kept him from doing just that had been Fíli. His golden brother had assured him that it would never come to that, Thorin would never sell his eldest sister-son and his heir like that. So Kíli had let his rage die down to a more manageable level, still bitter that his Uncle didn't have Dain's tongue for even suggesting such a thing. 

He gathered the bandages and the antiseptic in his arms before heading back to the blond. He watches Fíli's tired blue eyes as he speaks and can't help but remember how bright they used to be. 

The brunet lets out a long sigh, trying not to lean into his brother's touch too much. Fíli is right. Being married off is better than going to the Iron Hills to be Dain's pet. He may not have much of place in his brother's life after tonight but at least they'll still be in Erebor together.

That would have to be enough for him.

“You'll find someone great, Fíli, I know it,” he gives his brother his best reassuring smile before he moves to sit behind the blond. He removes his jacket from Fíli's shoulders and tries not to flinch at the marks on his skin. It's not the first time Thorin has seen fit to use a flogger but that doesn't make it any easier for Kíli to see. 

He nudges the other dwarf so that he'll take off what's left of his tunic and busies himself with trying to warm some of the antiseptic between his fingers. He's really just trying to keep his mind off the fact that the one person he wants most in this world is half naked in front of him.

“I'd never let you go to the Iron Hills alone, Fíli,” he says matter of factly. He'd never let Fíli go because he'd see Dain dead before they ever stepped foot out of the mountain. As long as Kíli still drew breath, he'd never let his brother suffer such an indignity.

Fíli manages another faint smile, staring at his hands folded in his lap to keep from wincing at the sting of his wounds. Thorin had been particularly vicious in his punishments today, and Fíli couldn't help fear that the gold sickness was getting worse. Many of those who now populated Erebor had been alive to see it fall, and they remembered the way Thror's own gold sickness had contributed to the coming of the dragon.

Soon the people would rise in anger that the line of Durin was so easily corrupted by madness. They would not so easily lose their home again, not when a King was so much easier to replace. Even after everything Thorin had done to him, Fíli still loved his Uncle. Loved the memory of the dwarf that tucked him in at night and chased away the imaginary orcs under his bed with Fíli's wooden play sword. He knew that Thorin was still in there somewhere, and maybe one day Thorin would know that, too.

"You would be barred from coming with me, Kee. You would become the Crown Prince if I were to be sold to Dain. You would become Thorin's heir," he reminded, chuckling briefly before his swollen nose gives a mighty throb, and he silences himself in favor of pinching the handkerchief over it once more.

 _Maybe I can find someone great, but they will never be you_ , he thinks to himself, plucking absently at a loose thread on his breeches.

He would try to find someone who was just as unhappy at this arrangement as him. A dwarf woman who would be plenty happy with being consort to the King without all the unnecessary addendums of married life. Fíli could never love her, whomever she may be. But he could come to care for her, and would respect her, as his wife and mother of his heir. He would not be happy, but he could learn to be comfortable at least.

When Kíli was finished with his bandages, Fíli stood up and went to the adjoining bathroom so he could finish cleaning the blood from his face and throat. His nose was spectacularly swollen and the skin around it was starting to purple, but both his eyes seemed fine at least, save the permanent shadows of exhaustion beneath them. There was little he could do about the blood still staining his braided moustache until he got a chance to take a proper bath.

"Maybe Balin will go easy on me today out of pity," he hummed absently, pulling a clean tunic over his head and lacing it up. He pats Kíli on the back and grabs his work for Balin off the desk before he heads out to his lesson, only hoping that the old dwarf was in a better mood than Fíli was.

Tonight he would be betraying his One.

He told himself that it was for the good of his people, and his own safety, that he did it.

Somehow, that knowledge didn't make it hurt any less.

Kíli doesn’t watch Fíli go, he can’t watch the other half of his being walk away, he simply gathers up the rest of the bandages and antiseptic. He puts them all away just as neat as he’d found them and it isn’t until he shuts the drawer that the pain washes over him like a tidal wave.

His Fíli, his golden brother, his One, was going to married off and it wasn’t going to be to Kíli. It was never going to be to Kíli.

He makes it back to his brother’s bed before his legs give out and he falls onto it. He absently remembers to kick his boots off before he curls up in the middle, wrapping his arms around himself and burying his face into the blankets. It smells of Fíli and once upon a time it would have comforted him but now it shatters his already broken heart.

He clenches his eyes shut to keep the tears in his eyes from spilling and has to grind his teeth together to keep the sobs from escaping. He knows he shouldn’t be crying right now, he knows the love he feels for Fíli is wrong, but he doesn’t care.

All he cares about is how much he’s hurting.

Kíli curses Thorin for making Fíli be the one to bear heirs when he was the King. If he was so worried about the continuation of the line of Durin, he should marry and have children! He curses Mahal for making his older brother his One and then taking Fíli away from him like this. He even curses himself for ever having hope that Fíli could love him back.

He wants to be angry with his brother too, but he can’t, even if his life depended on it he can’t. The blond had no idea the depth of his younger brother’s love and that was Kíli’s fault.

His body shakes with the effort to keep quiet as he mourns something he was never allowed to have.

The young prince lays on his brother’s bed until he can’t cry anymore and his breathing returns to something like normal. He forces himself up - he can’t let Fíli find him like this, and puts his boots back on.

When he reaches to grab his jacket he realizes there’s a spot where his tears have soaked into the blanket. He lets out a long string of curses as he tries to use the sleeve of his tunic to dry it. Of course it doesn’t work and for a second he seriously considers screaming. That would bring the guards though, and he really doesn’t want to deal with the mess that would bring.

He snatches he jacket up and is about to slink off to his own room to change for the banquet when he remembers that he isn’t actually required to go. Mahal help him it’s such a cowardly thing to do he can’t face whoever is going to be lucky enough to be by Fíli’s side for the rest of his life. 

Instead of going and having his heart ripped from his chest as he smiles all the while, he’s going down to the tavern and drink until he bleeds ale. Maybe he’ll even get lucky and trip on some steps afterwards and split his skull open. 

Fíli isn't in a much better mood by the time he's arrived at the library, though it does improve when Balin takes one look at him and turns him right around to go sleep for a few hours before the feast.

He's pretty sure he could have kissed the old dwarf if he hadn't then given Fíli an armful of work to do on his way out the door, but, Fíli didn't much mind because this would be his first real chance to get a proper sleep in months. Hours snatched here and there could only sustain someone for so long, and his exhaustion was starting to hinder his day to day routine. A dwarf that was half starved and exhausted couldn't very be expected to hold themselves against the likes of Dwalin. Fíli had been doing good to fight him as an equal when he'd been properly fed and rested. He supposed it was a testament to his skill with a blade that Dwalin _didn't_ lay him out flat on his back every time, as exhausted and malnourished as he was. But even Fíli's strength had started to wane, and he started to find himself staring at the sky or choking on a mouthful of dirt more often than not these past days.

He's out cold by the time he collapses into his bed, barely caring enough to kick his boots off onto the floor. He breathes in the phantom smell of Kíli clinging to his pillows, and lets himself slip into dreams of his brother lying in his bed, waiting for him to return from his studies.

In the end, though, it is just a dream, and Fíli wakes up alone and as tired as ever. 

He's somber as he bathes and dresses in the fine crimson silk tunic and soft leather breeches Thorin expected him to wear, fighting the itch to hide knives on every possible spot of his body. It would be no good for the dwarf to finally lose his temper and bury one to the hilt in Thorin's heart. Not only would he be executed for treason, but he would have killed the only dwarf he ever really knew as a father. Monster or not, it was still Thorin, and Fíli did not believe himself capable of murdering him just yet.

Though perhaps if Thorin decided to turn his violent attentions to Kíli, Fíli might be much more easily swayed on the matter.

Fíli would allow the King to take out his rage on him, but the instant his gaze drifted to his beloved brother, he would sink a knife into his throat without a moment's hesitation or remorse.

He wasn't sure if this thought gave him comfort or fear.

In the end, he gives in and stuffs a knife into the specially made sheath in his boot before making his way to the feast with all the enthusiasm of a prisoner heading to the execution. His mood only darkens when he sees that Kíli is not there, his heart plummeting to the pit of his stomach.

He'd half hoped his brother would be there to help him through this horrid evening. He did not wish to take a wife that Kíli disliked, or didn't get along with. That Kíli would abandon him to this fate made his chest ache and bile rise in his throat, and Fíli had to force down several steadying gulps of mead from the mug Balin had brought over before he felt even remotely ready to face the sea of brightly colored dresses.

"I'm sorry you have to do this, lad. I truly am. A dwarf should be able to take the time to find his One before being forced into a loveless marriage," Balin said gently, squeezing his shoulder in a comforting manner.

Fíli could only manage a lukewarm smile in return, before the mask of the Crown Prince slid into its place.

"I already found my One, Balin. And I cannot have him."

He left Balin to mull those words over and wandered aimlessly through the crowd of dwarves until his attention was caught by a tall dwarf woman with a mane of wild brown curls that tumbled down her back. She was lithe for a dwarf, and when she turned and caught Fíli looking he noticed her eyes were the same color as her hair. Perhaps, if he squinted hard enough in their marriage bed, he could pretend she was Kíli. Enough, at least, that he wouldn't be accused of impotency for being unable to... rise to the occasion, so to speak.

He bowed low to her when she approached and introduced herself as Salfa, and even her voice had the same sort of rumbling timbre that Kíli's possessed, if much higher and softer than his brother's.

"Might I have the honor of a dance, my lady Salfa?" he asked, sinking smoothly into the persona of the Crown Prince that he had created, a teasing grin on his lips.

It felt wrong. 

It felt _dirty._

But as Fíli led the dwarf woman out onto the main floor and began to sway through the other dancing couples with her, he reminded himself that this was for Kíli. So his baby brother would be spared Thorin's wrath, and so Fíli never had to be parted from him. He only hoped that wherever Kíli was right now, he was having a better time than Fíli.

Kíli wasn’t faring any better than his older brother, unfortunately, though those around couldn’t tell. He’d come down here to drink as much as he could and stay away from thoughts of what may be happening at the feast. It was easy enough to pretend that he’s back in the Blue Mountains and that Fíli was just a few minutes behind him. All the taverns that he and his brother had ever visited always seemed to come with loud patrons and a smoky haze that never dissipated. This one is no different. 

Gods, the dwarf behind the bar even has a bald head like the one in Ered Luin did, and that makes him giggle into his drink.

The brunet had once told his brother that he sort of reminded the prince of Dwalin. Fíli had laughed, like he did all the time back then, and told Kíli that if he valued his life, he should make sure Dwalin never heard him say that.

They both had laughed a lot that night. He lets the memory settle around him like a warm blanket, or maybe that’s the alcohol, as he polishes off his third mug.

The fourth mug appears along with the red-headed barmaid. The Prince quickly says his thank you before the woman hums something that sounds like “my pleasure” and giving him a once over with her blue eyes. He tries not to squirm in his seat when she turns or notice that her eyes a just a few shades darker than Fíli’s.

He suddenly wonders if his soon to be sister will have blue eyes too. Which leads the traitorous part of Kíli’s mind finds more pleasure in reminding him of where he is, and where he should be.

He’s actually in Erebor trying to fill the empty space in his chest where his heart used to be with ale while his One woos a very lucky lady. He’s also being a coward because he can’t bow to said lucky lady and give his blessings, effectively making him Middle Earth’s worst brother.

In more ways than one. 

Good brothers don’t fall in love with their older brothers and then ditch them because they can’t face their future wife.

Kíli is already failing spectacularly then, so he might as well have another ale. He downs the last bit before flagging down the barmaid from his table in the corner, and Mahal bless her she’s quick to bring a refill.

If he happens to blush a little when she gives him a saucy smile and a wink, it’s the ale’s fault. And if he happens to imagine his brother giving him the same kind of look, well, that can be blamed on the alcohol too.

Well he could probably try to make himself feel better by saying he was avoiding the whole Dain thing. He knew if he saw a twitch on the King’s face that even slightly resembled disappointment at the loss of Fíli as his bed warmer the next time he paid a visit to Erebor, Kíli would have to give Thorin his head on the prettiest platter available.

What a mess that would cause. He decides that it’s a much better idea for him to be in the tavern where it’s far less likely that he’ll be the start of some massive war between the Iron Hills and Erebor. Of course, with Thorin as he is it probably wouldn’t come to that. Kíli would probably just have his own head removed and that’s something he could never let Fíli see.

Besides he likes his head right where it is thank you very much.

Maybe taking Dain’s head would start a fight and Fíli would fight alongside his younger brother again. He can’t imagine exactly how it would go but it wouldn’t end well for the pair of them, not when there is a dead King to avenge. He can think that they’d go out fighting like they always said they would when they were dwarflings. 

It wouldn’t be in the blaze of glory to protect their King and home but they would go together. It would also give those stuffy nobles something to talk about for a while. The ones that were there would probably bemoan the bloodstains they got on their fancy clothes to everyone that would listen.

Kíli scoffs into his drink as a familiar head of silver hair appears in the tavern. For a moment he’s tempted to wave but the still slightly sober part of him catches up pretty quick and squashes that.

That silver hair belongs to Balin. The same Balin that should be at the feast right now. The same feast that Kíli should also probably be at.

Uh-oh.

He sinks deep down in his chair and tries to blend in with the wood. 

Now, Balin had always been the dwarf others went to for advice. He always had the answers they needed to hear, the wise council they sought, and the steady head for solving difficult problems.

But this. _This_ wasn't something even he felt capable of tackling. Still, he felt obligated to try, if not for Fíli's sake then for Kíli's. The boy looked just about ready to drown himself in his ale. At least, until he catches sight of Balin and does his best imitation of a cornered animal trying to hide from a passing predator. 

"It's no use, lad, I've already seen you," he sighed wearily, taking the seat across from the young dwarf and folding his arms on the table.

He was pretty sure the only dwarf more miserable than Kíli right now was his older brother, currently struggling to find a single woman in the entirety of Erebor that didn't make him want to run in the opposite direction. If the situation wasn't so serious, Balin might have laughed at the notion that Fíli could face down legions of orcs and goblins without flinching, but the possibility of having to kiss a woman made him want to hide beneath a tablecloth and never come out again.

The boy may think no one could tell he was unhappy, with that cocky smirk plastered to his face, but Balin knew. Balin had helped raise these boys, had been tasked with their care while Thorin slaved away in the forges of men to try to scrape together enough to feed them. He had been the one to find them after Dis' death, and the image of a half starved Fíli sitting by the fire while he cradled a sleeping child to his chest was burned into his memory for the rest of his life. 

Even after watching his mother die, helpless to save her as a violent storm raged outside, and being tasked with the care of a newborn until someone came to check on them, the boy had turned to look at Balin and smiled. 

'Look at my baby brother, Uncle Balin!' he had crowed with undisguised pride, holding the infant out towards him with arms that shook from dehydration and hunger. Fíli hadn't dropped Kíli, though. Not then, nor any day since. He had always been single mindedly focused when it came to his brother's happiness and safety, even as a dwarfling of only five years. He hadn't yet lost his milk teeth, and already his entire life was devoted to looking after Kíli, to the point where Fíli had forgone eating just to make sure there was enough for his infant brother. 

Balin couldn't believe he'd been so willfully ignorant all these years not to see what was so plainly obvious.

"Your brother is currently in the great hall, dancing with every girl he can find with brown hair and eyes," he finally said, after several long moments of uncomfortable silence. The way this seemed to jerk Kíli out of his funk only proved to Balin, once and for all, that he wasn't imagining things.

_"I already found my One, Balin. And I cannot have him."_

His heart felt heavy at this realization, and he offered the lad a sad smile before reaching out to pat the back of his hand.

"You know our laws, my Prince, and your Uncle's decision on Fíli's responsibilities is final. But, I think, it would be good for both of you to at least be open with one another before he is wed, even if nothing can come of it."

Kíli studies the older dwarf in front of him, trying to find any hint that Balin is lying. There isn't any though, just sadness and he can't help but hang his head, his dark hair hiding his face.

Fíli was dancing with every girl that reminded him of his younger brother and Kíli wants to laugh because he'd done the same kind of thing before he realized that Fíli was his One.

Fíli loved Kíli and because of their circumstances, his older brother was trying to find a substitute for what he couldn't have.

It's a bittersweet realization. He and Fíli could never be together, not with the laws and Thorin's orders, but at least he knew that his brother loved him back. The knowledge would have to be enough to get him through the long nights that were headed his way. 

“If nothing can come of it then what's the point, Balin? If what you say is true then it will be easier for him to wed if he doesn't know,” he sighs. He looks up at the older dwarf through his bangs and tries to swallow the lump that's building in his throat.

The Prince should probably be telling Balin that he has no idea what the older dwarf is talking about, but one of the things he's learned in his life is that he can't lie to him. He can still feel his hand cramping from having to write lines for ages as a punishment.

At least Balin doesn't seem to be judging him for the love he has for Fíli, even encouraging the brothers to talk about it. Good ol' Balin is probably the only dwarf in Erebor that would think that the two being unable to be together is a sad thing. The rest of the mountain would think Fíli and Kíli sick and demand their heads.

“Does Thorin know?” He asks very seriously. Balin knows the laws just as well, probably better, as himself so he hopes that he doesn't have to worry about the older dwarf telling Thorin if he doesn't know. Maybe if the King wasn't suffering with the gold sickness Balin would tell him.

Thorin might be able figure out why Fíli was dancing with every brunet in the great hall on his own but he couldn't know that Kíli loved his older brother back. This new, crueler Thorin would only do Mahal knows what with that information.

They haven't acted on their feelings up to this point but that didn't mean Thorin couldn't still punish them by sending Kíli away to be married to Princess so-and-so.

Balin arches a snowy eyebrow at Kíli for even thinking that he'd tell their King such a thing with the state he was in now. Balin wouldn't trust this Thorin with the recipe for his favorite kind of tea, never mind with a secret that could be turned into something sinister.

This Thorin wouldn't hesitate to use the love his nephews had for one another against them. He probably wouldn't even hesitate to have them executed for it, with how far into madness he had fallen.

"Do you not feel some sort of relief in knowing that your feelings are shared, lad? Would you deny Fíli the chance for that same relief, that same easing of fear that you would turn away in disgust if you were to ever discover his secret?" he asked gently, squeezing the hand beneath his own before he's standing up and tucking them into his sleeves, gaze lingering on the brunet.

"Even if you cannot act upon it, Kíli, your brother has a right to know."

He paused before turning away and looked out at the inky darkness of night settling over the mountain.

"By now the party will have ended. Your brother will be in his quarters soon enough, if he isn't already. You should wait for him there."

With this last parting advice, Balin left the tavern to return to his own rooms, hoping that he hadn't just made a horrendous mistake.

He was right enough that Fíli was in his quarters, but he wasn't alone, and had he known that the Crown Prince had brought company back to his rooms he might not have told Kíli to go find his brother there.

"So this is what the bedroom of a future King looks like," a young brunette dwarf named Mysan purred as she stalked by Fíli into the room, shrewd brown eyes peering with interest at the papers piled on the desk and the still mussed sheets from his impromptu nap.

Fíli swallowed and nodded stiffly, his arms tight against his sides and body all but screaming his unhappiness at this development. She had insisted on seeing his rooms, though, and as it had taken him all night to find a single dwarf that didn't make him cringe within moments of meeting, his choices were rather limited. He'd half hoped he'd get lucky with the first woman he found, the Lady Salfa. But that had ended rather abruptly when she started insulting Kíli, talking about the rumors that he would sleep with any dwarf that caught his eye. 

He'd almost dropped her right there on the dance floor, but he'd been taught about the dishonor of hitting someone who was unarmed and unprepared to defend themselves. So instead he'd given her a cold smile with far too many teeth and walked away, leaving her to stand alone in the crowd of dancing couples.

Several women later, either so dainty looking that Fíli's upper lip curled in distaste, or of poor enough manners as to try and buy their way into his marriage bed, he'd finally encountered Mysan. She was of sturdy build and strong willed, and perhaps in another life where Kíli wasn't his One, Fíli would have loved her and married her happily. She wasn't one of those noble dwarf women that thought themselves above hard work, who had gone on with their wealthy lives in the Iron Hills while Fíli's people starved and slaved away in the cities of Men. She'd been born in the Blue Mountains, same as Fíli, to survivors of Smaug's wrath, and had been raised to respect the value of another's sweat and blood. 

Not a woman of noble lineage as Thorin probably hoped Fíli would find, but his Uncle hadn't been specific in his orders. He'd simply told the Prince to find a wife, and so find a wife he did. Her family was of good social standing and reputation, and her father was a lead Foreman in one of Erebor's great gold mines. He'd tell the King it would win the people over to their side fully if their Crown Prince married one of the common folk, perhaps, to persuade him to give his blessing.

Mysan wore the braids of a master metalworker and a middle range weapons expert, and Fíli could only hope that perhaps, some day, he could learn to be content with a marriage to her. At the very least, he would have a partner he respected and could enjoy the company of, and he would get to remain in Erebor with Kíli.

"My Prince?"

Mysan's voice cut into his musings and Fíli realized he'd been staring blankly at her for several long minutes. Heat rushed to his face as embarrassment overtook him, and he sat down heavily on his bed, running a hand through his hair.

"My apologies, Mysan. I fear I am quite tired from the festivities. Perhaps it would be best if we both turned in for the night," he murmured, studying the fur rug on the floor beside his bed as if it would come to life and give him all the answers he sought. He startles when his line of sight is interrupted by a midnight blue bodice, and he looks up to see that Mysan is standing very, very close to him.

"Perhaps it would," she said lightly, managing to squirm her way between his legs and standing against his seated form, guiding his arms to wrap around her waist.

Fíli swallowed thickly as he kept his eyes determinedly on her face, refusing to look at her chest, which was rather inconveniently at his eye level. She felt soft beneath his arms, though not as soft as Salfa or many of the other ladies he'd danced with did. She had muscle to her, the muscles one would expect from someone who was a master of the forge.

"I meant.. I meant in our own beds," he managed to choke out, hands flexing from where they rested at the small of her back, struggling not to ball into fists and shove her as far away as he could. Preferably all the way back to the Blue Mountains. 

Mysan hummed thoughtfully at that, as if considering his suggestion, before she leaned in to press her mouth dangerously close to Fíli's, eyes glittering with mischief.

"The night is still young, my Prince. And if we are to court it would be best for me to get to know my husband to be, would it not?" she teased, fingers trailing through Fíli's blond hair and dragging a shiver from the stiff dwarf beneath her before closing the gap and kissing him firmly, body pressed close to him.

Fíli was about as responsive to the kiss as a stone would be, and he's gone just as still as one as she did her best coax him into enjoying it, tongue licking across the tightly sealed seam of his mouth.

He'd been saving his first kiss.

He'd been saving it for Kíli.

And she'd just stolen it.

 _She's to be your wife, Fíli. She's kissing her consort. You won't ever love her so at least let her have some enjoyment out of this arrangement,_ the traitorous voice in his head whispered, making him go boneless in her arms.

It was right, though. This dwarf was to be his wife in a few short months. He'd have to kiss her eventually, and do much more than that so she would bear his heirs.

Very, very tentatively he opened his mouth to her, and gave her what it was she wanted, letting his eyes fall close.

If he was careful not to breathe in her scent, and ignored the press of breasts against his chest, he could almost pretend it was Kíli pressed close to him. Kíli who tugged at his hair and tasted his mouth. 

_Kíli._

"Fíli?"


	2. What If I Lose It All

Kíli had left the tavern shortly after Balin, unsure if he was actually going to go talk to his brother or just go straight to his own bed. The old dwarf and his words had made it hard to continue with his drinking so he really had no choice but to leave.

Much to the disappointment of the red-headed barmaid. She'd only let him leave with the promise that he'd be back, which he would be whether she was there or not. She was pretty but even before he'd accepted that Fíli was his One, she wasn't really his type. Now that he knew who is One was, her attentions just make him uncomfortable, where before he would have maybe flirted a little before heading to his own bed alone.

The Prince stuffed his hands in his pockets as he wandered back up to the Royal Wing and his room. At least he should be going back to his own room. Even though Balin was right, he had felt a huge sense of relief knowing that Fíli loved him back, it didn't compare to how far down his heart had sunk when he realized that they would never be together.

Kíli had known that before of course but somehow knowing Fíli loved him made it so much worse.

Though knowing that he didn't have to worry about a single touch lingering just a moment too long would cause Fíli to figure out his secret and make his brother despise him was a relief. It wasn't so much a weight of his shoulders, although it's that too, it made his heart feel lighter as well. 

He loved Fíli and Fíli loved him in return. Despite everything, it made him smile just a little.

Kíli decides that he should talk to his brother about it then. He had enough to worry about without constantly worrying that his younger brother would find him detestable, like Kíli could ever do that anyway.

He doesn't bother knocking on Fíli's door before he goes in, he never does, and calls for his brother gently just in case he's sleeping.

What he sees though completely steals the air out of his lungs and freezes the blood in his veins. _His_ Fíli is there with someone else and they were kissing. His heart drops so fast and so far that he's sure it's gone straight past his stomach and down into one of his boots.

_Stupid dwarf, of course he doesn't love you. Why would he when he has her?_

It's only the look on the lady dwarf's face, something akin to wanting to break his nose, that he realizes what he has to do.

“Sorry! I just wanted to see how the feast went! Obviously very good since you're here,” he says quickly to his soon to be sister.

“I'm very happy for you both and I look forward to meeting you, later of course! You two have a good night,” he gives his best grin, before looking back to his brother. For once, he prays to Mahal that Fíli _can't_ tell how he's really feeling. He's quick to make his exit, closing the door behind him, and going to his own room, where he should have gone originally.

Kíli makes for the attached bathroom and splashes water on his face, but it doesn't help get the image of them together out of his mind. _His_ Fíli was kissing someone else, a someone that had her hands buried in his golden hair like Kíli had only dreamed of doing.

A sob escapes him before he clamps his hand over his mouth. There's nothing he can do to stop the tears that have started to roll down his cheeks, though. 

Fíli is pretty sure that if he'd eaten anything at the feast he'd currently be vomiting it up onto the pretty blue dress Mysan was wearing at the sight of Kíli, his beloved Kíli, standing in his doorway and looking like the world had just fallen out from under him. He'd never intended for Kíli to see this, never _wanted_ him to see this. 

At the sound of the utter devastation in his brother's voice, Fíli was on his feet and shoving the other dwarf away from him, halfway to the door without a second thought.

"Goodnight, Lady Mysan. I hope you understand that you'll need to show yourself back to your room," he ordered, giving her his best Intimidating Crown Prince Stare to get the message across before he's off with a flash, running down the halls to where his brother's quarters lay.

He'd tread these familiar stones so many times before, and yet now it felt different. It was as if his steps had wings gifted to them by the dangerous hope filling his heart.

But when he's outside Kíli's door he stutters to a stop, hands pressed against the smooth wood and chest heaving. What if Kíli had merely been embarrassed to walk in on something like that? He dare not call it intimate, for it was little more than fulfilling an end of a contract for Fíli, but to Kíli it might have been more.

Gathering what meager strands of courage he had left, Fíli shoved open the door and closed it behind him, staring at the entryway to Kíli's bathroom where his brother stood, hair wet and eyes shining.

"Kee. I-"

His words catch in his throat and he clutches at a handful of his tunic, wishing now more than ever that they were back in the Blue Mountains, where they were just two anonymous souls in a sea of dwarves.

"My brother.. I.. I was merely giving her what it was she desired. To enter into a loveless marriage is a heavy price. The least I could do is give her the affection she deserved," he said finally, each word like a stone in his heart. He had made his beautiful brother cry. _He_ was the source of Kíli's pain. Now more than ever he desired to hurt himself, to be punished for this most unforgivable of sins. He had spent his life protecting Kíli from harm, and now he was the one causing the harm. 

Fíli felt as if he were walking on a tightrope. One wrong word, one wrong move, and everything would fall apart between them.

"She is a good dwarf. She is smart, and strong, and skilled with a blade and a master at the forge. She could never.. She could never be you, but I would have tried to be happy with her! I would have tried to be with her, for you, for us, Kíli!"

His heart is throbbing in his throat at the none too thinly veiled confession in these words, staring at the other dwarf, the other half of his _soul_ with something akin to desperation. Desperation for what, Fíli wasn't sure. However, desperation breeds rashness, and he can't help the pained words that spill from him now that the floodgates have fallen.

"How many years have I been forced to watch as you bed any dwarf that looks your way? How many years have I stood by silently while you kissed and flirted and toyed with this barmaid and that, Kíli? How many years must I be punished for the crime of loving my little brother?!"

He's out of breath and near hysterical by the time he manages to reign in his words, tears welling in his own eyes, now, at this confession. His hands have balled into fists at his sides, but he's not moved from his place by the door, rooted to the spot. To tell Kíli this, now, was like being released from the weight of a thousand stones upon his shoulders. 

Fíli's gaze drops to the floor and he slowly sinks back to rest against the sturdy wood, an air of defeat creeping over him.

"I am sorry, Kíli. For everything. But most of all for forcing these sinful feelings on you and causing you such pain. I will tell Uncle to accept Dain's coin and travel to the Iron Hills on the next caravan. I'll go away and you'll never have to see me again, I promise," he murmured, a faint, sad smile curling at the corner of his lips.

"I just hope you'll think kinder of me in the years to come."

Fíli was a fool. A thrice damned fool.

“Don't you dare,” Kíli growls, his brown eyes locking onto his brother. “Don't you dare leave me here alone while you go to be with that,” he waves one of his hands in the air, trying to think of a good term but not being able to come up with one that conveys his burning hatred properly, “that walking pile of orc shit!” Especially after everything Fíli has just said, he can't let his brother go with _Dain_.

“I may not be able to stop you from getting married but I swear Fee, if you leave to go be with him in the Iron Hills, I'll have an arrow buried deep in his black heart before you two even reach the front gate.” There's a fire in his eyes and a sincerity in his voice that even he has never known before. The younger Prince may never be able to say that Fíli is anything but his brother but he's not about to let him belong to that sorry excuse for a dwarf. At least that woman in the blue dress would treat the blond with the dignity and respect he deserved.

The brunet thought he was going to be sick listening to Fíli go on and on about his new wife, but she would be much more preferable next to _Dain_. His brother's confession still had him reeling because there had been no way the other dwarf had said what he thought he said. No, it had to have been a mix of the ale and his broken heart.

But hearing his brother talk about his _exploits_ filled Kíli with shame and overwhelming guilt. In the short time he'd known about Fíli's feelings, he hadn't had the chance to stop and consider how those others would have hurt him.

And oh how he's hurt Fíli.

The younger decides that watching his One be married off to another is fair punishment for every dwarf that he was with while he'd been in denial. He lets his anger with the other King go as he starts to move towards Fíli.

“They were never meant to be a punishment for you, brother dear. I knew what I felt, what I still feel, for you was wrong and I thought I could fix it by filling my bed with strangers,” he says gently, stopping in front of the blond. It's no doubt the worst apology he's ever given but he's not looking for forgiveness, as he doesn't deserve it. He's hurt his brother, his _One,_ too much for that.

Looking over Fíli now, he can't help but want to be selfish just once. His sister-to-be was going to get Fíli for the rest of their lives, was going to get to kiss and touch him in ways Kíli would only ever be able to dream about.

“I couldn't think any higher of you if you were Mahal Himself,” he says with a small smile. What he's about to do is wrong but he can't really help himself. He's always been impulsive and really all he needs is just this one thing to be able to make it through Fíli's marriage.

He brings their lips together, gently kissing his brother in the way he's always been told brothers should never do. Truly, he could cry at finally being able to have this, and it's everything he'd hoped their first kiss to be and yet so much better than he dreamed.

Fíli's convinced his heart has actually stopped beating in his chest the moment Kíli's mouth is against his own, hands coming up to fist in the front of his brother's tunic. It's so different from the kiss moments ago with Mysan, with her soft lips and insistent tongue.

Kíli's kiss is so tender it almost hurts, his lips faintly chapped and firm against Fíli's own. He'd never dared to dream, never dared to _hope _, and he shudders at the wave of delight that rushes down his spine to blossom as heat in the pit of his stomach.__

__He'd never wanted anyone more than he wanted Kíli right in this moment._ _

__Fíli throws his arms around his brother's shoulders and drags him close as he clumsily tries to deepen the kiss, lips parted and tongue begging for entry. When it's granted he all but licks his way into Kíli's mouth, seeking the forbidden taste of his younger brother. So much sweeter than the kiss of the dwarf woman whose name he's now forgotten, heart and soul soaring with the delight of being so close to his beloved One._ _

__The door is steady against his back as he pulls Kíli as close to him as he can possibly get, hips grinding forward against his brother's in an instinctive search for friction._ _

__He's never been intimate with another before, and Fíli's deep seated distaste for the Wrongness of his body kept him from doing much to create his own pleasure. He was already hard in his trousers just from the filthy kiss and the firm weight of Kíli against him, and he decides he's happy to have waited so long to have this, because it meant his brother would be his first._ _

__"There's only been you. There's only _ever_ been you. I never need anyone else ever again so long as you're by my side!" he hissed desperately against his brother's mouth, burying his fingers into Kíli's tangled brown hair to pull him in for another kiss, teeth clacking at the ferocity of Fíli's need. _ _

__The Prince sent a silent prayer to Mahal to let him have this single blessed moment with his One. Just this once and he would do anything Thorin wanted, anything at all._ _

__Just this once, and Fíli could learn to be content._ _

__Kíli presses against Fíli as much as he can, wanting to be as close as he can to his brother right now. He wants more though. He wants more of Fíli's tongue in his mouth and more of the taste of Fíli on his own tongue. He wants to feel every inch of his brother's bared skin against his own, to take him to bed and worship every inch of his One's body. He wants to keep him in his bed until there isn't a doubt in Fíli's mind that he's all Kíli has ever needed or wanted._ _

__It would have to wait though; right now he's too caught up in the blond's hips grinding against his own. He's also afraid that if they stop for even a moment, one of them may come to their senses and they'll lose this chance forever. He won't let that happen, he's waited too long through too many lonely nights to let this slip through their fingers._ _

__The brunet _needs_ to feel his brother's skin though, even if it's only a little. He pushes up the edge of Fíli's tunic just enough that he can rest a hand on the bare skin of his hip as they grind together. His other hand rests against the side of the blond's neck with his pulse pounding quickly under Kíli's calloused fingers._ _

__The beat reminds him that this isn't a dream._ _

__He's _actually_ here with his One and they're actually kissing and writhing together. The younger Prince has been with so many others before but none of them could ever compare to being with his brother, even with them both still fully clothed._ _

__“I've always loved you, Fee,” he pants. “I've only loved you.” He drags his teeth over Fíli's bottom lip before letting his tongue slip back inside his mouth. Kíli's hand grips around his brother's hip as he moans when their cocks grind together in a particularly delicious way._ _

__Fíli isn't sure how much longer he's going to hold out against the pleasure building inside him, muffling a sharp cry by burying his face in the crook of Kíli's neck. Sweat has begun to bead on his forehead and the sharp tang of it clings to his brother's skin, filling the air with the smell of sex._ _

__If this is all some cruel dream, he can only hope to never wake from it. Fíli could spend the rest of eternity in this moment._ _

__"Oh Mahal, Kee.. I've always loved you, too. My One, my beautiful little brother," he whimpers into Kíli's hair, fingers massaging against his scalp as his hips rock and buck of their own accord. He may have no experience, but his body knows what it wants, and he manages to slot himself against Kíli so that his brother's leg is between his own, grinding his need against Kíli's thickly muscled thigh._ _

__Fíli presses his forehead to his brother's, and in that, single moment, their breath mingling between their gasping mouths, he realizes there's no going back. Not from this. Not for him. Kíli was branded onto his soul, now, and there was no way Fíli could just go on with his life any longer. Not when he'd had a taste of the forbidden fruit he'd longed to have for so long._ _

__His breathing ratchets and his grip on the other dwarf becomes almost painfully tight as the change in position gives Fíli that last little push over the edge, sobbing out his brother's name into his mouth as he comes with blinding force._ _

__"Kíli!"_ _

__It's the combination of the fingers in his hair and hearing his own name on his brother's lips that has Kíli coming too. The hand on Fíli's hip tightens as he continues to roll his hips, trying to drag the moment out for as long as he can, while he lazily kisses the blond. When it starts to become too much he pulls his hips away from the other, but he keeps the rest of their bodies connected, unwilling to be parted from his brother just yet._ _

__He might be a little embarrassed by his lack of stamina if it weren't for the fact that he'd been waiting for a chance like this since he learned such things happened between two dwarves._ _

__He moves the hand that had been on Fíli's neck to the door behind him, trying to keep them both from simply sagging to the floor, and replaces his hand with his lips. He can feel his brother's pulse still beating rapidly just under the skin and there's an overwhelming need to leave a mark there. He'd kiss and suck and nibble until there was a dark bruise, leaving no doubt that the blond was his._ _

__Kíli has enough presence of mind to know that leaving marks is a bad idea, so he settles for kissing over the pulse and running his tongue over it just once._ _

__“Let's runaway, Fee,” he blurts before he has a chance to think about it. Now that he's said it though, he thinks it's probably one of the best ideas he's ever had._ _

__“We can go somewhere far away, where we can be together,” he murmurs and rests his forehead against his brother's. He doesn't know where that place is exactly but they wouldn't be Fíli and Kíli the Princes of Erebor, they'd just be Fíli and Kíli. Just two regular dwarves with no royal lineage or duty to produce heirs._ _

__They could live in a little house like they did in Ered Luin and they could wear each other's braids. Kíli would even make sure that his braid stayed in instead of constantly trying to undo it, he'd even sit as still as he could when Fíli would redo it in the mornings._ _

__This is definitely one of his best ideas, he loves it already._ _

__Fíli can't help the wistful smile spreading over his face the idea of going far away with Kíli, so far away that Thorin would never find them, and no one would know their names. They could pass as lovers, never having to admit that they were ever brothers. They looked different enough, with Kíli inheriting the dark looks of the line of Durin while Fíli had the fair hair of their father's kin, that no one would question their relation._ _

__Fíli could work in the forges, and Kíli could trap and sell animals for their fur and meat. They wouldn't be wealthy, no, but they'd get by. And they would be able to stay together._ _

__It fades, though, when he remembers their responsibilities, and all that they've fought for these past few years. The risks they'd taken in reclaiming Erebor, and all Fíli had suffered through this past months will have been for nothing if they run away now._ _

__"My beloved.. I wish more than anything that we could leave together.. But we have responsibilities. We're the heirs to the throne. Our people need us now more than ever to lead them, and protect them, against Uncle's madness," he murmured, cupping his hand against Kíli's cheek and swiping his thumb across his kiss swollen lips._ _

__He drinks in the sight of his brother's face, sweaty and flushed still from their coupling, tries to commit it to memory so he can revisit this moment whenever he chooses._ _

__"I'll marry her. I'll go to Mysan and I'll propose. I'll give Thorin and our people what they want, and I'll stay here, in Erebor, with you. She'll be my wife, but you'll be my love. My One. The only dwarf I'll ever desire," Fíli decided finally, pushing his forehead against Kíli's and willing his brother to understand. They couldn't run away, and Fíli couldn't bear to be parted from Kíli. This was the one choice they had left to them._ _

__"I'll come visit you often, and we'll go on hunting trips alone together, and while she stays behind I will take you on political visits to the Mirkwood and Ered Luin and Rivendell and Gondor and the Shire and every single place in Middle Earth I can think of to be away from her, and by your side, my brother."_ _

__He tightens his arm around Kíli's middle as if afraid he would turn away, would tell Fíli this wouldn't work. But after getting a taste, the blond Prince needed his One like he needed to breathe and to eat._ _

__"Kíli, please. This is our best option. I know that it is awful, but I can't.. I can't be parted from you. We'll have to be careful not to be found out, at least until I am King and I can change the old laws, brother, but please. Please don't turn me away. Not after I've finally gotten to have what I've dreamed of for so long."_ _

__Kíli's heart sinks deeper and deeper as his brother speaks, it's so deep he thinks that its back in his boot again._ _

__Leave it up to Fíli to think about their responsibilities to a place that he'd never really called home and Thorin called his birthright._ _

__The younger wants to be angry and push his brother away, storm into his room and throw things like a spoiled brat, screaming about how this isn't fair before crawling into his bed and crying because Fíli can never truly be all his. He would have to share _his_ One because they were heirs to a dwarf that was losing his mind._ _

__One look into Fíli's blue eyes though and he can see the fear there, can almost see the blond imagining Kíli turning him away. That's all it takes for the fight and anger to leave him._ _

__Instead he just feels sick. Mysan would get to be the one that everyone sees standing next to Fíli, wearing Fíli's braid and his bead. Mysan would be the one that got to fall asleep in Fíli's bed every night and wouldn't have to worry about being caught._ _

__Kíli would never get any of that, not for a long time at least. Fíli wouldn't be able to spend the night in his bed lest they be caught and he couldn't stay in Fíli's because of Mysan. They would be a secret kept behind locked doors while Mysan would have to flaunted to keep Thorin happy. Mysan would have to have Fíli's heirs too._ _

__He would have his brother's love though and he would always be grateful for that, he knew he wasn't going to be happy until he could be with Fíli like Mysan was going to be able to. That wouldn't be until Thorin stepped down and he already knew that stubborn dwarf was going to wait until he was on his deathbed to do that, just to spite his sister-sons._ _

__The brunet would wait though. At least he would get his brother as often as they could afford without being caught. He would have those times to keep him warm at night when Fíli couldn't._ _

__He didn't like feeling like a dirty secret but at least his would still have his brother and his One. Something was far better than nothing._ _

__How Kíli ever thought he could be happy with just one kiss from Fíli was beyond him now._ _

__He nuzzled against his One, knowing he needs to say something but not knowing exactly what since there are so many things he feels like he needs to say._ _

__“I hate it, Fee. I hate it but I can't walk away from you. You aren't the only one that's been waiting a long time for this,” he sighs sadly._ _

__Fíli carefully settled them both on the floor, Kíli held close to him on his lap, arms tight around his waist. He was so solid, so warm, and after everything he was still waiting for the dwarf to fade away. For Fíli to wake up to a cold bed, alone._ _

__"I hate it, too, Kíli. I hate it so much I can't hardly stand it. But I would rather bear this loathsome task and get to be by your side, than be without you for a moment longer," he admitted in a soft whisper, sliding his fingers through Kíli's impossibly messy hair._ _

__He has an idea and he guides them both to stand, pushing Kíli down onto his bed and grabbing the dwarf's hairbrush from his desk before sliding up behind him, kneeling comfortably at his back._ _

__"I can't give you a courting braid, but I can give you this," he murmured, staring at the end of Kíli's wild locks and gently dragging the brush through the tangles, patient as he loosened each and every knot. He hums the song of the Misty Mountains as he works, feeling the heat radiating off his brother's back and remembering when his mother used to do this for him as a small dwarfling, cradling him in her lap and telling him he was going to be a big brother as she brushed his leaf matted hair out. It was one of his most treasured memories._ _

__He worked until Kíli's hair was sleek and shiny, slipping his hands between the layers and making a small, neat braid that would be all but invisible in the masses of brown. A braid of love, possession, and desire. A braid just for them._ _

__He makes two visible braids on either side of Kíli's ears that match Fíli's own. Braids that speak of a close bond between brothers, clasped shut with the beads from his moustache._ _

__"No one ever has to know the details of our close bond," he murmured, pressing a kiss to each bead and offering the brunet a soft smile, fingers carding through the loose strands at his temples. He couldn't deny the thrill of excitement he felt at the idea of Kíli wearing his braids, even if no one could ever knew what they truly stood for. It would be good enough for Fíli that _they_ knew. _ _

__He pressed one last chaste kiss to Kíli's lips before he's standing, tugging on the hem of his tunic so it covers the wet spot on the front of his trousers._ _

__"I have to get some rest before training with Dwalin tomorrow. I will speak with Mysan and Uncle about marriage before the council meeting. I just want it done with as soon as possible, so we don't have to be afraid of Dain's offer any longer," he said wearily, longing to slide into Kíli's bed and hold his brother close as they slept. But that was not something they could ever have, not for many years._ _

__"I will visit you after my lessons with Balin and tell you the news."_ _

__He smiled faintly and indulged himself in a final kiss before leaving the room._ _

__Every step away from his One felt like a shard of glass in his gut, but he forced himself to go all the way back to his bedroom and close the door firmly behind him, his heart wailing all the while for him to return._ _

__It was for his own good. For _their_ own good that he did this._ _

__Tomorrow he would meet with Mysan, beg her forgiveness and her indulgence in a second chance at courting, and then he would go to his Uncle with the good news. Thorin would be appeased his heir had a wife, Dain would be disappointed, and Fíli would enjoy a lifetime with his brother's love warming his soul._ _

__But as the old saying goes, the best laid plans are always the first to go astray._ _

For a second time that night, Kíli doesn't watch his One leave, though he does feel better than he did the first time, if only marginally. His very soul demands that he go to Fíli’s room and spend the night in each other’s arms, but he knows why that can’t happen.

He has Fíli’s braids in his hair though and for right now, it’s enough to make him smile a little as the runs his fingers over the first braid his brother made. _Their_ braid, his favorite braid. He plays with the other two just so he doesn’t start a habit of reaching for the secret one.

Surprisingly he doesn’t want to pick at them until they fall out, in fact he’s sure that if they did he’d go to Fíli’s room and make him do them again. For a moment he actually entertains the idea of doing just that so he can see his brother again tonight before he moves to stand and is reminded that he’s sticky and wet.

He needs a bath.

Kíli lets out a long, annoyed groan before kicking off his boots and then his trousers and smalls, letting them go flying in the general direction of the dirty clothes bin. He’s much more careful about taking off his tunic, not wanting to snag the beads on the lacings. He’s careful when he’s in the bathroom tying his hair up too - he doesn’t want the braids to come out in the water or when he undoes the leather strip when he’s done.

He’s tired, so he’s quick to scrub everywhere that needs to be scrubbed even, with a little part of him bemoaning the fact that he’s washing away the scent of Fíli. He knows how to fix that though and as soon as he towels himself off, pulls the tie from his hair, and goes to the mirror to make sure all the braids are still fine, he finds the tunic he was wearing earlier and slips it back on, climbing into bed.

The brunet falls asleep with his brother’s scent surrounding him and the memory of his body against his. It’s a much more peaceful sleep then he’d thought he’d get tonight.

Until Ori comes in bright and early, so they can study. At least the younger dwarf has the sense to bring breakfast with him. So after Kíli dresses and stuffs his face, much to Ori’s annoyance, which makes him sound like Dori and that remark earns the Prince some additional reading, they spend the morning going over the history of their people.

It’s boring but Kíli really does try to pay attention and not think about getting to see Fíli in a few hours.

The pair head down to the kitchens for lunch and meet up with Bombur and Bofur, and the four sit and talk while they eat smoked ham and potatoes, steering clear of talk about the King - just a lot of idle chit-chat really. 

Kíli, Bofur, and Ori leave together though they don’t walk together long. Bofur has to get back down to the mines and Ori has to find Dori before his older brother has a fit. The Prince says his goodbyes and tries not to run too quickly back up to his room.

In a few hours he'd get to see Fíli. He only hoped his brother's day was going as smoothly as his own.

And Fíli's day certainly does start better than the last several have. He's not sure if that's because he actually got to rest the day before, despite his injuries, or because of how light his body felt from the realization of the bond between him and his One.

Either way, his body moves with more energy than he's known in weeks, and Dwalin isn't able to lay him out on his back a single time that morning. The gruff warrior is impressed with the blond Prince's skills with a blade, particularly when he wields his dual swords. It takes an incredible amount of work and time to master one blade, but to master two? Fíli had been training since childhood, and even Dwalin had to admit he was pleased, and surprised, with the remarkable progress the dwarf had made in the years he'd trained him. The Prince was a natural with a sword, and if Dis were alive to ask he'd be interrogating her about whether the boy was born with one in hand. 

He knew the reasons why Fíli fought to become such a Master with the blade, of course. Only a blind fool wouldn't see that Fíli's entire life was devoted to his brother. To protecting him, and keeping him safe from harm. It'd been why he had picked up a sword so young and begged Dwalin to teach him to fight. It was why he continued to meet every one of Thorin's increasingly insane demands. 

Unaware of Dwalin's musings over his motivations and skills, Fíli is checking his blades over for any nicks or imperfections from their practice before returning them to the special double sheath he'd made himself. It made it easy to remove both swords with fluid ease; one from over his right shoulder and the other from under his left arm. The oblong design was also compact and less cumbersome than crossed sheaths across the back. 

He's actually _smiling_ by the time he's returned his weapons to his room and changed into his formal wear for the afternoon's council meeting, making his way towards the, for now, empty library where he'd asked Mysan to meet him. The smile fades, though, at the look on her face when he enters the room, choosing to stay by the door than approach the visibly enraged dwarf.

"If you've come to try and woo me, Prince Fíli, I'm here to say you're wasting your breath. Last night you embarrassed and shamed me. Left me to walk back to my quarters alone, so you could chase after your whelp of a brother! I am no common tavern wench that you can just take what you want from me and then leave," she snapped, giving him a glare to wither even the tallest of trees. He winces at the truth in her words, ducking his head to stare determinedly at his boots. This wasn't going anywhere near the way he'd planned. Thorin had given him the deadline of last night, and if Mysan refused to give him any quarter, then he had nothing to bring to the table.

"Mysan, I swear on my honor, it wasn't like that. He was upset about something and I just.. It's only ever been us, you know? The two of us. I'm his big brother, what was I supposed to do?" he sighed, staring at her desperately. 

She seemed wholly unimpressed, however, and folded her arms over her chest, staring down her nose at the Prince.

"You were supposed to tell me goodnight and take me back to my room! I had just agreed to be your consort, to become your wife, and you toss me out the door like some disreputable slattern! When is your brother going to grow up, Fíli? When are _you_ going to grow up?" 

She pushes her way past him and storms away in an indignant huff, grumbling under her breath about fool Princes and the insanity of royalty, not realizing the damage she had just done.

Fíli wants to throw up.

No, no, he is going to throw up.

After emptying his stomach into one of the waste baskets normally used for used parchments and papers, he staggers blindly in the direction of the council rooms. It wouldn't do to be late, not after falling asleep on the table, yesterday. Especially not when he was hoping to beg for mercy from the mad King.

His luck makes a reappearance, and the council room is only occupied by Thorin and Balin, who had decided to sit in on today's meeting at the urging of the King's Consort. More for Fíli's protection than any real need to be there, though neither Thorin nor Fíli were aware. 

Fíli takes some heart in the wise old dwarf's presence and sits down at Thorin's right, stomach surging painfully at the neutral look his Uncle gives him. Eyes that were once full of so much warmth and affection were now dull with indifference. 

"Uncle.. I was, unfortunately, unable to find a wife last night that bore the proper respect and dignity a consort of the line of Durin should maintain. Perhaps if you gave me more time, my King, I could find a suitable-"

Thorin cut him off with a raised hand, looking down at his papers for today's meeting and shuffling idly through them, as if what Fíli had to say actually bored him.

"I already said what was to be done, and you did not do it. I will send Dain a raven after supper to let him know that his offer has been accepted, then. There is a caravan to the Iron Hills in six days time. I expect you'll be packed and on it, nephew?"

He surveyed the stunned blond critically, watching as Fíli's mouth opened and closed wordlessly. 

So then Thorin had truly sunk so far into the madness as to subject Fíli to such a horrid fate without so much as a moment's hesitation?

Something inside him broke, then. The same something that had pushed him all his life to make Thorin proud, to be just like him when he grew older. To be worthy of being called his son, his _heir._

What good was it to be called son by a mad King?


	3. What If I'm Far From Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been five years since his brother was sent away into slavery, and Kíli goes to bring Fíli home to Erebor.

"My decision is final. I will entertain no arguments."

Fíli stared at his Uncle in open-mouthed horror, unable to process what he'd just said.

"I will send Dain a raven after supper to let him know that his offer has been accepted."

He barely registered Balin's protests, or the hands of the guards gripping his forearms and leading him away. He was roughly stripped of his fine clothing and dressed in his leathers and furs for travel, too far gone with shock to do much himself. 

He doesn't even get to say goodbye to his brother before he's loaded onto the caravan to the Iron Hills with a small duffel bag of clothing and food, his wrists and ankles in shackles to keep him from escaping. Thorin's short deadline made sense, now. There would not be another caravan for many months, and so this was his soonest opportunity to be rid of his useless heir. 

After all, he had a spare, didn't he?

The journey to the Hills was not as long as Fíli wanted it to be. When he refused to eat, food was forced down his throat. When he refused to drink, he was held down and his jaw pried open so water could be poured inside. Both attempts to take his own life by throwing himself over the side of the caravan when they entered the narrow, cliff edged roads of the mountains were thwarted. And so Fíli, son of Dis, heir to throne of Erebor and descendant of Durin the Deathless, passed into the Iron Hills, and the possession of Dain II Ironfoot.

He was stripped of his filthy clothing and scrubbed until his skin was raw, manacled to the heavy iron bars at the head of Dain's massive bed. 

And when Dain took him that night, it was without mercy. 

Fíli waited for Kíli to come. Each day in Dain's possession brought new horrors. When he disobeyed, he was beaten violently, sometimes with the wooden rod, other times with Dain's own fists, and there were many beatings in those first few weeks in the Iron Hills. He refused to cooperate with this monster, to go quietly into the night as his pet. Kíli would come soon. Kíli had promised not to abandon him to this fate.

When salvation came, it wasn't at the hands of his brother, but rather in the form of an innocuous brownish powder that Dain made him breathe in through his nose. It was like sinking into the softest cushion he had ever imagined, and when Dain raped him that night, he laid still and silent through the whole thing, smiling as if he were living in a dream. 

Days turned into weeks, and those weeks became months, and those months slowly funneled into years. Five years in Dain's possession. Five years to become a passive slave under the influence of the drug. Fíli relished the gentle haze it brought to his mind, the peace and the quiet that filled the void inside him. Dain used this to his advantage, and Fíli did anything his Master desired when the reward for his obedience was so... wonderful. 

Dain's willing whore, allowing strangers to use him for a taste of bliss. 

It had taken Dain only two years to break him. Two years to change Fíli from Prince to Possession. Fíli wasn't Fíli anymore. And so when a young brown haired King arrived on the doorstep to his prison, he did not recognize his face. 

It had been the marking of the birthing day of Dain's son, Thorin III, and so Fíli had been his present. Now strung out on the Bliss he'd been given as a reward for being so well behaved and full from the rich, heavy lunch the servants had brought, the blond lay curled up in the nest of pillows where he slept in the private chambers Dain had given him after he'd been broken. There were no beds, because slaves did not get beds, but his cushions were soft enough. His hair was intricately braided and decorated with beads and his skin had a faint glow to it despite the scars marring his back from the beatings he had received, shining faintly with the oils servants had rubbed into it. His face was smooth and clean shaven, so that his beard did not scratch uncomfortably when he was being used, and there were a few more lines around his eyes that had not been there before, but, other than that, Fíli looked much the same he had before he'd been taken. 

Dain offered the mystery guest a smile, beckoning Fíli towards him and, Fíli, too eager to please his Master, slid towards him on all fours, kneeling at his feet and looking up at him with tired adoration.

"You'll notice some changes, of course. His attitude simply did not do, and so it had to go. He is perfectly obedient, now, you'll see, aren't you, my pet?" Dain murmured, reaching out to cup his hand under Fíli's jaw.

The young dwarf gives him a dazed smile, unable to focus on the fuzzy pair of dwarves standing over him.

"Yes, Master. Would you like me to entertain your guest, Master?" he asked softly, hands coming up to grip at Dain's knees, sounding hopeful. 

Dain chuckled and offered his companion a sly look, sliding his fingers into the dwarf's golden hair and guiding his face towards his groin. 

"Not just yet, my pet. Perhaps if the young Lord has something of value to offer me," he said coolly, not breaking eye contact with the other dwarf even as Fíli nuzzled against the front of his trousers, lips parting. 

Dain waited until the look of distress on Kíli's face at seeing his brother so willingly submit to the King reached its peak and began to boil over into anger before he tightened his grip on Fíli's hair to hold him still, grinding his groin against Fíli's face. And his sweet, obedient pet sat there and took it..

"So, little King. What is it you come to offer me in exchange for such an invaluable possession as my dear Fíli?"

Kíli wants to throw up at the sight before him and then wants to cut Dain's cock off and force feed it to him before having the King's head put on a pike before Erebor's gate. He wants more than that too and the more he thinks on it the more violent they become and yet nothing feels like enough for what Dain has turned Fíli into. 

The only thing that stops him is Balin's voice in the back of his mind saying that Erebor would lose if they went to war with the Iron Hills. Six years after being reclaimed and Erebor still wasn't ready for anything like that, especially with Dain who could easily cut off their supplies and was in line for Erebor's throne.

Guilt and self loathing settle themselves into his gut along with the burning hatred. Five years had been too long to wait to come after his brother and he was sure this was his punishment for waiting, for breaking his promise to not let this happen to Fíli. The archer had promised to bury an arrow deep into the King's skull before he even got here but he hadn't done that.

Kíli had let down the one person who had always been there for him. Instead he had spent three years going through training to become the next King, when he had finally overthrown his Uncle and had him locked away in his rooms. He wanted to leave then but Balin had advised him to wait until he had secured the faith of his people before he could leave and expect for the throne to be there waiting for him.

He should have left to save his brother five years ago instead of waiting like Balin had told him to. He shouldn't have waited to take the throne from Thorin or to get the approval of his people. All of that wasn't worth the things that Fíli had been through in that time and new King of Erebor couldn't help but hate Balin and himself for letting this happen.

The King Under the Mountain doesn't break eye contact with Dain as he reaches into his pack to pull out an ornate wooden box. He lifts the lid and turns to show the other King what he has brought in order to buy his brother back.

It's the Arkenstone. The stone that had claimed the lives of his grandfather and great grandfather and the mind of his Uncle. It had also brought Smaug to Erebor. As far as he saw, the damn rocked was cursed and maybe now it would bring the same troubles to Dain. It was better than throwing the blasted thing into the ocean or dropping it down the deepest mine shaft. At least if he could trade it for Fíli, it would serve a good purpose.

Kíli knows he doesn't have to tell the other what it is and it's a good thing because he can't trust himself to open his mouth without calling Dain every horrible word he had ever heard in his life. He may even threaten the King, which wouldn't be conducive to his cause.

Dain actually pauses when he sees what it is Kíli's come to barter with, swatting Fíli away when the blond whimpers for his attention. 

"Be quiet, you useless slut," he hisses, greedily drinking in the brilliant shine of the stone in the depths of the box. Far from his mind, now, were thoughts of the dwarf groveling at his feet like a whipped dog, replaced by his lust for the stone of the Gods.

"You would waste the Heart of the Mountain on such a broken little thing?" Dain whispered, casting a glance down at the desperate Fíli, silently begging not to be punished. He reached out to grab the box from Kíli and licked his lips, staring deep into the swirling stone.

"Done. He is yours. Be gone from my mountain by nightfall."

Dain paused on his way out the door and gave Kíli an amused grimace, tossing him a pouch.

"Oh. And you may need this. He's grown... used to a certain kind of reward. Good bye."

So, he left his once prized treasure with the other King, to glut himself on the glory of his new precious thing.

And Fíli was lost and betrayed once more, staring up at the brown haired dwarf with nothing short of terror.

"Are you.. going to punish me, now?" he asked in a rough whisper, shrinking down into the plush carpeting like a cornered animal. Had he done something wrong? Why was Master giving him away? He didn't want to leave, this was his home! 

Kíli looked between the pouch and Dain's retreating back, not liking the tone of his voice or the look on his face. He prays to Mahal that the Arkenstone curses Dain worse than anything it had done to his own family.

He pockets the pouch, he'll see what Fíli's “reward” is later, and looks down to his brother. His heart breaks to see the blond so afraid, to know that he's caused this.

“No, Fíli. No one is going to punish you ever again. I'm going to take you home, back to Erebor.” He gives a gentle smile to his brother but there isn't even a hint of recognition in those blue eyes. Does he even remember Erebor? What if he doesn't? That would mean that the one night they had together as lovers would only be remembered by him. That one night that had meant everything to him and kept him going through five years of tortuous waiting was nothing to his other half.

The archer feels like he's stepped back in time, back to before the quest when he was silently pining after his older brother with no hope in sight that his love would ever be returned. He had drank back then up until that night just to deal with his feelings, but he had stopped when Fíli had left. He needed to be clear headed to go through with his plan to overthrow Thorin and rescue Fíli. 

“Fee, you know who I am right? I'm Kíli, I'm your brother,” he has to fight to keep his voice his from breaking under the weight of his guilt and broken heart. 

 

Fíli mind is clouded by the drug, and he stares uncomprehendingly at the other dwarf, his brows drawing together before he looks down and away at the floor, unable to meet his eyes.

"My brother abandoned me. He broke his promise to me and left me here. Master is the only one I can trust, now," he said coldly, turning away from Kíli and drawing his knees up under his chin. His pupils have shrunk to pinpricks, and it's hard to keep the rage inside him from spilling over. Only the sheer terror at being punished keeps him from attacking the other dwarf in his growing fury. The drug flowing through his veins helped, as well. It muddled his mind and while it had made it easier to survive each day, it had also buried away his memories of a past he had given up all hope of seeing again. He didn't remember this home, or this Erebor. What point was there in remembering what only cause him pain? 

He had hoped that maybe Kíli might leave him here, but, another dwarf entered the room, and Fíli did not know this one, either. He was broad and burly, with a bald head and twin axes poking out over his shoulders. He knew the look of sadness and pity well enough, though, and it was enough to make him huff and turn away again. 

He did not need their pity. Pity did not give him back his life. 

Fíli's thoughts were becoming all too lucid for his taste, filled with bitterness, anger, and betrayal, and he whimpered and curled inwards, putting his head between his thighs.

"My King.. We must leave, before Dain changes his mind and decides to keep Fíli by force," Dwalin said quietly, staring at the scarred and broken shadow rolling on the floor, as if Fíli were trying to disappear in on himself.

Kíli stared wide eyed at Fíli, feeling like all the air had left the room and he had just been slapped in the face. He wanted to argue that it wasn't true, he had come here to save him just like he promised! He was here now, he never abandoned his older brother.

But he had hadn't he? He had put the needs of his people before his brother, his One, and now he was going to pay the price of that decision for the rest of his life. The dreams that he had during the five years Fíli had been gone, all the ones about how they would rule Erebor together, were all dashed with the first four words that the blond had said.

He doesn't even hear Dwalin come in and barely registers what is said to him. All Kíli can do is look at the floor before him, shoulders sagging as he tries to remember how to breathe.

“Yes, let's go home,” he says as evenly as he can. Three years under Thorin's strict training had taught him how to hide his emotions just as well as Fíli used to be able to. Which he thought was a benefit right now because he doesn't Dain or any dwarf in the Iron Hills to see just how much he's hurting right now.

There is a small part of him that wonders if the Fíli from five years ago would have hated his brother's new skill just as much as Kíli had hated seeing Fíli's mask come up.

The King shakes the thought, and Dwalin's hand that had been on his shoulder, off as he takes a deep breath to address the blond before him.

“Your master gave you to me though, Fíli, and we're leaving now.” His voice cracks on his brother's name but that doesn't stop him from turning on his heel and heading out of the room, dutifully ignoring whatever look Dwalin is giving him right now. He needs out, to escape from the emotions that threaten to break him.

 

When he meets the rest of his group standing just outside, he doesn't bother to look at any of them. Nori, Ori, Oin, Bofur, and Bifur had also accompanied him and Dwalin to the Iron Hills and he can't deal with the hope that he would see in their eyes.

“Don't be surprised if he doesn't recognize any of you, he doesn't even know who I am.” He uses the steady King voice that he's practiced all these years to address them as he hands Oin the pouch of Fíli's “reward”. The healer would have a much better guess as to what was in it then he ever would.

Dwalin watches Kíli go with no small amount of disbelief, turning back to look at the pathetic thing crumpled in a ball on the floor. He barely hears the whispered "Yes, Master", drawing a ragged sigh from the old dwarf. 

He takes one of the blankets from the pile of bedding and wraps Fíli up in it, hefting him in his arms and carrying him away from the dreadful place. He's lighter than Dwalin expected, though he is certainly far too skinny for his own good, and he wondered briefly what the weight of one's spirit might be.

He can't help but smile when Fíli unconsciously tucks closer to him, burying his face in the heavy furs he was wearing. As broken as the young dwarf was, he was still alive and well, and that counted as something to Dwalin, who had expected news of Fíli's suicide, or death at Dain's hands. But it seemed this scared young thing still had fight in him, even if it was buried under years of conditioning and abuse. 

The small company that had come on this journey all look up when he steps into the camp they'd made at the base of the mountain, with Fíli bundled in his arms, and the breath they'd all been holding rushes out in a soft sigh. Fíli was alive. The rest could all come later, because Fíli was _alive._

Dwalin slips inside Oin's tent and deposits the blond on his cot, turning his heavy stare on the elderly medic.

"Check him over for injury, treat any wounds. Kíli and I will wait for your report. And.. be thorough," he ordered, receiving a nod from Oin, who sets his ear trumpet aside and peels the blankets back. 

Dwalin has to leave. He'd already seen the dark scars on Fíli's skin, and if he had to see them again he'd likely march into the mountain and behead Dain himself. How could Thorin have exiled his nephew into such torment? 

Feeling sick, Dwalin settles down beside his King by the fire, staring into the flickering red and orange as if hoping it would show him what to do. He had known Thorin was fading long before anyone else. He was his One, after all. Fated to be together since birth, their souls twined together. But in the end, he'd been forced to betray that love, and give his support to his usurper. Thorin was now locked away in his quarters, pining away the days with his anger and his madness. Perhaps, now that the stone was gone, his love could finally have peace from the evil that plagued him. 

Dwalin closed his eyes and folded his hands in his lap, letting the warmth of the fire sink into his bones.

"I know you are hurting, but I do not think that getting angry with Fíli will help him heal any faster, my King," he said quietly, feeling it necessary to voice his thoughts on how Kíli had acted earlier. He understood the pain Kíli must be feeling right now, but, it wouldn't do any good for them to blame Fíli for his behavior, or to punish him for it.

"He is alive, and physically seems quite healthy. We should be thankful for that much."

Kíli breathes slowly out of his nose, willing the petulant part of him that wants to tell Dwalin off, away. What would the gruff dwarf know about having his brother saying he had betrayed and abandoned him? It's not like Balin would ever say that to his younger brother and it's not like Dwalin would leave his brother at the hands of a monster while he took over a kingdom.

There's a twist in his gut though because maybe Balin would never say those things, but Dwalin had heard them from his One too. Although the archer doesn't think that his Uncle's lover deserved it, unlike himself, he would still understand that pain better than anyone else in their camp tonight. He couldn't ask for any advice though or even seek comfort in just talking about it because of who exactly his One is. 

“It's not Fíli that I'm mad at,” the King replies simply. He had been staring into the fire as well, hoping for something to ease his conscience but there's only burning wood. He doesn't feel the heat, unwilling to accept warmth that he didn't deserve. He didn't deserve any kind of compassion or understanding after what he'd left his One to go through. He was meant to protect his brother and his lover but he hadn't and Mahal was punishing him for it.

He doesn't blame Fíli for the things he said because they were absolutely true.

“I'm happy to have my brother back, Dwalin, truly I am. But he isn't so happy to be back with me after leaving him here and I don't blame him for that.” Kíli's heart clenches in his chest at the admission but he keeps his face blank. 

Dwalin sighed and clapped the dwarf on the shoulder, squeezing gently.

"He's been through a lot, Kíli. It'll take time. His mind needs to heal from what Dain has done. Until then we just have to be patient, and do our best to give him what he needs until he's better. And feeling sorry for yourself won't fix any of that, or help him heal. We abandoned him, but now we have the chance to make up for what wrongs we have done. And I think, maybe, your brother is scared and alone right now, and he could use someone in that tent telling him he's safe and it'll be okay while Oin is poking and prodding at him."

He leveled a meaningful stare at the brunet dwarf, gesturing with his head to nudge Kíli in the right direction.

"Fíli is like an injured, cornered animal right now. He's going to lash out at everyone, and he's terrified. We have to be supportive and reassuring, and constantly remind him that he is safe, and that no one here is going to hurt him. Only when he feels like we can protect him and take care of him better than Dain will he be able to start healing."

Kíli stares back at the other dwarf; he's gotten good at not being cowed into things over the last five years. It was something he had to learn if he didn't want his kingdom to be torn to pieces by squabbling nobles.

He wants to argue that Bofur might be the better choice to send in right now since Fíli doesn't even recognize his own brother. The miner had a way with putting people at ease that he was in awe and maybe just a little bit jealous of. Ori would be a good choice too since he was the least threatening of their group and gentle as a summer breeze. Well right up until you put a weapon in his hand but that was irrelevant. It doesn't really matter who goes in since Fíli doesn't recognize any of them, they all mean about the same thing to him.

The King does get up to go to Oin's tent though, definitely not because Dwalin has started to outright glare at him and he hasn't seen that look since he was a dwarfling, and he doesn't like what he sees inside.

Fíli sits on a cot and from his vantage point, Kíli can see a lot of scars that his brother didn't have when he left Erebor. He hadn't noticed all of them earlier but then he'd been trying very hard to ignore what the blond had been doing to Dain. The picture the marks paint though is worse than what he thought happened in five years and he can't help but feeling even more guilty for not coming sooner.

“How is he doing, Oin?” He asks gently as he moves over the healer's side. He doesn't want to scare Fíli if Dwalin happens to be right about him being like a scared animal.

Oin looks up when Kíli enters the tent, holding a finger up so he can put his trumpet to his ear. After Kíli's repeated his question he bows his head, staring down at his patient. Fíli seems to shrink even more under their gaze, tugging the blanket that'd been draped over him to preserve what modesty he had left up to his nose. 

"There are no fresh wounds, other than a bruise on his cheek. The rest are all mostly scarred over by now, but they are.. extensive," he admits, gesturing for Kíli to step outside the tent with him so Fíli wouldn't hear. He sends Ori in to keep an eye on the blond, folding his arms over his chest.

"There are signs of numerous beatings. His back is a mess of scars in various stages of healing, his wrists and ankles bear scars from manacles, and there is.. some internal damage. His throat is swollen and irritated, and his.. That is, to say, the Prince has been.. violated, in the worst way. Frequently, since the time of his arrival in the Iron Hills, I expect. There is scarring from the brutality, and there was.. Fresh spend inside him. From no later than this morning."

Oin's voice grows quieter and quieter with each word, his face twisting into a repulsed expression. It was the lowest form of vileness to use another in such a way, and an heir of Durin at that. 

"And that isn't all. Fíli's been completely traumatized by his abuse at Dain's hands. He's been warped by it to think he'd deserved it. That he'd merely been punished for his disobedience. He's been trained like a... like a dog to crave physical affection, and I'm worried that the abuse may have injured his brain, as well. He was dazed when he came to me, but growing more lucid by the second, and I think he has spells of incoherency brought on by one too many strikes to the head and neck. Not complete madness, but, with this and his injuries he won't be able to ride a pony, or walk, not until they heal and the strength returns to him. The muscles in his legs are weak from years of confinement and restricted movement. He'll need to ride with someone, and we'll have to take it at a very slow pace, and stop fre-"

Whatever else Oin had been about to say is cut off by a scream from Ori, and the young dwarf comes tumbling out of the tent with Fíli scrambling on top of him like a spider with a fly in its web. He was wild eyed and desperate, clawing at Ori's clothing until Dwalin grabs him around the middle and hauls him off the other dwarf, keeping him suspended in air even as he writhed.

"P-Please I'll do anything, I'll do anything you w-want! I need it, I need the Bliss!" he sobbed, dragging his nails over Dwalin's arms and leaving red furrows in his wake. Ori rolled away like he'd been scalded, clutching his half unlaced shirt together and staring open mouthed at Fíli.

"Please, I'll be good, I'll be good, Master, I'm a good pet! You can fuck me as hard as you want, please, I need it!"

Dwalin dragged the distraught dwarf towards the tent, attempting to wind his belt around Fíli's arms so he didn't hurt himself.

"What in Mahal's name is he talking about? Kíli!"

Kíli looks between his brother and Dwalin and Ori who's hiding behind his older brother. Everyone is looking at him but he has as much of an idea as to what Fíli is talking about as they do. It's not like he and his brother had talked about whatever the Bliss is. 

“I don't know,” he says quietly. He hates seeing the blond like this and hearing the words that seem to easily come out of his mouth. He's ready to send Nori back into the mountains to kill Dain in his sleep when something clicks in his head.

He's suddenly going through Oin's coat pockets until he comes up with the pouch that the King of the Iron Hills had tossed him earlier.

“Your bliss is in this pouch, isn't it Fíli?” The archer asks holding it up so his brother can see it. Dain had called it his “reward” and Fíli had said that he'd be a good pet, and good pets got a reward.

Kíli unties the bag and looks inside only to see a brown-ish powder inside that he doesn't recognize. He hands the pouch back to Oin who looks before taking a small pinch and rubbing it between his thumb and forefinger. 

“It's a powered version of milk of the poppy,” he announces and the King can feel his hands shaking with the need to strangle the life right out of Dain. No wonder Fíli seemed to go in and out of coherency, he had this drug in his system, no doubt to keep him from fighting.

“How do we get him off of it?” He asks the healer. He knew back from his days in Ered Luin just how addicting the stuff could be, he even had a few people offer it to him, and if Fíli had been on this stuff for five years then he's too dependent on it to just stop using it.

“Very slowly.”

Kíli sighs and carefully approaches his brother.

“If you want the Bliss then you should stop jumping on people, and you don't need to be...” he pauses and shakes his head, “all you have to do is ask Oin for it. And I'm not your Master, Fíli. I'm just Kíli.” He says everything gently, like a suggestion. 

Fíli goes still when the bag comes into sight, staring at it with a starved expression. He nods at Kíli's words, willing to agree to just about anything if it meant getting what he needed.

Dwalin is careful to set him down on the ground, and Fíli crawls on all fours to sit at Kíli's feet, grabbing at handfuls of his heavy leather coat.

"Yes, Master. I'll be good, Master, please," he whimpered, waiting for the other dwarf to gather a small amount in his palm before he's burying his face in it, inhaling the euphoric powder. It's smudged around his nose when he falls back again, eyes fluttering as it begins to sink in, breath stuttering. 

He doesn't even move when Dwalin picks him back up again, or when Nori scrubs the mess from his face. Nothing matters anymore, because he's a million miles away, floating on a cloud of peace and quiet. 

"I can.. acquire more of this when we return to Erebor," the spymaster said quietly, gaze shifting between his King and the broken dwarf in Dwalin's arms. 

"The finest blend, so Fíli won't get sick from anything impure that's cut into the cheap stuff."

Fíli makes a faint noise like a whine and turns into Dwalin's grip, rubbing his face into his furs like a cat seeking attention. Perplexed by this strange behavior, the old warrior hefts him in his arms so he's closer to his chest, and the blond seems quite pleased with this, all but willing to disappear completely into the dwarf's embrace.

Oin is unsurprised by this, taking the bag back from Kíli and inspecting its contents again.

"He will crave physical affection and companionship. Do not be surprised if he comes to you seeking it out. The best thing we can do for him right now is meet his needs, as we are made aware of them, while we wean him off the drugs," he tells the group that's assembled, receiving a mixed reaction of nods and low murmurs of acknowledgement.

Kíli’s jealousy flares up for the first time in a very long time when he sees Fíli trying to get closer to Dwalin. It shouldn’t be Dwalin that his brother is trying to burrow into, it should be himself. It should be Kíli that Fíli turns to for comfort, just like the younger had always done when they were growing up. He hasn’t felt this level of jealousy since his brother had told him that even with everything that had happened, he still had to marry Mysan.

The King takes a deep breath to stop his feelings and his thoughts before they get out of control. None of the current company knew just how deeply their relationship used to run so getting jealous just because his _brother_ was cuddling with someone else would be hard to explain.

Although he’d be lucky if Fíli even claimed him as his brother once he was off the drugs completely.

“Thank you, Nori. Hopefully it won’t take too long after we’ve gotten back for him to be better,” he says a little hopefully as he looks to Oin who only shrugs. 

“It’s hard to say how long exactly but it will take time.”

Kíli rubs one of temples for a second, already feeling a monster headache coming on and only wanting to fall into his bed tonight and possibly sleep for the rest of his life. He’s a King now though so he’s not allowed to that and besides with Thorin locked away and Fíli in his current condition, he didn’t want Dain to come to Erebor thinking that he could lay claim to the throne.

Actually he doesn’t want Dain anywhere near his kingdom, he’s going to have to remember to make it so Dain can’t get into Erebor, ever. The last thing his brother would need is the King of the Iron Hills showing up unannounced, which Kíli wouldn’t put past him.

“Well since Fíli is,” he tries to think of a better word than high, “taken care of as it were for the night, we might as well get some rest too. Especially since we have a long journey home to start tomorrow.” And he needed to write a quick letter to Balin with an update. 

He’s quick to decide that maybe Fíli should stay with Oin since the healer would be the one in charge of weaning the blond off the drugs. He also decides to have the resident scribe send the note to Balin since he can’t guarantee to go into a petulant mood and blame all of this on the older dwarf. His adviser would no doubt blame himself anyway, he didn’t need Kíli piling more onto that. Besides he was feeling enough guilt and self loathing for all of them at the moment.

When Bofur offers him supper, he’s quick to decline but promises to eat in the morning. Right now he’s simply too tired to force food down his throat and he’s really not that hungry. All he wants is to collapse in his bed where he doesn’t have to be a King and let himself feel the horrible concoction of emotion that he wasn’t allowed to feel in front of others.

That’s exactly what he does and if he sheds a few tears before falling asleep, the stains on the pillow will be gone by morning and no one will be the wiser.


	4. What If I Can't Go On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dwalin knows more than he's letting on, Kíli is conflicted, and Fíli does something drastic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you missed it, we now have a [soundtrack](http://8tracks.com/f-ili/if-the-sky-comes-falling-down) for this fic!
> 
> Some triggering stuff in this chapter, please keep the content warning tags in mind when reading.

Fíli's night starts out pretty restful. Dwalin helps him dress in loose trousers and a tunic that cause him to squirm, but the dwarf makes for a comfortable pillow, and once he falls asleep he's less stiff and unsure about where he's allowed to touch the younger. It starts to grow colder as night settles around them, though, and Fíli grunts in frustration when he can't get the blankets untwisted from around Dwalin so that he can crawl between them.

Abandoning the other dwarf, he crawls to the next nearest companion, who happens to be Bifur, and is able to wriggle his way under his arm and into his bedroll, burying his face and hand in his thick beard. Bifur stiffens and he startles awake at the contact, but relaxes when he realizes who it is, tucking a protective arm around the already unconscious blond. 

When they wake with the rising sun it'd be Bofur that discovers his cousin with the young Prince cuddled against his side, his thumb in his mouth and his face buried in the thick grey and black of his beard. Bifur holds a finger up to tell Bofur to let the lad sleep a while longer until breakfast was ready, tugging the blankets up around his shoulders.

Ultimately, it's Fíli's own belly that brings him back to consciousness, and he sits up with an unhappy noise and wraps Bifur's blankets around himself. He's never had to ask for a meal before. It'd always been given to him when he'd earned it, but he was beginning to get the impression that his usual way of earning things wasn't acceptable for this new environment. He felt far out of his comfort zone, and so he sat there and waited for something to happen, staring at the ground. His old life had settled into a familiar, comfortable routine, once he'd learned to be obedient. Fíli knew when everything would happen, when he could expect to eat, to be touched, to be bathed, to be rewarded, to be punished, unless his former Master was in a mood. But now, everything was different. How was he supposed to earn breakfast if there was no sex?

He must have been visibly distressed, because Bifur's hand rests heavily on the top of his head and Fíli leans against the dwarf's body, letting himself be petted and soothed. It keeps him calm until Ori comes over with a bowl of steaming porridge and hands it to him, a shy smile on his face. 

But now Fíli encounters another problem.

He hadn't used a spoon in the five years he'd been in the Iron Hills. All his meals had been fed to him by Dain or the servants, partially to assert his subservience beneath all, but also probably out of the lingering fear of what Fíli, thoroughly trained warrior that he had been, was capable of doing with even a scrap of metal or wood. And so now he was left to stare dumbly at the utensil, gaze flitting between it and the increasingly uncertain Ori that had sat next to him.

"Like this," the scribe instructed, picking up his own spoon and scooping it through his porridge to guide it to his mouth. Fíli stares, but obliges, grabbing his spoon in his fist much like a dwarfling and clumsily gathering some porridge onto it. He even manages to get most of it in his mouth on the first try, but unavoidably some spills on Bifur's blankets.

He cringes, expecting a reprimand or a swat in punishment.

But none comes.

Kíli watched his brother from across the camp, sighing heavily into his own porridge. The sight might have been a little endearing if he hadn't known why Fíli couldn't use a spoon. At least no one laughs, but there are a few sad smiles that are trying to hide behind being supportive. 

He stares down into his own bowl and knows he needs to set aside the things he feels if he wants to help Fíli get better but the weight of what he feels is hard to shake.

“They're your friends, Fíli,” the King says when he looks up to the blond and sees the look of wonder on his face.

“We're your friends,” he corrects himself. He doesn't know if the other remembers him admitting that they're brothers yesterday but with how Fíli reacted, it might be best not to remind him of it. Besides, it might be better for Kíli to aim for at least being friends since the blond has such a low opinion on his brother.

He's pretty much scratched ever being lovers again right off his wish list. 

“Fíli can ride with whoever he's most comfortable with but we'll have to rotate to give the ponies a break,” he says mostly to Dwalin sitting next to him and needing to dwell on something other than the past five years. His brother would be safe with anyone that he rode with, though a few might be safer than others. Some of the ponies could get testy if they had to carry two dwarves for too long. 

He wasn't sure if he actually wanted to ride with Fíli but he couldn't explain why that was to the others without things getting awkward. 

"Friends," Fíli echoed, rolling the word around in his mouth as if it were something potentially edible. It was a nice word. Fíli had friends. 

He ponders over what this means as he messily eats his breakfast, trying to at least get as much of the drippage back into the bowl as he can, but, ultimately, he ends up with smears of it down the front of his tunic. Back home, that would have meant a beating, or perhaps being denied a reward. But he supposed he wasn't home anymore, was he? He was actually starting to think that wasn't a bad thing, after all.

Fíli stood on shaky legs and walked towards Kíli, showing him the empty bowl with an expectant smile on his face.

"I'm all done," he told him primly, eyes flitting between the brunet, whom he recognized as being the authority figure by the way everyone else treated him, and Oin, the one that he'd been told was the keeper of his special reward. 

He can't bring himself to ask for his reward, though. Last night he had been desperate, but he'd learned not to ask Master for his reward a long time ago. He had to earn it, and Master decided when he'd earned it, not the other way around. And as Kíli was Master, now, it meant Kíli made that choice. 

"I... did good?" 

Kíli looked between the empty bowl, his brother, and Oin, completely unsure of how to proceed. It's not hard to figure that Fíli might be looking for his Bliss but at the same time the King doesn't think the drug should still be used as a reward if they're trying to wean Fíli off of it. Then again what does he know about things like that? He's only seen people use it, he's never even heard of someone trying to stop before.

Oin gives him a small nod before he gazes back up at the blond.

“Yeah, Fíli,” he smiles gently, fighting the urge to use his brother's nickname, “yeah you did really good.” He carefully takes the bowl and stacks it in his own, mostly empty, bowl.

“Maybe we can start working on having you ask for what you want. It's okay to ask for what you want or need, Fíli,” he says gently, eyes just a little sad. He starts to wonder how long it's been since his brother has had to ask for something but he doesn't let himself go too far down that road. He needed to be in the present for the blond, not locked away fighting with his own demons.

“We'll work up to it,” Kíli smiles as best as he can and watches Oin pull the pouch out from his coat. 

Fíli soaks up the praise with a look of delight, sinking down onto his knees when the pouch came into view. This startles the older dwarf, apparently, but when Fíli doesn't make a move to take the powder from him, his brows furrow.

"Master is the only one allowed to give it to me," he said by way of explanation, looking expectantly between Oin and Kíli. Ever since one of the servants had tried to poison Fíli with his dose of the Bliss, a well meaning girl who had sought to end the Prince's suffering and paid for it with her life, Dain had firmly impressed upon the blond that only his Master was allowed to give him his special reward. 

He doesn't notice the pitying looks he receives when he imparts this request upon the group. His eyes are focused on Kíli, still as bright blue as ever, if not as sharp and focused as they once were.

"Please, Master?"

Kíli's jaw clenches at the request. He doesn't like that his brother needs the drugs but had come to terms with it since it would be Oin giving out the doses that he needed. Now that it was him though it was a whole different thing. He didn't want to give Fíli the thing that Dain used to control him, he wanted to shake him and tell him that he didn't need it anymore. 

Dwalin's words from last night echo in his head. He had to give Fíli what he required until he was better, no matter how he felt about it, and if this was what his brother needed then Kíli should give it to him.

Besides he did say please and that was good.

“Sure, Fíli,” he says with a nod and reaches out so that Oin can put the powder in his palm. He really hates Dain right now but he offers it to his brother anyway.

“And you asked, that was good too,” He says and looks beyond the camp and his company, just because he has to give this to his brother doesn't mean that he has to watch.

Fíli's breath catches when he nuzzles against the proffered hand, quickly snorting the light brown powder up until Kíli's hand was clean of it, fingers curling into the fabric of the other dwarf's trousers. He smiles at the warmth that spreads through him and he leans forward against Kíli, resting his cheek against his belly.

"Thank you, Master.." he hummed contentedly, before settling back and reaching up to work at the ties on the Dwarf King's trousers. In Fíli's mind, getting the Bliss meant that it was time for him to pleasure Master and his companions, the way he'd been trained to do these past few years. Master came first, and then the rest in the order their rank dictated. He was very good with his mouth. He'd had many years to learn how to use it best, after all.

But when Dwalin's hands are on his wrists and pulling him away from Kíli, he whines, looking around in distress at the horrified dwarves nearby. 

Had he done something wrong? He'd just wanted to thank Master for being good to him, that was all. 

"Fíli, what in Mahal's name are you doing?" Dwalin demanded, his grip on Fíli's wrists still tight, as if afraid the blond would launch himself at Kíli if he released him.

Now more confused than ever, Fíli stared blearily up at him, blinking slowly in his uncertainty.

"My body is here for Master to use, and anyone Master deems worthy of sharing with. My purpose in life is to make Master happy and bring him pleasure," he explained, eyebrows knitting at the pained looks he gets. 

“You aren't here for anyone to use, Fíli, and I am not your Master. No one here is your Master, we're just your friends and family,” the King says sternly as he redoes the ties to his trousers, although he trips up a little over the last word. “I'm just Kíli and he's Dwalin. The others are Nori, Ori, Bifur, Bofur, and Oin. You should learn and use their names.” 

He looks at the dwarves in front of him before everything becomes too much and he has to leave. It's easy enough to find a pile of rocks at the base of the mountains to hide behind. He lets his hands rest just above his knees as he buckles, unable to stand straight when the weight of the things that had just happened hits him.

Had Dwalin not pulled Fíli away from him, Kíli had been ready just to let his brother do as he wished, right in front of the entire camp. He'd barely been able to stop himself from running his spare hand through blond hair as he breathed in that drug, he hadn't been able to fight at all when Fíli had gone after his laces.

It had been so long since he'd had his other half so close and there had been so many nights that he had wondered what it would be like to have Fíli so close to him again. What it might be like to see just how much his brother wanted him. 

Fíli hadn't actually wanted that though had he? No. No, he was only going after Kíli's laces because he thought that he _had_ to. What did it say about himself that he was just going to let it happen?

He shook his head, feeling the weight of the braids that marked him as a King swinging. He couldn't give Fíli the drugs anymore if he couldn't trust himself with his brother so close. Oin would have to be the one to give the blond what he wanted then. He would keep his distance.

After he recollects himself, the King stands up straight and heads back towards the camp, announcing his decision and the fact that it's time to leave as he reenters.

Fíli goes limp in Dwalin's arms when Kíli storms away, staring down as he tries to digest what he's just been told.

"No.. No Master?" he whimpered, sounding small and afraid at the very idea of it. He could barely remember a time before Master, before being owned. Being owned meant safety and protection. It meant belonging. But if Fíli didn't have a Master, anymore, then where did he belong in this group?

The drugs made it hard to think, hard to focus. His memories were like smudges in his mind, trickling through his fingers like water when he tried to hold on. He embraced it and let himself sink into it, and so he didn't notice the tears rolling down his cheeks, or the shivers that wracked his body. 

He also misses the unhappy stares Kíli gets upon his return, wrapped up in a blanket and seated in front of Bifur on his pony as he was, strung out on the Bliss. 

Dwalin just looks disappointed, shaking his head as he mounts his pony. He knew this was hard for Kíli. It was hard on all of them. But this wasn't going to help anyone.

"Is it really so bad for him to call you Master, Kíli? Until he's a little more lucid and he can understand the difference between being free and being abandoned and unwanted," he said as gently as he could, guiding his pony next to the King's. Fíli is up ahead with Bifur, safely tucked in the old warrior's arms as he rode beside his cousin. Dwalin can't get the broken way Fíli had replied to Kíli's order out of his head, or the look of fear on his face. 

"I know it's tough, lad, but I think it's the best thing for him right now. Gives him a sense of familiarity. At least until we get to the safety of Erebor."

The King could care less right now about the looks that everyone is giving him. Let them all be mad at him, they wouldn’t understand why he’s not strong enough to have Fíli so close to him anyway. They would probably hate him if they did know and that’s not something he can handle right now. The group being mad was easy because eventually they would let it go but he can’t have his closest friends and family truly hate him when he already hates himself.

He’s not Thorin, he needs at least the people close to him to like him.

“No Dwalin, you really don’t know,” he sighs heavily but corrects himself and sits up straighter in his saddle, “but you’re right. If Fíli needs a Master then I should be able to let him at least call me that. I don’t want him to feel unwanted.”

Looking ahead to see his brother safe with Bifur sparks his jealousy again but he’s quick to squash it. He may want to be the one that Fíli curls into when he wants to feel safe but he sure as shit doesn’t deserve it. He proved that once and for all to himself earlier when he couldn’t stop Fíli from undoing the laces of his trousers.

“Oin should still be the one to give him his Bliss, though. I have no idea how to help people get off things like that and I don’t want to make things worse than I already have for him. Fíli should be able to take the doses from Oin if I say that I trust him.” He reasons, more to himself than to Dwalin, and Oin would easily be able to brush off any of Fíli’s advances, unlike himself.

“It might be better if Fíli didn’t ride with me either. At least not while he thinks that he’s just here for his Master’s entertainment,” Kíli says a little bitterly. He hates Dain for making his brother think that, but they’re taking him home where he isn’t anyone’s slave. And that’s something he can take comfort in, at the very least.

Dwalin isn't about to let Kíli off the hook just yet, and he levels the brunet with a heavy, unyielding stare that would've made the dwarf cry when he was younger.

"So you're running away because you can't rationalize the role Fíli needs you to play right now with the fact that you love him as more than a brother," he said point blank, keeping his gaze fixed on him. Dwalin wasn't an idiot. He'd half raised the boys after Dis died, when Thorin was working at the forge. He knew them inside and out, better than they ever gave him credit, that's for sure. He'd seen the looks, the broken smiles when Fíli had been ordered to marry. He knew Balin was as much aware of the situation, as well. There weren't so many opposed to the idea as Kíli might think. The old beliefs were fading away, and the people were ready for a change.

Before Kíli gets a chance to respond a clamoring of noise startles Dwalin's gaze away, and he looks up to see Fíli struggling with Bifur, who was trying to keep the blond still before he fell off the pony. Fíli was screaming something, but the words were incoherent to Dwalin from this distance, and he caught Bofur and Ori looking helplessly back at them.

"Well, then. Here's your chance," he snorted, and slapped Kíli's pony on the rump to shock it forward towards the group up ahead.

Kíli glares back at Dwalin as his pony goes to catch up with Bifur's. He wants to tell him that he's wrong, even though he's not, while also telling him to just leave it be, which he knows Dwalin won't. So maybe the gruff dwarf does understand a little about what's going on but he doesn't know everything that's rolling around in the King's head right now.

And he is most certainly not running away because Kings don't do that. He's helping the best he can without taking advantage or hurting his brother, thank you very much. 

He slows his own pony down and draw her close enough to catch Fíli if he did fall off without squishing their legs between the ponies.

“What's going on? What happened?” He asks, looking between Bifur, Bofur, and Ori. He's almost tempted to call Oin up with them just in case Fíli needs more of that drug but he shouldn't need it so soon right? It seemed too soon to him at least.

"He just woke up and started screaming!" Bofur protested, unable to help his cousin as Bifur struggled to keep his arms around Fíli, who was at least hindered by the blanket wrapped around him. The blond finally manages to slip free, though, and half falls half flops onto the back of Kíli's blessedly calm pony, face up.

He gets an eyeful of the younger dwarf's startled expression and goes still, staring up at him like he was seeing Eru himself.

"I know your face," he whispered, forehead creasing as he struggled to find a name before Bifur's pony stepped sideways and Fíli fell to the ground with a thud that knocked the wind out of him. Whatever thought bubble that had been rising to the surface popped, and he was left to blink stupidly up at the blue sky, gasping for air. 

“Fíli!” Kíli is quick to jump between the two ponies and to kneel at his brother's side. He pushes both his pony and Bifur's further away so they don't accidentally step on the downed dwarf as Oin rides up to join them.

“Fíli?” He asks looking over the blond for any signs of blood or broken bones. It wouldn't be the first time either of them fell from a pony and broke something. Well Kíli fell because he was screwing around and he couldn't remember Fíli ever falling off a pony but still this wasn't the first time the heirs of Durin were suddenly reacquainted with the ground.

Oin looks over the fallen Prince and comes to the same conclusion as the King already had. Fíli is fine other than having the wind knocked out of him.

“Are you alright, Fíli?” He asks instead of asking if his brother recognizes him at all. 

It takes Fíli a moment to get his bearings back once his breath returns to him, eyelids fluttering before focusing on Kíli again. They're still hazy from the drug, but there is some inkling of recognition in them.

"Master.. My back hurts," he admits in a low whine, reaching out to grab at Kíli's arm so he can pull himself up into a sitting position. He's only a little bruised, but, it isn't exactly the most pleasant feeling.

He pauses when he realizes what he's said and casts his eyes downwards to the ground, withdrawing his hand from the other dwarf.

"I'm sorry for calling you that. I know it's bad. I accept my punishment as you see fit," he murmurs.

“Well you just fell off a pony, so yeah, I bet your back hurts,” Kíli smiles gently and ignores the disapproving looks he knows he's getting. Had he known earlier how Fíli would have reacted to not having a Master he wouldn't have said anything. As it is, he's got enough to deal with without everyone looking down on him all the time.

“No one is going to punish you anymore, Fíli. Not for accidents like that.” There are serious things that are punishable by dwarven standards but even before his brother wasn't exactly a rule breaker. That was Kili's job.

“You can call me Master if you want. We'll work up to using my name whenever you're ready,” he smiles gently but doesn't look into his brother's eyes. 

“Now come on and get up, we still have a long way to go before we get back home,” Kíli mutters quickly before he stands and brushes the dirt off his knees.

Fíli's face lights up like Gandalf's fireworks show, and he launches forward to wrap his arms around Kíli's middle, face buried in his belly. When he's gotten his fill of whatever it was that compelled him to touch the dwarf like this, he draws back with a faint shimmering of tears in his eyes.

"Thank you, Master. I'll.. I'll try really hard to be good, I promise," he whispered, ducking his head shyly to look at the ground, before his eyes flit back up to Kíli's.

"Master, could I.. ride with you? Please?"

He flinches automatically, as if expecting a rebuke or a slap for the audacity of making such a simple request. 

The King stands frozen as Fíli hugs him, warring with himself about the proper way to react. He wants the hug and he wants to hug back because that would be okay right? His brother is hugging him because he's thankful and not out of some warped sense of obligation. It would be okay to hug back.

On the other hand, though there's the guilt and self loathing that tell him he doesn't deserve the contact in the first place. Fíli is only thankful that he's being allowed to refer to Kíli as Master and that would never have happened if the King had been a better brother and lover to his One.

Thankfully, Fíli pulls away before he has to figure out an answer but now he's got a different problem on his hands. Didn't he just get done telling Dwalin that his brother shouldn't be riding with him?

He doesn't have to look up to feel the weight of the company's expecting looks. They wouldn't understand that even before this, when the originally on their way to Erebor, Kíli wasn't sure if he could ride on a pony with his brother. It was that they were too close and with the pony moving the way she did. He really didn't want to embarrass himself.

One look at those blue eyes though and every reason he had for Fíli to ride with anyone else is gone.

“Yeah, you can ride with me for a while,” He says finally, much to Dwalin's amusement, and it takes every fiber of Kíli's being not to glare at the other dwarf.

Fíli is as happy as a hobbit with a cold pint when Dwalin helps settle him on the pony in front of Kíli, and the blond leans back against the other dwarf's chest to steady himself, fingers tangled into the pony's mane. 

He got to ride with Master, and that was exciting. After an hour of riding, though, he's out cold, face turned towards Kíli to bury against his neck, breathing slow and steady. He twitches occasionally from some odd dream or another, but for the most part he's quiet, back still pressed to his brother's chest.

It isn't for much longer after that, when a discussion of stopping for lunch begins to circulate, that the sleeping dwarf does anything worth noting.

"Kíli.. My Kíli," Fíli mumbles against the King's throat, licking at his lips before he's settled back into his deep sleep, a faint snore escaping him. 

When he was woken later, he wouldn't remember the dream.

Kíli's ride is a little less relaxing though it's better than he expected it to be honestly. Except that he can't stop thinking about how easy it would be just to turn his head a little and press a kiss to his brother's lips. Or how easy it would be to wrap an arm around his middle to hold Fíli closer to him. Neither was something he deserved but it was nice to think about and it helped to pass the time.

He stops breathing completely when he hears his name on Fíli's lip and can just barely feel the tip of his tongue against the skin of his throat. The archer tries to think of all the awful things in the world just so he doesn't focus on the last time he heard his brother say his name against his neck. He thinks of Thorin and his gold sickness and Smaug and the battle just to keep their one blessed night together out of his head.

When they do finally stop, the King carefully helps Dwalin get Fíli down off the pony before he climbs off as well. He pats the animal a few times on her neck before he says that he needs to empty his bladder and goes much deeper into the surrounding woods than necessary.

Kíli releases the breath he's sure he's been holding since Fíli said his name and leans back against a tree for support. He looks up to the sky and sends up a silent prayer that Mahal might give him at least a small break and make it harder for him to remember the night he and his brother shared together. He thought he had it bad before on their quest to Erebor but it's so much worse now. While he's basically back to pining silently for Fíli, he has memories of what it's actually like to be with him, but he's the only one that remembers.

After receiving nothing from the skies above him, Kíli gives an exasperated sigh and makes his way back to where the others are already starting lunch.

Fíli's awake and clumsily tucking into a bowl of rabbit stew when Kíli returns, offering him a shy look over the smooth wood. He liked his new Master a lot more than his old Master, more so with every passing moment he wasn't being hit, or bent over something uncomfortable and hurt. The food he was given wasn't as rich and thick as the things he was given back in the Iron Hills, but he liked it a whole lot more. The stew was heady and seasoned nicely, and the rabbit was soft and chewy in his mouth. He hadn't been given much in the way of meat or hearty, filling meals, and his body greedily accepted the much needed protein and calories. 

His new Master was much nicer to look at, too. He had a kind face, and his angular features were softened by the dark hair curling around his cheeks, and the short cropped beard. He vaguely remembers another dwarf, with an even shorter beard, barely a smattering of stubble, hair wild and free of the braids that his new Master wore. But when he tried to hold onto the image it leaves him, and he's left to blink in confusion down at his empty bowl.

"Would you like more?" someone offers, and he looks up to see the kindly Bofur smiling down at him, eyes crinkling in a pleasant way that made Fíli want to smile, too.

"I can have more?" he asked, letting the former miner take the bowl and fill it up with another ladle of hot stew and staring in awe at the idea of a _second_ helping. 

He sees his reflection somewhat in the murky soup and reaches up to touch the mess his hair has become somewhat self consciously. His braids were falling apart and many of the beads he'd once worn were gone. Beads that had marked him as Dain's possession, his property, to be used and cast aside as he saw fit.

With an anguished noise, Fíli set the bowl aside and started to tug on the braids as best as he could to get more of the beads out, throwing them as far away as he can. Fíli didn't belong to Dain anymore. He had a new Master, now. And Master would keep him safe, and take care of him, much better than his old one ever did.

“Hey don't do that, you're going to tear your hair out,” Kíli scolds gently as he moves his brother's hands away from his head. He can understand wanting Dain's beads off his body, he's wanted them out since he first saw them, but that was no reason to yank out clumps of his blond hair in the process. 

He sits beside Fíli, facing him so that he can carefully work the beads out and tossing them in the fire. He also undoes the braids since they're messy and need to be redone anyway. It's something that comes easily to him since he used to help his brother with his braids when they were younger. He never had the patience to deal with putting braids in his own hair before he became King but he could sit forever and help Fíli with his. 

With one side free of beads, he gently runs his fingers through the blond hair to work out knots or dirt that may have found its way in when Fíli had fallen earlier. That done, he looks at his brother before deciding that while it was good to have Dain's bead and braids out, Fíli could never pull off the wild hair look like he himself could. 

Kíli mutters a quick “don't move” before he goes to drag his pack over to where they're sitting. As he resumes his previous position he starts to dig to the bottom of his bag before his fingers find the small wooden box he's looking for. It's nothing special, in fact it's rather plain but he'd carved it that way for a reason.

“I made these and you can wear them instead of those other ones. I'll redo your braids too,” he says showing Fíli the five beads that are in the box. He made all of them for his brother, each on the anniversary of his brother's departure. They were nothing close to what he really wanted to make but no one would question whom the familial beads were for. Everyone would have questioned whom Kíli would have been making unused courting beads for though. 

He worried slightly as he put them into Fíli's hair. He was just assuming that his brother would actually _want_ people to know who they were to each other but what if he didn't when he eventually remembered everything? The King wasn't sure if he could handle watching the blond remove the beads and toss them away like he had Dain's.

There was a small part of him that was happy, and content, to see Fíli wearing his beads even if he did end up throwing them away.

Fíli lights up with delight when Kíli begins weaving his own beads and braids into his hair, ducking his head shyly again at the implications. It meant his Master wanted him, wanted him to stay with him. It was silly, and they were just bits of wood and metal after all, but it gave him a sense of belonging and kinship to his new Master, and it brings a smile to his lips.

When Kíli is done setting the last bead in place, he reaches up to run his fingers over the braids, learning them and the feel of them. He misses the stares the others give him, not knowing that his braids are the same he used to wear every day, making Fíli truly look like Fíli again for a moment. There are the twin braids at his temples that mark him as a Crown Prince of Erebor, and two more below that to mark him as Kíli's brother. But then there's the braid at the back of his head that pulls the hair on the top down. Where had once been the braid marking him as a descendant of Durin was now a braid that none of them recognized. Similar to a courtship braid, and yet not exactly the same, but still warning others away from trying to capture this dwarf, for he already belonged to another.

Fíli did not know the significance of any of these braids. To him, they served the purpose of marking him as Kíli's, and that was all he needed to understand. 

When he's finished exploring his new ornaments, Fíli leans forward to wrap his arms around Kíli's waist, curling up on his lap like an oversized dog seeking affection.

"Thank you, Master.. I'll cherish them forever," he whispered, more than happy to stay right where he was. 

For the second time today, Kíli had no idea what to do except now Fíli was in his lap and he could actually see at least Bifur and Bofur looking at him expectantly. He sighed inwardly and let himself tentatively hug the blond back. There was still a war going on inside him, and there was a small part of him that continued to worry Fíli might go after his laces again.

“You're welcome. I'm glad you like them so much,” he says gently and ignores the fond smiles he gets from the cousins. They probably saw the pair getting back to how they were before, but Kíli was far from being that comfortable with his brother again.

He let a few moments pass, letting Fíli get his fill of the affection that Oin said he would seek out, but after what he deemed to be long enough, he gently cleared his throat and guided his brother back up until he was sitting again.

“Finish your lunch, we have to get back on the road soon.” Kíli smiles at Fíli before he goes to stand and help pack up the rest of their meal. Sure, he was a King and Thorin never really helped to pack up anything on the road to Erebor but Kíli wasn't brought up as royalty. Besides he didn't mind helping out a bit.

Fíli's the most content Dwalin thinks he's ever seen him as the blond settles back to eat the rest of his stew, legs folded neatly in front of him and a hint of a smile on his lips. When Kíli goes by, he reaches out to squeeze his shoulder, expressing as best as he knew how that he was proud of what the young King had done. He understood that Kíli was struggling with his own demons, but he knew he had to be there for Fíli. It was the least he, or any of them, could do after all he'd been through.

After lunch, it was decided that Kíli's pony needed a rest, and so Fíli was settled in front of Bofur on his pony this time, leaning back against the dwarf's chest and watching the world go by with interest. He'd been locked away in the mountain for so long that he'd nearly forgotten how colorful the outside was, and how good clean air smelled and felt against his skin. 

When he starts to doze despite his excitement, thanks to the warm stew settled in his belly, the older dwarf chuckles and wraps a steady arm around his middle to keep him from falling off. And if he happens to hear Kíli's name mumbled a few times in Fíli's sleep he says nothing about it when they stop to make camp for the night.

As soon as his pony is unsaddled and grazing in a small clearing with the others, Kíli is quick to announce that he's going hunting and doesn't even wait for anyone to process that before he's gone off into the woods. He had far too much time to think while they rode and he doesn't want to think anymore and hunting has always been a great way to take his mind off of things.

Besides he hasn't really been able to hunt during the past five years and he's missed it. He'd been too preoccupied with getting to the Iron Hills before to really be able to focus on tracking but now that his brother was safe with them, he thought it was a good time to indulge a little before they got back to Erebor. It would be all business for him when they got home.

He didn't allow himself to think about what Fíli would be doing once they got back to the lonely mountain as he moved as quietly as a mouse through the woods. The day by day was proving to be hard enough to deal with without the added stress of whatever horrible scenarios his mind could come up with.

When he returns to camp all he has to show for his time away is two rabbits and a slightly more relaxed demeanor but then he wasn't gone for very long. Being a King did have its perks but one of the downsides was people were more quick to come looking for you if they deemed that you were gone too long. Maybe that was just because Kíli used to be gone for days, or even ten of them once, when he'd go hunting. 

Fíli was comfortably settled into a nest of blankets when Kíli came back from hunting, his face lighting up with excitement at the sight of the rabbits. Maybe that meant more stew for dinner.

He was slowly growing more comfortable with the group, and while Bofur stood over the simmering pot watching dinner he ended up sliding his way into Dwalin's lap, sitting back against the older dwarf's chest with the blankets tucked around him, fiddling absently with one of his new braids.

Fíli couldn't really explain why he felt so content in Dwalin's presence. He supposed there was just an air about him that put him at ease and reminded him of a sort of father figure type, one he could trust to keep him safe, like Master.

To his credit, Dwalin no longer seemed phased by Fíli's overly affectionate nature, and so he slid his fingers through his blond hair, petting him gently until dinner was ready. It doesn't last that long, though, as Fíli is up and walking on unsteady feet to meet Kíli when the King returns from his hunting trip, wrapping his arms around his waist and nuzzling his face into his neck.

Kíli freezes for the third time today but finds it a little easier to give Fíli the affection he seeks. He wraps the hand that isn't holding the rabbits around his brother's back and gives a gentle squeeze before pulling back a bit. He ignores the feeling of Fíli against his neck, this is about giving the other dwarf what he needs to get better after all and not about himself. 

“I haven't been gone that long,” the King says with a smile. He gently guides his brother back to Dwalin before he goes over to Bofur and hands off one of the rabbits for him to skin and clean. It's an easy and quick process for him since he's been cleaning his own kills since he was allowed to go hunting. He even trades his rabbit for Bofur's once he's done so that the mustached dwarf can start cooking it.

The whole time he ignores his brother and the other on the other side of the fire. It's pretty easy since he actually has to pay attention to what he's doing or he might end up hurting himself. He thinks he can rationalize Fíli sitting with Dwalin since the older dwarf was like a second Uncle to them. He may not remember outright, but the blond still remembers Kíli's name so perhaps somewhere he remembers Dwalin training them or watching them when Thorin couldn't.

He does mind Fíli sitting with anyone else though, even though he had no right to feel jealous. He just focuses on his work instead of his company.

“Food's ready!” Bofur announces and takes the other rabbit from Kíli, who quickly rinses his hands before he's handed two bowls. He knows what Bofur is up to but he doesn't let it show, he simply hands a bowl off to Fíli and sits next to Dwalin to enjoy his own stew.

Fíli is content to settle back on Dwalin's lap while Kíli skinned the rabbits, watching with curious eyes as he easily cleans them and guts them for Bofur. The motion felt familiar in a strange way, like he'd done this before himself, and he's pondering this when Kíli is handing him a bowl of stew and a wooden spoon. 

Within seconds he's managed to slither off Dwalin's lap and onto Kíli's, folding his legs neatly between the other dwarf's and digging into his stew with enthusiasm. His height and the sloped way he was sitting leaves his head resting back against Kíli's shoulder and his lower back pressed against the younger dwarf's groin. For Fíli the position is innocent enough and he tucks into his stew with delight, managing to not spill as much on himself as he'd done that morning. He's getting better with the spoon and his fingers are slowly remembering their own strength. It's a nice feeling for the dwarf, who'd been afraid of becoming a burden to the group that had saved him.

He turns to look up at Kíli and smiles excitedly, only to have it fade away at the rather tense look on the other dwarf's face.

"Is something wrong, Master?"

The position isn't so innocent for Kíli although he keeps trying to tell himself that it is. Fíli is between his legs and pressed so close and it's been five years since this has happened. If he's tense it's only because he's trying to think of anything else besides his brother's body, like eating. Which isn't easy with the way Fíli is leaning against him but he manages.

“Nothing's wrong. It's just been a long day is all,” he says easily. It's a half truth but it seems to satisfy the dwarves around him. Dwalin quirks a bushy eyebrow at him but he ignores it. It really has been a long day and if Fíli continues to insist on being so close to him, the rest of the trip back home are going to be equally as long. Even when his brother isn't close he'll just be fighting with himself anyway. 

“It's good to see you're getting better at using a spoon,” Kíli smiles as looks to the smaller mess on the other dwarf's tunic, hoping to change the subject. It's encouraging but also still makes him hate himself a little for letting Fíli be with Dain so long that he forgot how to do something so simple as feeding himself.

Fíli actually _blushes_ when Kíli praises him and looks quickly down at his bowl, stirring the stew inside. His heart was thudding rapidly in his chest, and it was like butterflies had gotten loose in his belly. This was an unfamiliar feeling, certainly not one he'd ever experienced before in the Iron Hills. 

Kíli's smile made him feel all fluttery and happy, though, and he soaked up the memory of it and the praise he'd gotten. Kíli was proud of him. Kíli _praised_ him for doing good.

Fíli wanted to do more things that made Kíli happy, and more importantly made him smile like that some more. He liked the fluttery feeling.

"Thank you, Master," he whispered shyly, wriggling down a bit lower in Kíli's lap to hide his embarrassment from the amused group watching them. More than one dwarf was connecting dots and putting the pieces together that night.

Kíli couldn't help the grin that took up his face at Fíli's blush. He could count on one hand the number of times he's seen his brother blush and none of those times had been as lovely as this. All he wants to do is kiss him breathless and rest their foreheads together. 

That is until his demons make themselves known along with a friendly reminder of where they are. When he sees the amused looks on the groups' faces his automatic response is to hide Fíli away but there really isn't anywhere to do that without going into the woods. Which he can see them wondering about, although Dwalin's smug look is easy enough to imagine.

“You're welcome, Fíli,” Kíli says gently while he glares up at the other dwarves. If he has to fight himself about giving his brother what he needs then they can at least pretend not to notice. The only one that seems to pay attention is Ori while Bofur and Nori's amused smiles grow wider.

If this was their original journey to Erebor he might have put something squishy in their boots while they slept. He's a King now though so all he can do is glare.

The night slowly winds down as Bifur brings the bowls to wash out in the nearby stream and the rest begin to pack things down and roll out their bedrolls by the fire. All wait patiently for Fíli, changed into a fresh tunic and trousers with assistance from Oin, to decide where he plans to sleep that night, and none are really surprised when it's Kíli's bed he chooses to share.

Mostly they're just amused that the blond dwarf continues to refuse to allow anyone to put so much as a sock on his bare feet despite the chill, having protested vehemently that morning about getting boots, to the point where he actually dove into Kíli's bedroll like it was a shield and refused to come back out no matter how nicely Oin asked.

No one really understood why the young dwarf was so opposed to anything on his feet, but, for now Oin just sighed and let it go, pulling Kíli aside for a quick talk before bed.

"You've had a day to observe Fíli and his behavior. What sort of conclusions have you drawn from watching him?" Oin asked quietly, watching Kíli's bedroll squirm with the blond's attempts to get comfortable while he waited for Kíli to join him. 

Kíli looks between Oin and his bedroll, fighting the mix of dread and excitement mixing in his gut. They haven't shared a bed in a very long time and the last thing he wants to do is embarrass Fíli or make him think that something is expected of him. He also doesn't want to embarrass himself or give the others any reason to suspect anything besides a brotherly relationship between them.

It might be better to have Fíli sleep elsewhere tomorrow night, he just has to figure out a reason that won't have Dwalin glaring daggers at him.

He suddenly remembers that Oin asked him a question and thinks for a moment about the day's events, about how Fíli is barely able to feed himself or walk. The way he seeks affection and praise.

“Just that the drug has done a lot of damage. It's almost like he's a child again, needing to relearn to do even easy tasks like eating,” he replies just as quietly.

Oin nodded in agreement, folding his arms over his chest and exhaling heavily.

"I don't necessarily think his behavior is a result of the drug. I think Fíli did it to himself. Our minds can do incredible things to protect us when needed, and I think that under incredible duress Fíli's mind fractured and created this innocent, childlike Fíli we see now. The real Fíli was buried deep under it, hidden and shielded from the abuse Dain wrought upon him. Not to say that if... when Fíli ever comes out of this he won't remember what Dain did to him. He undoubtedly will remember it all. But for now, at least, his mind his protecting him, and until he feels safe enough to come out of this shell he's erected, we'll have to work to meet the needs of this... child Fíli. The drug is a whole other beast entirely," he explained, falling quiet when Fíli climbs out of the bed roll and walks clumsily over to them.

He's watching Oin warily, as if expecting him to pull socks out of his pocket, before turning his gaze on Kíli, nervously fidgeting with his tunic.

"Master.. Is it.. Can I please.." he whispered, trailing off into incoherent, awkward mumbles. He still didn't know how to ask Kíli for what he wanted, still afraid that things could change at any moment, and Kíli could grow tired of him and his need for the drug. 

Kíli frowns as Oin talks, he's never heard of something like this happening but he doesn't doubt the healer's wisdom. He knew a mind could break, Thorin had told them some things about how to get information from people after all, but he never thought something like that would happen to Fíli. His brother was always so strong but he guessed that five years at the hands of someone like Dain would easily cause something like that.

It was just something else to add to the reasons why he was an awful brother and didn't deserve anything but scorn from Fíli. If he had kept his promise, his older brother's mind would be perfectly fine and there wouldn't have been a reason to create this other Fíli.

“Can you please what Fíli?” He asks as gently as he can even with how tired he suddenly feels. He only understands what the other dwarf is trying to tell him when he sees Oin pull Fíli's Bliss out of his pocket. He's still a little weary about letting the blond get his drug from him because of the way he reacted this morning but he's praying to every god that will listen that Fíli has learned better.

“Oh, sure but you need to ask for it properly next time, okay?” Kíli sighs inwardly as Oin puts the powder in the King's palm. He is tired of Fíli's dependency on the stuff but he does understand that his brother simply can't stop taking it. He can deal with it until his brother is better at the very least. 

Fíli ducks his head in shame and nods meekly, slowly sinking down onto his knees and looking up at Kíli with watery eyes.

"Yes, Master. I'm.. I'm sorry, Master."

He can sense the exhaustion and sadness radiating off the other dwarf, and so it snorts the powder as quick as he can, desperate to escape the unhappiness that threatened to consume him otherwise. It was his fault Master was upset. He'd been bad.

Master didn't like that he needed the drug, but it was so hard for Fíli to resist it. He needed it to live and breathe, without it he didn't know how to sleep, how to _function_. His former Master had always been so happy when he took the drug, when he worked hard to earn it and be good for him. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't ever seem to make Kíli happy for long. 

And so he embraced the settling calm of the drug and let it wash away all his terrors and anxieties about not being good enough for Kíli, that he would one day tire of Fíli and return him to Dain. There was nothing but the peace, and he slowly settled forward against Kíli, eyes falling shut and the tension bleeding out of him. 

The tears in his brother’s eyes breaks Kíli’s heart but before he can say anything about Fíli not needing to apologize or anything else that might be comforting, the blond is lost in the effects of the drugs. He sighs and wraps his arms around the other to support him and looks to Oin for help. The healer has a sad, sympathetic look on his face but there’s also something there that tells the King that he needs to try harder with his brother.

It’s something that he _knows_ he needs to do and Mahal he’s trying to do everything he needs to do to help Fíli get better. He just can’t help the things he feels and the fact that his brother still seems to pick up on that even if the blond doesn’t know it.

Oin helps Kíli get the other dwarf to his bedroll before the healer goes to his own and settles down for the night. The King is left alone with his thoughts and his short comings as he lays down next to Fíli. He makes sure that both of them are sufficiently covered, especially his brother’s bare feet, before he plops his head against the pillow and stares into the dark sky.

He knows he needs to do better for his brother but at the same time he can’t exorcise his demons over night. He’ll just have to start hiding them better then, smile more when Fíli is doing good and save his wallowing for times like this.

Kíli rolls onto his side to see Fíli sleeping and he can’t help but to smile fondly at the sight, wondering if he at least has good dreams.

“You never have to apologize to me, Fee. It should always be other way around,” he whispers as he tucks a stray piece of blond hair behind his brother’s ear. He’s thankful that he’s out cold along with the rest of the dwarves with him. He watches Fíli’s sleeping form for a while longer before he too drifts off.

When Fíli wakes up, it's long before anyone else in the camp has awoken. Through bleary eyes he can see Bofur sitting by the fire on watch, whittling a piece of wood with his back mostly to him.

To Fíli, it was a sign.

Quiet as a ghost, the former Prince slid from under Kíli's blankets and stood up, pausing to make sure Bofur hadn't noticed him. When no rebuke or exclamation came, he began to creep along the path, away from the distracted toymaker and back towards the Iron Hills that still loomed on the horizon. 

Fíli was sad to leave them, for they had all been very kind to him. But the tired look on Kíli's face kept playing over and over in his mind, and the shadows under his eyes, and the fear and anger on his face the night before when Fíli had tried to earn his reward. Fíli hated and feared Dain, but, at least Dain had _wanted_ Fíli most of the time. Hadn't looked at Fíli like he was exhausted just seeing him there. 

The Iron Hills was where he belonged. Kíli would be happier when he woke up and saw his problem had resolved itself. It'd be an insult for Kíli to return Fíli to the mountains, but, if Fíli returned on his own then it wouldn't be, and Kíli could walk away from the deal without any embarrassment at having made a mistake. 

He could claim Fíli was a disobedient runaway and Fíli would bear the brunt of the punishment, like he deserved to, for making his new Master unhappy.

And with this thought firmly in mind, Fíli began the long walk back to the Iron Hills.

When chaos broke out in the camp as the small company rose to realize none of them had an extra in their bed, he was far enough away that he felt safe enough to lie down on the side of the road and rest, curled up into a ball against the morning chill and wondering if he'd made a terrible mistake.


	5. What If I Want to Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kíli learns something horrible, and Fíli starts to feel like he belongs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Discussions of past torture.

Kíli is the first one to notice his brother's absence when he rolls over and is met with cold bedding instead of a warm body. He's not worried though as he sits up and rubs the sleep from his eyes, Fíli had changed beds the first night after all. It's not until he stands up to stretch that he realizes there isn't a blond head in sight. 

He goes to talk to Bofur since he was on watch, thinking that maybe Fíli just went off to use the nearest tree, but the toy maker hasn't seen the blond either. It's only when Bofur appears worried that Kíli starts to worry too. Maybe Dain had sent some of his agents come and steal his brother away in the middle of the night. He had thought that being two days away from the Iron Hills they would be safe but apparently he had underestimated the other King.

The camp is up pretty quickly after that, everyone packing up as fast as they can. He's lost his brother to Dain once before and he's not about to lose him again. Bofur is busy apologizing as much as he can while he haphazardly throws things into his pack, swearing that he didn't hear anything and didn't fall asleep. Nori rescues his friend saying that if Dain had someone that was as half as good he was, he's not surprised that they didn't hear anything.

Kíli forgives Bofur quickly before they're all up on their ponies and riding hard to try and catch up to whoever has taken his brother.

It doesn't take them long to stumble across the subject of their hunt, hunched around himself in the wet grass and shaking like a leaf in his thin tunic and trousers. Luck was the only reason they found him at all, when Dwalin caught sight of the sun glinting off his golden hair against the dark green of the ground beneath him. 

They climb down from their ponies and fan out around the miserable dwarf, swords drawn in case Fíli was being used as bait for an attack from the shadows. But when none came, a heavy cloud of confusion settled over the group, and a sickening understanding swells in the pit of Dwalin's stomach.

"You weren't kidnapped, were you laddie," he told Fíli bluntly, staring down at the blond dwarf gathered up in the warmth of Bofur's arms. As one, the company turned to look at Fíli, who had the decency to at least look ashamed that he'd upset them. His jaw clenched, though, after a moment, and he pried himself free of the toymaker's grasp and stood on bleeding feet to begin limping towards the Iron Hills again, refusing to look at the other dwarves that began to follow after him.

"Master doesn't want me here. He's tired of me. I make him unhappy, and I need too many things, but he cannot return me to the mountain without insulting my old Master. So I decided to leave for him, and make it easier, so Master can be happy again, and find another slave that is better and more obedient than me," he murmured, flinching away from Bifur when the older dwarf reached towards him. 

Kíli's mouth falls open as a few of the dwarves turn towards him with angry looks. He tries to shrug or something to tell them that he has no idea what Fíli is talking about but decides it's a lost cause. He also doesn't want to waste time while his brother thinks that he's better off in the Iron Hills.

It doesn't take more than a light jog for him to get out in front of Fíli. 

“I'm not tired of you, Fíli, and you don't make me unhappy. Being on the road makes me tired and I'm only unhappy because of the way you were treated in the Iron Hills,” he explains. It's not enough but he can't go into all the details of why he's unhappy without dumping way too much on Fíli right now.

“Finding you gone though, that made me unhappy. Actually it scared me, and everyone else, because I maybe you were taken. I don't want you to go back to Dain and I don't want another slave,” he really, really, didn't want any more slaves. He was having a hard enough time just trying to play the part of Master for his brother, he couldn't imagine doing the same for another or actually owning a person.

“Please stay,” Kíli suggests quietly. 

Fíli had to stop when Kíli got in front of him, swaying slightly on his aching feet. He hadn't walked this far since before his time in the Iron Hills, and his body was vehemently protesting the strain, the cold, and his empty belly. 

Mostly it's the silent plea in Kíli's eyes that gets Fíli to nod and duck his head, staring at the ground between them.

"Yes, Master. I'll stay," he whispers, letting Dwalin pick him up before he falls over. He goes rigid as stone, though, when Oin is lifting his foot and examining the damage he'd done to it on the road, reflexively kicking out and knocking the older dwarf aside.

"No! NO!" 

Fíli is shrieking as Dwalin struggles to keep him still so his injuries can be tended to, his terror only increasing as Bifur and Ori attempt to help the warrior, grabbing at his flailing arms and legs.

"Master, no, please! Master please! I won't run away again! I'll do anything you want just please don't punish me!" he sobbed, twisting his body weakly to try and get away from Oin, who has fastened his grip on Fíli's ankle so he can try and get a good look at the bleeding cuts on the delicate skin caused by rocks and sticks in the road. Fíli continues to fight and scream until finally, Oin thrusts a cloth against his face that reeks of something foul. 

Whatever it is, it makes Fíli go limp in their arms, and Dwalin stares between Oin and Kíli with a breathless look of disbelief.

"What in Mahal's bleeding beard was that all about?"

Whatever it was, none of them had a feeling it was anything good.

Kíli just shakes his head because he has no idea what would cause Fíli to react like that to having his feet touched. Whatever it is though it's easy to guess that it was Dain's fault.

“Let's just get him bandaged up and get back on the road,” he sighs, “he can ride with me.” He adds as an afterthought. He hoped it might show Fíli that he did want him around but mostly he was just being selfish. After fearing that his brother had been taken away again, he really just needed the other close for a while. If he wanted to ride with someone else when he woke up then Kíli would be understanding. He probably didn't do a good job convincing Fíli that he actually did want him around.

Oin finishes wrapping the bandages with a thoughtful hum that makes him worry.

“There are more than just scratches here my King,” Oin states as he moves away to let the others wrap Fíli up in a thick blanket, “there is evidence of old fractures that haven't healed properly.”

“To keep him from running?” Kíli asks, trying not to picture just how one went about breaking another's feet. The old healer shrugs lightly but says that it would be his best guess. The King's shoulder sag with the added weight of this knowledge. It seemed that every day they learned about new horrors that Fíli went through while Kíli had been too busy trying to save a kingdom.

No wonder the blond had such a low opinion of his brother.

The young King mounts his pony first, carefully accepting a bundled up Fíli from Dwalin and Bifur. They ride silently for a while, each trying to process the new bit of information that they discovered. It's after they pass the place they had made camp last night that Nori catches up and rides alongside the brothers.

“My King, I have a different theory about Fíli's injuries, but you aren't going to like it,” The Spy Master says lowly. Although whether it's because he doesn't want to wake the blond or he doesn't want anyone else to hear, Kíli doesn't know.

“I'm not sure how you could make having your feet broken on purpose any worse, Nori.” To his surprise his Spy Master gives him a sad look before explaining his theory. He knows of a device that used to _persuade_ individuals into giving up whatever information they had. It's a pair of iron boots that have screws in specific locations and as the screws are tightened, it breaks the bones in the feet.

“It's a very old device that isn't used much anymore, but if Dain was actually using it he might have been hoping that it would break Fíli's spirit,” He finishes as he studies the young King who has a tight, rather protective, grip on his brother.

“You were right, I don't like it. It's also something I wouldn't put past someone like Dain,” he spits the King's name like a curse. They ride in silence again after that, Kíli hiding his hatred of himself but more openly showing his hatred for the other dwarf.

Fíli doesn't wake up until the sun has started to sink low in the sky and the company has stopped to make camp for the night. It's the smell of cooking meat that wakes him more than any real desire to be conscious, and he can't help but sink back into the warmth surrounding him.

Closer inspection shows him that it's Kíli, his arms wrapped around the blanket swaddled Fíli while he watched Dwalin patiently skinning a deer that Nori had brought down. It wasn't terribly large, and the meat would probably be just enough to get them through supper and breakfast the next morning, but it was quality hide and Dwalin was loathe to waste anything useful on a good kill.

He whimpers a bit when he feels something tight and constrictive on his feet, unable to help the tears slowly filling his eyes again.

"P-Please, Master, I won't run away again. Please don't use the boots on me. I'll be good, I swear. I'll do anything you want me to, please, Master, I can prove I'm a good boy!" he begged in a low sob, making everyone in the camp around them go still.

It's Oin that approaches first, hands up like he was trying to soothe a frightened animal, and moves the blanket off Fíli's feet so the dwarf can properly see them. They're not encased in the ugly metal boots that he remembered, but, rather they're wrapped in unassuming looking strips of cotton.

"You hurt your feet when you were walking, and I had to put medicine on the cuts so they didn't get infected," Oin explained in his usual half yell, softening it a bit with a warm look. Fíli simply stared at him, shoulders still hitching slightly with barely restrained sobs.

"You.. You're not gonna use the boots on me?" he whispered faintly, as if he couldn't believe he wasn't about to be punished for such an act of disobedience.

“No one is going to use the boots on you, Fíli, never again. You didn't deserve that,” Kíli tells him. In truth, Fíli didn't deserve anything that happened to him while he had been in the Iron Hills but he wasn't sure if the second full day away from his old Master was the best time to tell the blond that. Eventually Kíli would tell him and would probably spend that day doing nothing but apologizing but that wasn't today.

“I won't punish you like Dain did and neither will they,” he nods towards the dwarves that are preparing their dinner, the few that are closest giving Fíli warm smiles, “they're your friends and we won't let anyone hurt you like that again.” Never again, that Kíli can swear on.

“You're safe with us, with me. Just please don't run away again okay?” He asks, tightening his hold on his brother just a little before relaxing again. Kíli had only been worried about Fíli being taken but Nori bringing back that deer reminded him that there are other things along their route that wouldn't mind a dwarf for a snack. He quietly thanks Mahal that a few cuts on the bottoms of his feet were the only injuries that the blond had gotten.

“Oin will probably have to change your bandages soon but I'll be here with you.”

Fíli stared up at Kíli with watery eyes before he nodded and buried his face under his chin, enjoying the faint scratch of his short beard against his own still bare cheeks. It was nice, and Fíli all but burrowed against the King while Bofur and Ori finished making their supper of venison, rice, and vegetables, bringing a plate piled with much more than anyone else had and a fork for their young Prince.

After all, Fíli had missed breakfast that morning, and no one doubted that he was ready to eat the entire deer all on his own. 

Fíli refuses to be parted from Kíli throughout all of this, and when he's warm and pleasantly full from dinner he nuzzles back against the younger dwarf with a contented noise, only whimpering once while Oin put fresh medicine and clean bandages on his injured feet. He even almost let himself be talked into wearing socks over the bandages, so they wouldn't get dirty when he stood up. He ultimately turned them away, though, and still adamantly refused to wear boots, and no one had the heart to push him on it anymore, knowing what they did.

But when it came to asking his new Master for the drug again, Fíli stalled, starting to shiver on Kíli's lap at the prospect of having to voice his need. He'd never had to do that before. Dain had always met his needs for the drug when he wasn't being punished, and Fíli feared he'd never be able to ask.

So, he stayed silent, the shivering getting worse as his anxiety ramped higher and higher, his breath quickening and his pupils dilating. Kíli always looked so unhappy when he asked, always frowned in that way that said he was disappointed, that he wished Fíli would stop. And Fíli was terrified of making Kíli unhappy. Just because his new Master was being nice now didn't mean things wouldn't change the first time he got really angry or upset, after all. Dain was proof enough that letting himself settle into false security only meant more pain later when he was betrayed.

Kíli noticed the shivering, it would be hard not to with Fíli in his lap, but attributed it to the cold instead of the need for his drug. He even dragged out his blanket to wrap them both in as the shivering got worse.

It wasn't until he realized that his brother was breathing much faster than he should be, that he thought something other than the weather was wrong with him.

“Fíli what's wrong?” The King whispered to the other dwarf. He didn't want to interrupt the light hearted conversation that the others were trying to maintain. More importantly, he thought that maybe Fíli didn't want to admit what was wrong out loud, so maybe a quiet conversation would be best. His brother seemed to have lost his sense of privacy but that didn't mean that maybe it wasn't coming back to him.

“Fíli?” He asked a little louder when there wasn't a response. When the blond didn't answer him again, he leaned back a bit to look into severely dilated blue eyes.

“Oin!” Kíli called out. The healer was quick to come to their sides, giving Fíli a quick once over before pulling out the pouch and pouring Fíli's Bliss into the King's palm.

Fíli doesn't even pause for a moment after the drug comes into view, grabbing at Kíli's wrist with trembling hands so he can pull it close and inhale the powder in his palm. It's messy and desperate, but ultimately it gives the former Prince what he needs, and Fíli slowly sinks back against Kíli's chest, tears tracking through the smudges of excess powder on his cheeks.

"I'm sorry.. I'm so sorry, Master," he whispered, and his tongue felt much too big for his mouth. He closed his eyes and turned his face towards Kíli's throat, not noticing the way he's making a mess of the other dwarf. All that matters is the calm that's settling over him, now, easing the shivering and twitching muscles, and smoothing out the stress lines between his brows.

With the blond fast asleep, at least, Oin is able to examine him thoroughly from head to toe without resistance or upset, and he looks as grim as ever when he settles down with his pipe across from the King, Fíli bundled up in his arms once more.

"The fractures in Fíli's feet healed very poorly, likely by design. They will pain him for the rest of his life, and make it difficult to run and move as he once did," he said, much softer than his usual booming tone. He takes a steadying drag from his pipe before continuing, fingers flexing as if they itched to hit something.

"I can also feel a couple fractured ribs, as well, that did not get properly set, though this was likely due to negligence rather than actual intent to maim. They have healed, but they'll be sensitive to future injury. The rest of Fíli's bone structure also seems quite weak and brittle, likely from his confinement in the mountain. Without proper diet and exercise, his bones are much more prone to injury, and I doubt he has any real immunity against disease. It looks like he was fed a diet high in fats, which kept him alive, but, deteriorated his muscle mass and his bone structure in the process."

The upside was hopefully, now that Fíli was out of the prison, he could slowly regain his strength through regular, protein heavy meals, and gentle exercise. The downside was, however, no matter how hard Fíli trained, he'd never be the warrior he once was. Not with weak ribs and permanently fractured feet. He could be healthy again, but, he would never be what he once was.

Kíli's hands shook with his anger as Oin spoke, how could anyone be so cruel? He had to take a few deep breaths to calm himself, he didn't want Fíli to wake and think that he was mad at him after all.

“Thank you, Oin,” he says evenly. He was calm on the outside as he stared into the fire, ignoring the dwarves around him as they readied for bed. On the inside though he raged, ready to set the whole of the Iron Hills on fire and watch it burn.

He knows he needs a moment to himself to deal with his anger, so, as gently as he can, he moves Fíli to his laid out bedroll. He makes sure that his brother is properly covered before he takes the sleeve of his tunic and gently cleans away the excess powder and tear tracks. He doesn't know why Fíli couldn't have just asked for what he needed but that is a different matter for a different time.

Kíli presses their foreheads together, mentally promising the blond that he'll only be gone a few minutes before he heads off into the woods. The first thing he does when he's far enough away from the camp is draw his bow and fire two arrows into a distant tree. The thunk they make as they meet the wood is wholly unsatisfying.

He wants to split the tree in half with his arrows, maybe split all the trees in half. Then he was going to go back to Dain and throw him off the damn mountain. Then, after that, he was going to go home and do the same with Thorin for so easily selling Fíli to a piece of orc shit like Dain. He wanted revenge on both of them for the pain they had caused mostly to his brother but to everyone else as well.

The King let out an angry sigh before sliding down the tree and sitting on the ground. He realized that he still deserved something too for not going after Fíli. It was hard to keep his distance when his brother needed him to be so close. He tried to tell himself that it was all for the other dwarf but he knew that after five years of being apart, he enjoyed being close again.

Maybe always carrying this weight on his shoulders would be his punishment, or maybe Fíli never feeling the same way about them again would be it.

Kíli took as deep of a breath as he could be letting it out slowly and standing up. He didn't want any of the company to worry that he'd been injured and he also wanted to be there if Fíli woke up. He made his way back to camp and settled down next to his brother before lighting his pipe and letting his mind wander.

Fíli sleeps through most of the night without disruption this time, curling up against Kíli's side when the dwarf finally slid into his bedroll to rest. When he wakes he's got an arm and a leg tossed across the other's body, and his face is buried under his arm, tucked safely against his chest. He decides that Kíli is the one he enjoys sleeping with best, reaching up to run his fingers through the short scruff of beard on the King's chin. 

His heart is thudding against his ribcage again, and Fíli can't explain the way his face heats up when Kíli makes a noise in his sleep and his lips part. He swallows thickly and leans up over the other dwarf, dangerously close as he studies every single inch of Kíli's face, wanting to memorize it. It's with shaky fingers that he touches his mouth, tracing his lips before edging across his cheekbone.

His Master had such a nice face, especially when he was sleeping. All the lines dug deep between his brows ad at the corners of his mouth softened, and he looked far more peaceful and less sad this way. 

Fíli settled down on top of Kíli with his hands folded across the dwarf's chest and his chin resting on his crossed wrists, watching him sleep. This was a much more enjoyable activity than actually sleeping, he decided.

The extra weight on top of him is what brings Kíli out of his slumber. It takes a couple of blinks for his blurry vision to clear to see the blond that's laying on him. It takes a few more moments for his brain to wake up enough to register just who that blond is, and after that all he can do is smile.

“Well, good morning,” he greets as he stretches his arms above his head. He's not normally so awake or coherent this early in the morning but then he usually doesn't wake up with Fíli's blue eyes looking at him or his brother on top of him either.

“Watching me sleep?” He asks, completely amused as he tucks a few strands of hair that have managed to escape from one of Fíli's braids behind his ear.

Kíli still isn't awake enough to register that he's outside and surrounded by dwarves that might not approve of the way the brothers are laying, until an overly loud cough comes from beside the fire. He lifts his head up the best he can to see Dwalin chuckling to himself with a smug grin that Kíli suddenly wants to wipe off his stupid face.

He looks back to Fíli and blushes a little before clearing his throat and sitting them both up. He sits the other dwarf next to him and is quick to wrap him up in their blankets before they can lose their warmth.

“Just stay here and I'll get our breakfasts, okay?” The King asks before he goes to help warm their food up from last night, just barely controlling the urge to smack Dwalin on the back of his bald head with Bofur's ladle.

Fíli watches him go before he ducks his head to rub at the redness he can feel creeping into his cheeks. The fluttery feeling is back in his stomach, and he can't help but want to squirm with happiness under the blankets. 

Master was happy this morning, and that meant he was happy, too. Master had liked it when he touched him and lay against him, so Fíli would do that all the time, now. At least if it meant him smiling more at Fíli, and touching his hair. 

The former Prince reaches up to brush his fingers over the beads braided into his hair that marked him as Kíli's, another thrill of delight quivering in his chest. He'd never gotten such joy out of making Dain happy, though perhaps the difference was that now, he made Kíli happy for the simple enjoyment of seeing Kíli happy, rather than to avoid punishment or receive his drug.

He's distracted from these thoughts by the appearance of food, sitting up so he can take the bowl from Kíli. He'd been getting better with the spoon since his first messy experience, and he can't help but grin around a mouthful of venison when he doesn't spill even a little bit on his tunic, eyes shining with adoration.

Kíli watches Fíli eat, a proud smile on his face. He remembered what Oin told him last night about his brother not being able to be the warrior that he had always trained to be, but the blond was getting better. Each day that they spent further away from the Iron Hills the better Fíli did, and his clean tunic was proof of that.

The King still felt the weight on his shoulders, but he had decided to bury everything deep while he was around. He could do that for his brother if it helped him with his recovery. Everything else he could deal with when he was alone. He learned how to do the same thing with Thorin while he was being trained as his heir and put to use after he took the throne.

“Oin will probably have to look at your bandages again, Fíli, but you did really good yesterday. I'll sit with you while he does it, if you want.” He raises an eyebrow at his older brother. He didn't blame him for not wanting his feet touched, or needing someone else there with him.

“And you'll have to pick someone else to ride with today since you rode with me all yesterday. My pony isn't used to carrying two dwarves for so long,” Kíli says regretfully. He had sort of grown used to having Fíli leaning against him as he rode but his pony really did need a break. She had been dragging her hooves when they finally stopped for the night.

Fíli looked unhappy with both of these developments, though he understood that both were necessary. But that didn't mean he had to like it very much.

Not feeling very hungry anymore, Fíli set his half eaten bowl aside and curled up on the ground with his head on Kíli's lap, whining miserably but not running away at the very least, as much as he so desperately wanted to. He could climb on one of the ponies, and they'd be hard pressed to get him back down. 

Before he can formulate this plan, however, Oin has come over with fresh bandages and healing cream to check his wounds, and Fíli manages to avoid kicking at him. He isn't exactly cooperative, either, and he buries his face in Kíli's belly with his arms wrapped tight around his middle the entire time, feet jerking at every touch of Oin's fingers.

By the time Oin has finished, Fíli has crawled his way fully onto Kíli's lap, fisting handfuls of the King's tunic and face pressed hard into his shoulder. His feet are bandaged, though, and without further injury to himself or anyone else.  
Kíli rubs a gentle hand up and down Fíli's back, trying to get him to relax again. He knew that his brother wouldn't like what he had to say but he didn't think that he would be so miserable.

“I'm sorry, Fíli, I know you don't like that. I think you'd like having infected cuts a lot less though.” He sighs and leans his head against the other dwarf's. He wished that they could at least ride on the same pony to make up for Oin having to touch his feet so much. If only he hadn't been so selfish in his need to be close to his brother yesterday.

“If I ride next to you would that be better? Then tomorrow morning you can ride with me again,” He asks desperately trying to think of something to make the situation better. He wanted Fíli to be happy but he couldn't give his brother what he really wanted, not without harming his pony. He was still a little worried that his brother might try to leave again too. 

The young King looks around trying to get some kind of help from the others but they're all too busy packing up the camp to notice.

“That's the best I can do, Fíli. I'm sorry.”

Fíli nods and tucks his head under Kíli's chin, fingers plucking absently at the front of his tunic. He turns to look at the rest of the dwarves breaking the campsite down and purses his lips, trying to choose who he wants to ride with.

"Can it be Master Dwalin?" he asks in a soft whine, looking imploringly up at the other dwarf. While Dwalin wasn't as nice as being with Kíli, as he didn't get the belly flutters, or the happy clenching in his chest at being close to him. But he was nice, and he made Fíli feel safe and comfortable, for whatever unexplainable reason. Maybe it was just because he was so big. 

He looked back down again and fiddled shyly with the ties on Kíli's tunic, unable to help the heat in his cheeks once more at the fondness on the brown hair dwarf's face when their eyes had met. 

“Sure. Dwalin won't mind,” Kíli nods, unable to help his smile at his brother's blush. He understood why Fíli would pick Dwalin even if he didn't. The older warrior had always been like another Uncle to them, even before they knew that he was Thorin's One.

He continued rubbing the blond's back until he absolutely had to pack up and had to move him off his lap. Being on the road as much as he has in his life has made him a quick packer though and once that's done he helps Fíli up onto Dwalin's pony. He only had to leave his brother's side for a moment to get on his own pony.

The King stayed next to the pair as they rode, trying to watch Fíli but not too much that Dwalin would notice. It didn't work. The next time he looked over, the warrior gave him a look of approval that might have also been a little smug. Kíli did his best to pretend that he hadn't noticed. He wasn't riding next to him for the gruff dwarf's approval after all. He was only here because his brother needed him here.

Fíli leans back against the large warrior's chest as they ride, letting himself be engulfed on both sides by his arms and the soft fur of his coat. It wasn't as nice as riding with Kíli, but it wasn't unenjoyable, and the sturdiness of the muscle in Dwalin's body helped him relax. 

Few orcs dared to traverse the strip of land between the Iron Hills and Erebor, as it was heavily watched by the two dwarven Kingdoms, and so none of them really feared any sort of attack. It didn't help to be aware, though, and so Dwalin and Kíli's ponies were kept safely in the middle of the pack, while Bifur, Oin, Ori, and Bofur circled around them to keep watch at the trail and forests nearby.

The blond was definitely more carefree than the rest of them though, taking keen interest in the few birds in the sky and the buzz of insects in the trees. After being confined to the mountains for so long, being outside was exciting for him, and he didn't even feel the need for the drug until they were talking about stopping for lunch. Normally they'd just eat while they traveled and not stop until supper, but Fíli desperately needed the calories and the regular meals, and Oin insisted it was necessary for his recovery. 

Kíli suddenly understands why Thorin was always pushing them to get as far as they could in one day when they had been on their original journey to Erebor. All he wanted to do was get home, and after Fíli ran away he couldn't convince himself that he wouldn't try to leave again. He felt like if they were back in the mountain the blond would stay for sure. Not that he was in a hurry to get back to his duties as King.

If stopping a lot though was what was best for Fíli, then he wasn't going to complain. He did want the other dwarf to get better.

He helped his brother off Dwalin's pony before having to go off with Bifur to try and catch some meat for their lunch. They didn't want to go too far into the woods or take too long since it was just supposed to be a quick stop for lunch. Their haul was smaller than the deer Nori had gotten, only a few fat squirrels and a rabbit. They decided that it would have to do since they couldn't spend the time to find a deer or maybe even a boar. Boar did sound very good to both of them, though.

They got back to the camp and Bofur confiscated the squirrels from Kíli so that he could sit and wait with Fíli.

The former Prince was quite enthused by the bowl of squirrel and rabbit meat that he was given, recognizing the smell from what he'd been served as his first real meal since coming to the Iron Hills. Rabbit was definitely his favorite, he decided, filling his mouth with the lightly seasoned meat and chewing with enthusiasm.

He couldn't ever remember being so constantly full and fed. He'd always had to earn his meals before, but, now they just gave it to him. Like it was just a basic right that he get a warm meal three times a day, and not a privilege.

Fíli didn't notice the tears sliding down his cheeks until one splashed onto the spoon he was holding up. From beside him, Ori looked alarmed to see the younger dwarf crying, and stared helplessly at the King behind them.

"What's wrong, Fíli? Is it too hot?" the young scribe asked desperately, reaching out awkwardly to pet through the dwarf's golden hair. He's surprised, though, when Fíli smiles and shakes his head, taking another bite despite his tears.

"No. It's really good. I like it very much," he whispered in reply, scrubbing the back of his hand across his eyes. Why were they all so good to him? He hadn't done anything to deserve it, and yet they continued to be so kind, and so warm. Fíli never wanted to leave them, or Kíli. Not ever.

“I'm sure Bofur will be glad to hear that,” Kíli smiles and places a gentle hand against his brother's back before he takes another bite of stew. He doesn't think its tear jerking good but it is pretty delicious, he'd much rather have the venison they had last night and this morning. Fíli had always liked rabbit, however, and it was good to see that there were some things that hadn't changed.

“It's good that you like it so much because we'll probably have rabbit pretty often until we get to Erebor. At least when we can't find something bigger that will feed us longer,” he muses, remembering how sick he had gotten of rabbit before but then had wished desperately for the little creature when they had been starving in the Mirkwood.

“You can still have it when we get to the mountain though. You just have to ask Bombur, I'll introduce you to him,” Kíli says and it sounds a little funny to his own ears. They've known Bombur for a long time, so to actually have to reintroduce the pair is a weird concept. Although considering Fíli still doesn't recognize him as his own brother, he really shouldn't be so surprised.

“You'll like Bombur. He's Bofur's brother and Bofur swears to Mahal and back that he taught Bombur everything he knows about cooking. Although if you ask me Bombur is a much better cook,” he whispers the last part.

Fíli leans in close with wide eyes, like Kíli's about to tell him a great secret. But when the word "brother" passes the King's lips, his pupils blow wide and he recoils from the other dwarf like he's been physically struck.

Stew splashes across his legs as he knocks the bowl aside, the breath escaping him in an angry rush.

"Brother. _Brother._ "

His voice came out a cold snarl, nothing like the soft baritone he'd spoken with since they rescued him. Teeth flashed like fangs and Fíli launched himself at Kíli, tackling him into the dirt even as Ori yelled for help. 

"My brother abandoned me to be used like a _whore_. He swore he'd come for me and he never did. I wasted away in that nightmarish prison for years, and still he never came. Brothers are liars and deceivers, they are the worst kind of evil that can be inflicted on a person!"

He raises a hand to strike Kíli, but finds it caught in Dwalin's strong grip, hauled back until the other dwarf could free himself from beneath the blond.

"My King, are you alright?" Dwalin demanded from over the struggling Fíli's head. Kíli wouldn't get a chance to answer. 

Fíli goes deathly still, staring at the younger Durin as if all the air had been sucked from his body. His eyes are bugging out of his head, and his mouth is ajar, staring, and staring.

"You have become King?" he asked in a deadly whisper, the words dripping with disbelief. It was the ultimate betrayal. 

"You left me to rot in Dain's clutches so you could take my place as Thorin's heir. You stole my birthright, the one thing I had trained my entire life for! You stole it! You stole my future, you let Thorin sell me to be Dain's whore, and you took _everything_ from me!"

Fíli's voice has pitched into a scream of rage and he's dragging deep, red furrows on Dwalin's forearms, gnashing his teeth with the desire to bury them in Kíli's throat. He manages to claw his way free of the warrior and falls to his knees in front of the sprawling King, his eyes flashing with rage and betrayal.

"You sat nice and cozy in my throne while Dain raped me night and day. Took my body and tortured it, molded it to suit his needs. Did you even miss me, Kíli? Did you ever dream of me while Dain chained me to his bed and violated me? Made me bleed until I cried out for you to come and take me home? Until I wanted to _die_ just to be free of it all?" 

This seems to strike home far more than any physical blow, and the rest of the company takes a step away, anger and distress visible on all their faces. 

Fíli seemed to sink into a simmering rage, stalking towards Kíli like a predator hunts its prey.

"Did I not tell you I was untouched before I was sold away? That I was saving myself for my One, for _you?_ And then my first time in another's bed, Dain raped me so violently that I almost died from the infection inside me. And it's all your fault, Kíli. You and Thorin. My own family. You let it happen. You let him kill me!"

If Fíli has more to say, it's cut off by Dwalin landing a blow to the back of the dwarf's head. He collapses forward into the dirt and lays still, out cold. 

None of them can bear to look at Kíli's face.


	6. What If I Forget

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kíli has an important talk with Oin, and Fíli has a surprising talk with Bifur.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there's some more made up middle earth psychology talk here. Loosely based on the idea of multiple personality disorder/dissociative identity disorder.

Kíli sits frozen where Fíli had originally tackled him, tears running down his face and his body visibly shaking. In all his worst day dreams he never thought that when Fíli remembered everything did he think that the blond would actually want to hit him, much less look like he was only a second away from strangling him with his bare hands. Never in his life has he been so afraid of his older brother. 

When he can finally stand, it's on wobbly knees and still no one can look at him. He doesn't even notice it, he's too busy staring at Fíli to register anything else. He wants to say all the things that he couldn't while his brother had been lucid.

None of what he was going to say mattered and everything just sounded like an excuse in his head. He swallowed hard, only noticing now that there were still tears streaming down his face. When he looked up he met Bofur's hazel eyes, so full of sadness and pity that Kíli couldn't deal with it. All of his demons and a few more had just come screaming at him from his own brother's mouth.

Without a word he simply turns on his heel and heads into the forest. He doesn't know where he's going, he just wants as far away from the group of dwarves as possible. He just walks with Fíli's words echoing in his head until he trips on an unearthed root and falls forward, his hands landing in an icy stream. He's slow to react, leaning back on his feet and pulling freezing fingers out of the water before tucking them under his arms.

He pulls his knees up so that he can rest his forehead against them as he sits and sobs quietly next to the stream. His brother, his One _hated_ him and hated him with a passion that he never showed before when they talked about Thorin. Fíli hated him more than he hated Thorin.

There was no hope anymore of even being friends again and Kíli couldn't feel anything after that. Not the breeze at his back or the coolness setting in as the sun sunk below the horizon. He was just empty.

It wasn't the regular Kíli that eventually returned to the place where the others had set up camp, it was King Kíli of Erebor with his squared shoulders and royal bearing. He was everything that Thorin had ever taught him to be and nothing else.

“Fíli won't be riding with me any longer, and if he needs his drug he will get it from Oin. When we get back to the mountain I'll find someone else for him to stay with.” He says, his tone serious and being more on the side of an order than anything else. He will not deal with anyone trying to guilt him into being the blond's caregiver anymore and he gives Dwalin a look that says just that.

The King leaves them to their fire as he grabs his pack and separates himself from the group, lighting a pipe as he sits at the edge of the darkness.

When Fíli wakes up, it's with a horrible ache in his head and chest, his eyes scrunched shut against the too bright light of the fire. He feels a cautious hand on his shoulder and looks up to see Dwalin, who seems almost wary of what he'd do next.

"I don't feel very good," he admits in a whimper, sitting up and rubbing at his throbbing forehead with an unhappy noise. His belly grumbles in protest at missing dinner, and overall Fíli is just plain miserable. This is compounded by the fact that Kíli seems to be nowhere in sight, and the blond dwarf looks plaintively up at Dwalin, silently begging him to get the King.

When he's met with a tired sigh and a shake of his head, tears start to fill his blue eyes, He's hungry, he's cold, and he hurts, and now he wasn't being allowed to see Master. 

"Did I do something wrong? I didn't mean to be bad, please, I want to be with Master," he begged, reaching out to grab at Dwalin's trousers and tugging desperately. Dwalin, to his credit, keeps most of the confusion off his face, but can't help the question on everyone's mind right now.

"Fíli, don't you remember what happened? Anything at all?" he asked quietly, getting a blank, unhappy look in return. 

"I remember eating rabbit stew, and then waking up right here. Please let me see Master. Please, I'll be a good boy, I just want to see him!"

Dwalin looked over his shoulder at the faint glow where Kíli sat smoking his pipe and no doubt hearing all of this, before sighing once more. This was not an ideal situation.

"I'm sorry, Fíli, but not tonight."

Fíli's miserable wails kept them all awake until the early hours of the morning, when the exhausted dwarf finally fell asleep, hunched in a shivering ball by the fire as far away from the rest of them as possible. 

Kíli does hear everything from where he sits but he doesn’t know what to think about any of it. He doesn’t know if it makes the situation better or worse that Fíli doesn’t remember trying to kill him. The King remembers though and the other dwarves he’s traveling with heard every hateful word that had been said.

_It’s all your fault, Kíli._

_You let it happen._

_You took everything from me!_

_Did you even miss me, Kíli?_

He lets the words run over him and sink into his bones. They don’t make him want to get up and run like they had earlier. Instead he just accepts them because Fíli was right on all accounts except for the last one. He had missed his brother, every day the blond was constantly on his mind as he did as Thorin bade him while he waited for the perfect time to overthrow the King. He made a bead every year on the anniversary of Fíli’s leaving, hoping against hope as they started to multiply that he’d be able to give them to his brother.

None of that mattered anymore, especially not to the Fíli that remembered. He highly doubted that the version of his brother that remembered would hardly be comforted by the idea that Kíli had missed him daily. Not with the horrors that he had went through at the hands of Dain.

When the wailing starts he can already hear the talk Dwalin was going to give him, trying to get Kíli to be Fíli’s Master again. He’s already lived through that scenario once, although just being told that he had betrayed and abandoned his brother was nothing compared to what he said earlier. He couldn’t let the blond get close to him and get his hopes up again. Not when there was a burning hatred for him buried just underneath the haze of his drug. He would find a way for Fíli to accept someone else in their company as his Master, it wouldn’t make Dwalin or the rest of the group happy but he couldn’t find it in himself to care.

Kíli does eventually find sleep after Fíli does but it’s only for a short amount of time. He’s plagued by a nightmare of his brother, broken and bleeding on the floor, calling his name. When he finally reaches him, Fíli suddenly flips them and has one of his swords pressed tight to his little brother’s neck when he pins him to the ground.

That’s when he wakes up with a gasp, heart pounding nearly out of his chest and sweat rolling off his forehead. The dream was so real that he has to run a hand over his throat to make sure he’s not actually bleeding. When he scans over the company he sees that they’re all still sleeping, save Oin, but he knows that he won’t be able to sleep again. He’s also unsure that he actually wants to.

So, he quietly takes everything he needs to clean his weapons of his pack, needing something to occupy both his mind and his hands until everyone else joins him in the land of the waking. 

Oin is on watch when he sees Kíli sitting up to clean his weapons, seated by the fire as close to the elder Durin as he'd let him get last night, to make sure he didn't hurt himself or try to run away again in his sleep. When the King is awake, though, he sidles over to where he is and settles down on a stone beside him, arms folded across his chest.

"You had to expect that Fíli would not be so willing to forgive any of us for leaving him to Dain for so long, my King," he starts off bluntly, trying to speak low so the rest of the dwarves remained asleep, especially Fíli, "but I have to admit, his reaction yesterday was surprisingly strong. Even under the worst state of duress, I wouldn't believe the Prince capable of harming you."

He pauses, choosing his words carefully so that Kíli would understand what he was trying to say.

"Remember before, when I told you that Fíli's personality had fractured in order to protect itself? I don't think that it fractured into two halves, the real Fíli and the childlike Fíli, but, rather, two extremes. We see Fíli as he is most of the time; childlike, innocent, a defense mechanism to try and stave Dain off from causing him harm, by being as obedient and eager to please as possible. He doesn't remember a time before the Iron Hills because his personality stems entirely out of pleasing his Master. But then there is also this other Fíli, born of our real Fíli's anger, hurt, and betrayal. Where one Fíli cries and begs, this other Fíli screams and threatens. Both are triggered by different things. For example, the Fíli we've seen most of these past few days gets upset and scared when he fears that he has disappointed or angered you. Two opposing extremes, and I think the real Fíli falls somewhere in between, lost in the middle of these other two crowding him out and protected by them."

Another pause, to allow the young King to digest his observations, before he plows ahead so Kíli can't interrupt him.

"The fact that the childlike Fíli is the one we see most often shows that it's much stronger than the other, that the angry personality is weakening, and fading. I think that when he finally feels wholly safe and trusts someone to protect him, and we get him weaned off the drugs, that it's possible for our Prince Fíli to overcome it as well. It might take weeks or even months for that to happen, but, I think it can be done, and I think you can get your brother back. Your real brother back. He may also be angry, and hurt, that we left him there so long. But he won't be so likely to fall back on violence, and more willing to listen to reason, like the Prince always has."

Oin leans forward to peer at Kíli with raised brows, hoping that the brown haired dwarf was getting the healer's point. If Kíli turned his back on Fíli now, and abandoned him to be cared for by the others, then it would undo any progress they had made since leaving the Iron Hills, and maybe even set him further back than he already was. As hard as it was going to be for Kíli, and for all of them, they all owed it to Fíli to at least try their best.

Kíli sighed and shook his head as he put his hunting knife back in its sheathe. He didn't doubt that his brother would be angry, he never doubted that, but he did doubt that Fíli would be mad at all of them. It wasn't like the whole company made a promise five years ago to make sure that he'd never become some pet of Dain's. It wasn't the whole company that he hoped would come save him and didn't. Even if yesterday's lucidity was only an extreme, Fíli only blamed his brother for the things that had happened. He hadn't even been aware of the other dwarves that had been around them.

The King can't help but feel that when his real brother does come back to him, it'll be much of the same thing as yesterday. Fíli may not hit him them but he would confirm that he wanted nothing to do with his younger brother and leave. Being separated again, but this time by Fíli's choice, would be far worse than any physical strike could be.

“So as long as we don't trigger him, he won't want to kill me and still needs me to be his Master,” he says unable to keep the bitter tone out of his voice. After everything yesterday he was expected to just forget his brother screaming that he was the worst thing that had ever happened to him, to being compared to Thorin and Dain. All so Fíli could get better again and then yesterday could be repeated but this time the blond wouldn't just forget with a good smack to his head.

Sounded like a _great_ idea to him.

“Why does it have to be me? He likes Dwalin too and is less likely to be angry with him when he's better. Why can't Dwalin become his new Master?” He sighs, completely exhausted by the whole situation.

Oin looks at Kíli as if he's grown two heads, eyebrows knitting. Finally, he shakes his head and stands, holding his ear horn aloft in his hand.

"Because Dwalin is not his brother, nor his One. You are," he said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, before moving away to start rousing the rest of the company so they could eat and pack up. They would reach the plains between Erebor and the Iron Hills by tonight if they didn't stop long for lunch, and be to Erebor itself in two days time. 

The intention is to let Fíli rest, but the sound of boots and rustling pots around him drags him from his unsatisfying slumber. He sits up and looks around with dark smudges under his eyes and his hair mussed and sticking up, before his gaze alights on Kíli. 

He makes as if to move towards him, before he remembers what Dwalin had said the night before and stops. Fresh tears fill swollen, bloodshot eyes, and he looks down at the dirt, reaching up to touch his braids, which are messy and falling apart from sleeping on the ground. Two of the beads fall out in his hand, and he looks down at them before making a miserable noise and hugging them close to his chest, drawing his knees up under his chin.

Fíli turns away from the bowl of rabbit when it's offered to him, and refuses the drug when Oin pulls the bag from his pocket. His head is pounding from missing his hit last night, and it only gets worse with every passing moment. When the healer attempts to check the wounds on his feet, he screams and kicks out at him until he backs off, leaving the blond to sit by himself.

None of it matters, none of _them_ matter. Master hated him, and so Fíli hated himself, because he was bad. He'd tried so hard to be good, but he'd been bad, and now Master didn't want him anymore, even after he promised. Fíli wishes some animal on the road back to his old Master had just eaten him, and then everyone would be happy.

Kíli watches everything from where he sits on the edge of their camp, never taking his eyes off of Fíli. All of his determination to stay away from his brother slowly crumbling. It's knocked out completely when he sees how he holds the beads against his chest. He remembers doing the same exact thing when Thorin had demanded that he remove the braids that Fíli had given him the night before he left. The old King had only seen the two that had represented their bond as brothers but Kíli still had to take out their secret one later so that Thorin wouldn't accidentally see it.

The youngest Durin lied when asked by the King if he had gotten rid of the beads. In truth, they still remained hidden underneath the false bottom of one of his desk drawers. He had hugged him to his chest, silently promising himself that one day Fíli would braid them back in his hair again, before he had hidden them away for five years.

He's brought out of his memories by his brother's screams. He knows he needs to get over there, even without the others looks telling him so, but he doesn't know where to start with Fíli. He packs up his things as he tries to think of something to tell his brother to explain the way he acted last night.

Eventually his bag is packed and he still has nothing but he makes his way to the blond anyway. He sits down near him and picks up a bowl of stew that had been left for Fíli.

“I thought you said you really like the rabbit?” He asks gently.

Fíli flinches when Kíli speaks to him, looking up from the ground with eyes that are still over bright with unspilled tears, dirt smudged over his damp cheeks. He looks back down again just as quickly, hugging his knees tighter to his chest.

"I'm not hungry. I'm sorry for being a bother and in the way," he whispered, attempting to scoot around so his back is to Kíli and not managing to do more than get his feet and trousers even filthier. He's in desperate need of clean clothes and a wash, but right now he just wants to be left alone like he deserves. He was bad and bad slaves didn't deserve attention from their Masters. 

His stomach growls loudly as if to purposefully get him into trouble, and Fíli immediately sinks down to become as small as possible, staring to shiver.

Now he was caught _lying_ to Master. If he hadn't been punished before, he certainly would be now. The time Dain had sniffed out a lie, Fíli had been locked into a cage barely larger than himself for a week, forced to lie in his own filth and given only enough water to survive the week. It hadn't been a lesson that needed repeating.

“Oh, well you don't have to eat if you don't want to.” Kíli murmurs as he sets the bowl aside. He didn't know what he was expecting by bringing the food up but he hadn't thought Fíli would turn away from him. He also hadn't expected that one act to hurt so much.

“You aren't a bother or in the way, Fíli. No one here thinks that or is mad at or hates you. Not even me,” He says evenly as he watches his brother's curled up form.

“I know you think that you did something wrong yesterday and maybe that you were bad but you didn't. You were doing so good and then,” he pauses for a second and licks his lips, “I got some bad news. I needed some time and some space to think everything over and I should have told you that instead of letting you think that you had done something wrong. That was the wrong thing for me to do.

“I'm sorry, Fíli. I won't do it again.” Kíli says sincerely. He watches the other dwarves as they appear to be busy packing but he knows that they're listening just as intently as they can.

“I understand if you don't want to but I wanted to fix your braids and have you ride with me today. It's your choice and I won't be mad if you don't want to.”

Fíli looks up at him so quickly his neck hurts with so much hope in his eyes they almost burn. His hand tightens around the beads and he swallows thickly, fat tears starting to slide down his cheeks again.

"You don't hate me?" he asked in a whimper, before throwing his arms around Kíli's knees and burying his face in his belly, not caring that he's smearing dirt into the dark blue tunic he's wearing. He cries out his desperate relief until he goes suddenly quiet, face still pressed into the younger dwarf's belly.

Oin starts forward in alarm, but bursts into chuckles when they discover that Fíli's fast asleep with his arms still wrapped tight around their King's legs. It gives him time to clean the golden haired dwarf's feet and rebandage them, and Dwalin helps Kíli change him into something less covered in dirt and old food, a clean pair of brown trousers and a soft blue tunic, and replace the beads in his neatly combed hair. Then he's loaded up onto Kíli's pony by silent, unanimous refusal to let Fíli ride anywhere else.

Dwalin is looking approvingly at the young King, though, and he even smiles faintly from behind his beard as they plod down the road towards Erebor, watching as a blanket wrapped Fíli sprawled back against his brother, face tucked into the crook of Kíli's neck and snoring softly. They'd stop for lunch when the dwarf woke up, Oin said, since he'd no doubt be in rather desperate need of a solid meal after not eating since lunch the day before.

Kíli smiles a little too, unable to help it with how Fíli was laying against him. He makes sure to hold the sleeping dwarf close to him so that he doesn't fall off. He's also doing it for his own comfort, which his demons are quick to remind him that he doesn't deserve. And if Fíli was lucid there would be no way in Middle Earth that they would have gotten him up here with the person that betrayed him the worst.

The King accepts what they say as true but also knows that this version of Fíli needs him. Maybe as only a Master and not a brother or his One, but he did want the other dwarf to get better. He play whatever role Fíli needed him to play until he was better and then he'd deal with the actually Fíli when the time came.

If he was going to lose his brother forever for the things he's done then it might be okay for him to soak up the comfort of having him against his chest and breathing against his neck. He wouldn't ask more of Fíli but he will commit each moment to his memories.

They finally stop for lunch when he can feel his brother starting to stir. The others help get the sleeping dwarf down and Kíli sits with him in his lap while they get lunch prepared. It would have to be quick today since they made barely any progress yesterday.

Fíli wakes up to the smell of leftover rabbit being warmed on a quick fire and the solidity of something against his back. When he turns and sees it's Kíli, heat steals into his cheeks, and he huddles deeper down into the blanket around him, embarrassed that he'd fallen asleep on him again. 

The brown haired dwarf doesn't seem angry or unhappy about it, though, so Fíli tentatively lets himself lay against his chest again, tucking his head under his chin and making a soft little whining noise. His belly is gnawing on emptiness and his head is pounding with desperation for the drug, but right now he's content to remain where he is. 

The fluttery feeling is back in his belly, and his chest feels tight when he breathes in Kíli's scent, curling his fingers under the collar of his tunic to feel the thick nest of dark hair that lurks beneath. Emboldened by the fact that the other dwarf has yet to tell him no or slap his hand away, Fíli shyly reaches up to run his fingers through the neatly cropped beard on Kíli's chin, so different from the thick, burly, scratchy beards of the Iron Hills dwarves. His own beard has started to grow back as a rough stubble that itches, and he wonders if he'll have a beard that looks as nice as the King's one day.

Curious fingers trace over his proud jawline and across high cheekbones, before coming back to pet at his beard. He wasn't aware that he had an awestruck, open mouthed look of wonder the entire time he was exploring, nor that the entire camp had stopped what they were doing to watch them with nothing short of amused fondness.

Kíli has a soft smile on his face as his brother runs his fingers through his beard. Over all he's pretty amused with the action, never in his life had he thought that he would have more of a beard than Fíli. He lets the exploration continue, partially out of curiosity of what was going to happen next and not minding the other dwarf's hands on him one bit.

When he looks he notices that everyone else is watching Fíli too and gives them all a quick glare before they're getting back to getting lunch prepared. The King isn't sure if his brother would be embarrassed by their gawking but he doesn't want to find out. He's not and even though it was announced to the group that they were each other's Ones and no one seemed to have an outward problem with it, there was still something that told him to be careful. And that maybe this would be better if it could be done without prying eyes.

Eventually he reaches up and gently grasps both of Fíli's wrists, nodding towards Ori when the blond looks a little worried.

“Lunchtime. I bet you're pretty hungry since you haven't eaten since yesterday.”

Fíli had been more than happy to touch and explore Kíli's face for the rest of the day, but, his belly tells him that lunch actually sounds like a pretty decent idea. He keeps seeing little flashes of Kíli's face, with his hands on it like they just were, but his beard is merely stubble, and his lips are moving with unknown words. But when he breaks contact with Kíli's skin, the pictures are gone, and Fíli's left wondering if maybe he was seeing things because he hadn't taken the drug in so long. 

He doesn't like it, nor the throbbing ache that worsens behind his eyeballs.

Fíli's cheeks flush miserably when he leans in to press his face against the dwarf's shoulder, an unhappy shiver running down his spine.

"Master, I need..."

He trails off with a miserable sound and refuses to utter another word, even when Ori comes over with a bowl of seasoned rabbit meat and rice for him. Fíli does, at least, take the bowl and start to eat, but, his head is throbbing so bad that he can't barely focus on getting his spoon going the right direction, and the pain begins to spread to his shoulders and back. Sweat has begun to bead on his skin and somewhere in the distance he hears Ori's concerned voice asking if he'd caught a chill.

But no this wasn't a sickness, except, perhaps, a sickness of the soul.

“I don't think so,” Kíli answers the young scribe, he remembers Fíli shivering once before. The blond had slept out in the open last night though and even though he had been by the fire it was possible that he could have gotten sick. If he was sick then that would be the King's fault as well. Then again if it is only because he needs his drug then this would be his fault too since he hadn't wanted to give it to him last night. He remembers Oin offering to the Prince only to have him turn away.

He instructs Ori to get Oin so he can look Fíli over. Even if he's right, he hopes he is, and his brother hasn't caught a chill the healer will still have what he needs to feel better.

“I'm sorry, Fíli. Oin will be over in a second and we'll help you feel better,” he apologizes as the healer makes his way over. The King gently sets aside both of their lunches so nothing spills while the older dwarf looks Fíli over.

“Well he doesn't seem to have caught a cold, which is lucky considering,” Oin trails off and Kíli ducks his head, not looking at either the healer or his brother. Oin pulls out Fíli's drugs and places some in the palm of his hand before he wanders back over to where he'd left his lunch.

“Here, Fíli. You'll feel better after you have this.”

Fíli lights up with delight when he sees his Bliss in Kíli's palm, reaching out to grab at the dwarf's wrist, dragging him close enough that he can nuzzle his face into the powder and snort it, body going stiff as the drug hits his system hard. He manages three more bites of lunch before he's not lucid enough to chew and swallow, lounging against Kíli's chest and mumbling incoherently.

Oin takes the opportunity to sit down beside Kíli, handing him the bag of opium.

"It makes more sense for you to have it, since you'll be giving it to him," he sighs, looking at the young dwarf before he shakes his head and lights his pipe, exhaling a steadying stream of smoke into the air.

"Your concern from earlier raises an important detail, though, and that is Fíli's health. Between his isolation and his addiction to the drug, he likely has next to no resistance to any sort of illnesses he might be exposed to. While it's safe to say that he's fine around us, as he's yet to fall ill from touching us, I think it would be best if we limited Fíli's contact with other dwarves upon his return to the mountain. At least until he is healthier and we've weaned him off the drug a little bit more. With how weak his body is, even a chill could put him in serious risk."

He falls silent when Fíli stirs on Kíli's lap, watching as the blond licked his lips and buried his face in the King's belly, clearly intent on hiding from the sunlight. It would be endearing if it wasn't so heartbreaking.

“Limited contact,” Kíli repeats as he tucks the pouch safely away in his coat. He can’t shake the thought that it sounds like having to lock Fíli away in his rooms until he’s better. Considering where they had saved his brother from, and being through the same thing himself, he really doesn’t like the sound of that. He’d thought that maybe Fíli wouldn’t want to wander too much with his injuries but he never thought about restricting where he could go.

Too bad he would have to resume his duties as King as soon as they got back, he was sure that if he could stay with Fíli it wouldn’t be so bad for him. Maybe he could ask Dwalin to stay with him while he was gone. His brother seemed to trust the gruff dwarf or at least liked him a little more than everyone else so far so that might work. It would also be good to have someone with him when he could wander so that he didn’t get lost since he probably wouldn’t remember the layout of Erebor from when he had lived there.

“Probably best to limit who sees him anyway. I don’t want half of the kingdom trying to gawk at him like he’s part of some traveling show,” Kíli gives an exasperated sigh as he uses his arm to help block out the sunlight for the sleeping dwarf. He thinks it would be most of the nobility anyway and he really doesn’t need more reasons to hate them.

“The company and a few others should be alright. The dwarves that truly cared about him and not just his title.” He would make a list of people that were to _never_ see Fíli, as well. Although if Dwalin was going to be the one to stay with him during the day, he wouldn’t have to. 

As soon as everyone is done eating, and everything is packed, the King helps to wrap his brother up in a blanket before he’s loaded onto Dwalin’s pony. While Kíli is sure that Fíli won’t be waking anytime soon, since he’s usually out for a while after he has his drug, he still rides next to the pair until they stop for dinner. 

Normally when the Company rides together, they're loud and boisterous, telling lewd jokes and sharing stories and singing songs about drinking and eating and fucking, to pass the otherwise dull ride across the flat plains leading up to Erebor. But whether it's because everyone is more than a little tired after this journey, or they all subconsciously agreed to let their young Prince rest, the Company rides mostly in silence, save occasional quiet conversation between Nori and Bofur, who are discussing potential places for Nori to find a reputable source for Fíli's drug.

The blond Prince doesn't stir until the sun has fully risen in the sky, licking at his lips and rubbing his face against Dwalin's fur vest.

"Mmm.. Where's Master? Is it lunchtime?" he mumbled, earning a faintly amused look from the older dwarf. They had just stopped for lunch, after all, but then Fíli hadn't really eaten that much.

"Master is right here. And we can stop for a short meal if you are hungry," Dwalin replied patiently, resting his hand on the top of Fíli's head like he used to do when the dwarf was very small. It still draws a little happy smile from it like it always did and Fíli nuzzles deeper into Dwalin's furs to wait while he tells the company to halt for a quick break. 

Besides helping Fíli bulk up and get healthier, the frequent stops actually seem to be benefitting both the ponies and the Company. All are well rested on a journey for once, without the full body aches that accompany an entire day of solid riding. As a result, everyone's in a good mood when they start working on a quick lunch of venison cooked over a small fire, and bread that Ori had been holding onto since the Iron Hills.

It'd been worth saving it for the right meal to see Fíli's reaction at being handed a chunk of the slightly stale loaf, staring at it as if it were the greatest thing he'd ever seen. It's even better when Nori shows him how to load it up with the venison, sliced thin by Dwalin, and a few hunks of cheese, and Fíli takes a big bite, eyes growing wide around as saucers at the mix of flavors. He devours it within a few moments, beaming as if it were the greatest thing he'd ever eaten in his entire life. 

Before anyone can really think too hard about how sad it was that Fíli was so excited about a meal of stale bread and old cheese, Bifur wanders over to the young dwarf and offers him some of his own lunch, speaking to him in his garbled version of Khuzdul.

And the entire Company was shocked to hear Fíli respond to him with equal fluency, beaming with delight as he took the bread and meat and began to eat again. Even Bifur seemed surprised, staring down at the former Prince.

Ever since his injury, Bifur had only been capable of speaking Khuzdul. But it was a mutilated version of ancient Khuzdul, filled with the wrong words in the wrong places, and improper pronunciations and plenty of language that Bifur's mind had created for itself. Some words were spoken backwards, others were missing syllables or letters or were pronounced totally wrong. While Bofur and Bombur had come to master the majority of the bastardized language to speak with their cousin, Fíli has picked it up quite rapidly on their journey to Erebor. Balin had chuckled back then, saying that the Prince had a gift for languages. By the time they completed their quest, Fíli understood what Bifur was saying better even than Bofur and Bombur sometimes, and had been working on a translation reference book, so that everyone would have something to look to help understand the injured warrior's language, until he'd been sold away. 

Bifur still had the unfinished work, carefully saved from the Prince's quarters before they'd been stripped of any possessions. It was proof that the line of Durin still cared for their people, even if their old King had not, and the reason why Bifur and his family had supported Kíli's claim to the throne.

Fíli, still licking his lips to chase crumbs of bread, is thoroughly confused when Bifur wraps his arms around him tight and lifts him into the air, spinning them in a short circle before he seems to remember himself and lets him sit back down again. He looks between the emotional warrior and Kíli's startled face, his eyes wide and mouth slightly ajar.

"Did I do something good, Master?" he asked uncertainly, fingers plucking at the edge of his tunic.

“You've done something very good, Fíli. Not everyone understands Bifur but you seem to understand him perfectly,” Kíli smiles brightly at his brother. It was good to see him remembering something from before even if he didn't seem to realize what he'd done. The King had never had Fíli's talent for languages but after being around Bifur so long, he did understand him to an extent.

He couldn't help but feel like there's a timer that's counting down the minutes until Fíli remembers everything and whatever this is between them ends. It makes him wish that his brother would never get his memories back and that makes him feel even worse about himself.

The King decides that no matter what, he needs to get better and get his memories back. Even if they never speak again, he'll know that he's at least done some good in his life and maybe Fíli will even be happy being able to remember his friends. 

Kíli buries anything else that feels besides happiness for Fíli, those bridges would be crossed when the time came.

“You've made him very happy,” he says nodding up at the toy maker, who is smiling as well. In fact, the whole camp seems a bit happier with the discovery. 

Fíli can't help but feel warm all over when Kíli praises him with so much enthusiasm, squirming on his blanket with delight. It felt good to be told he'd done something so great even if he hadn't known he was doing it. 

"It.. I didn't really have to think about it, it sort of just came to me," he admitted shyly, scrubbing his hand over his mouth to get rid of any leftovers from finishing Bifur's sandwich, shuffling over to give the old warrior enough room to sit down beside him. It takes a moment for him to get back into it, when Bifur starts speaking in his odd language again, but the pieces start to fit together when everyone stops looking at him and he doesn't feel like he's the center of attention.

He likes talking to Bifur, he decides, as the old dwarf tells him about the mountain, and what the markets are like, and the good foods he'll get to try when they get there. It's easy to talk to him, it's nice. 

When Kíli calls for everyone to climb on their horses once more, Fíli decides to ride with Bifur, even though he could have ridden with Kíli. He doesn't notice that the rest of the Company is watching them both again, or that Bofur rubs at his eyes every once in a while and smiles so wide his eyes crinkle. 

Kíli is happy that Fíli wants to ride with Bifur, a little jealous maybe, but truly happy. His brother does need friends after all, especially with how things are going to be when they get back to the mountain. Maybe he could even help the toymaker with his shop or something after he was stronger and they didn't have to worry about him getting sick.

He feels a little better about not being able to be around his brother so much with Dwalin and Bifur at least to keep him company. Maybe he'd even be able to take his lunches with him to try and help with any loneliness.

The King rides next to the pair both to help protect them and for Fíli's sake, even though he didn't say anything about wanting him to ride next to them. He catches bits and pieces of their conversation, happy to just listen to them speak in Khuzdul and it helps keep any brooding thoughts out of his mind. He waits a little longer today to call for them to make camp, wanting to make up at least a little bit of time with how often and long they've been stopping the past few days. He's not in a rush to get back to Erebor, but he knows if they don't get back soon, Balin will send out a search party.

Everything had gone so well that day, and everyone was feeling content when supper was finished and pipes were pulled out, so when Fíli's normally silent and otherwise uneventful drug spell abruptly goes sour, they're all paralyzed, unable to do more than watch as the dwarf spasms and seizes on the ground.


	7. What If I Misunderstand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fíli and Kíli talk about the future, and the Company has something to say to their King.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There wasn't anywhere that felt like a proper ending so you get an extra long chapter update.
> 
> This is shaping up to be a long fic, with Tarah and I having over 200k already written, and still going, so, expect to be in for the long haul and very slow, steady development between our two boys.

Fíli's breath rattled in his chest, and his eyes were rolled up into his skull as his body jerked and twitched, choking when his head whipped back and hit the dirt hard. This seemed to spur everyone into action and they all fell upon the former Prince to force him to lay still, Bifur cradling Fíli's head in his lap so he wouldn't hit it again. There wasn't much else they could do, though, until it was over, and Oin could examine the shivering, unconscious dwarf.

"A bad reaction to the drug, I bet. I saw it happen often enough back in Ered Luin," Nori murmured as Oin peeled back Fíli's eyelids, fingers carefully searching for any sort of injury from colliding with the hard packed earth, "Sometimes you just doesn't take it well, or you take a little bit too much, or you get some poor quality stuff, and your body tries to reject it." He neglects to mention that many dwarves also died from this.

Oin grunts his agreement to Nori's assessment, wiping the sweat from Fíli's brow and standing so he can face the group.

"It was the drug, like Nori said. His body rejected it, but, for now he seems to be out of the woods. His bowels have released themselves, though, during the episode, so he's going to need a wash and clean clothes before we can rest tonight."

As one they all look at Kíli, immediately united in their distinct discomfort at the idea of having to bathe the poor Prince, knowing how it would appear if Fíli woke up in the middle of it.

Kíli looks wide eyed at the company with every single dwarf looking back at him expectantly. He starts to shake his head, trying to tell them all that this is an awful idea. It's more than just what he has to clean but in order to do it he has to remove most of Fíli's clothes, maybe all of them as he hasn't changed in a while. Since it was himself that his brother had thought he needed to please just a few days ago, this really seemed like a bad idea.

Besides he hadn't seen Fíli naked in what felt like ages, literally years, and there hadn't even been a single piece of clothing removed that night in his room. The what if's just from thinking about what would happen if Fíli woke up at inopportune times during the bathing had his head spinning. 

When he looks around again to see he's not going to get any help here, he lets out a long sigh before muttering a fine before the others set to work. The tent that Oin had used the night outside of the Iron Hills is set up again, and the pot they had cooked the stew in is filled with water and warmed over the fire. 

The King is handed a cloth and soap by Oin, which he takes without looking at the other dwarf. He's told the tent will help keep Fíli warm but really Kíli is just glad for the privacy. 

He helps move his brother inside once it's up and once the flap is shut and they're left alone, he lets himself be visibly nervous about the whole thing. A few candles burn in their holders around the sleeping mat where Fíli's been laid out, throwing shadows across his brother's face.

He chews on his bottom lip as a hand reaches to undo the laces of Fíli's trousers when a voice, sounding strangely like Balin, in the back of his mind tells him to grow up and get on with it. He takes a deep breath and does just that. He quick but gentle as he removes just the clothing from Fíli's bottom half, throwing it outside the tent after he gets it off. He leaves the tunic on both for his own sanity and to help keep the other dwarf warm.

Kíli cleans methodically while trying not to look where he most wants to look, trying to give Fíli privacy even while he's unconscious. It takes longer to clean this way, and the touches to his brother's bare skin are going to haunt him, but he does eventually get done. He redresses him in clean smalls and trousers before covering him up to his hips with a blanket and starting to undo the laces on the dirty tunic.

Fíli feels warm and comfortable when he finally resurfaces from the strange, inky blackness he'd fallen into. He remembers an unpleasant pinching in his throat and a tightness in his belly before he'd passed out, and despite the warmth there's a heavy exhaustion settled over him, like he'd run here from the Iron Hills rather than ridden on pony back. 

His eyes blink open to settle on Kíli just as the other dwarf tosses aside his dirty tunic, and now Fíli realizes he's bare from the waist up, and goose pimples break out in a rash across his skin.

"Master..?" he whispered softly, uncertain of what was happening, but realizing he was laying down on a bedroll on the ground, with his tunic gone and a blanket pulled up to his waist. Kíli knelt beside him, leaning over him, and Fíli balked. 

Master had promised that he didn't want to do those things to Fíli, so why was he half dressed on a bed?

He twists away from Kíli's grip and pulls the blankets up to his chin with a frightened look, shivering like a cornered animal. 

"M-Master, please, I'll be good, I don't.. Please don't make me..!"

“No, Fíli its ok..I wasn't going to...you don't have to,” Kíli sputters as he pulls his hands away like they had been burned. There's a sick twist in his gut at the way he pleads and he wants to reach out and comfort Fíli but at the same time that doesn't sound like the best idea. He grabs the clean tunic from beside him and holds it up so the other dwarf can see it.

“I was just changing your clothes see? Oin said that your body had a bad reaction to the drug and you were covered in dirt. I was just putting you into clean clothes,” he says, worry written all over his face. On one hand, his reaction is one reason why he didn't want to be in here changing Fíli's clothes in the first place, but on the other he can't imagine just how much worse he would have reacted if it had been another member of the Company.

“You don't have to do stuff like that anymore for anyone, Fíli. You can do those things if you want but no one is going to force you anymore,” Kíli tells him quietly as he lays the tunic on his brother's chest. He scoots back on his butt until he can feel the cloth of the tent wall against his back, trying to give the blond the room he may need.

“I'm sorry. I can go wait outside while you finish getting dressed if you want?”

Fíli goes quiet as he digests what Kíli is saying, slowly sitting up and tugging the blanket around himself to ward off the chill of the air. 

"You mean.. I am allowed.. To be with someone of my choosing? I get a choice?" he asked softly, sounding horribly confused by the very idea. He can't remember a time when he had a choice, or was even given the opportunity to make a choice. 

He looks down at his lap and plucks at a loose string, tugging it off and looping it around his fingers.

"Master... Is sex.. Does sex feel good? Is it supposed to feel good?" He supposed it had to be somewhat enjoyable, if it was something people chose to do willingly. But after knowing only pain for so long, Fíli wasn't so sure.

“Yeah sex is supposed to feel good. Very good actually,” Kíli smiles faintly at the memory of the one time he got to make Fíli feel good but it's gone in a flash when he thinks about how his brother spent the next five years. 

“You do get a choice now. If you find someone you like and they like you too then you can have sex if you both want to,” he says with a forced smile. There's an ugly jealousy that rises within him when he thinks about Fíli being with anyone else but him. He tries to remember that while he remembers them confessing to being each other's Ones, the other dwarf doesn't. The only tie they have to each other is that Fíli still needs a Master in his life and he did promise never to force anything on him, a promise he'll never break.

That doesn't mean that Fíli can't have someone else of his choosing. The King already had his years of denial before he accepted that he loved his brother in more than just a brotherly way. Maybe those years would be reversed now.

“You should probably talk to Oin before you do anything like that though. Your body is still healing and you wouldn't want to accidentally make anything worse.”

Fíli's mouth drops open and his cheeks flare with heat at the bare _mention_ of discussing something like that with Oin. He shook his head furiously and pulled the blanket up to hide himself completely, only letting his red face poke out after he'd gotten himself somewhat under control.

"I don't.. I don't want to do _that_ anytime soon. But I.. When I do.. When I'm.. ready to.. have sex..."

He stumbled over his words, now, struggling to voice the thoughts swirling in his head. Fíli doesn't know where these thoughts come from, but they feel.. Well, they feel _right._ He swallowed thickly and tugged the blankets together to hide his nose and mouth, leaving just his eyes, which he kept determinedly fixed on the wall of the tent over Kíli's shoulder.

"When I'm ready... would you.. would you show me how to feel good? How to.. How to enjoy it? I don't.. I don't want it to be anyone else but you."

And with that said, Fíli closed the blankets completely, ready to completely dissolve into the ground. Surely Kíli would find him detestable and undesirable. He was the used up toy of a mad King, after all. And who was to say he would ever feel up to intimacy of that nature ever again?

Still, the moment he finishes speaking, a sense of peace settles over him. It felt right, to think that Kíli would be the only one he'd ever lay with of his own will. He didn't really understand why, but, it was the first good feeling he'd known in many long years.

Kíli can't do anything but stare at his brother's form, face and mind completely blank. Just a moment ago he'd been so worried about Fíli choosing someone else but now he finds out that his brother wants him to show him how to enjoy sex? He can't decided if pinching himself is a good idea or not, if this is a dream he's pretty sure that he doesn't actually want to know.

When he starts to feel the heat rising to his cheeks, he shakes his head to clear it and realizes that he still needs to answer the question.

“Of course, Fíli. Whenever you're ready, I'd be happy to show you how to enjoy it,” he says and clears his throat. There's hope blooming in his chest that while not everything can go back to the way it was five years ago, maybe they could be like they were. Or something very close to it.

Fíli peeks out from behind the blankets at Kíli's answer, cheeks still pink with embarrassment and eyes flitting nervously around the room. He looks distinctly happy, though, at the answer he gets, and he offers the brunet a shy smile.

"Thank you, Master," he whispered, nose wrinkling for a moment before he sneezes, letting the blanket drop back around his waist.

"Can I have my tunic? It's very cold in here."

He's still red faced even as he tugs his shirt over his head, clumsily pulling the laces until they're taut and then wrapping back up in the blankets. Fíli supposed winter would be here in a few months. It was hard to remember the seasons in the Iron Hills. Time didn't really seem to pass the same way it used to when he was locked in a room with no windows. 

The blond dwarf looks up at Kíli as the King prepares to settle in for the night, silently pleased that they would get to sleep together with the tent still up around them, licking his lips uncertainly.

"Master, can we do something nice for Durin's Day? Only, my old Master never really cared to involve me in the celebrations, and.. they always sounded like so much fun, what little I could hear from my room," he asks suddenly, dropping his head in reflexive anticipation of a strike.

Kíli smiles a little at the idea. It's been a long time since he's been to a Durin's Day party since Thorin hadn't been fond of them either, with the dragon sickness saying that they cost too much. The ones in Ered Luin hadn't been huge per say, nothing like the Iron Hills probably, but they had always been fun. Well what he could remember of them had been fun, with the ale flowing some of the memories got a little fuzzy.

“I think that's a great idea. I think Erebor would benefit greatly from a Durin's Day celebration,” he muses as he lies back against the bed roll. He'd have to talk to Balin first of course, to make sure that they could have a party but he couldn't see any reason why they couldn't. They hadn't been able to his first winter as King because the kingdom had been busy trying to recover from everything Thorin had done.

“You'll like it I think. There will be music and dancing and I'm sure Bombur will happily make all his best recipes, so there will be lots of good food. There will have to be plenty of ale too,” the King smiles brightly at that. He's sure that company would replace him as King if he forgot to bring enough ale for everyone.

“We can talk to my adviser when we get back to make sure that we can pull it off first. If we can't do a big one for everyone maybe we can do a much smaller one just for us and the company.”

Fíli curls against the other dwarf's chest and smiles softly as he talks, tucking his face into the crook of his shoulder and slipping an arm across his broad chest. The mention of ale makes him quail, but he stifles it at how excited Kíli is.

"I like the sound of that a lot," he murmured, wondering what it would be like to dance and sing and be part of a celebration. It sounded very fun, and he wriggled a little bit with excitement before settling back down again, pulling the blankets up around his ears. 

Thinking about the future gave him pause, though, and Fíli looked up until his nose was nudging at Kíli's jawline, rather enjoying the faint scratch of his beard against his skin.

"Master, what will it be like in Erebor? Will I get to stay with you, when we get there?" he asked curiously, trying not to sound overly hopeful. He didn't really want his own room, again. He'd gotten his fill of that.

“Well,” Kíli says with a sigh, “you won't be able to spend all day with me like we do now. I have to take care of my duties, which are pretty boring most days. I don't think you want to be with me in court anyway, even I don't want to be in court.” He wrinkles his nose a little at that, he wasn't looking forward to hearing about petty fights over things that hardly mattered. If he could make Balin sit in for him he would but the old dwarf didn't want to be there either. Besides, he said that it was better for Kíli to do it as the new King, the people needing to trust him and all that.

“Someone you know will stay with you during the day though. I was thinking maybe Dwalin or Bifur since you seem to like them a lot. Oin says it's best if you don't wander around for a while, since you could get sick really easy. After that, though you can go wherever you want. I'll show you the markets where a few of the company have their own shops and the library where Ori works and Bombur's kitchens. Someone will be with you after that to make sure you don't get lost. It was months before I could keep everything straight.”

“But you can stay in my room with me if you want. There's a separate room for you too if you don't, it's your choice and just down the hall if you ever needed me,” he tells the other as his fingers gently brush over blond hair. Kíli wants Fíli to stay with him, to be there after a long day as King. It would be nice to see a happy face after dealing with grumpy nobles.

Fíli hugs tighter to the taller dwarf, burying his face into his chest with a happy noise. He could stay with Master, and live in Master's room with him, and sleep in his bed, all the time!

He can't help but squirm, a thrill of delight shooting up his spine and blooming as heat in his chest. Fíli barely even notes that Kíli admits he will be busy, and spare time will be hard to come by. He doesn't care because he gets to live with his Master, and that's the most important part of this conversation.

The squirming subsides, though, when his head begins to throb again, and he makes a muffled whining noise against the King's chest before tugging the blankets up over his head, blocking out the light of the candles around them. 

Fíli supposed that having a bad reaction to his drug was responsible for his further discomfort, and so he sighed and burrowed closer to his Master, ending up all but on top of him. Kíli was warm, and firm, and so it was easy for him to drift off, nose nudging against the thatch of dark curls peeking out from the unlaced v of the dwarf's tunic.

Kíli hums contently as his eyelids begin to feel heavy, letting his fingers continue to run over Fíli's gold locks, something he hopes is at least a little soothing. He doesn't mind that is brother is almost on top of him, in fact it's rather comforting to feel him so close again. They had slept together as children but Thorin had made them separate when he deemed them too old. It had taken a long time but eventually he had gotten used to sleeping alone.

Right now though it's hard to imagine ever sleeping alone again.

He King falls asleep easily, comforted by Fíli's presence and completely exhausted from the night before.

When he wakes up the next morning it's to pots banging together much too loudly to have been on accident. Also he knows the dwarves outside of the tent well enough that he also knows they're only that loud on purpose and the next step in their not so subtle way to wake up their King was to probably throw a pot _into_ the tent.

Kíli is still too tired to care. With a grumpy noise, he pulls Fíli close and ignores the sounds outside of the walls.

Fíli isn't as unresponsive to the loud banging as the King is, jerking awake and rolling sideways to crouch, weight poised on his toes and fingers like a lion, eyes wide and focused on the tent flaps. It was the same pose the old Fíli would have sunken into if woken from a dead sleep by a sudden noise on the road. 

Then he seemed to remember himself and fell onto hands and knees, looking at Kíli in utter confusion before rubbing at sleep clouded eyes.

"Is it time for breakfast, Master?" he mumbled and wrinkled his nose in distaste at how chilly it was away from the warmth of Kíli's body, climbing back under the blankets to burrow against the King's chest.

He wasn't really that hungry, yet, anyways.

Kíli doesn't notice what his brother had just done, mostly because he still refuses to open his eyes and he isn't awake enough to realize how quickly Fíli had jumped out of bed. He only notices that there was a warm body next to him, then there wasn't, then there was again.

“Probably,” he grunts. He's in no hurry for breakfast either or even to get out of bed. He usually doesn't get to sleep in anymore since he's become King, so that coupled with the fact that Fíli is here, make it nearly impossible for him to get up. 

“Although we should probably get up soon anyway before they take the tent down whether we're in it or not,” he murmurs. He wouldn't put that past them either or the Company just taking out the stakes and letting the tent fall on them. It's probably nothing short of a miracle that all thirteen of them, well fourteen with Bilbo, ever got to the mountain originally.

The King stretches his arms before he starts to think that maybe if he isn't hungry, Fíli might be and might only be staying in here because Kíli isn't leaving.

“If you're hungry though we can go get some breakfast. We just have to manage to get up first,” he chuckles.

"But getting up means moving," Fíli sighed, voice muffled by the fact he's got his face buried right under Kíli's arm, attempting to escape the encroaching light that shines through the thin walls of the tent. The clamoring outside only grows louder, though, and finally he surrenders to the inevitability of consciousness, straddling Kíli's waist as he sits up, rubbing at his cheeks to try to wake up.

His face heats up, though, when he realizes the awkwardness of the position he's settled into, nearly stumbling and falling on his face as he shoots up onto his feet, trying not to think about the bulge of Kíli's morning wood he had felt between his legs. It wasn't terrifying, not like it should be, but it wasn't necessarily welcome, either. Master was different from the other dwarves Fíli had been forced to lay within the Iron Hills. Master was kind, and Master took care of him, and was gentle, and patient, and so Fíli had nothing to fear from him, but, he was far from ready for that kind of touching. And, if he was being honest with himself, he was afraid that this was all a facade, and soon enough his new Master would lose patience and strike him, or force himself upon Fíli.  
So, he stood there and fumbled the blanket around him shivering at the touch of cold earth against his bare feet. Maybe socks wouldn't be so scary, if Master put them on him. They didn't look so scary when Kíli wore them, and it would mean Oin changing the bandages less often...

The phantom smell of sausages floats into the tent on a breeze, immediately distracting the blond dwarf and dragging his attention from Kíli to the flap, peeling it back slightly so he can peek out and watch the camp set about packing up bedrolls and making breakfast. Bofur was whistling as he flipped sausages and stirred porridge over the fire, and Dwalin was seated nearby, sharpening his axes while Ori watched with interest. Nori and Bifur were saddling up the ponies not far off, and Oin was smoking his pipe, waiting for breakfast to be finished.

It all felt like home in the strangest way, and Fíli couldn't help the smile spreading across his face.

Kíli sits up and scrubs a hand over his face, embarrassed by his body's morning state and that Fíli had felt it. He didn't think about how nice it had been to have his brother sitting on his hips, not when the blond had seemed so put off by it. He wants to apologize and tell Fíli that it really meant nothing, and remind him of what he said last night. When he opens his mouth though nothing comes out, so he just slams it shut.

All he can do is slip his boots and coat on before starting to pack up the bed roll. There was only one more night left of sleeping on the ground and he was pretty grateful for that. Especially now that he knew Fíli was going to be spending his nights in the same bed as him; it made having to resume his duties just a little bit better

“Ready to get some breakfast?” He asks quietly as he looks out to see what Fíli is seeing. He could remember all the days that he woke up to similar sights and couldn't help but feeling like those days were ages ago. 

“It looks like Bofur is almost done with it,” Kíli observes as he slips around his brother and out of the tent, holding the tent flap open for him.

Fíli is pulled from the shadows of memories by Kíli speaking, turning his gaze on him and nodding. His belly growls in agreement, and he steps outside into the crisp morning with more than one regretful shiver. The air in the tent had been so warm from their body heat, and Fíli hugged the blanket tighter around himself, following Kíli to where the fire crackled to warm his poor feet.

Unlike the others, clad in numerous layers of furs and leathers, Fíli only had his trousers and tunic, which didn't do much when it came to keeping him warm. 

He's wary about asking for his drug this morning, lost in thought as he digs into the sausage and porridge he's given by a cheerful Bofur. He craved it as much as ever, like an itch he just couldn't quite scratch, and growing worse with every second that passed. But he feared another reaction like the night before. He'd reacted poorly to it in the Iron Hills, as well, but Dain had always just brushed it off, sending a servant to clean up the mess after the seizure was over. That Fíli had survived to this point at all was a miracle in itself, but he hadn't expected to have another bad reaction so soon. He'd had an episode only two days before Kíli had come to take him.

But, it meant his body was rejecting the drug, after all this time. And that scared Fíli much more than the seizures. How was he supposed to function without the drug? He barely remembered a time before the peace it brought him, the escape from the pain and violation of Dain's attentions it offered. What would he do if he didn't have it?

He muffled a whimper into his porridge, scrunching up as small as he could.

Kíli shoves half a sausage in his mouth, looking over at his brother who seemed to be curling around his breakfast. He wants to tell him that he really doesn't need to protect his food, no one is going to take it but the words die on his lips when he gets a good look at Fíli's face.

He looks like he used to when he would worry about what kind of King he would be. Kíli isn't happy about the over-thinking, fearful look returning to his brother's face but he guesses that if the real Fíli is still in there then it was bound to return sooner or later. 

He scoots close to the other dwarf, placing a gentle hand on his back, unsure if he's relieved or not that he isn't shivering like before. He's glad that he hasn't started to show signs that he hasn't asked for his drug, yet, but he is slightly nervous about giving it to him after yesterday.

“Are you okay, Fíli? Do you need your Bliss? It's okay if you do, you don't have to be afraid to ask for it,” the King says gently.

Fíli looked up at Kíli with watery eyes, putting his breakfast aside so he can curl against his chest, fingers wrapping around a handful of his tunic.

"I'm scared.. I'm scared that it'll hurt me again," he admits in a whisper, burying his face in Kíli's hair and letting the soft scratch of it against his skin soothe him a bit.

"But I'm more scared of.. of not having it. I need it. I need it so bad. _Please._ "

His tone became desperate, tugging on Kíli's tunic before going still, a shudder running down his spine. In his growing hysteria, the need had become a clawing, ravenous hunger, and Fíli all but flung himself on the King's lap, his breathing pitched and his eyes wide and desperate.

"Please don't take it away from me! I won't do it again, I won't, I just need it, Master!"

Kíli wraps one arm around Fíli, rubbing small circles on his back in a futile attempt to get him to calm down. He knows nothing will work right now beside the drug but he has to dig in his coat pocket to find it. He can understand his brother being afraid of it because of the reaction he had last night, but what he doesn’t understand is how he can still say he wants it. And how he even begs for it not to be taken away from him.

He pours a small amount in the palm of his hand, showing it to the dwarf in his lap.

“I won’t take it away from you today, but eventually you can’t have it anymore. Even without your reaction last night, this stuff is bad for you. It makes you weak and everyone wants to see you get strong, and get better. I want to see you get better,” he says but is unsure if his brother hears a word of it as he’s getting his fix. He can’t keep watching Fíli slowly killing himself just for the temporary comfort of the drug. 

Suddenly he wonders if his older brother ever thought that about him back when he was drinking every night to deal with his feelings.

The King frowns a little before remembering himself, letting his face go neutral as he looks up to tell the rest of the company to finish packing up. He continues to sit with Fíli until they need to start loading up the ponies so they can go. 

"Not weak.. Makes everything good," Fíli mumbled against the King's neck, sagging against him with a contented noise as the drug eases out all the wrinkles, and the stress and the fear melt away into nothingness. "Makes it stop hurting. Makes everything feel better."

When he had his Bliss, everything faded into the background. He could float on a painless cloud of emptiness while his body was violated and tormented. They could do whatever they wanted to him, and he didn't feel any of it. He wasn't afraid anymore, or drowning in loneliness and despair. The Bliss made him invincible. 

He smiled dazedly and closed his eyes, nudging his nose against the strong line of Kíli's throat.

"It protects me from all the bad things."

And that's the last thing he says as he cuddles closer to the dwarf King, a dreamy smile on his face. He's still smiling when he's loaded onto the pony in front of Kíli, leaning back against his chest and without a care in world.

Kíli isn't smiling, he's too busy worrying about how they're going to get Fíli over his drug dependency. He just thought that his brother would realize how bad the drug was for him the more they weaned him off of it. He never thought that he'd be scared to live without it, to not want to get better. Even with knowing that it gave him seizures, he still didn't want to be without it.

Thoughts of how to try to make things easier for Fíli consume him while they ride. He doesn't know how to help though, he doesn't know how to keep the bad things away. He can protect his brother from anyone that would try to hurt him but he can't protect him against the memories of the past five years. He wishes he could stay with the other dwarf until he was weaned off the drug, maybe if he was able to be around it would help. 

The King doesn't notice when the others start to talk about stopping for lunch, in the midst of wondering if it's possible to get Balin to sit in on meetings for him just for a few days longer or even until Fíli doesn't need his Bliss anymore. He knows it's not possible but it's a nice thought to entertain in the mean time.

He's only broken out of his head when he realizes he feels eyes on him, more than usual, and looks up to see Dwalin looking at him expectantly. Kíli finally hears the talk about lunch and agrees wholly that it's a good idea. 

Fíli's brought out of his haze by the smell of food, the last of the venison by the smell of it, and he perks up, still hazy, but, awake enough to at least get his food into his mouth, chew it, and swallow it without incident. He lays against Kíli for most of this, his eyes only partially open and movements slow and deliberate, like he were moving through syrup.

He doesn't keep the food down for long, though, and soon he has to roll off Kíli's lap, retching his lunch into the dirt with several, very unhappy noises.

Oin explains that it's a pretty common side effect of the drug, and Fíli sulks the rest of the afternoon, stuck on Nori's pony with him so Kíli's can rest. His belly howls miserably once the last of the high has faded, and even the few bits of cheese that the ginger dwarf gives him from his pockets don't help much. 

It isn't until they stop for the evening and settle in for dinner that he can somewhat quiet the hunger with an apple Ori gives him, eating it right down to the seeds while Bofur and Nori work on warming up the remains of the rabbit stew. The settling night presents another problem, and Fíli shivers against the encroaching cold, desperately trying to tuck every last part of himself in the blanket he's given.

His feet are filthy, though, despite attempts to keep them clean, and Oin sighs as he does his best to rebandage them, shooting Kíli a pointed look on his way by to check on supper. 

Kíli had just walked back into camp from checking on the ponies when he sees the look that Oin gives him. He doesn't know what's going on but he has a very good idea that it has something to do with his brother. Sure enough as he settles down next to him, he notices that Fíli is shivering.

“Cold?” He asks him, hoping that it's the temperature causing the shivering and not the need for his drug. His brother isn't showing any other signs of withdrawal so the King decides that it has to be the dropping temperature.

“Here, come here,” Kíli guides Fíli to sit in his lap before he scoots them both just a little closer to the fire. He makes sure that his brother is facing towards the warmth that gives off while he sits at his back, hopefully helping to fight against the cold.

He wants to say something about how if he was off the drugs, he'd be able to stay warmer easier but he's not sure how entirely true that is. Especially since the other dwarf would also be much warmer if he had remembered to bring an extra coat for him. He doesn't know why they didn't think to bring thicker clothing for Fíli but he's kicking himself mentally for it now. It was still only the very beginning of Autumn and it'd been pleasantly warm when they had departed from Erebor. At least they'll be home soon.

Fíli sniffles and rubs at his runny nose before carefully sliding his feet, which ache with the cold, towards the fire. Slowly he warms up, and his shivers subside, and he allows himself to lean back against Kíli's chest, blanket still hugged tight around himself. 

They were practically in the shadow of the mountain, now, and Fíli could see lights in the not so far off distance that looked like a city at the base of it. It all seemed so familiar, and yet he couldn't seem to draw a name out of his memories, like trying to hold onto water in your cupped palms, only to have it all drain away between your fingers.

"Fíli, have you thought about.. Maybe trying socks?" Ori offered from beside them, capturing the blond's attention. He blinks owlishly at the scribe, the corners of his mouth dropping into an uncertain frown as he withdraws his feet warily back into the safety of the blanket. 

"Why would I need socks? I'm fine," he said curtly, leaning away from Ori, who looks apologetically at Kíli as if to say 'I tried', before standing up and making his way over to help Bofur clean the dishes.

“Well, socks would help keep your feet warm not only tonight but when we get to Erebor too,” Kíli suggests with a soft sigh.

“The mountain has cold stone floors anyway but they're going to get worse when winter hits. You'll be fine in our rooms since they have rugs but if you ever wanted to leave, your feet will freeze."

It would be much better if Fíli would wear boots since they would be much warmer than just socks but he isn't going to push for him to wear them right now. Maybe one day in the future he'll ask if his brother wants to try a pair of boots but not for a long time yet.

“Socks would also help keep your feet clean and Oin wouldn't have to change your bandages all the time to make sure your cuts don't get infected. You don't have to wear socks if you don't want to, but if you do I have a pair in my bag I can give you. They're wool, so they'd keep your feet pretty warm,” Kíli offers.

Fíli looks down at his lap when Kíli also starts talking about socks, wiggling his toes against the cool earth. Why was it everyone kept pushing him to cover his feet? What was so bad about being able to feel the things you were walking on, anyways?

"But it'll hurt," he mumbled, hands sliding under the blanket so they can rub at the tops of his feet, attempting to alleviate some of the ache that never really left. He could still remember the sharp pain of broken bone grinding together, the sound of each one cracking as the shoes grew tighter and tighter around his feet.

He jerked as a shudder shot up his spine, covering his feet possessively with his hands and tucking the heels against his ass, reflexively trying to protect them from a shadowy assailant. What was to say these socks wouldn't hurt him like the shoes had?

“I wouldn't make you wear something that would hurt you, Fíli,” Kíli sighs. He drags his pack over to them and digs inside before he finds what he's looking for. He pulls out the grey wool socks and shows them to his brother.

“See? They're just wool. I've worn them before and they're very nice on cold nights,” he tries to convince him. He lays them on his bag while he kicks one of his boots off.

“And see? I'm even wearing a pair right now and so is everyone else. We wouldn't wear them if the hurt and we wouldn't try to tell you it's a good idea to wear a pair if they did,” he smiles gently as he slips his boot back on. He doesn't feel like he's getting anywhere with his brother but he has to try at least.

“If you try them on and you don't like them, then you can take them off and we won't try to get you to wear socks anymore. But I promise they don't hurt.”

Fíli looks between the socks in Kíli's hand and the dwarf King's face, trying to discern if there's any treachery in his heart. But, Kíli had been kind since taking him from the mountain, and fed him good things, and been gentle and patient with him, and Fíli didn't believe he would be so cruel.

So, he reached out very, very slowly to take the socks from him, peeling them apart so he can thoroughly inspect every inch, inside and out. Finally deeming them harmless, he takes a deep breath and begins to tug one onto his foot, heart thudding in his chest and throat tight with fear. But then it's on, and it doesn't hurt, or feel cold and heavy like the shoe had felt before it got so tight he couldn't feel anything at all.

It's warm and scratchy, like the wool blankets he'd been given in the Hills, and Fíli stares at the covered appendage with interest as he wiggles his toes inside the sock, watching it move with his motion. It brings a surprised smile to his face, and he pulls on the other sock, moving his toes back and forth to see the fabric twitch along with them. 

He decides that maybe socks are okay, after all. 

Kíli smiles brightly when Fíli puts the other sock on, he can't imagine how hard that was for him but he's happy that he at least tried. The fact that he keeps them on makes him that much happier.

“Pretty warm right? My friend Dori made them, he's uh,” he pauses before he can say that he's Nori and Ori's older brother, remembering how Fíli reacted when he heard that word before, “he's a really good knitter. He made everything that Ori is wearing and a few things that everyone else is wearing too. I bet if we asked, and if you wanted your own pair, he'd make you some.” He suggests gently. His brother could keep wearing only the pair he had on right now but if he ever wanted his own, the option was there.

Both of the middle and youngest of the brothers Ri seemed to agree with him. Nori rolling his eyes and muttering something about turning Fíli into Ori while the young scribe just nods his head excitedly.

Everyone starts to settle down after that. They're so close to the mountain now that everyone can just feel their soft beds waiting for them.

Fíli's head snapped up to stare open mouthed at Kíli, eyes wide around as the moon hanging in the sky above them.

"Really? My very own socks, just for me?" he asked excitedly, practically vibrating with undisguised delight at the very idea of having his own possession. A gift from someone, that was his and no one else's. He couldn't remember the last time he had be given a gift besides the Bliss, and he certainly couldn't remember the last time he'd had something all his own. Dain had liked to give him nice things, only to take them away again and see him cry. Fíli had learned pretty quickly not to get attached to anything.

Remembering this immediately puts him on reserve, his excitement becoming uncertainty and wariness, withdrawing his sock covered feet into the relative safety of the blanket again.

"And.. And I'll get to keep them forever? You won't take them away?"

He bit his lip and looked away from Kíli, fingers twisting the blanket nervously.

"Only, I've never gotten to keep anything before. Master always took them away when I was bad."

Kíli can't help the sadness that steals over his expression at this revelation.

“Of course you can keep them forever and no one will ever take them away. They'll be yours for as long as you want them and if they ever get worn out and need to be replaced, you can ask Dori and he'll make another pair just for you,” he says with a nod. He can't imagine anyone ever wanting to take a pair of socks from Fíli but he wouldn't put it past Dain to not let his brother have anything of his own.

“We can get you a coat in the market too when Oin says you can be around others without getting sick. Our rooms will be kept nice and warm for you, so you won't need a coat while you're in there,” he tells the other dwarf. Fíli will have lots of things of that will be all his own, lots of things that were his before that Kíli made sure Thorin didn't get rid of. He couldn't save everything but with help of some of the other members of the company he managed to keep some things safe.

He'd show Fíli all his old stuff eventually but probably not tomorrow with everything that needed to be done. Besides, Erebor would be overwhelming enough on its own.

The King lays back on his bedroll, watching his brother.

Fíli stares at the fire as he tries to comprehend what Kíli is saying, gnawing at his lip. It was so strange to think he'd have things all his own, soon. Things that no one else could have but him. 

He reached under the blanket to touch the thick wool socks on his feet and smiled, flopping down next to Kíli by the fire, wriggling his way under the blankets until he's flush against the dwarf's chest, head tucked under his chin.

When he sleeps, he dreams of great halls of stone and a crackling fire and a bed of furs and silks. Of a bear skin rug spread before the great stone hearth, and a desk of sturdy oak covered with ink and papers.

He dreams of a great door at his back, and the weight of another against his body, between his legs. A mouth against his own, warm and wet, desperate, searching, and there's a searing heat in the pit of his belly.

Fíli wakes up with a shuddering gasp and whimpers miserably when he feels a growing wetness between his body and Kíli's. The sun still hasn't quite begun to rise and the rest of the Company, save Dwalin on watch, is still sleeping. He attempts to scoot away from the King, a hand shooting down to where his trousers are hot and sticky between his legs, trying not to cry with how ashamed he is. 

What should he do? He couldn't escape to wash himself without Dwalin noticing, and if Dwalin bellowed after him, it'd wake the entire camp. But he'd rather curl up and die than wake Kíli and tell him he'd wet himself. 

So he simply lay there in miserable silence, waiting for the rising sun to make the decision for him.

Kíli continues to sleep until the sun starts to rise, completely unaware of his brother's state. When he does start to wake up he notices that Fíli isn't sleeping on him like he usually does. There is warmth from another body though so he doesn't worry about the other dwarf having run off again. Maybe he's just starting to get over his need for physical comfort and simply rolled over? That seemed likely to his slowly waking mind.

One brown eye eases open to check to see if he's right and that's when he finally notices the miserable look on the blond's face. He blinks a few times to get the sleep out of his eyes before he props himself up on one elbow.

“Fíli? What's wrong? Are you okay?” He whispers, worry written on his face and rolls over to better face his brother. He can't imagine what would make him so unhappy this early in the morning. Maybe a bad dream or just memories from the Iron Hills? 

“Hey it was dream, it's okay,” Kíli tries as he moves to rub Fíli's arm, hoping to help calm him.

Fíli shakes his head and flushes with misery, trying to tuck his knees up tighter against his chest so Kíli can't see the dampness soaking his trousers. He notices, now, with increasingly mortification, that the other dwarf also sports a small wet spot on his trousers from where Fíli had been pressed against him.

Angry and upset with himself, Fíli bursts into tears, trying to curl up into as tiny a ball as possible to escape the dwarf King's scrutiny. 

"I'm sorry, it was an accident, please don't be mad at me," he whispered, pulling the blankets up around himself and hoping that maybe Kíli just won't even notice and everything would be fine. He could just say he needed to wash his face and then scrub himself clean before anyone missed him.

Kíli scoots forward to try and calm his brother and that's when he notices there's a wetness on his trousers that he couldn't have left there. An idea of what happened starts to dawn on him, and though it's not what really happened, he knows that Fíli is going to need a change of pants.

“It's okay, I'm not mad. Accidents just happen sometimes. We'll just go get you cleaned up and everything will be fine,” he whispers back with a reassuring smile. He sits up and grabs his boots and a clean pair of trousers and smalls out of his pack. 

“If you keep the blanket around you no one will know but us,” he whispers again, leaning close so that only his brother can hear him. Dwalin gives him a questioning look from the fire but Kíli just waves him off. Everything is fine and it they don't need the gruff dwarf's help.

Fíli nods with a faint sniffle, hugging the blanket tight around himself as he follows Kíli down to the small stream they'd made camp by, which fed into the massive lake. He's unwilling to be coaxed into removing his clothing though, fingers trembling as they work at his ties. It's only when he finally lets his trousers and smallclothes fall to his ankles that the sticky white mess inside is revealed.

He blanches again with shame and yanks the blanket closed around himself, sinking down into a crouch and refusing to come out. Kíli would think him disgusting and detestable. He wasn't _allowed_ to do this evil thing without permission. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..!" he whimpered on repeat, burying his fingers in his hair and tugging hard to punish himself, hoping it meant that Kíli wouldn't punish him as well.

Kíli recognizes the mess instantly, though he's unsure how to react to it. When Fíli had said that he wasn't ready for such things, he had just accepted that he meant everything to do with sex, including even having fantasies or wet dreams. So, it was kind of a surprise to find out that he'd had a naughty dream.

There are a thousand questions running through his head as he kneels down in front of his blanket clad brother. What did he dream of specifically? Did he dream about him? Did he dream about the night they had confessed everything to each other? Most importantly, why was he reacting like this? Had Dain told him that coming was a bad thing to do?

“Fíli, it's okay, really! It was just a dream and we can't control what happens in our dreams. Those kinds of dreams happen to a lot of people, they've happened to me too,” he tells him gently. 

“I promise that you aren't in trouble. If you want, I can leave while you get cleaned up and changed? I know it can be embarrassing.”

Fíli looks up at him with a red face and watery eyes, rubbing at his nose with the blanket. 

"You're.. You're not going to punish me?" he asked in a low whisper, as if expecting Dain himself to burst from the water with the flogger if he spoke too loud. He bit his already red, sore lip before leaning forward to throw his arms around Kíli's neck, face pressing into his chest. It took a little while for him to get his sobs under control, but, he finally drew back from the other dwarf and wiped his face with the blanket, looking miserably up at him.

"Can you help me.. Please..? I don't think I can get it all by myself."

His face colored with shame again, and he turned away from Kíli to try and hide it, sitting down so he can kick off his soiled clothes. He feels the tacky mess on his skin, too, but that at least he could clean off himself by stepping into the water. 

Fíli keeps his gaze submissively aimed at the ground, fingers white around handfuls of blanket.

"I'm sorry for being bad, Master. I'll try harder to be good."

Kíli keeps his eyes on anything else besides Fíli as his trousers come the rest of the way off, trying to give him some kind of privacy. His brother was embarrassed and ashamed, he didn't need to make it worse by indulging himself.

“You weren't bad at all, Fíli. That's actually supposed to be a good thing when it happens but that um, might be something we should talk about later,” he tells the other dwarf as he grabs the soiled clothing from the ground. He doesn't want to discuss the finer points of an orgasm with his brother half naked and looking like he wants the ground to swallow him up.

“You don't have to be embarrassed. I'll clean your clothes if you want while you clean yourself up? I brought some clean clothes so you can change into them when you're done,” he suggests before dunking the clothing into the stream so he can at least rinse the come away. It wasn't ideal but they would be in Erebor before long and the trousers and smalls would get a good thorough washing when they got there.

Fíli can't help the faint snort of disbelief when Kíli says that it's a good thing, edging towards the stream and slowly sinking into the cold water. He leaves the blanket and his socks on the bank so he can wash, scrubbing his palm across himself a few times to get himself clean before climbing right back out again and onto the soft wool, shivering even from a few moments in the icy stream.

First Kíli says that sex is supposed to feel good, and now coming wasn't bad. He supposed that the other dwarf had always been the one to rut, like Dain, rather than bear the rutting itself. It hurt worse than anything he'd ever felt, and the punishment for coming was even worse. He'd been given permission to come once in his entire time at the Hills, from a disgusting older member of Dain's council, who had earned his favor when his workers had discovered a fresh vein of silver in the rock. It had been wholly unsatisfying, and only served to make Fíli feel even viler than if he'd been beaten.

He was there to be used, not to feel any pleasure.

Fíli pulls his socks back on and dresses in the clean clothes Kíli gives him, albeit clumsily, and remains sitting on the ground with the blanket wrapped around him while the King washes the stains from his trousers, gaze distant and tired.

"Will we reach the mountain today, Master?" he murmured, watching his toes wriggle inside the socks with far less excitement than the night before. His body ached from sleeping on the hard earth after years of rugs and plush pillows, and he yearned for the privacy offered by four walls and small spaces.

Kíli wrings out the clothing, deciding that he's done the best he can for now, before sitting next to Fíli.

“Yep, we'll reach it a little bit later and we'll be able to sleep on a nice bed tonight instead of the ground,” he replies, trying not to think of all the things he needs to do when they get to Erebor. The first thing he was going to do though was make sure that his brother was settled in before he went to deal with the Council. There were announcements that needed to be made and he was sure that Balin would want to tell him about everything that happened while he was away. He would also have to tell his adviser about Fíli's condition and make sure that access to him was limited, per Oin's instructions.

He always knew that being King kept Thorin busy while they were growing up but he had no idea that being King meant there were no days off. A King's work was never done and it was exhausting.

“You'll probably meet Balin and Bombur today. Balin is my adviser and watched over Erebor while I was gone and Bombur cooks for us. The few others of the company can wait until tomorrow, after you've settled in, or whenever you want to meet them,” he'll have to see at least Dori and Bombur first before they see Fíli. He can imagine that both will want to hug the long lost Prince and he's not sure how his brother would react to something like that.

Fíli purses his lips at the mention of a bed, letting his gaze wander to settle on Kíli seated beside him, fiddling shyly with the edge of the blanket.

"I get to sleep on a bed? No more pillows on the floor?"

His tone is somewhat disbelieving, as if the idea of getting an actual bed were preposterous. Beds were for people, not things. Things belonged on the floor unless they were told they could be in the bed when they were being used by their Master.

But Kíli seems earnest in this, and Fíli stares down at the patchy brown dirt in wonder, lower lip quivering. Why was it Master was so kind to him? There was nothing particularly special about Fíli, and he hadn't been able to show Master how obedient and useful he was. There was no reason that Fíli could see for why Kíli was so nice and so patient. 

So he whispered, "Thank you, Master," and hoped that whatever it was, this kindness would last a little bit longer, because when it finally ended, and Kíli turned cruel or grew bored and sold him away, Fíli wasn't sure he'd survive the heartbreak. 

“Of course you can sleep on the bed,” Kíli answers just a little confused. He had just assumed that Fíli would want to sleep on the bed while they were staying in the same room. He had never thought of him sleeping anywhere else, well maybe in his old bed but never on the floor. He had accidentally fallen asleep in front of his hearth once, laying on the rug, and he had woken up stiff and achy.

“It's okay that you'll be sleeping in a bed with me right? I can have a pair of smaller beds brought in if you want your own but still want to stay with me,” he offers. Now that he had convinced himself that they would be sharing a bed again, he really didn't want to sleep separately. They would still be in the same room sure, but it wouldn't be the same as having his brother laying on his chest when they fell asleep.

He make himself content with it though if that's what the other dwarf wanted. 

“You're welcome, Fíli.”

Fíli startles at that and shakes his head desperately, leaning forward to bundle himself against Kíli's chest, fingers clasped tight in the fabric of his tunic.

"No, I don't want separate beds! I want to stay with you!" he begged in a low whine, pressing his face into the hollow of the brunet's throat. As afraid as he was that one day Kíli would tire of him, he was even more afraid at the idea of being apart from him. 

"Master, I-"

Whatever Fíli is about to say is interrupted by a small cough from beside them, and an apologetic Bofur bows his head towards them.

"Not to hurry you, my King, but if we're to make the mountain by nightfall and still have time to stop for lunch, Dwalin says we need to leave soon," he said quietly, taking in Fíli's puffy, red eyes and pale face with a faint frown on his lips. 

“Thank you, Bofur. We'll be there in a minute,” Kíli replies, not noticing the frown on the miner's lips. He was too concerned about the dwarrow in his lap at the moment. He waits until Bofur goes back towards the camp before he looks back to Fíli.

“You can stay with me then and we'll share my bed for as long as you want to,” he says as he smiles reassuringly. He rubs his brother's back for a few moments before he motions for him to stand.

“Hungry? It's the last breakfast we'll have on the road. Tomorrow you'll be asking Bombur for whatever you want and he'll make it for you.” He chuckles, thinking about he'll probably have to talk the chef down from making an entire feast for Fíli once he sees how much weight he's lost while he's been in the Iron Hills. No doubt Dori would also say the same thing and go start fussing over the blond like never before.

As they walk back into the camp, the King doesn't notice the look that Bofur and Dwalin are giving him as he packs the wet clothes into the bottom of his pack. He doesn't know just how easily Fíli leaning against him with tears in his eyes could be misconstrued for something else far less than comforting.

An unearthly silence has fallen over the company as they plod along towards Erebor, with Fíli tucked in front of Bifur and fast asleep from the dose he'd been given before they departed. Whereas the silence the previous days had been comfortable and amicable, this time it's stifling, and finally it's Bofur that speaks up, keeping his gaze focused dead ahead.

"My King.. None of us would dream of accusin' you of forcin' yourself on the lad, especially not in the state that he's in right now," he begins, before choking off awkwardly, unable to come out and say it. Dwalin grunts and wheels his pony around to face the young dwarf, bringing their progress to a halt so he can stare him down.

"Have you done anything with Fíli? Romantically or sexually or anythin'? He's in a fragile state right now and he's in no position to be consentin' to anythin' of that sort. So if you've touched him in any way, even if he said yes, you better be out with it now," he growled, and Bofur, Oin, and Nori manage to look just as stern behind him while Bifur tightens his arm protectively around the sleeping Prince.

Ori just looks shocked, staring between them and Kíli as if he couldn't believe his ears.

"But Kíli wouldn't ever do such a thing, would he?" he protested, biting his fingernails nervously at the mounting tension.

"They both snuck off this morning and when I went to fetch them, the lad was visibly upset and wearing different clothes. And the night before they shared privacy in the tent, only for Fíli to burst into hysteria at breakfast that morning," Bofur said bluntly, his normally joyful face full of hard edges that slowly softened with pity.

"We know how you feel about your brother. It'd take a blinder dwarf than I not to have seen it on the journey to Erebor, or the years since. And as such, we have every right to make sure that you aren't unintentionally pushin' your feelings off on the Prince, and makin' him feel pressured to return them when he isn't anywhere near ready. We'd all as soon as die before lettin' anymore harm fall upon him after all he's been through."

Ori and Nori both look resolved to this, as well, and Kíli is faced with the expectant, staring gazes of six dwarves, all intent on getting an answer out of him one way or another.

Kíli looks at the other dwarves a weird mix of shock, relief, and a tiny bit of anger mixing in his gut.

“No, I wouldn't do anything like that! I know he's not ready! I've been doing my best to make sure that I don't force my feelings on him. He doesn't even know how I feel, I've never told him!” He looks wide eyed at Dwalin, feeling like if he doesn't convince them, the others are going to make sure that he never sees Fíli again. Even if they were doing it to protect his brother, something he was glad to see they were willing to do even if that meant standing up to their King, he wasn't sure that he could handle being forced away from Fíli again.

“We snuck off this morning because he had an accident and we needed to get him cleaned up. Which is why he was wearing different clothes. He was crying because I told him that tonight we get to sleep in an actual bed and he was relieved that he didn't have to sleep on some pillows on the floor. He _told me_ that he wanted to sleep in my room and I even offered to have two separate beds brought in so that we didn't have to share if he didn't want to.”

“I'm not entirely sure what caused that outburst the other morning. All he said was that he didn't want me to take his Bliss away from him.” Kíli shrugged with at, the things Fíli had said about needing the drug to protect him from things, still bounce around in his head.

“Thank you all for trying to look out for him but I think I've gotten pretty good at hiding how I feel,” he pauses for a second before he adds, “well, at least from Fíli.”

Dwalin stares heavily at Kíli for several long moments before he eases back in his saddle, scratching his beard idly.

"Very good, then. We're all glad to hear that we were worried over nothing. It'd be so hard to find a new King, after all."

He's chuckling when he wheels his pony around and they resume their trek, and Ori offers Kíli an apologetic look before following after him, trotting up beside Bifur so he can check on Fíli, who still sleeps deeply under the influence of the drug.

So far it had been a very, very strange morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super protective awesome Company feelings.


	8. What If I Miss You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fíli returns to Erebor for the first time in five years, and Kíli makes a few serious mistakes. Hopefully they won't cost him his brother.

The rest of the ride that morning goes much more smoothly, and lunch goes by with little incident. Fíli is woken so he can eat the last of the food they had and then settled on Nori's pony for the final leg of their journey, though he didn't understand why they insisted on wrapping him in a blanket from head to toe, obscuring his golden hair and much of his face.

Nori does, though, and he keeps an arm wrapped tight around Fíli's waist as they enter the mountain, dismounting and holding the former Prince tucked against his chest while Kíli tells the horseman that greets them that the ponies needed a good wash and brush down. It was essential that they got Fíli into Erebor without anyone knowing he was here, not until he was well enough to face the range of emotions and reactions that would result.

And so Fíli is smuggled up to the King's rooms by Nori and Bifur, though not without some difficulty, as the blond is staring around him in rapture at the high ceilings and intricate carvings as they walk, but, finally they have success, and he's allowed to remove his blanket.

"This is where I'm staying? With Master?" he asked excitedly, looking in circles at the expansive room decorated with warm looking furs and sturdy wooden furniture. The bed is big and covered in warg furs, and the fire is already crackling in the hearth. It smells of home, and Fíli sits down on the fur rug by the fire with a smile on his face, legs crossed neatly in front of him.

"Will Master be back soon?"

Bifur and Nori exchange a look and shrug, the redhead looking a little apologetic as he reaches out to pat Fíli's head.

"Yes, this is where you'll be staying with the King, but, I don't know when he'll be here just yet. He has a lot to catch up on because of his extended absence, but Bifur will stay with you until he gets here, no doubt with Balin and Dori in tow," he explains gently, wincing at the way Fíli's face falls at this news.

Hopefully Kíli wouldn't be too delayed. Surely the busy work could wait until tomorrow, right?

While the busy work could wait, getting caught up and catching everyone else up on their respective news needed to be done right away. There were a few things that he needed to look over and sign but thankfully Balin said that the rest could wait until after he had gotten a good night sleep.

Balin filled him in on the happenings in the kingdom while he had been away and the relations between Erebor and the men of Laketown and Dale. Relations had been non-existent when Thorin had ruled but Kíli had been determined to open up communications again. Erebor had flourished before Smaug had come because Dale had been at the gates.

Bard was still, understandably, wary of dealing with the new King, afraid that the sickness that had taken ahold of his Uncle, Grandfather, and Great Grandfather would claim him next. It had been the hope of both Balin and Kíli that Bard and the rest of the kingdoms would see that he was not like Thorin when he had so easily given away the Arkenstone. 

No one needed to know _why_ the Arkenstone had been given so freely to Dain, just that it was no longer in Erebor.

“Where's Fíli?” Dori asked, confused, as he came into Kíli's official office with a tray of tea and cookies. The King looked between the two other dwarves, sighing deeply and taking one the cups. Dori always made the best tea.

“He's resting in my rooms. He's not...not like he was before. He doesn't remember anything from before the Iron Hills, including the people he knew, and he's almost childlike now. Oin says it's a defense to protect himself from the horrors Dain put him through and that once he feels truly safe, the real Fíli will come out. Dain also put him on opiates to help control him, which we're weaning him off of slowly,” He tells them both. Dori looks truly horrified by what he hears, though Kíli has spared him a lot of the worst details, and Balin looks somewhere between thoughtful and disappointed. It was always hard for him to read his adviser.

“Oin says the drug and being locked away by himself have made it harder for his body to fight illness. So until Oin gives his okay, I don't want anyone outside of the company seeing him, unless they have permission,” he says specifically to Balin, who nods his agreement.

“You're both more than welcome to come with me to see him, just remember that he doesn't remember you. So hugging is probably not a good idea,” Kíli says apologetically to them both. Balin and Dori both nod and they all finish up there tea as Balin finishes telling him about news from around the kingdom.

When they're finally ready to go, the King leads the way up to his rooms.

Fíli's restless and bored by the time Kíli enters the room, bordering on a heavy sulk. All of that vanishes, though, when he sees the King, and he jumps up with excitement and throws his arms around him, beaming with undisguised delight.

"It's so big, Master, it's enormous! I've never been in a room this big before!" he crowed, wiggling like an excited puppy before catching sight of Dori and Balin over his shoulder. Both are staring at him with mouths slightly ajar, and Fíli can hear Bifur standing up behind him, reminding him that there are others in the room besides him and Kíli.

"Master, there are strangers with you."

He whispered this in the dwarf King's ear, eyeing Balin and Dori uncertainly. He ducks his head down to hide his face in Kíli's chest, peeking out shyly every once in a while to look at these new dwarves. Perhaps they were two of the dwarves Kíli had told him he would meet?

“You're right, and they're here to meet you,” Kíli whispers back. He turns to the side just a little, keeping a calming hand on Fíli's back, so that the two older dwarves can see him. He doesn't blame them for shock, he's sure that all the dwarves that went with him to the Iron Hills were in the same state after they had gotten the blond back.

“Fíli, this is Balin, he's my adviser and this is his husband, Dori. He's the one I told you would make you a pair of socks of your own if we asked, remember? He also owns a teashop down in the markets that we'll go see when Oin says it's okay,” he tells his brother. Both of the older dwarves seem at loss for what they should do. Kíli didn't blame them for that either. He was still trying to figure it all out himself.

“Nice to meet you, Fíli,” Balin says with a gentle smile and small bow.

“Very nice to meet you,” Dori joins his husband, although he isn't as good with hiding his sadness as Balin is.

Fíli keeps his gaze on his stockinged feet for a few moments before peering up through his hair, fiddling nervously with the hem of his tunic. Finally, he manages a bow of his own, refusing to take even a single step towards them and away from the relative safety of Kíli's personal space.

"Nice to meet you, too, Master Balin, Master Dori," he mumbled, rubbing his toes a little against the rug before perking up, eyes growing wide.

"You can make me a pair of socks? For me, all my very own?"

His tone is less shy and more excited, now, and he misses the pained look on Balin's face before it disappears beneath his mask of passivity again.

"That's right, F-Fíli. A pair all for you. I'll make as many as you like, and other things too, like scarves and mittens," Dori said as evenly as he could, stuttering with shock when Fíli throws his arms around his neck and hugs him tight. It takes a few seconds for him to regain his self control, but when he does he returns the hug as gingerly as he can, not wanting to break the dwarf who suddenly seems so fragile in his innocence. 

Kíli smiles softly at Fíli and Dori, now he understood what Nori had meant about Dori turning Fíli into Ori. He didn't doubt that soon would be covered in just as much or more knitted things than the scribe had. If it made his brother happy though, he wouldn't say anything, not when it made Dori happy too.

“Scarves and mittens will be nice to have for the winter, especially if you want to go outside,” he observed before remembering about their conversation on the way to Erebor, “oh, Fíli and I were thinking that if it's possible we should have a celebration for Durin's Day this year. He couldn't go to them and the kingdom hasn't had one since we got it back,” he told Balin, who stroked his beard thoughtfully for a few moments.

“Hmm, I will have to look into it but I think it would be possible. It would be good for Erebor to have grand celebrations like it used to,” his adviser smiled at the thought along with the King and Dori. Even if it had to be a small party, he was happy that he could give that to Fíli.

Fíli's smile, if possible, becomes even brighter, and it's Balin he now throws himself into, burying his face in the dwarf's scratchy beard.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" he cries with glee, allowing the older dwarf to embrace him shortly before drawing away and back to Kíli, curling around the King and nuzzling happily against his chest. This leaves the other three free to somewhat discuss the days to come, at least, and the three settle into arm chairs by the fire, Balin and Dori trying not to look disquieted by the way Fíli immediately situates himself on Kíli's lap, head tucked under his chin and a look of utter adoration on his face. Bifur, who had stood by quietly throughout the entire exchange, takes the chance to excuse himself, leaving the three to discuss their plans for their Prince in private.

"You mentioned Fíli resuming his lessons with me," Balin said slowly, hands folded over his belly as he stared at the former Prince, who was currently starting to doze against Kíli's chest. He sighed softly and ducked his head, trying to think if it'd even be possible.

"I doubt he remembers much of what he knew before, if he's in this state. We'll have to start from scratch, but, if Fíli wants to learn, then, I can arrange to meet with him for lessons again each morning. We'll start with the basics and work our way back up."

Dori nods in agreement before fixing a quizzical stare on the King, lips pursing as he tried to figure out his role in all this.

"My King, I must ask. I understand why Balin's services are required, but, I fail to see what I could possibly teach the Prince? I'm hardly an expert or a scholar, and I doubt that Fíli is ready to learn about swordplay or metal smithing just yet. Is there some other task that you would ask of me?" he queried, letting his gaze drift to the sleeping dwarf on Kíli's lap, his face softening at seeing Fíli's thumb in his mouth. Ori had done the same thing when he was small. A comfort reflex, the healer had told them, one that he'd eventually grow out of. But Fíli was full grown. How did a full grown dwarf become so young? What sort of terrible things had their Prince suffered through that left his mind so completely broken?

Dori felt like he was going to be sick if he thought about it much longer.

“Fíli will need to be retaught about how to function on his own and how to act like a Prince. You helped me learn how to act like a proper heir to the throne after he was sent away. I was hoping that you could do the same for him,” Kíli says, looking at the oldest Ri brother. 

“It would be an honor,” Dori replies. The King dips his head a little in thanks.

He hides just how comforting it was to have Fíli in his lap; he's not sure when it happened but feeling his brother's weight against his chest calmed him. He knew that Balin was aware of the love they had for each other but he wasn't sure if Dori knew.

“Oin said that he'll seek out physical affection, so don't be too surprised if he tries to curl up with you,” Kíli says both as explanation for their current position and a warning. He hasn't seen Fíli trying to sit in anyone else's lap, but he did want them to be aware of it.

“And he needs a lot of praise, and reminders that no one is going to punish him for doing something wrong,” he adds in a sigh, mentally ticking things off the ever growing list.

“Oh and don't force him to wear anything on his feet besides socks. One of Dain's punishments involved his feet, so he doesn't like anything on them or anyone touching them. We only got him to wear socks because his feet were cold. And don't mention,” he covers Fíli's ears before he whispers, “brothers.” He waits a second to make sure that he's still sleeping before he continues on.

“When it was said on the road he had an...episode and Dwalin had to knock him out. He didn't remember it when he woke though so it's best not to mention it,” He warns them and tries to keep the echoes of Fíli's words buried in the very back of his mind.

“Anything else we should know?” Balin asks, a little amused at how much Kíli sounds like a nervous parent leaving their child with someone else for the first time, and a little saddened by that too.

“No, I don't think so,” the King makes a face as he tries to think about anything important that he might have left out. He thinks he's covered everything important.

Dori bowed his head to Kíli, looking tired already when he looked back up again. He was to teach Fíli, who had the mind of a dwarfling, how to be a Prince again. He started to compile a basic list of tasks in his head that Fíli would probably have to relearn again, like cleaning himself, and keeping his room neat, and taking care of his braids and his beard. And that was just for starters. He had a feeling that Fíli didn't even know how to properly bathe, or dress himself, or even eat. 

It was a daunting task, but, one look at the sleeping dwarf on Kíli's lap and his resolve hardened.

Fíli had been through unspeakable horrors and somehow survived. The least they could do is teach him how to live again, and make him comfortable.

Still, there was a question nagging at the back of his mind, a muscle working in his jaw as he fought not to voice it.

"My King.. What exactly did Dain do to Fíli?" he asked softly, his gaze still locked on the frail looking dwarf. Perhaps some questions were best left unanswered, but, Dori needed to know what he was faced with.

Kíli looked over both of the older dwarves in front of him with sad eyes, unsure if they really wanted to hear what he knew and unsure if he actually wanted to tell them.

“I don't have a lot of details,” he sighs and licks his lip, “but from things that Fíli has said and injuries that Oin has seen, Dain was nothing but cruel.” He wraps a protective arm around his brother like somehow just saying the other King's name would make him appear in front of them.

“He said he was raped, and at some point Dain gave him opiates to control him. One of the punishments Dain had for him was breaking the bones in his feet, which is why he doesn't like them touched. He wasn't allowed to feed himself and it took a couple of days, but he can do it now, and Oin said he wasn't fed very well, just enough to keep him alive. He said that he had to sleep on pillows on the floor. Other than that, he was probably beaten frequently as punishment. I saw Dain slap him before I gave over the Arkenstone.” Kíli doesn't look at either Balin or Dori after he finishes talking. He understand that there was probably much more that went on but they've never really talked about it. Fíli's had said that he had been tortured when was lucid but he didn't know what that entailed.

“Fíli has been through a lot,” he sighs, feeling the weight of the last five years on his shoulders.

Balin looked as if he were about to be sick, and Dori's face was painfully pale, and the corner of his mouth was twitching, as if he were trying not to march to the Iron Hills and rip Dain's throat out with his teeth.

As if he could tell he was the subject of intense discussion, Fíli sits up a little on Kíli's lap and lets his thumb fall from his mouth, nuzzling tiredly against the crook of his neck. Dori can barely hear him when he speaks, mumbling shyly in Kíli's ear as he was, but he does catch mentions of "hungry" and "supper". Enough to figure out what the young Prince wants, at any rate, and so he stands and offers him a supportive look.

"I can go see to it that the servants send up a nice supper for you both," he says lightly, bowing his head to Fíli. This gets a shy smile from the blond, and he nods and tucks back against Kíli's chest again, watching Dori curiously from this safe spot.

Kíli immediately regrets telling them anything when he sees the looks on their faces but it’s too late to take anything back now. At least he had spared some of the details, like the things that Nori told him. He wasn’t sure if Dori could handle knowing the details of the iron boots on top of everything else.

“You’ll get to try some of Bombur’s food. It’s much better than anything we had on the road and much better than anything Bofur can cook. Though he’s not bad,” he says to Fíli, leaning as far into the chair as he can. It’s nice to be back home, even if that meant he had to get back to work. At least his brother was here with him now and he could sleep peacefully knowing that he was safe from Dain.

“Fíli? Balin and Dori would like to give you lessons if that’s okay? Then maybe one day you can come with me to meetings if you want to? Dori will teach you etiquette and Balin will teach you history, politics, reading and writing. They’ll teach you during the day and then you can tell me what you learned over dinner. How does that sound?” he asks the blond in his lap. 

Fíli takes a moment to digest what Kíli said, and when he finally puts all the pieces together his eyebrows knit and his face falls like a stone.

"You mean, I can't come with you already?" he asked, and Dori, sensing an impending storm, takes his chance to escape, leaving his husband behind to fend for himself. He was a strong dwarf, after all, he could handle a little upset.

It's more than a little upset, though. Fíli looks absolutely distraught at the reminder that he wouldn't get to be with Kíli all the time like he had been on the road. By the sound of it, he wouldn't see him at all until the evenings, and he didn't like that one bit.

"C-Can't I come with you, Master? Please? I don't want to be locked up in this room all alone," Fíli whimpered softly, staring desperately between Kíli and Balin, hoping someone would give him the answer he wanted.

Balin gives Kíli a look that tells the King he was most definitely on his own.

“I'm sorry but you can't come with me. Even if you were ready, Oin said that even catching a small cold would be really bad for you right now. So I need you to stay in here until you get better, and maybe after that we'll see about you coming with me during the day. And you won't be here alone, there will always be someone with you. Balin and Dori will teach you lessons and if they aren't here then either Dwalin or Bifur will be,” Kíli replies gently. He doesn't like leaving Fíli up here all day either but he also can't have him sitting with him during council meetings like he used to sit with Dain. He doesn't want some pet to just be next to him to look pretty, he wants Fíli to be able to sit in with the council and provide insight and ideas like the other members.

He looks to his adviser for help but there's still none to be had. He looks back to his brother with a sad smile, he wants nothing more than to be able to give him what he wants.

“I won't always be gone all day, there will be some days that I can come and work in here. When I can't though I'll always be back by dinner,” he promises. He knows it's not a lot but for right now it's the best he can do. 

“We talked about all of this before, remember?”

Fíli ducked his head and looked ashamed, retreating inside himself with a faint unhappy noise.

"Yes, Master," he said in a subdued whisper, plucking absently at the ties of his tunic and avoiding Kíli's gaze. He'd hoped that the other dwarf had meant he intended to stay with Fíli while he waited to be well enough to go outside. He hadn't expected he'd be by himself a lot, or with only Balin or Dori. 

What if the King was so busy he never got to see him? What if he got scared and there was no one to make the bad things go away? 

What if Kíli intended to leave him in this room forever, like Dain had done?

He doesn't voice any of these fears and keeps his eyes focused on his lap, missing the concerned look Balin is giving him. 

“I'm sorry, Fíli,” Kíli sighs, looking between his brother and his adviser, “I wish I could stay until you could come with me but I have to do my job as King.” He hopes this at least pleases Balin a little because there is nothing more that he would like to do than to stay and help Fíli get better. He knows his adviser would disapprove though, since he's still working to earn the kingdom's trust. Even if earning that comes at the cost of his own brother trusting him again.

“You won't be stuck in here forever, just until you're better. After that, if you don't want to come with me then you can go to the markets or the library or anywhere else. And the day Oin clears you, I'm going to show you around the markets myself remember?” He gives Balin a look to tell him that this _was_ going to happen. He doesn't care who wants to see him or talk to him that day, he's going to take Fíli down to the markets and show him all around Erebor. If the kingdom could survive him going to the Iron Hills, it could survive him taking one day for himself.

“I promise you won't stay cooped up in here and you'll always see me in the evenings, okay?”

Fíli had smiled and nodded that night, pressing even closer to the King to enjoy the warmth of his chest. The dinner that Dori had brought was even better than rabbit stew, featuring Bombur's glazed baked ham and hot potatoes slathered in butter and seasoned to perfection. He'd been allowed to eat his fill before Kíli helped him through an actual, proper bath, with hot water and soap and soft cloths.

If he noticed Fíli crying when he realized all of this, he didn't say anything. Just patiently scrubbed the dirt from his scalp with gently scrapes of his nails.

Then he was bundled into a warm, soft robe of cotton and sheepskin and helped onto Kíli's massive bed of furs, his eyes wide around as he stared up at the high canopy it had. He'd never been in such a luxurious bed before, and he couldn't help but wriggle a bit with delight when he got to slide beneath the covers and tuck himself snug against the King. It was incredibly warm, and the flicker of the fire over the walls was comforting to him, and soon he fell asleep, feeling content in the knowledge that he would get to see his Master every day. That night, he didn't ask for the drug.

But everything would seem to conspire against Kíli's ability to keep his promise to Fíli, and a few weeks later, the golden haired dwarf found himself picking listlessly at his cold food, again, waiting for Kíli to return from his meetings. It was easy enough to pass the afternoons, between his lessons with Balin and Dori. Dori came with breakfast each morning, and sat with him knitting or reading while he lounged through the initial daze of his drug. It had taken much coaxing to get him to take the drug from Dori at all, and not Kíli, but when he was told that he either had to take it from Dori, or not at all, he gave in. After he was coherent enough, he helped him clean his teeth and hair, and taught him how to pick his own clothing out that matched. He learned how to tie a pair of boots, though, he still refused to wear them, and he even learned how to keep the fire banked so that it would warm the room all day. 

Dori taught him how to comfortably use his silverware, and how to tell what time of day it was from the position of the sun in the sky outside the windows cut into the side of the massive room.

After lunch, Balin would come to teach him about the stars and how to tell direction by their position, and the history of the Mountain and its Kings, and the politics that governed it. He was surprised by how it easy it was to pick this up compared to what Dori was teaching him. Fíli gobbled down everything Balin had to teach him every single time, especially when it came to languages. When the old Adviser gave him a book on the Elvish language at their second lesson, and told him it was his, he'd hugged him and spent the rest of the afternoon fighting through it by the fire. He remembered how to read, but, sometimes he still struggled to put the words together in the right way,though Balin told him to start reading aloud, and that helped the words make more sense.

And then, there was dinner. Balin would leave him close to dinnertime, after giving him his evening dose of the Bliss, when Kíli was supposed to return from his many council sessions and meetings with guilds and miners and nobles to spend the evenings with him. The first few nights, Bifur had kept him company while he waited until long after the meal had gone cold for Kíli to return, before finally giving up and going to bed. Kíli would usually join him when it was already quite late, whispering apologies that went largely ignored to a silent Fíli, and would leave before he woke. The bed was always cold when Dori came to wake him for breakfast.

It happened day after day. Kíli didn't once make it to supper with him, and Bifur could no longer spend the evenings with him, either, as Bombur's wife had just given birth to another child, and she needed round the clock care after the difficult birthing, and someone to watch after their other children so she could rest. 

So Fíli spent his evenings alone, in Kíli's room, staring blankly at the pages of the book Balin had given him, without really absorbing a word.

Kíli had _promised_ to eat supper with him. To be there and to talk about his lessons with Balin and Dori, and hold him, and make the bad things go away. But when the bad things came in his dreams, Kíli wasn't there to chase them off, and he languished in the dark alone.

Balin and Dori tried to reassure him that Kíli was trying his best, but he was a young King of an untrusting Kingdom that had already been betrayed once before, and that he had no choice but to be as present as possible when needed. But to Fíli that was all just gibberish. He had experienced little of Kings, other than the cruelty of their touch. He didn't need a King, he wanted _Kíli._

Fíli stopped eating, no matter how much Dori and Oin asked him to, and he no longer paid attention during his lessons. He asked for his drug more often than ever, sinking into unshakeable sulks when he was refused more than what Oin said was safe to give him to avoid another bad reaction. But what was the point, when Kíli clearly intended to keep him here, locked up like a pet as Dain had? There wasn't one. And so when Kíli walked into the room behind a stressed out looking Balin, only a few hours late for a meal that he'd merely pushed around his plate, he didn't even pretend to be excited. 

He was probably only going to yell at him for being disobedient before leaving again, anyways.

When Kíli walks in to see Fíli but his brother doesn't even bother to look at him, his shoulders drop and he starts to chew on the inside of his lip. Balin had come to get him, save him really, from his latest meeting with a group of nobles that were still fighting over rights to the metals that came out of the mines. Balin had said that this particular fight had been going on since long before Smaug came and he was sure it would continue long after they were all in the grave. The King didn't care, he just wanted to knock all of their heads together and tell them to grow up but even with his position he wasn't allowed to do that. So, he'd been stuck trying to find a way to appease both sides.

His Adviser had told him about Fíli's declining health as they had walked up to their rooms. Kíli knew that he was breaking his promise and it had been weighing on him heavily that he still couldn't manage to keep his word. Even a small promise like this seemed to be impossible for him. His brother was suffering for it too, from what Balin had said. The fact that he wasn't eating and asking for his drug more was particularly worrying.

“Fíli?” He asked as he stepped around Balin, leaving the older dwarf by the door. There was a small part of him that was angry with Balin for constantly insisting that he had to do his duty as King, apparently even at the expense of Fíli's health.

“Aren't you hungry?” He says gently as he pulls up a chair to sit next to his brother.

Fíli shrugged when Kíli addressed him, pushing his plate away from himself and folding his hands on his lap. He's staring sullenly at the table in front of him, still hazy from the effects of the dose he'd taken before Balin had left.

"I'm not hungry, Master. Have you come to punish me for disobeying Master Balin?" he replied flatly, still refusing to meet Kíli's gaze. Clearly this was his fault. He'd been an unsatisfactory slave, and so Master wanted nothing to do with him. He had decided Fíli was worthless. 

"Or have you come so that I may warm your bed again this evening?"

At least he was good at that. Kíli always came to him when he slept, so, perhaps he served one use.

“I came because Balin said you haven't been eating lately and I'm worried about you,” Kíli tries. He hates that Fíli still thinks he's going to be punished for something or other. The fact that he also thinks that he's only here to fill the King's bed makes his stomach twist uncomfortably and adds more weight to his already overloaded shoulders.

“You aren't here to warm my bed and I'm not here to punish you for anything. Balin and Dori were actually telling me that you were doing so well with your lessons and you seemed to really like learning,” he praises. He'd really been happy to hear that, hoping that it meant that his brother would be able to join him during the day sooner than they had originally thought. Fíli going back to asking for the drug more and eating less was more than a few steps backward. The more he used the opiates the longer he would have to stay here so that he didn't catch an illness.

“They also said that you've been asking for your Bliss more and you've lost interest in your lessons. Is that because I'm not here like I said I would be?” he asks even though he already knows the answer. He shoots a quick glare over his shoulder to Balin, even though it won't change anything. The old dwarf will still tell him that he needs to be at these meetings even if Fíli truly needs him here. What he wouldn't give to be able to hand the crown off to someone else so that he and his brother could leave and just be Fíli and Kíli.

Another shrug, and Fíli picks listlessly at the embroidery on his tunic, fingers fumbling from the effects of the drug.

"What's the point if I'm going to be alone again?"

He'd loved his lessons, especially his lessons with Balin on astronomy and languages, and the history of Erebor. He loved his book, and he loved to read. But what was the purpose of any of it, if he was going to spend the rest of his life locked up in this room?

Well, at least this Master let him sleep on the bed, instead of making him sleep on the floor, and let him bathe and eat regularly. 

Fíli looks tiredly up at Kíli, only to stop his gaze somewhere around his neck, defeat and resignation etched into every line on his face.

"May I go sleep now, Master? I'm sure you need to get back to your meeting," he said coolly, startling slightly when Balin coughed from near the door. He'd forgotten the older dwarf was still in the room.

"The King is free for the rest of the evening, Fíli. He wants to spend it with you," he prompted, and when Fíli looked up at him from over Kíli's shoulder there was so much desperate hope and need in his eyes it made Balin's chest clench painfully. 

“That's right,” Kíli nodded although his newly free evening was news to him, “I want to stay and hear about everything you've been learning lately,” He says honestly. He knew what both Dori and Balin were teaching him but only in a general overview. He wanted to hear Fíli get excited about the things he was learning. He knew that there were things that he wouldn't understand, like languages he was never good with those, but he was happy to listen if that made his brother happy.

“Maybe over some warm food? I haven't eaten yet either,” he asks hopefully. Either way he's hungry but he also wants to try to get his brother to eat too. He looks over his shoulder at Balin again who gives him a small nod. 

“And we can do whatever you want to. Balin said that you're getting good at reading and that you read out loud. Maybe you could read to me? Or, if you want to go to bed still we can do that too. It's your choice,” he suggests. He doesn't care what they do really, he was just happy to have one night off.

Fíli manages to meet Kíli's gaze for a split second before his face crumples, and he throws his arms around the brunet's neck, face burying against his chest as he sobs. Kíli wanted to spend time with him, to be with him. Kíli _wanted_ him.

By the time Balin returns with some fresh bread and slices of warm ham and cheese, Fíli's cried himself out and is tucked against Kíli in the big armchair by the fire, his face nuzzled into the crook of his neck and his legs curled up on top of his lap. He lets Kíli help him pile the meat and cheese on the bread before eating every little crumb, and between bites he tells him about his lessons with Balin, and learning about where the stars are in the sky, and what they mean and their stories. He shows him his book of Sindarin, and easily translates the words from the pages, alive with energy and excitement.

But as the evening wears on, he grows quiet, and solemn, leaning against Kíli's chest and trying to fight down the lump rising in his throat.

"Will you.. Will you come again for supper tomorrow, Master?" he asks quietly, staring at the flickering orange and yellow flames of the fire and trying to keep the tears from entering his voice. It had taken weeks for Kíli to spend one evening with him. Would it be another several weeks before he got to see him again? 

Kíli had listened carefully to every word, even though they had heard those stories since they were little dwarflings, and smiled fondly as Fíli read from his book. It was so good to see him be so excited after he'd looked so gloomy when he had come in.

“Definitely,” he replies. He can't let his brother keep thinking that he was only here as a bed warmer, and what good was being King if you couldn't tell everyone that business had to be concluded by dinner? The more he thought about it the worse he felt for missing meals with Fíli just because someone just _had_ to have their problem solved right that very second. Even though they had been arguing about it all day.

No, he wasn't going to miss any more dinners for petty squabbles. He would only miss the evening meals if it was a true emergency, everything else could and would wait until the next morning.

“I'll talk to Balin and tell him that I'm not going to miss supper any more. I think even my kingdom can understand that there are more important people that need my attention too,” he says with a smile. Truthfully, he didn't care if they understood, he understood that he couldn't sacrifice his brother for the betterment of Erebor, again.

Fíli lets hope soar in his heart, and he buries his face against Kíli's throat again, pressing as close to him as he possibly can. He wouldn't be lonely, anymore! He'd get to spend time with Master again, and talk to him. He wouldn't be locked up in this room by himself.

He bites his lip against the shy smile spreading on his face, letting his eyes fall shut. Maybe he could ask Master Dori to teach him how to cook. Surely he was well enough after so many weeks alone that he could go to the kitchens for a night, right? He could make Master a special meal, and he'd be so proud of him! He'd be so happy, he'd _have_ to keep his promise.

It's with this thought firmly lodged in his head that he dresses in his soft sleep tunic and trousers and climbs into the bed with Kíli. He willingly curls against his side and burrows comfortably under his arm for the first time in weeks, still smiling.

He'd make something delicious, and then Master would love him again for sure, and want to come back every night even if he did have a meeting!

Kíli sleeps soundly that night, as he had since Fíli had returned to the mountain, and even stays for as long as he can in the morning. He knows it makes his brother happy and it makes him happy, too. It's a nice way to start a day filled with meetings and paper work. 

He leaves after breakfast, when Balin comes to get him to continue his meeting from last night. The King promises to see Fíli at dinner before he puts on his crown and walks out with his Adviser. He spends the morning with the nobles until it nearly comes to blows and he has to have the guards come in to keep them separate. He tells them that unless they can come up with a fair decision in the next few days, he's going to give the rights to someone else and be done with it. Both families like that idea a lot less than trying to compromise so they leave saying that they will get something written up for him to review.

Lunch is spent taking bites of stew as he writes missives to various leaders in his office. He still doesn't blame Bard or Thranduil for being wary of doing business with Erebor but Mahal he wishes they would get over it faster. The afternoon is spent doing much of the same, looking over paperwork and signing his name. When the pile of papers that Balin had given him has dwindled down to a more manageable level, he starts to think that he'll be able to leave early and surprise Fíli. All he has to do is finish just a bit more and he should be able to relax. 

It's not to be though, as the sun starts to set Balin comes in followed by the leader of the merchant's guild and her second in command, and Nori. Kíli rubs his temples because it's never good when Nori shows up with members of any guild, or at all. He only sees his Spy Master when something is going wrong, or will go wrong.

Fíli, on the other handd, floats through the day, struggling to pay attention during his lessons, even though he's actually willing to listen to them once more. Dori agrees to help him cook a simple meal, so long as Oin gives him the okay, and after several minutes of begging and desperate staring, the old healer finally relents on the condition that he only go to the kitchens, and that Dori and Bombur were the only two allowed in them until he was done.

He's smuggled down in a heavy hooded cloak, and when Bombur wraps his arms around him and lifts him in the air for a tight hug he actually laughs with delight, a far cry from his miserable, silent self from a few hours ago.

There's the matter of what to cook, though, and with Bombur and Dori's help they settle on a simple meal of stew and fresh bread. When he's handed a knife to cut up the carrots, it feels so natural in his hand, and his fingers easily close around the handle like they already knew where to go. His chopping is messy, though, and the stew ends up being a mix of irregularly cut carrots, potatoes, and other vegetables, but he's proud nevertheless. 

Bombur is left to add in the meat, which Oin had insisted Fíli was not allowed to touch until it was cooked, and Dori takes him to another table to make the bread. The golden haired Prince ends up covering them and most of the table in fine powder when he knocks the flour over, and his tunic is smeared with butter and milk, but, they manage to get a lumpy loaf made and settled in the oven to bake.

While everything cooks, they settle down for a nice lunch of cold chicken on toast, and Fíli eats every last bit with delight, shivering with excitement for the hours that were to come. 

Dori helps him set the dining table in Kíli's quarters with nice silverware, and candles that have nice smelling oils mixed into the wax are lit to give them a little extra light, the food steaming and waiting to be served once the King arrived. And so Dori smiles, kisses him proudly on the top of the head, and leaves him so that he could have some privacy with his brother to show off the meal he'd made special for him.

That was four hours ago, and now the candles are burning low and the wax is dripping on the long cold loaf of bread. Fíli is still sitting at the table, but the fire of happiness has gone from him, and his head hangs down, hair obscuring his face and the tears that streak it. 

"But he _promised,_ " he told the empty room in a harsh whisper, fingers curling into fists as the hurt and the anger welled up inside him. Kíli had promised to be here, he'd said Fíli was important, that Fíli could expect him for supper every night now!

_But Kings lie, don't they?_ the evil little voice in his head cooed in his ear, and Fíli stands up so suddenly the chair screeches back and tips over with a loud thud. 

Kings lie. All they did was use him, and hurt him as they saw fit. Maybe Kíli was watching him right now from behind the walls, laughing cruelly with Dori and Balin and Bombur at Fíli's naivety and stupidity. 

Or worse. Maybe Kíli just didn't care about him at all. He'd pitied him initially, but now he had grown bored with him and didn't know how to get rid of him. He'd only come yesterday because Fíli had been starving himself, and he didn't want to waste the good money he'd paid for his possession.

Fíli threw the food he'd made into the fire and watched it hiss and sputter with no small amount of satisfaction. He then stole one of the fur blankets from the bed and the pillows and made himself a nest by the fire to watch it, his back to the rest of the room.

This was where he belonged. He was a slave. 

When Kíli bursts into the room a few hours later, Fíli doesn't so much as twitch in his direction. 

The King doesn't mean to break his promise, in fact he's so busy with the problem at hand that he doesn't notice just how much time has gone by. He doesn't notice until Balin has to light candles in his office because the sun has started to set. Kíli wants to leave then but this is one of those problems that needs to be taken care of right now and people's lives are stake. Mostly the merchant guild leader's life and the lives of her family, as someone is setting up to take over the guild and the money it makes.

When an arrangement is finally made with Nori, he promises the guild leader that everything will be fine before he excuses himself. He shoots Balin a worried look before he calmly walks out of his office and breaks into a run when he's around the corner. He knows he's way late for dinner, actually way past late. He's missed it completely.

Kíli doesn't know what he's expecting when he flings the door open but it's not Fíli just sitting in front of the fire with blankets and pillows. He knew before that he had messed up but now he knows just how badly.

“Fíli?” He asks cautiously as he moves slowly to kneel at the very edge of the nest his brother had made.

“I'm so sorry I had to miss dinner,” he says gently. He doesn't bother to say that he was in a meeting because that's the same reason he's been missing every single dinner since Fíli had arrived. He was sure that Fíli was getting tired of hearing it.

Fíli completely ignores Kíli, staring into the fire without so much as a single noise to even signal that he'd noticed his presence at all. He waits several long minutes until he feels that Kíli has been made sufficiently anxious before finally looking sideways at him, his gaze hollow and eyes shadowed.

"I don't care."

The words ring in the air like he'd shouted them, rather than the tired whisper they'd been voiced in, and he feels a vicious sort of satisfaction at the effect they have on the other dwarf.

Maybe if he said it a few more times, then, Fíli would actually believe the words himself.

He looked away once more to study the orange flames, knowing that the room stunk of burnt meat and bread from the ruined meal. He hoped the stench of it seared into Kíli's nose.

"If you wish me to warm your bed from now on, you'll have to make me. I'm tired of being obedient to an absent Master."

He says this just as bluntly, a wistful sort of smile spreading across his lips. That should be enough to finally anger Kíli into losing his control. He'd hit Fíli and yell at him, hold him down and take what he wanted. He would give up on the facade of caring about him, and Fíli wouldn't have to bear his lies and false promises anymore.

At least with Dain, he knew what to expect. But he had trusted Kíli, had trusted him with every piece of himself, and it had gotten him nowhere. So, with nothing left to give, Fíli just gave up.

Kíli feels like the mountain has fallen on top of him with Fíli's words. He looked at his fingers in lap and silently cursed the dwarves that had come with him to the Iron Hills for insisting that he had to be Fíli's new Master. He was a King and he was the one that had the least amount of time to spend with his brother. He should have fought against them harder to get Fíli a better Master, someone he could really trust.

Not someone who just left him alone like Dain had done. Maybe the angry version of his brother was right, he wasn't any better than the other King.

“Sleeping in my bed was always your choice Fíli. If you don't want to sleep there anymore I understand, I won't make you, but you shouldn't sleep on the floor either,” he swallows hard, willing his voice to stay steady. He was a King, after all, and spent years hiding his feelings from his brother, he could use all of that to hide his pain now. He could do it as long as he didn't look the other dwarf in the eyes and see just how much hurt he had caused.

“It's too late now but I'll talk to Balin tomorrow about making sure another bed is ready for you so you don't have to sleep on the floor. You deserve better than that,” he murmurs.

Fíli snorted at this and turned himself away from Kíli so his back was to the dwarf, hiking the fur blanket up over his head to obscure himself completely.

"No I don't. I'm a used up whore. A slave long past any sort of usefulness. If you had any sense you'd have sold me away to some brothel to earn some back on your wasteful investment," he growled, settling down in his nest of pillows and refusing to move. Even if Balin brought a bed, he wasn't going to sleep on it. He was where he belonged, on the floor, with the rest of the dirt.

He wasn't worthy of Kíli's love, or anyone else's. They pitied him, and tolerated him, but they didn't really care for him. And why should they? He was just a useless lump, he didn't deserve their love or their affection. 

Fíli ignored the hot burn of tears against his cheeks when he remembered Bombur and Dori hugging him and helping him with dinner, and Dori kissing him on the forehead, and Balin's fond smile when he saw how happy Fíli was to get the book.

It was just Kíli who didn't love him. Only Kíli whose love he could never seem to earn and hold. 

And only Kíli whose love he so desperately ached to have.

"If you want supper you'll have to go elsewhere. I threw it in the fire. It probably wasn't even any good, anyways. I couldn't get all the lumps out of the bread."

“You made me dinner?” Kíli's lip quivered as he looked into the fire, he had thought he smelled something burnt but he had just assumed it was the wood. Fíli hadn't cooked for him since they had left Ered Luin and he had missed his brother's cooking. The fact that he had cooked for him tonight and probably tried to surprise him made his heart break.

“I bet it was very good,” he chokes. He should be hungry since he hasn't eaten since lunch but the thought of food now was completely unappealing. He should have been here to eat with Fíli and praise him for his hard work.

“You're so wrong, Fíli and I wish I knew how to show you that. You deserve a Master that could show you that and you deserve to sleep on a bed,” he sighs, completely resigning to the idea that he could never be what his brother needed. No matter how hard he tried everything worked against him and he was only sorry that it took Fíli hurting so badly for him to acknowledge his own selfishness.

“I'm still going to talk to Balin about getting you somewhere better to sleep, and if you choose to sleep on the floor after that then it's your choice. I can't manage to keep my promise to be here for dinner but I would never make you do something you didn't want to do. You will always always have a choice, Fíli,” he says steadily, still hiding behind the mask of a King. Kíli won't hear any arguments about this, especially when most of what his brother is saying is just an echo of what Dain had told him.

Fíli shakes his head and pulls the blanket the rest of the way around himself, enveloping himself in the warm fur.

"I've never had a choice. I'm here because you bought me and told me I would have a better life. There was no choice for me," he said bitterly, silent tears rolling down his cheeks.

Maybe he could try running away again. But, no. The door was always locked to prevent such a thing, he heard it click every time Balin or Dori came to visit. There was no way to escape without someone noticing.

Fíli curled into as small of a ball as was possible, shivering beneath the thick fur despite how warm he was. 

"How can I trust anything you ever say or do when you can't even keep a promise. You _promised_ to protect me, just like you promised to spend time with me, and to not leave me alone, locked up in this room! You said I was important, you promised that I mattered, that I was more than just a used up whore from the Hills, and you lied! You lied just like you lied about being with me, and wanting to spend time with me!"

His breathing pitched and started to come hard and fast, barreling towards a full blown panic attack.

"Go away! Leave me alone like you always do! You're a King and Kings are liars, and I don't need your lies anymore!"

For the first time since they had been reunited in the Iron Hills, Kíli wanted to yell at his brother. Not out of anger but out of hurt. He wanted to demand to know if Fíli really thought he had things better with Dain. If he wanted to go back. He wanted to ask if had somehow failed in protecting him. He wanted to yell that he was trying his best, damn it! He never wanted to be his Master in the first place. He just wanted to be Kíli!

He wanted to be angry and to be hurt like he was never allowed to be. He wanted to throw a fit like he would have before they left the Blue Mountains. He wanted to take off his crown and throw it into a wall and watch as it shattered to pieces. He wanted to be a spoiled brat but there was no room for that here.

He was a King to a kingdom that didn't trust him and a Master to his lost brother that didn't either.

“You're right, Fíli,” he starts calmly, “coming here wasn't your choice, it was mine. I really did think I could give you something better than what you had before but I've failed. If being here with me truly makes you that unhappy then you can go. Just tell Balin that you want to leave and he'll set up you with someone you can trust to be around when you need them.” He takes a deep breath before he stands up to go to his bed. His brother wants to be left alone but there's nowhere else for him to go for the night.

“You won't believe me but I never lied to you. You are important and you do matter,” he says gently as he sits on the edge of the bed to kick his boots off. He doesn't feel like changing into his sleep clothes so all he does is remove his outer tunic and his crown before he flops onto the bed.

“And you matter to me more than you'll ever know,” Kíli says under his breath, curling up on the bed.

Fíli physically recoiled when Kíli says he can leave, his voice so calm, as if the idea didn't bother him in the slightest. He stands and shakes off the blanket, staring at the other dwarf with betrayal and hurt lining his face.

"If I am so important, then why can't you even make time to be with me," he hisses, before running to the door and throwing it open. Kíli had burst in so suddenly he'd not locked it after entering like usual, knowledge that he was happy to exploit.

The cool air of the hallway hits his skin and that's all the persuasion he needs to run, limping awkwardly with his feet screaming at every step but refusing to stop until he's gone far enough to feel suitably satisfied it'll take Kíli a while to find him. 

He finds a deep pocket of shadow between the wall and a pillar carved into it and sits, whimpering with how much his feet ache and throb from the grind of poorly set bone as he ran. But he's alone, and there's silence save the faint flicker of the torches set into the wall, and Fíli embraces it, hugging his knees to his chest and burying his face in them with a sound of pure misery.

He was so pathetic. He'd tried so hard to get away from the other dwarf, and now that he was alone, all he wanted was for Kíli to scoop him up and soothe away the bad things like he'd done in the few days before they'd gotten to the mountains. To tell him the nightmares weren't real, and to smile at him, and tell him he'd done good. 

He didn't like this King. He wanted Kíli back.

“Fíli wait!” Kíli tried to call after him but it was too late. The other dwarf was already gone out the door and down the hall. He growled at his own stupidity, he should have known that his brother would try to leave at the first opportunity. Why wouldn't he? It wasn't like he trusted him anymore to take care of him or to be around when he needed him. 

He pulls his boots back on as fast as he can and grabs his coat and sword on the way out. If it was daytime he wouldn't have grabbed a weapon but he knows that even in the mountain there usually isn't any one good wandering around after the sun goes down.

The King makes a distressed noise when he gets into the hall, looking both ways for some kind of clue as to where his brother went. He's a great tracker from all his years spent hunting in the woods but all of that knowledge is useless in Erebor. There are no snapped twigs or footprints in the dirt. There's just hard rock that's been polished to give it a nice finish.

He yells for his brother but they go unanswered. He runs in the directions of the kitchens, hoping that maybe Fíli would go in a direction he knows before calling for him again. All he gets is the sound of a door slamming followed by a very irritated Dwalin.

“Fíli ran off and now I can't find him,” Kíli explains quickly just as the other dwarf opens his mouth. It takes a few moments for that to process before he's glaring at the King hard enough it makes the younger's blood go cold.

“Yes this is all my fault and yes I'm the world's worst King and brother. Can we _please_ save the guilt trip for later and find Fíli before someone else does?” he begs Dwalin.

Dwalin sighs and stares at him for several long moments before shaking his head and turning back to his room.

“Let me get my boots."


	9. What If I Need To Hear You Say It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bofur has a long overdue talk with the King.

Fíli is starting to doubt the ingenuity of his grand plan to get some time away from Kíli. For one thing, he's only wearing a cropped sleeve tunic and trousers, and he doesn't even have one of the nice warm pairs of socks that Dori had made him. He rubs irritably at his stubbly cheek, having, for now, decided he preferred to keep his face familiarly clean shaven, and tries to hug his knees closer to him to gather some sort of warmth. The mountain is made of cold stone, after all, and growing colder as winter slowly encroached on them. He missed the warm fire and his bed of furs.

The beads in his hair clink together loudly, as if to remind him that he still belonged to Kíli, no matter how far away he runs.

He hears Kíli's voice echo down the hallway and shrinks further back into the shadows, muffling a terrified whimper into his knees. There are footsteps coming towards him, now, growing louder and louder as they get closer. It could be anyone. It could be _Dain_ come to steal him away again, come to hurt him! 

When they're almost on top of him, he scrambles to escape and comes face to face with a startled Bofur, who stares as he tries to digest why on earth Fíli would be out here in the dark and the cold on his own. He only has a second, though, before the young dwarf collapses in broken sobs against his chest, and Bofur wraps his arms around him in an attempt to soothe his shuddering cries. 

"There, there, laddie, nothing to be frightened of. Told you we'd all be lookin' out for you and keepin' you safe. Now, how about we get you back to bed where it's warm?" he murmured, picking the sore, exhausted dwarf up like one would a child half his size and carrying him back down the hallways towards the King's quarters. Fíli keeps his arms locked around his neck the entire way, and to his credit only flinches a little bit when he hears Kíli's panicked voice round the corner with Dwalin's and come to a shuddering halt mid-sentence.

"Found him tucked away in a corner, shiverin' like a lamb," Bofur relayed to the King, noting how pale and miserable the young Durin looked. He had a feeling that he was missing some key details to this story, especially when Fíli didn't immediately go to his brother upon being reunited with him.

"Is there.. somethin' the matter, my King?"

Kíli’s knees wobble a little when he sees Fíli with Bofur and if it wasn’t for Dwalin’s solidity, he probably would have fallen to the floor with his relief. It’s short lived though thanks to the looks at least two of the other dwarves are giving him.

He feels like they’re back on the road again when Dwalin and Bofur had been worried about him pushing his feelings onto his brother. Except now he didn’t have any satisfying reasons for what was happening, and the threat of them taking Fíli away from him was very real. He’s somewhere between wanting to grab the blond and lock themselves away, and breaking down. 

The King wants to tell them that he can’t handle this anymore. He wants to tell them that he’s a terrible everything and he’s not nearly as strong as Fíli or Thorin used to be. He can’t handle being a Master and a King while everyone around him doesn’t trust him. His people are still afraid that he’ll succumb to the dragon sickness, his brother can’t trust him to keep a promise, and the Company can’t trust him with his brother.

It feels like he’s drowning under the weight of everyone’s expectations and no one is willing to throw him a rope.

Kíli hangs his head, letting his brown hair shield his face as he clamps his eyes shut. He thinks about admitting his weakness but his stomach turns at the thought of telling two of the people that used to believe in him that he was nothing but a failure.

“Fíli doesn’t trust me because I can’t keep my promise. He told me that coming here with me wasn’t his choice so I gave him the choice to leave and he did. So he probably doesn’t want to go back to our-my room,” he admits to them and if his voice sounds small and lost, it’s because he is. 

If possible, Fíli grows even smaller in Bofur's arms as Kíli's words strike him, and Bofur can feel the young dwarf's tears soaking through the fabric of his tunic. 

"Perhaps... Perhaps if you told the lad how much you want him to stay?" he prompted, raising a pointed eyebrow at the King. He had a feeling that giving Fíli the option to leave was probably just about the same as telling him he wanted him to go. 

As for broken promises, well, he and Dwalin exchanged a silent look of understanding. They had both raised children, after all, granted as Uncles rather than Fathers, but they both also knew the importance of a promise to a child. One broken promise was horrible, but several broken promises? Broken promises created children that didn't trust you. It wasn't like with an adult, where you could give them logic and reasons for why something went wrong, and Fíli had the mind of a child right now. 

"Master doesn't want me to stay. I am a burden to him. He told me to leave, and so I left, and he'll be happier when I'm gone," Fíli whispered, tightening his arms around Bofur's neck. The old toymaker sighed and rubbed his hand in a soothing circle on the blond's back, giving the King another pointed look.

He knew Kíli had little experience with meeting the needs of a child, and Mahal knows how difficult it was to handle a special situation like Fíli. Perhaps it was long since time some of the older members of the company sat him down and walked him through what he would have to do to meet Fíli's emotional needs. 

"I don't want to be alone, anymore. I'm scared."

Fíli whispers that last part to him, so quietly that only he can hear it, and Bofur shakes his head fondly at the young Prince.

"You're never alone, laddie. We're always here to look after you, and protect you from anyone that'd dare hurt you," he murmured, reaching up to grab his hat and dropping it on the blond's head. Fíli jerks with surprise and stares wide eyed up at Bofur, letting himself be carefully settled onto his feet so he can reach up and grip at the flaps.

"This here is a special hat. It'll protect you when you're scared. All you gotta do is hold it tight and one of us will come to your aid, I promise," he told him solemnly, bowing his head to Fíli. 

While Fíli was examining his new magic hat, Bofur looked over his head at Kíli and raised an eyebrow, gesturing at the dwarf in front of him as if to say, 'This is how it's done. Now you try.'

Kíli sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, trying to figure out where Fíli ever got the idea that he wasn't wanted and if Dwalin and Bofur had heard him say that the other dwarf didn't trust him. What was the point of saying anything if his brother thought that he wasn't telling the truth? And what about forcing his feelings onto Fíli? Wasn't telling him what he wanted just guilting him into staying when it made him unhappy?

He looks up at Dwalin who gives him an expectant look in return. He knew that look from his childhood when he was one step from giving up on bow training because he couldn't hit the target no matter how hard he tried. It was a look that told him that he need to try again and just like back then, he wasn't sure if he could do any better than he had been.

“I don't want you to go,” he says quietly to the blond, “I want you to stay with me and you've never been a burden. When you said that coming here wasn't your choice I thought it would make you happy if you had the choice to leave since you're so miserable with me.” Kíli keeps his head ducked as he speaks, not wanting to see that same passiveness that he'd seen on his brother's face that he had when he said that he didn't care.

“I'm actually happier with you here.”

Fíli turns to look at Kíli with eyes that are puffy and red from crying, still watery with unshed tears as he stares uncertainly at the other dwarf.

"You.. You are?" he asked in a whisper, fingers twisting at his tunic belaying his fear that Kíli was just trying to appease him, that he didn't _really_ mean what he was saying. He shrinks a little when the King refuses to look at him, only to startle when Dwalin puts his hand on the brunet dwarf's head and forces it back up so he can look at him.

Kíli certainly didn't seem to be deceiving him, and his expression seemed earnest, if momentarily surprised by Dwalin's actions.

"Do you.. Do you really want me to stay with you?" 

He wanted to hear him say it again, _needed_ to hear him say it again. He needed to be wanted. Fíli just wanted someone to care enough to want him around.

Fíli misses Bofur's encouraging look behind his shoulder, gesturing at Kíli as if to say 'Go on'.

“Yes, of course I want you to stay with me,” Kíli replied before batting away Dwalin's hand halfheartedly. He knows that his other Uncle is trying to help but he wishes he could find a less brutish way to do it.

He looks at Fíli under his own volition this time, brown eyes filled with sadness from the pain he's caused and the thought that even after this, Fíli will still choose to walk away from him. There is a tiny amount of hope though and he allows himself to feel that, to think that maybe they'll end up curled together later tonight. 

“I work a lot, you know and no matter what happened that day I knew that I got to see you at the end of it all. You used to be so happy to see me when I got back. Not a lot of people are happy to see me anymore, but you were and that made everything better for me,” he confesses, his eyes never leaving his brother's. He wants Fíli to believe him about this more than anything else he's said tonight.

Fíli's lower lip quivers and he holds out for one last fleeting second before he's rushing to throw his arms around Kíli, pressing his face so hard into his chest that it hurt his nose. It hardly mattered because Kíli _wanted_ him, wanted him to be around, and wanted him to stay around. He was happy with Fíli, and Fíli made him feel happy, and that was enough to make Fíli happy.

"I just miss you so much.. I never get to see you anymore.. It's so lonely, being by myself, and you.. and you promised to be there, and you aren't, and I just want things to be like the way they were before we got here, and I got to be with you all the time!" 

The words tumbled out of him in a rush, and he tightened his arms around Kíli's middle as if afraid they'd make him angry again and he'd tell him he could leave. He knew he was being unfair, and that Kíli had responsibilities, even if didn't really understand what those were. But he had Kíli first, and he didn't want to share him with anyone else! 

Fíli looks up at Kíli with watery eyes, his face blotchy from crying and Bofur's hat tugged almost past his eyebrows. 

"I don't want to go back to only seeing you at night.. I just want to be with you again, I want to be by your side always..!"

“Then you have to get better, Fíli. I want to take you everywhere with me and I hate having to leave you every day. I have to though. If I took you with me now you could get sick and Oin said that even the smallest cold could kill you. I would rather get to see you only at nights and the mornings than not getting to see you at all,” Kíli says honestly as he pushes Bofur's hat back a little so that Fíli can see properly. He had wrapped both arms around his brother as soon as he threw himself into his arms and keeps one around him as he adjusts the hat. He's afraid to let go completely in case Fíli changes his mind or Dwalin and Bofur decide that the blond can't stay with him.

“As soon as you don't need the drugs anymore and Oin says it's okay you'll come with me every day if you want. When you're all better we'll spend a whole day together around Erebor and I'll show you everything,” he repeats his earlier promises. He's already worked it out with Balin, well he told him it was happening no matter what the council had for that day, so it was already going to happen. They were just waiting now.

“And I know you don't trust me right now,” the younger Durin murmurs, “but I will try my very hardest to come back as soon as I can. Sometimes though, like tonight, emergencies come up and I might not be able to come back until late but I never want to be away from you. I've been missing you too,” he says with a sad smile, he's been missing his brother for a lot longer than just a few weeks.

"But- He let me go to the kitchens today! He said I'm well enough to be out of the room!" Fíli protested desperately, his face already crumpling with misery at the knowledge he had more lonely evenings to look forward to.

He couldn't help needing the Bliss. It protected him from the bad things, bad things that Kíli was never there to chase away anymore. The nightmares and Dain's hands clawing at his skin and the weight of him bearing down against Fíli.

A shiver ran down his spine and he reached up to tug the hat down over his eyes, blocking out the world around him.

"I'm scared. He's here, he's here, inside my head, just waiting for me to rest and then he'll find me again. He always finds me in the dark!"

Kíli didn't know what to say. He hadn't thought about the fact that Fíli would have had to leave to cook him dinner. He might be good enough to leave the room but that didn't mean that he could come with him did it? Wouldn't Oin have said something if the blond was better enough to be around more than just the company? He might not have if he knew about the plans to surprise him.

He would have to talk to the healer tomorrow about it.

“But he can't hurt you anymore, Fíli. I won't let him hurt you again and the rest of the company will protect you as well. And you have your hat too,” he sighs and rests his forehead against the worn leather. The King doesn't know what to do for his brother or what to say. All that he could think about was if he had actually tried harder to put Fíli before the kingdom, he'd be better by now instead of reverting back to how he was before.

“I'm here, and I'll always protect you.”

Fíli's eyes flutter shut when Kíli bumps their foreheads together, fingers shaking until they close around handfuls of the dwarf's tunic. Kíli was safety. He was a chance at stability that he desperately needed. 

"Do you pr- prom..." he trailed off, eyebrows knitting together before turning to bury his face in Kíli's shoulder, still clutching at his shirt.

"Do you swear? Do you swear no one will hurt me ever again? That he.. That he won't ever find me?"

His voice comes out in a shuddering whisper, reaching up to grab desperately at the hat Bofur had given him, the special hat that would keep him safe. He'd never take it off and maybe it would chase away the evil in the dark.

“I swear no one will hurt you again. I won't let them and neither will the rest of the company,” Kíli says seriously, tightening his arms around Fíli. He'd rather die than let his brother get hurt again and if anyone tried he knew he would kill them without a second's hesitation. And Dain wasn't allowed to ever get that close to him again. He didn't care if it did start a war, the King of the Iron Hills was never allowed to come inside Erebor. 

“He can't get you in here. I made sure that the guards won't allow him through the front gates. So you're safe from him. I swear it,” he murmurs. The King had wanted to deny anyone entry to Erebor that was known to have loyalties with Dain but Balin had talked him down to just the other King and his family. Kíli didn't think that Dain would send any ambassadors any time soon but he already worked out with Nori how they were to be handled.

Fíli can't help the relieved smile that spreads across his lips, pressing his face into Kíli's chest and releasing the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding.

"I'm safe in the Mountain. No one can get me so long as I'm in Erebor," he murmured, and while Bofur felt that wasn't exactly what Kíli had been trying to say, it worked for now. Fíli couldn't be allowed outside the Mountain just yet, anyways. As it were, it was better if he stayed with just the Company for a while longer.

"Perhaps, my King, if you're going to be late you could send a message to Master Balin to bring the lad to my brother's after his lessons?" he interjected, shooting Fíli a wink when the blond Prince came out from his hiding place in Kíli's arms to blink at the toy maker.

"It'd be no trouble at all to keep an eye on him, and I'm sure Bombur would be happy for an extra pair of hands to help with the little un's while he makes supper. And Bifur or I can escort him safely back to your quarters at the end of the night."

It would solve the problem of making sure Fíli didn't feel alone or abandoned, and would make it so Kíli didn't have to stress so much about not being there every night. And Bifur really did enjoy spend time with the young Prince.

Fíli looked up at Kíli with silent pleading in his eyes, lips parted and face flush with excitement. He would get to spend his lonely evenings with friends, and Master Bombur would make good food, and he wouldn't have to sit by himself in that dark room! 

Kíli looked between the toymaker and Fíli, liking this idea even if he was a little annoyed that he hadn't thought of something like this sooner. He should have been asking Oin all along if his brother absolutely had to stay in his room until he was better. 

Now that he was thinking of the healer, he would need to make sure that Fíli was okay to be around the kids, or rather that it would be alright to have the kids around him.

“As long as Oin says it's okay first, I don't see anything wrong with that,” he says with a smile. He would still try as hard as he could to be back for dinner but it would be nice to know that his brother wouldn't be sitting alone in their room while he worked. He would be with friends that Kíli could trust to take care of him and maybe Fíli would really like being around the kids. He did worry of course that he might be a little overwhelmed by screaming children but he trusted Bofur and his family to make sure that didn't happen.

“As long as you're okay with being around so many little dwarflings, I'll talk to Oin tomorrow and make sure that he is alright with it too,” he says to his brother.

Fíli's face lit up like a sunrise and he threw his arms around Kíli in a hug, laughing with delight.

"Thank you, Master! I promise I'll be good for Master Bofur and Master Bombur, and I'll play nice with the children!" he gasped, turning around and hugging Bofur as well. He even hugged Dwalin, much to the old warrior's amusement, before he was returning to Kíli's embrace.

"Well, then. Now that's settled, would it be at all agreeable for everyone to return to bed?" he said with an arched eyebrow, patting Fíli on the head and shuffling off back to his quarters where his now cold bed awaited him.

The realization that Dwalin had been dragged from slumber to find him makes his face burn with shame, and Fíli looks up at Kíli with a wounded expression while Bofur nods and beats a hasty retreat, leaving the pair to their privacy.

"Is Master Dwalin mad at me? I didn't mean to get lost, I just.. You told me to go, and I was mad, and I thought you didn't want me anymore, so I left, and I'm sorry I didn't mean to make anyone angry," he whimpered, tears welling in his eyes.

“You don’t have to apologize, Fíli, no one is mad at you. Dwalin is always grumpy when he gets woken up. If he’s mad at anyone it’s me for causing you to leave and get lost in the first place,” Kíli says gently as he shakes his head. He doesn’t think that Dwalin is all that mad at him either but sometimes it was hard to tell. If he was he would be over by morning and if he wasn’t Kíli would get a lecture or a stern look and then he’d be over it.

And he’d never really seen Bofur mad at anyone besides Thorin when he found out what actually happened to Fíli. The youngest Durin had actually been a little afraid of Bofur right then.

“No one is angry,” he smiles, “they’re just tired or at least I am,” he says timidly. He wants to go back to bed with his brother but at the same time he doesn’t want assume he’s been totally forgiven.

“Ready to go to bed?” 

Fíli reaches up to tug the hat tighter on his head - a magic hat that would chase away his nightmares! - and nods at Kíli with all the solemnity of a soldier marching to battle.

"Yes, Master," he hummed, sliding his arms around the dwarf's middle and pressing close to him, rubbing his face in the soft leather of his jerkin, unlaced as it was in Kíli's hurry to find Fíli. Surely with the magic hat and his Master by his side, he wouldn't have to be afraid of the bad things in the dark finding him. 

Still..

"Can we leave a candle burning on the table next to the bed?" he asked in a shy whisper, worrying at his already swollen lower lip. The fire in the hearth gave the room a soft glow, but, the candle would give him a bright spot in the darkness until the sun rose and shone through the vents carved into the rock wall to illuminate the room.

Kíli watched as his brother chewed on his lip and there was an urge to kiss him to get him to stop. He knew he couldn’t but it still brought up old memories about what those lips felt like against his. He can’t let himself think about it too long though, not with Fíli standing right there and expecting an answer.

“If it makes you feel better, then of course we can,” he smiles and hugs the other dwarf. He’d keep all the candles lit if it would help him. The brunet hardly cared how well lit the room was, he could sleep just about anywhere anyway and he slept even better with Fíli there.

“Are you… going to sleep on the floor still? I understand if you’re still mad and don’t want to sleep on the bed with me,” he whispered, “but I like sleeping with you. It’s your choice.” Kíli finishes and rests his cheek on the leather hat. 

Fíli actually flushed at the shy way Kíli asked if he would still share his bed, glad that he could hide the redness in the other dwarf's shoulder.

"I would.. like to sleep in our bed," he mumbled, feeling the heat spread to his ears at how nice it sounded to say 'our' bed. He rubs at his cheeks and pulls away from Kíli so he can walk stiffly to the door of their quarters and enter them, going to his bureau so he can take out clean clothes. 

"I'm covered in dust," he grumbled more to himself than to Kíli, having absorbed, to some extent, Dori's fussiness when it came to being dirty. He pauses when he removes his tunic and catches sight of himself in the reflecting glass, slowly splaying his fingers across the dark, raised skin that curved across his belly and around to his back.

It was the one scar he knew he had borne since before coming to the Iron Hills. The one mark that didn't belong to his former Master (that he knew about, at any rate, as Thorin's whip weals had long since been covered over by Dain's), and he couldn't help but trace it with his fingertips every time it came into sight.

"Master.. Can you tell me about it?" he asked softly, turning to look at Kíli with his hand still cupped against the dark scar, his gaze solemn and seeming much older than usual, "It's the only scar that is mine. It belongs to me, and I am curious to know where I got it."

Kíli knew that scar and it had been years since he had thought about that day. He hadn’t forgotten about it but getting his brother back from Dain had taken up his thoughts.

“You got it in a battle,” he starts as he licks his dry lips, “with orcs and goblins. The Battle of the Five Armies they call it now. You pushed someone out of the way of an Orc blade and took the hit yourself.” 

He can remember it all like it happened yesterday. The smell of blood and smoke, the assurance of Fíli at his back. He had felt invincible as they took down enemy after enemy.

The brunet had gotten cocky then and hadn’t been paying attention when an Orc had raised his blade. Fíli pushed him out of the way but couldn’t get his own sword up in time. It was like time had slowed as Kíli watched the sword pierce his brother. It wasn’t until he put his sword into the creature’s chest that he realized he’d been screaming.

He stayed with Fíli until the end of the battle, calling him an idiot and telling him that he was going to be fine. All while praying to Mahal that he would live. 

Then came the weeks of separation because Thorin couldn’t believe his heir had been so careless as to let an Orc get him. It was also a punishment for depending on his older brother too much.

“You were really brave,” the King smiles softly as he reemerges from his memories. 

Fíli goggles at him as he digests this information before staring back down at the raised scar tissue, rubbing his fingers into it with interest. 

"I was in a battle," he echoed, eyes glowing faintly with the reflection of the fire as moving pictures of flashing blades and flying arrows filled his vision. He could smell the blood and dirt and feel flesh giving beneath his fingers. Could hear the roars of strange beasts filling his ears.

And then the fire gave a particularly loud crack and it was gone, startling him back to the present. He finishes dressing quickly and joins Kíli on the bed, sitting beside him with faint frown on his lips as he reaches out to touch his bearded cheek.

"Master, do you.. have a son?" he asked quietly, looking lost as he traces the line of Kíli's jaw.

"Only, I keep dreaming about a dwarf who looks just like you, but he is younger, with less lines creasing his face and his beard isn't as full as your own."

He tilted his head to the side as he tried to remember the fleeting images of this dream dwarf.

"His hair is wilder, and he doesn't have any braids, and he seems so very young, but he looks.. just like you."

A horrible thought struck him and he recoiled from Kíli, staring at him in fright.

"You're not married, are you?"

Kíli had been lost in the idea that Fíli had been dreaming of him that he lets the remark about his beard slide. He is both excited and a little afraid that his brother is remembering things from before.

“I'm not married,” he says with a small chuckle. He'd almost been once but he had canceled those plans when he overthrew Thorin. The only time he had thought about marriage seriously was when he thought about Fíli. He hadn't thought about what the ceremony would be like but he always wondered what it would be like to call him husband. Those thoughts were never entertained for long, since they always made him sad.

“And no kids either.” He would have to have had a child just after he hit his majority to look like what Fíli was describing.

“I never wore braids before I became King and I had to. I also used my bow and arrow more back then and it's not a good idea to have a long beard and use a bow,” Kíli explained. It was more of an excuse since his beard hadn't really started growing in until a couple of years ago but it was why he kept it kind of short now.

“Being a King has changed a lot about me, I think.”

Fíli stares at him for a very long time before scooting closer, sitting on him and straddling Kíli's belly so that there was no way the other dwarf could escape him.

"I am dreaming about you? A young you, from before I was taken away?" he queried, voice soft but intense with emotion as his gaze bored into the King. Fíli had assumed, of course, that he knew of Kíli somehow before he had left the mountain, but only on the same level as he knew Bofur or Dori. But Bofur and Dori didn't haunt his dreams, not like Kíli did. Sometimes in phantom snatches, but, every time he closed his eyes, it was Kíli's face that filled his vision.

His gaze softens and he lets it drop to stare at the young King's chest, mind whirring with all this new information.

"We were.. We were very close, before I was taken, weren't we?" he asked in a thoughtful murmur. 

"Were we lovers?"

Kíli swallows hard, looking up at Fíli as he tries to decide how to answer. There is no doubt in his mind that if he admits that they are brothers that there would be a repeat of what happened on the road. Bofur and Dwalin's voices were also in the back of his head telling him not to push his feelings onto the other dwarf.

“Well, we were but only for about a day,” he sighs, “we only admitted our feelings the night before you were taken.” They would have been secret lovers back then since his brother was going to get married. Well, he would have if Mysan hadn't turned him down. At least now that he was King he could change how things were ran in Erebor and neither he nor Fíli would be forced into a marriage they didn't want just to add more heirs to Durin's line.

“We were always close before that though. Always watching each other's backs, it was actually me you saved when you got that scar,” the King smiled but he looked down from the brother's face, not wanting to see what he would think about this new information. He knew what he wanted of course but he also knew that Fíli wasn't ready for that.

“We don't have to...there's no expectations...it's fine,” Kíli babbles.

Fíli sits back a bit to try and swallow all of this, fingers unconsciously opening and closing around handfuls of Kíli's tunic.

"It.. Well, it makes sense, I suppose. It would explain why I feel safe when I'm with you, and why I am drawn to you," he murmured, slowly slipping off Kíli to curl up beside him, resting his cheek against his shoulder and looking distant.

The questions he can't bear to voice spins in his head so much it makes him dizzy.

If they had been in love and so close as Kíli says, then, why hadn't Kíli come for him sooner? Why did he wait five years to save him from Dain?

He says nothing, though, and slips his arm across Kíli's belly to hug close to him, letting his gaze settle on the lit candle on the bedside table. 

"I do still.. That is.. I do love you, Master. But I don't think that I am ready for.. well for anything," he admits quietly. His head already hurt at the very idea of them being lovers, never mind trying to imagine actually being lovers again. He didn't know the first thing about being someone's lover, or being loved by another. 

"Will you make it to supper tomorrow night?"

He asks this as a way of changing the subject, hoping that Kíli is not upset with him for not being able to pick up their old lives just yet.

Kíli rests his cheek against Fíli's head, completely unaware of the questions that plagued the other dwarf. He wouldn't know how to explain why he had to wait five years to his brother in a way that he might understand or even how to explain things without breaking down.

“I still do too and I know. We don't have to do anything, I'm just happy that you're here with me,” he smiles. He had never expected to really become lovers after he had broken his promise so it wasn't too much of a blow to be told that Fíli wasn't ready. The fact that his brother still wanted to be this close to him after admitting that they had been lovers once was a pretty good thing in itself.

“Unless an emergency comes up, I will be here for supper. I really want to be here, it was nice being able to spend the evening with you yesterday,” the King says though he's sure that the other dwarf doesn't believe him. 

That was fine, he planned to show his brother that he was trustworthy and that he really did want to be around.

“Are you tired?”

Fíli smiled wistfully at Kíli's reassurances to try and make it to supper, wondering how nice it would be to actually enjoy a meal together. A dull ache settled in his chest that he recognized as doubt, and the realization made his heart feel heavy. He didn't believe in Kíli anymore, not like he had when they had first set out from the Iron Hills. Kíli had broken one too many promises for that. 

"Yeah, I am," he whispered, letting his eyes fall shut and turning his face into Kíli's shoulder. He could still see the warm glow of the candle through his eyelids, and the snug reassurance of the hat on his head was also quite lovely. "I haven't been sleeping well."

He had always struggled with sleeping, something that Kíli would well remember from long before the Iron Hills. Fíli had always laughed and said his mind was just too full of ideas and dreams to get a proper rest, and while this Fíli didn't remember any of that, it seemed his body was ever the same. The nightmares only made it worse.

Kíli does remember those days and there’s a fond smile on his face because of it. He does worry a little that it might be caused by memories from the Iron Hills. His brother has never really said anything if has been having nightmares though so he won’t question it. He would be here, if there were nightmares.

“Maybe you’ll sleep better tonight since you have your hat and the candle,” he says hugging Fíli before he gets up to gather the pillows and blankets that had been turned into a small nest on the floor. They would probably be okay with what was left on the bed with the hearth still going but Kíli still worried that his brother wouldn’t be warm enough. It was probably something left over from making sure that he was constantly covered in blankets while they had been on the road.

“Come on,” the King says as he finishes putting everything back on and pulls the blankets down so that they can get under them. He helps the other dwarf settle first so he can lay next to him and makes sure they’re both covered with all the furs before checking that the candle will burn until at least dawn. 

Fíli tucks himself back against the King's side and buries his head under his arm, sighing as a comfortable warmth settled over him. The weight of the blankets was equally pleasant, and the dwarf made sure he was angled properly so the candlelight was flickering on his face. Maybe he'd actually get a proper night of sleep tonight, and the dark things would stay away. 

He muffles a yawn into Kíli's tunic and closes his eyes, snaking an arm over the taller dwarf's chest again so he can hold himself close.

Maybe Kíli really would make it to dinner tomorrow. Though, he supposed, spending the evening with Bombur and Bofur and Bifur wouldn't be so awful. Bombur made good things for him to eat, and maybe Bofur would teach him how to whittle. It'd be fun to whittle, if he was any good at it. 

He could whittle something nice for Master, and then he would love him again, like he had when they had been journeying to Erebor.

Kíli sleeps soundly that night with Fíli next to him and knowing that he still loves him. He has a dream that night that he hasn’t had since the night he found out that his One loved him back. They were back in Ered Luin, except there was no Thorin telling them to act like the heirs of Durin and no one to tell them that being together was wrong. It was just Fíli and Kíli in their cabin, living happily like he always wanted.

In the morning he stays for breakfast and happily eats a few helpings of sausage and eggs. He had totally forgotten to eat dinner with last night’s events so he was extremely hungry this morning. He gives Fíli a sad smile before he leaves for the day with Balin. Of course the older dwarf had heard about what happened thanks to Dori and Dwalin. The King wasn’t really surprised but he could have done without the severely disappointed look so early in the morning.

At least there’s no Nori today so that automatically makes his day better than yesterday. The rest of the day is the typical meetings with guild heads and nobles that need something or other solved. The rest of the day is spent looking over missives and proposed laws while snacking on bread and cheeses. 

Balin is the one to announce that Kíli can be done for the day just an hour before dinner. The young Durin is grateful for the news and runs nearly all the way back to their room.

He stops before he enters though, wondering if Fíli would actually be happy to see him again. He wants to make his brother happy and he hopes the new arrangement will help.

“Fíli?” He asks as he walks in.

Fíli had been just about to accept that Kíli wouldn't be coming for supper once more, sitting by the fire with his book on the constellations of Middle Earth in his lap, staring at the pages without really seeing any of the words. It had been a long day, though he'd enjoyed Balin's lessons about the history of the forging of the dwarves by Aule, filled with the inevitable ache of disappointment he knew would conclude the evening. Even so, he couldn't help but hope, putting on his nice tunic and trousers, and getting Dori to help redo his braids after his bath that morning.

He expects it to be Balin when the door opens, come to take him to Bombur's for supper, so when he looks up and sees a breathless Kíli standing in the doorway, his face twists into an expression of pure surprise.

"Master," he replies stupidly, gawking at the other dwarf as if he couldn't believe he were really there. And then he's lighting up like a sunrise and across the room in a few quick steps, throwing his arms around Kíli's neck and burying his face in his chest.

"You're here, you're really here!" he cried, clinging to him tight as if afraid he'd disappear.

Kíli smiles wide as he wraps his arms around Fíli, happy with how excited he looks to see him. It makes the last few hours spent reading papers so much better.

“Yep, I’m here like I said I would be. The rest of my papers can wait until tomorrow, and I couldn’t wait to see you,” he murmurs. He’s still smiling when he pulls back a little to look at the other dwarf. His brown eyes are tired but there’s a hint at the carefree dwarf he used to be in them too.

“What were you reading? A gift from Balin?” He asks as he spots the discarded book. With a little time before supper still, he guides them both over to sit in front of the fire, keeping an arm around Fíli.

He already feels the load on his shoulders getting lighter. In their room he had always found a sense of peace in being able to shut the world out. Now that he had his brother here with him, he could almost forget about it entirely. He didn’t need to be a King, he just needed to be Kíli.

“Did you have a good day?” 

Fíli situates himself in Kíli's lap, curled up against his chest with the book hugged close to him, his gaze adoring. 

"It's a book on the stars. Master Balin said I should start learning all the constellations, and gave me the book so I can study them even when he is not here for lessons," he whispered dazedly, still not quite sure he can believe Kíli is really here and afraid to speak too loudly and end the hallucination. 

Maybe he'd fallen asleep by the warm fire, and he was dreaming that the other dwarf was here. Either way, he was happy, and he nuzzled his face under the King's chin.

"Master Dori helped me fix my braids, and he even taught me a little bit how to knit, so I can make my own things!"

For a dwarf that had nothing, save what little was gifted to him by his friends, the idea that he'd be capable of making things for himself was extraordinarily exciting. Granted, his first attempts at knitting resulted in lumpy, uneven rows, but, Dori said he'd learn with time. It was good for strengthening the fingers and wrists, too, the older dwarf had said, and Fíli flexed his hand around the book at the memory of it.

He could make Kíli a gift, too, and then the dwarf would love him again.

It was perfect.

Kíli wrapped his arms around Fíli as he spoke, resting his chin on his head. He could only smile as he heard about Dori fixing his brother’s braids, imagining the old dwarf being just as fussy with Fíli as he was with Ori. At least Dori was patient enough to help reteach the blond what he needed to know.

“Sounds like a good book and you’ll be making all of your own socks soon,” he hummed. He could almost see their room stuffed full of knitted socks and other things. It would be good for the winter and the natural coolness of the inside of the mountain.

He did start to wonder if maybe they should be talking to him about wearing shoes. The King thinks that eventually Fíli will have to and with going back and forth to Bombur’s it might have to be sooner rather than later. 

Not tonight though. Tonight he just wants to sit with his brother and not worry about the future.

“Sounds like you had a good day then,” Kíli smiles. 

"A very good day," Fíli echoes in a tiny voice, closing his eyes and drinking in the moment. He harbored no delusion that this would happen every night. He doubted it'd happen again for a long while, and he wanted to memorize every last microsecond of it for when he was lonely and missed the other dwarf.

They sit in comfortable silence for a while, Fíli tucked up against Kíli's chest in his arms, the heavy book on the stars cradled in his lap. The spell is broken, though, when the servants arrive with supper, all startled to see that it wasn't just a thoroughly unhappy Fíli in the room for once. 

"My King, is there anything else you require?" one of them, a dwarf named Dashaw, the personal servant to the Crown, asked slowly, bowing his head to where the Durin sat with his brother held a little closer than any of them expected. Fíli's impossibly blue eyes settle on him from where he was pressed against Kíli's chest, and Dashaw bowed his head again. 

Fíli was special to them all. Their Martyr Prince, their fallen King. Even if Fíli didn't quite remember.

Kíli smiled at Dashaw and the others that came in to deliver their dinner. Maybe he should be worried about how close he and Fíli are sitting right now but he hardly cares. Besides, they didn’t seem to care too much.

“No, I don’t think we need anything else. Thank you,” he smiles at them as they leave. He knew at the moment that his brother was far more trustworthy in the eyes of the kingdom than he was. The King couldn’t blame them at all, Thorin had made a crucial mistake by lying about what happened to Fíli.

Kíli did hope that people would trust him with the golden haired dwarf by his side though.

“Come on let’s go eat, I’m starving,” he states as he moves to stand and helps Fíli up. He stays close as they go to sit and even moves his chair to sit on the same side as his brother. 

Fíli leaves the precious book by the fireside, where it wouldn't get food on it, and joined Kíli at the table with a beaming smile on his face, eyes wide at the food set out before them. There was honey glazed ham, and the potato mash with butter and garlic that he loved, and ears of corn on a platter with a bowl of fruit chunks not far away, and a big plate of fresh baked bread. All his favorite things, and he had to wonder of Bombur had known Kíli would be making it to supper that night and made this all special.

He's quite fastidious in his eating, though, and he eats quite neatly, partially influenced by Dori, and by his own desire to keep his pretty new clothes clean. He hadn't been allowed to wear clothes in the Hills, and so each article was special to him, and he cherished each one. 

Fíli enjoyed getting to savor every single bite, as well, and so he ate slowly and methodically, mixing different things to try and create a new flavor, and especially enjoying piling ham on the bread with a variety of cheeses and other strange things. It meant that he took much longer to eat than virtually anyone he ate with, but none of them could really fault him for being slower when he looked so happy doing it. Like his clothing, food was special, and something that should be cherished and enjoyed.

He avoided the ale, though. Before the Hills he had loved his ale, like most dwarves did, but since his return he wouldn't touch a drop of it no matter what anyone said or how it was given to him. When asked to explain he simply ignored the question, but it wasn't hard to miss the way he avoided the company of anyone he knew to be drinking. It hadn't taken long for Balin and Dori to figure this out, and consequently request that no ale accompany the meals to this room any longer, even for the other dwarves besides Fíli. Whatever had happened to result in the dwarf's aversion to the drink was unknown, but, they all wanted to do their best to make him comfortable, even if they didn't quite understand.

It seemed that this meal, ale had accidentally been sent up with the pitchers of water and milk, and Fíli glanced at it occasionally, watching it like a python ready to strike. Sure, Kíli had not eaten with him once since coming to the mountain, but he had to be aware that ale was bad... right?

Kíli was one of the people that liked watching Fíli enjoy his food so thoroughly. It was totally opposite of how he was eating right now. He was happy to shovel food in his mouth to get it into his stomach faster. He hadn’t really had lunch and spent the afternoon snacking to tide himself over, so he was pretty hungry.

He didn’t miss they way Fíli kept watching the ale like it was going to attack, either. He didn’t really drink any more, having stopped completely when his brother was sent away and he was made Heir. He couldn’t do what Thorin demanded of him and drink and he needed a clear head to make plans to take the throne. Since then he’s simply been too busy and even on special occasions he only had one or two drinks knowing that he would still need to be up early the next morning. Dealing with nobles and guild heads could be hard enough without adding a hangover to it.

“It’s just ale, Fíli. You can have some if you want,” the King offers, unsure what’s causing his brother to act like this. No matter what Balin and Dori thought, neither of them had informed him of the blond’s aversion to ale.

Grabbing the pitcher, he pours some into his own mug and shows it to the other dwarf.

“See? It’s just a drink.” 

Fíli flinches away from the mug of liquid like it was on fire, actually moving himself over a chair to be farther away from it and staring at Kíli as if he'd grown a second head.

"It's an evil thing. It makes bad things happen, it makes you bad and it makes you mean," he hissed, looking like a cat that had been thrown into a tub of water. He ducks down low and crawls away from the table, deciding he wasn't very hungry anymore with the bad thing sitting right there near the food, and returns to sitting by the fire, hugging his book protectively to his chest.

With one hand he reaches up to tug at the hat that had been perched on his head the entire day, watching Kíli warily from behind his knees. Dori and Balin had both been surprised to see him wearing Bofur's hat, of course, but they took it in stride as they had with many of Fíli's new quirks and eccentricities. Especially when he told them it was a magic hat that would protect him against bad things.

And now he was hoping it would protect him from the Evil in the pitcher on the table, and in the mug in Kíli's hand.

He could only hope that Kíli didn't actually _drink_ it. Fíli shuddered at the very idea.

Kíli pushed the mug away from him, watching as Fíli moved back in front of the fire. He doesn’t know what happened but the only thing he can guess is that Dain was one of the people that got mean, or meaner, when he drank. The brunet was the opposite of that but he was sure that it didn’t matter to Fíli.

He leaves the rest of the meal behind too, more focused on making sure the other dwarf was okay. They way he clutched his book and pulled on his hat had the King worried.

“I won’t drink it if you it makes you uncomfortable and I’ll make sure they don’t send it up here again,” he says as he kneels near his brother. The way Fíli had moved so far away from had him second guessing if he wanted to be as close as they usually were.

“You and I used to enjoy drinking together but something bad happened in the Iron Hills, right?” He questioned even if he was unsure that he really wanted to know what happened. The more he learned about what Fíli went through, the worse he felt and the more he blamed himself. 

Fíli's eyes flit between the book in his arms and Kíli's face, belying his uncertainty at telling him why he was so displeased with the presence of the ale. He mumbles something incoherent and lets his head droop a little, tugging on the hat until it hung low over his eyes.

"Master would hold great parties for his elite, trusted nobles and his council, and there would be lots of ale, and then I would be the entertainment," he said finally, rubbing his stockinged toes together and refusing to look at Kíli. 

Dwarves that would look at him with disdain, disgust, or even pity when sober would become far less adverse to taking advantage of Dain's offers to play with his toy when deep into their cups. Of course, many of Dain's closest allies and council members had already partaken of Fíli when it'd been offered, but those that had politely declined their King's special gift would find themselves much more accepting with ale to loosen their belts and their morals.

Dain was the cruelest of them all when he had been drinking. Fíli still had the scars to show for it. 

"I don't mind if you want to have an ale, Master. I'll just.. sit over here and read until you're done."

Kíli sighs, understanding now why Fíli called the drink evil. He probably would too in the same situation.

“It’s okay. I don’t really drink anymore,” he says and scoots a little closer. Even if he did he wouldn’t now, knowing what he does. He wants Fíli to trust him again too and he’s sure that if he did even have just a mug he wouldn’t come near him. He doesn’t want that, he likes that the other dwarf wants to sit in his lap whenever they’re together.

“Besides I want to sit with you,” he says gently as he carefully pushes his brother’s magic hat back just enough to see his eyes. Kíli gives him a reassuring smile when he sees those blue eyes that he loves and have haunted him for five years.

“You can still read your book if you want though. Maybe you could even read it to me?” The younger dwarf asks. He remembers being told that reading out loud helped Fíli and he wouldn’t mind listening. It’s been a long time since they read a proper book together.

Fíli looks shyly up at Kíli from under Bofur's hat, lower lip disappearing between his teeth as he worried it, before finally nodding and sliding the rest of the way to settle on Kíli's lap, neatly tucking himself between his splayed legs so he can lie back against his chest. He opens the book to where he's marked the page, squinting so he can focus on the words. Sometimes they swam a bit, and it took a little for him to focus and get them to form order on the page.

His reading hadn't improved much since the passages he'd described to Kíli a few nights previous from his book on the Elvish tongues, and there's a lot of long, complicated phrases and words in this one that trip him up, but he's determined. He reads him the stories of the Two Lovers in the sky, and of the Great Lion, and the Big Bear and Little Bear, which are all his favorites, and his voice gets steadier, and more confident, the longer he talks. 

It's easy, just sitting here with Kíli and reading him stories. Far easier than the mathematics that Balin had tried to get him to do for a bit together, and much more enjoyable. It felt natural, like he'd done it before, and it's long after the heavy bells of Erebor strike to announce the peak of the night that he finally realizes how thirsty he is, and how tired he feels. 

Fíli can't give voice to his uncertainty until they're dressed for bed and the candle is lit on the table, tucked against Kíli's side and watching the tiny flame dance on the wick. 

"Will you be here tomorrow, Master?" he asked in a low whisper, trying not to sound as sad as he felt at the realization that he probably wouldn't. 

Kíli sighs with his brother’s question. He knew that this was going to come up but he had hope to put it off until maybe tomorrow morning. It was such a good night and he hated to ruin it now.

“No Fíli, I won’t be,” he says apologetically, “I have a meeting in Dale tomorrow with Bard and I’ll be gone most of the day.” He needs to be in Dale tomorrow to talk with Bard and show him that he isn’t his Uncle, but at the same time he really wished that he didn’t have to be. There are a hundred other things that he would rather be doing with Fíli than sitting with Bard in Dale.

Actually, he’d like to show Dale to his brother. Five years has done wonders for the city and it's hardly the pile of ruin that they had first seen when they had come to Erebor.

“So you’ll go with Dori to Bombur’s after your lessons and you’ll get to see all the kids and Bofur and Bifur. You’re going to have fun with them I think and I’ll come and get you when I get back. I know it’s not the best, but it’s okay right?” The King asks hopefully. 

Fíli exhales softly and lets his eyes fall shut, trying not to be ungrateful or grumpy. Kíli didn't have to do any of that for him, and could have insisted he sit in the room again until he got back.

"It's better than being here alone," he admitted, finally, turning so he can tuck his face under the King's shoulder, burrowing into him. Perhaps Bofur would have more songs to sing like he had on their journey, and it would be nice to see Bifur again. He hadn't seen the old warrior since the birth of Bombur's newest child, and he'd missed spending time with him. And Bombur would have something good for supper. 

He couldn't remember ever being around children, though, and he was worried he would do something bad, or hurt them. How was one even supposed to act around a baby? 

On this, he remained silent, muffling another sigh into Kíli's armpit. 

"I miss you."

“I miss you too,” Kíli replies softly, running fingers through the unbraided parts of Fíli's hair. He wondered if it was possible for them to back on the road again so that they could spend all day together. He didn't know where they would go but it sounded like a good idea. Maybe to Mirkwood where his brother could show off his knowledge of Sindarin. It wasn't as far away as the Iron Hills but they could take their time on the road again.

“You'll be good with the kids and if you need help Bofur and Bifur will be there too. In fact they might do a lot of the care taking until you feel comfortable,” he thinks out loud. The Urs were a kind bunch and having dealt with Bifur's injury, he didn't doubt that they would look out with Fíli and make sure that he was okay around the dwarflings.

As far as the baby went, he was sure that she wouldn't be spending too much time away from her mother.

“You probably won't have time to miss me too much when you're running around with the oldest children,” he says gently.

Fíli nods and the conversation lapses into comfortable silence, but it's long after Kíli's breathing has slowed into a gentle ease of his chest that he finally finds sleep, nervous as he is that he'll do something to upset or hurt one of the children or his friends.


	10. What If I'm Stolen Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fíli goes missing and Kíli gets a long overdue kick in the ass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guest starring Bofur, expert ass kicker of the Line of Durin.

It turns out Fili's concern is for nothing.

He's anxious and skittish when Balin brings him to Bombur's home that night, dressed from head to toe in blacks and blues with a hood pulled up to obscure his blond hair before the hat is plopped on top. He'd been unwilling to wear boots, but had at least let Dori talk him into wearing leather soled slippers that protect him from any sharp rocks or things that would cut his feet even with the socks. They come off the second he's through the door, though, and Fíli has roughly a second to be afraid before Bifur is hauling him in for a full body hug, chattering away in his language that he's happy to see him again after so long.

Everything after that is such a whirlwind he doesn't even notice Balin take his leave, tugged by Bifur into the cozy home to be introduced to everyone. He immediately forgets the names of all the children, rattled off in a blur by an excited Bombur, but he does remember the name of his newborn daughter Gerta, watching the older dwarf puffing up proudly when Fíli comments on her wisps of ginger chin hair and the full head of soft orange fuzz. His wife Berta is resting comfortably in an arm chair by the fire, and she smiles warmly at Fíli when he shyly asks if he can hold the infant. 

He's settled onto the couch and Bofur helps position his arms the right way before she's settled in them, showing Fíli how to cradle her head gently in the crook of his elbow. He stares down at her open mouthed, watching the way she coos and wriggles. Fíli had never seen anyone so small before, and he doesn't even notice the fond looks he's getting from the older dwarves in the room as he beams with delight when Gerta grabs his finger and pulls it to her mouth to gnaw at with bony gums. He even gets to help feed her, tipping up a warm bottle of goat's milk so she can suckle greedily. 

When Kíli comes to pick him up that night, he's fast asleep on the rug by the fire, the infant resting against his chest and tucked safe in the ring of his arms.

It makes it easier for him to go back the next night, and the next, knowing that he would at least be welcomed and wanted by the big family. More so than, it seemed, Kíli wanted him. Fíli had expected Kíli would be busy, but as the weeks went by, the King's already infrequent suppers with him became even fewer, he couldn't help but sink into a melancholy once more. He continued to complete his lessons and did not request the drug any more than usual, but, a quiet had settled over his usual exuberance, and he smiled less and less, except for when he got to spend time with the baby and Bombur's other children. 

Perhaps that was why he was so invested in finishing the incredibly lumpy scarf that he had started under Dori's tutelage. It was made of blue yarn that matched the blue of Kíli's formal court attire, and even at Bombur's now he sat in front of the fire and determinedly worked his way through it despite dropping several stitches. Even with his moodiness, his time at Bombur's had always gone spectacularly well, until today when his youngest son Frobur ran in screaming about how his older brother had stolen his favorite toy. In his distress, he had forgotten his father's instructions that 'brother' was a word to always be avoided around Fíli, as it made him very sad and he didn't want to make Fíli sad. He immediately recognized his mistake and apologized, but, it was too late.

The iron knitting needles clattered when they hit the stone hearth, and Fíli's pupils had shrunk to pinpricks when he turns around to stare at the young dwarfling, his teeth bared in a silent snarl. Berta screams for her husband, hauling herself from the chair to put herself between the blond and her son if she had to, but she needn't be concerned, for Fíli's rage was entirely for Kíli, and not seeing the brunet dwarf nearby he did the only logical thing in his mind - he ran straight for the door and out it.

Kíli was in the mines today, getting a tour of the ones that they were still clearing after Smaug had claimed Erebor. He trusted the miners to clear the rubble quickly and safely but it was good to come down here and check things for himself and get an update. There were still tunnels that would need more work before they could be mined again but the Supervisor was confident that it would happen soon.

The King didn't look at the veins of gold running through one tunnel as they went through it. It wasn't out of some worry that he would be attracted to the metal like his Uncle was, truthfully gold didn't hold that kind of sway over him, but because it made him think of Fíli. His mind started wander as he wondered if his brother was having a good time with the Urs and if he missed him. The brunet knew that he should be up in their room with him but he really did need to be looking over the mines.

He did love seeing his brother with baby Gerta though. The first night that he went to pick him up, he had fought with himself about whether or not to wake Fíli. He had looked so adorable sleeping with the baby. Kíli had no doubts that he would have been a great father and wondered what his children would have looked like if had a few with Mysan.

His thoughts were interrupted though by a breathless, and slightly relieved, Bofur. He pulled the King aside to tell him that Bombur had just informed him that one of his sons had accidentally said Fíli's bad word and now the blond was gone. The mustached dwarf had ran down here to make sure that the other dwarf hadn't found him, since what happened on the road was still fresh in his mind.

Fíli wasn't down here though which meant he could be anywhere else in the mountain looking for the one person he blamed all his problems on. They couldn't be sure if the angry side of Fíli remembered the layout of the mountain, but the child like version certainly wouldn't when, or if, he came back. 

Kíli sent Bofur ahead to find the other members of the company to find the missing Prince but told him to keep everything quiet. They didn't want the wrong people getting wind of the fact that Fíli was missing. He was about to excuse himself from the meeting with the miners when Bofur hissed that it might not be safe for him to leave. The last time the blond had been triggered, he had only been saved from his anger because Dwalin held him back.

The King dismissed this, saying that by the time they found him he probably would have reverted back to his child like state anyway. In reality, Kíli knew that he had earned whatever punishment his brother saw fit. 

With Bofur gone, he gave a quick overview of what he thought still needed to be done before excusing himself and starting to make his way out of the mines.

While the murderous side of Fíli did remember the layout of the mountain, Kíli did have it in his favor that the blond dwarf had absolutely no idea where to start looking for him. Even in his childlike state he hadn't been privy to Kíli's day to day routine, other than his council meetings, but he figured the King's room was a good place to start.

And so he stalks through the streets, Bofur's hat thankfully obscuring the majority of his otherwise quite distinct golden hair so that none of the dwarves he passes spare him a second glance. Even with the facial hair he'd finally started to let grow in, lacking his distinct braided mustache meant he was indistinguishable from any other fair complexioned dwarf, rare as it was to have such yellow hair.

But even with this to aid him, Fíli doesn't make it out of the city of dwellings when he's grabbed, and while is rage gives him blind strength he didn't normally have, he's unable to fight off the arm that loops around his throat and cuts off his airway until his vision spots and goes black. The last thing he sees before waking up in a cramped, dusty basement is a dwarf sprinting over the roof of the building in front of him and another staring straight at him, his hair shaped into three odd peaks.

When he wakes the rage is gone, leaving him confused and scared and trembling in the tight rope bindings, blindfolded and gagged and cut off from the world. He didn't know where he was, or how he had gotten there when only a moment before he'd been working on Master's gift by the fire, Bombur's dinner warm in his belly.

Panic sets in and he remembers all too well the dark, dark room and soon there would pain, so much pain, and fear. There was always fear.

He retches and whoever has taken him barely gets the gag out of the way before that meal is coming up onto his lap, soaking into his trousers and making him gag all the harder with disgust. Fíli doesn't even get a chance to ask where he is before the gag is shoved back in his mouth and he sobs, tears staining the blindfold covering his eyes.

"I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw you. The lost Lion Prince, a willing martyr for his people executed for treason when he tried to take the throne from his mad Uncle. I'd heard the rumors that you'd returned, that you'd really been sold into slavery in the Hills and the King had gone to buy you back and that was why he was gone months ago, but I didn't really believe them. And yet here you are, in all your golden glory," came an oily sounding voice that sent shivers down Fíli's spine. He closed his eyes and tried to duck himself inside the hat on his head, desperately wishing for Kíli to come and save him. It was a magic hat. Bofur had promised that all he had to do was hold the hat and think really hard, and they would always find him. This was the last hope he had to cling onto.

"I bet there's a few people in the Hill that would pay quite a pretty penny to get you back."

Fíli nearly choked on his tongue, his body going stiff and jerking away from the voice, scooching as far away as he could and only getting as far as the stone wall behind him. His captor laughs, an ugly, wheezing thing, and strong fingers grip his chin and twist his face this way and that. The foul stench of his breath fills his nostrils, and he has to fight the urge to gag again.

"It'll be the best thing the Line of Durin ever did for me. The madness of your family cost me my family and my livelihood, but you.. the wealth I gain from selling you will give me all that and so much more. So sit still, bitch, and behave yourself. I'd hate to have to accept a lower price because you're damaged g-"

There's a loud crash, the fingers on his face are wrenched away, and Fíli hears the distinctive sound of blades sheathing themselves in flesh before the room goes eerily silent. He shivers and pushes himself hard against the wall, his breathing becoming panicked as footsteps approach him. When the blindfold is wrenched away his vision is filled by Nori's familiar face, looking desperate but relieved to see he's alright. He can hear more heavy boots stampeding down the stairs, and Bifur, Bofur, Dwalin, and Dori all fly into the room. 

But no Kíli. 

Kíli hadn't come for him. 

Fíli has one startling moment of clarity: Kíli didn't care. 

And then his face crumples and he buried his face in Nori's chest and sobs, hardly noticing when his wrists are cut free and Dwalin's gently lifting him off the filthy floor, not caring that he's covered in dirt and sick. He can hear muffled conversation, Nori saying that he and his various "employees" had been keeping a constant watch on Fíli wherever he went, and that they had noticed the blond's trips to Bombur's being watched by the same individual each evening. That they were lucky he'd been doing this of his own volition, because otherwise they'd have a hard time finding Fíli before it was too late. He sounds angry, and Dori's answering voice doesn't sound much happier, but, the world starts to grow fuzzy around the edges again.

He doesn't really remember much about how he got back to his rooms, but at some point he must have been bathed, because he's clean and he's wearing his sleep tunic and trousers. Bofur is sitting beside him and offers him a soft smile when he sees he's awake.

Kíli still isn't here.

Just as Kíli leaves the mines, ready to head to Bombur's house, he's intercepted by Balin. He's about to open his mouth and tell his adviser about why he's leaving the mines when the older dwarf holds up a hand to silence him.

“He has been found and he's resting now. Nori's people found him with a dwarf that was ready to take him back to Dain but they found him before anything could happen,” he informs the King.

“Thank Mahal. I should go see him and make sure that he's okay,” Kíli says just as he starts to go around Balin. The older dwarf grabs his sleeve though, keeping him in place.

“No, Kíli. He's sleeping right now and everything is fine. You need to stay here and finish this meeting with the miners,” Balin says sternly.

“But-”

“No, you are needed here more than he needs you right now. Ducking out of meetings like this will not build up trust in you. All this will do is fuel the rumors that you are just like your Uncle,” the Adviser interrupts him. Kíli looked sadly between the old dwarf and the general direction of where their rooms were. He guessed that if Fíli really was okay and he was sleeping, then he wouldn't be missed and he did want to be the best King possible. 

He drops his shoulders with a dish before giving into Balin. He would stay and finish this meeting before he went to see Fíli. The dwarves that went to go find him wouldn't leave him alone after such an ordeal so even if he did wake up, there would be someone with him. The King squares his shoulders and shoves all his inner turmoil to the side to be the ruler that Erebor needs him to be for the next few hours.

When every last detail has been taken care of and contracts looked over and signed, Kíli shakes the hands of the miners that he had spent the day with before he heads up to their rooms. He's expecting to see Fíli laying in their bed when he enters but he doesn't expect the angry look that Bofur shoots him as he walks through the doors.

“What's wrong? Balin said that he was fine. He's okay right?” He asks as he looks between the two dwarves, worry written all over his face.

"Oh he's perfectly fine, no thanks to you," Bofur says, far more coldly than Fíli ever expected possible of the older dwarf. If possible, it grows even colder when Fíli shakes his head and rolls onto his side, keeping his back to Kíli at all costs.

"It is fine. Master is busy. I understand," he murmurs, startling when Bofur stands up suddenly and storms around the bed, rolling over to watch him grab Kíli's arm.

"With me, outside, now."

Fíli is left to stare at the door in shock as it slams shut behind the miner who had just dragged his King bodily from the room. 

Bofur is giving Kíli a look to curdle milk and crowds him against the door, leaving no room for the dwarf to even think of escaping.

"Where were you? First you say you are going to come right away, regardless of whether Fíli might harm you, and then even after you receive word that he's been found, after being _taken_ and threatened to be sold back to _Dain_ you don't make an appearance for hours. Do you have any idea what he just went through? We found him trussed up and covered in his own sick with a dwarf threatening to sell him back to his nightmares! And then you! You just!"

Bofur's face turns red and he's so furious he cannot even get the words out. He has to force himself to take a few steadying breaths, knowing that he had to approach this somewhat more calmly for his words to make any sense.

"If you keep focusing all your energies on the Kingdom, then you are going to lose him. Do you know he does not play with the children anymore? He sits by the fire and knits that blasted scarf, and when we tell him it's okay to take a break to play, he tells us that he can't because he's making a gift for you so you'll love him again."

His words have the desired effect, and Bofur takes a step back, breathless and wide eyed, hands curled into fists at his sides.

"If you don't start making an effort with your brother then he will be lost to you forever. Lost to all of us. He may be your One, but he's our friend, and our Prince. We love him, too, just as fiercely as anyone else, but all he wants is _you._ And you can't even make the time to be with him. So you need to start making time, or we will take him away from you until you've proven that he's worth more to you than a string of broken promises."

Bofur bows, but it's a parody of a bow, and his face is just as stern as ever.

"My King."

It breaks something in the young dwarf.

“You don't think I'm trying?!” Kíli snaps back at the other dwarf, “You don't think that I don't feel the weight of every promise that I'm forced to break? You think I like leaving him here by himself? Or that I would rather not be here with him?” There are tears in his brown eyes as he stares Bofur down.

“I have the company telling me that I'm not a good enough brother or One, I have Fíli telling me that I'm not a good enough Master, and I have Balin and the whole of Erebor telling me that I'm not a good enough King. All the while, no one trusts me and no matter how hard I try it's still not enough. I try to be the King that Erebor deserves but it costs me Fíli and when I try to be there for Fíli, everyone wonders if I'm just shirking my duties so I can spend time in the treasury,” he leans against the door and sinks to the floor. All he can feel is the weight of everyone's expectations and their disappointment in him.

“I was in the mines. By the time, I finally found my way out Balin found me and said that you found him and that he was fine. He told me that he was sleeping and that at that moment I was needed more in the mines than I was needed up here so I stayed,” Kíli tells the other dwarf, all the fight leaving him.

“I've thought a lot about his happiness, if he would be happier with you and your family. I've wondered if I was just keeping him with me because I'm selfish. I've wondered if he only needs me because I need him to need me,” he sighs. In truth, he's always wondered if he needed Fíli more than Fíli needed him. If those long years without seeing anyone were done because his older brother knew how much he needed him. The last five years he's found himself thinking that maybe Fíli hadn't really loved him but only made that confession because Kíli needed him to.

“I know all of you are disappointed with me but there's nothing I can do. I can't just walk away from my duties as King but if you and the others think that Fíli would be happier elsewhere, then I agree with you. I obliviously can't be the Master he needs me to be,” he murmurs, pulling his knees up to his chest and looking every bit the young dwarf that he really is. If everyone thought it was better for them to be apart then he wouldn't argue, he just wanted Fíli to be happy.

Bofur stares at him incredulously, as if he couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Nothing you can do? Bullshit there's nothing you can do!" he snaps, refusing to play into Kíli's pity party. Bofur may not understand what it's like to be a King, but he knows very well how to be an Uncle, and if no one else was going to smack sense into the young dwarf then it was high time he took that job.

"You didn't say there was nothin' you could do when it came to claiming the throne from Thorin and saving your people. You didn't say there was nothin' you could do when it came to gettin' Fíli back. You aren't stupid and you aren't nearly as weak willed as you're acting right now. So try harder! Think! Balin is your Adviser, but you are his King, you're the King of the entire damn mountain, and it's about time you started actin' like it!" 

Bofur glares to make his point, gesturing at the door behind the seated dwarf.

"You don't have to do everythin'. Thorin used to regularly send Fíli as his representative to things, and Balin and Dwalin, until the end. Dwalin is still Prince Consort, and the Captain of your military. Use him, use Balin! But stop mopin' around and sayin' there's nothin' you can do when you haven't even _tried_ to think up a solution."

He folds his arms over his chest and gives him a firm look that says he refuses to let Kíli continue to sulk. If the young dwarf could march across all of middle earth and survive taking back their Kingdom from a dragon, an army of goblins and orcs, and his very own Uncle, then he was more than capable of coming up with a solution to his problem.

It was as if the sun had risen over the horizon for the first time in months, and the King is seeing everything, now, with startling clarity. The fog of his own self doubt has started to clear.

“That's brilliant!” Kíli exclaims as he suddenly jumps up and grabs Bofur by his upper arms. 

“Why didn't I think of this before?” He asks out loud, though he's not really aiming it at the other dwarf. He had been trying to be like Thorin and manage as much work as he could by himself, especially towards the end of his reign when he only trusted himself and Dwalin, but he wasn't his Uncle. Thror had even had a group of dwarves close to him that he sent in place of himself and people thought he was a great King until they found the Arkenstone.

The King takes a step back as he rubs a hand over a bearded cheek, thinking about how all of this was going to work and growing more excited the more he thought about how much time he was going to have for Fíli.

“It's genius! If I have Balin take over a few council meetings a month while Dwalin is put back in charge of the Guard and handling Nori's intelligence, that would free up some time,” he muses. That wasn't enough though even with Balin taking two of the four council meetings a month, that only freed up another dinner or two with Fíli.

A lot of the meetings he had during the week were with the guilds if he just had someone-

“You and Bifur! You two can be my liaisons for the guilds! You know much more about mines and jewels than I do and Bifur would understand the needs of the merchants better since he has his own store!”

Bofur's stare becomes less angry and more surprised, mouth opening and closing wordlessly when he's released.

"Wait, I didn't mean _me!_ " he protests, but it falls on deaf ears as Kíli talks to himself in a rush, far too excited to even notice he was here anymore. He really wasn't sure he was the dwarf for the job - he wasn't even part of the royal line! - but the King seemed completely taken with the idea. And Bofur did suppose he and Bifur would be good in that respect, being that they were just regular citizens. Perhaps that'd make the guilds less likely to pitch a fit.

He does have another suggestion, but, he waits until Kíli's muttering slows to voice it, eyebrow arching up towards his messy bangs.

"Perhaps, my King, it would also do some good to present Fíli formally to the people."

He waits for the weight of those words to sink in before plowing onwards. He may not be an expert politician like Balin son of Fundin, or a dwarf of the Line of Durin, but let it not be said that Bofur was completely ignorant.

"Nori said that there are rumors circulating that Fíli is back, that he had been sold into slavery in the Hills. I think it'd be wise to quash those rumors as soon as possible. You and I both know how Fíli was martyred in the eyes of the people by Thorin's proclamation he'd been executed for trying to take the throne from him in his madness. Use that, use his reputation to gain the trust of the people," he advised, eyes flicking to the door where Fíli was no doubt waiting for them to return.

"We can present him to the people and say that Thorin had a change of heart and had Fíli exiled to the Mirkwood, that he loved his nephew too much to behead him but not enough to spare him from the insanity caused by being isolated in the poisoned forest. You can say that we rode out to find his body and give him a burial he deserves as a Prince, and that we found him alive, but broken after five years of solitude and torture by the darkness and the evils that lurk there, and that he needs time to heal."

He pauses and reaches out to rest a hand on Kíli's shoulder, looking at him steadily. 

"The people believe him to be their savior, my King, and that he is unaffected by the madness and the gold lust. With him at your side, they'll have more faith in your rule, and the stability of the royal line, which will make it easier for them to let you do your job without pushin' you to do it all yourself."

Bofur jerks his head at the door, now, and nudges him towards it.

"Nori will take care of circulating these new rumors until Fíli can be prepared for the presentation. If there's already some version of this story goin' around then it'll make it easier for the people to believe it when it's told to them formally. But for now, I think, you have a lot of explainin' to do, and a lot of apologies to make."

Kíli hums in thought, letting the idea of presenting Fíli to the people tumble around in his head. It sounded like a good idea and he wanted to run it Balin to make sure, but it sounded like the best thing to do. The only problem was that Fíli wasn't ready yet, or at least he didn't think he was. In a couple of weeks, maybe, but right now wasn't a good time.

“You're right,” he sighs as he looks at the door, speaking both to his idea and that there was a lot of apologies he needed to make. The excitement he had before has dissipated but he has hopes that telling his brother of these plans will help him see how much he cares.

“I'll show him to the kingdom when Oin says that it's okay for him to go out without worrying about him getting sick. For now Nori spreading those rumors is a good idea. Tomorrow morning I want to meet with you, Bifur, Balin, and Dwalin. I want everyone to know what's going on along with what's expected of them. I think I have a few other ideas for making sure I'm spending as must time with Fíli as possible,” he says giving Bofur a small smile.

“And thank you for this. It's going to help us both out a lot I think,” he says with a quick nod. Bofur has already helped him out immensely and for the first time since they left the Iron Hills, Kíli feels like he can manage everything that's expected of him now. All that's left to do is showing that to Fíli.

The King swallows hard, not at all looking forward to what's about to happen even though it needs to be done. He takes a deep breath before giving Bofur one last look and heading inside, making sure to close the door behind him.

“Fíli?” He asks gently as he sits on the bottom corner of the bed.

Fíli had heard muffled shouting from the other side of the door before it'd tapered off into silence, and now he lay buried beneath a mound of blankets, wondering if they'd run off or beat on each other like some dwarves did when they got angry.

He jerks when the door opens and he hears Kíli's voice, pulling the edge of the blankets down under himself so he resembled a dumpling more than a dwarf. He says nothing to Kíli, refusing to make a sound and wondering if he could disappear into the bed entirely if he tried hard enough. He didn't want to see him, or hear his lies and false promises, not anymore. He'd promised to protect him, and when Fíli had called for him, he hadn't been there. 

Too many times he had let his hopes be raised, only to end up dashed upon the stone. Kíli would promise yet again to spend more time with him, would swear and promise that he mattered, and then he cared for him. But then more endless days would come that he broke his word, and Fíli was left alone.

He wouldn't be made the fool once more.

Kíli didn't blame Fíli for not coming out of the covers. He had really screwed up this time. This was twice now that he had promised to protect him and twice that he had broken that promise.

He sat for a long moment, trying to think of what to say that wouldn't be a repeat of things he's said before. His brother wouldn't believe those things again even though truly things were going to change starting tomorrow.

“I know that I wasn't there for you today and I know that you probably don't like me anymore but I want you to know that I'm going to have a meeting tomorrow and things are going to change. You don't have to believe me, in fact I don't expect you to, but I want you to be there to hear the plans that Bofur helped me with,” he murmurs.

“I want to know if you approve of what I have in mind. If you do that'll be great and if you don't,” he pauses and tries to think of just what he'd do, “well, we'll come up with something that you like.” He couldn't but wonder if Fíli would actually want to spend time with him after what happened today. Maybe this was the last straw and tomorrow he would announce that he didn't want to be with Kíli anymore. He wouldn't blame him but he could already feel that idea breaking his heart.

“I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I was down in the mines and by the time I got out, Balin said that Nori had found you already and that you were sleeping. I believed him and let him talk me into staying a few hours longer against my better judgment. It's not...good but it's what happened,” he says as he watches the lump under the blankets. Fíli hasn't moved and he wonders if maybe the other dwarf fell asleep while he and Bofur were talking.

“I'll uh...leave you alone then I guess,” he whispers, already planning on sleeping in his chair tonight.

It's the implication of sleeping alone that gets Fíli to finally move, and he throws back the covers to stare desperately at the other dwarf, his eyes wide and mouth moving wordlessly. His throat is bruised from where the would be kidnapper had suffocated him into unconsciousness, and his wrists are raw from struggling at the rope that had tied them. He may be upset with Kíli, but nothing is worse than having to be alone in the dark.

"Please. I don't wanna be alone again," he whimpered, eyes smudged with exhaustion and tears in his voice. He couldn't believe Kíli's promises that things would improve, or bear his excuses for his absences any longer. But the idea of being alone was infinitely more terrifying than any of that, and he reaches out to grip at the sleeve of Kíli's tunic, shuffling towards him on his knees and looking desperately up at him.

"Please. I'm scared."

Kíli looks over the injuries as his brows knit together as he realizes just how bad this attack was. When he was told that Fíli was fine, he thought that they meant that he was uninjured but he sees just how wrong he was. He shouldn't have let Balin talk him out of coming up here, he should have come as soon as he was able.

Bofur was right, he was King and he needed to start acting like it.

“You aren't Fíli, I'm here, you don't have to be scared,” he says gently, unsure just how reassuring that sentiment was anymore. He was gentle when he removed his brother's hand from his sleeve and guided him back to lie under the blankets.

“I'm just going to get changed and I'll be right back,” he gives the other dwarf a reassuring smile before he goes to change into his sleep clothes just as fast as he can. When he comes back he makes sure to light the candle next to the bed for him and he slips under the blankets next to him.

Fíli watches him like a hawk as he changes, refusing to let Kíli out of his sight for even the briefest moment, afraid that if he did it meant he'd disappear again. But then he's dressed and sliding into the bed beside him, and Fíli hesitates for a moment before curling up against his side, burying his face under his arm to hide from the world.

His throat is sore and his wrists are itchy, and every little crack of the fire makes him jump, reaching up to curl his fingers around a fistful of Kíli's tunic.

He can still feel those rough fingers on his chin, and smell his sour breath as he threatened to sell him back to the Hills. 

The idea that he'd come so close to being back in Dain's clutches makes him retch again, and it's only the fact that is stomach has nothing left to give that keeps him from getting sick in the bed. It cramps uncomfortably, though, and he squirms miserably, trying to shove himself so far beneath the blankets and Kíli's body that he can escape that oily voice hissing with so much delight at the wealth he'd bring him.

Was that all Fíli was to anyone? His worth as a slave, the money that could be made in selling his body?

He tries to think of how nice it'd been to see Nori, and have the ginger dwarf cradle him close, and Dwalin picking him up and holding him so easily and telling him that he was safe, and of Dori, who must have been the one to clean him up and dress him and put him to bed, and Bofur, who sat and made sure he slept undisturbed and kept him safe. 

All he can think about is that none of them were Kíli, because Kíli hadn't been there. When he'd needed him most, he'd been too busy to get away. 

Maybe he really was only worth what gold could be exchanged for his service.

Kíli doesn’t sleep at all, not while Fíli doesn’t anyway. He watches the different emotions play across his face, unsure that he’d ever understand what he’s thinking right now. There was a time when he could read his brother’s face like a book and knew the things that plagued him, well most of them. It was easy then to reassure him that he was going to be a great King one day and that he would be there right next to him, running his armies.

Now though he doesn’t know what to say or even what to do. Just laying like this used to make Fíli feel better but now the King wondered if maybe he would find more comfort if someone else was here instead. He had slept fine while Bofur was here, maybe his brother would prefer his company to his own.

Maybe if he had actually tried, Fíli would find his presence more reassuring and would be happily sleeping right now, knowing that he was safe in Kíli’s arms.

The younger dwarf sighs and runs gentle fingers through blond hair while he uses his other hand to cover the one that’s clutching at his tunic. He wants to say that he won’t allow anyone else to take him again but he already knows that it would come off as a lie. He wasn’t there today so why would he be there if it happened again?

He stares up at the ceiling for a long time, feeling guilty for causing his brother pain yet again. He also feels fiercely determined though to make sure that things change. He will make himself worthy of Fíli’s trust and his love. He’s going to do right by both him and the kingdom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fanfic soundtrack has been updated with two new songs [here!](http://8tracks.com/f-ili/if-the-sky-comes-falling-down)
> 
> At this point Fili is not physically or emotionally capable of defending himself, but, we'll see how that changes as he begins to recover.
> 
> And don't judge Balin too harshly. Remember that, besides Dwalin and the boys, he was the one that trusted Thorin the most, so he's still struggling to have faith in Kili after being burned so deeply. 
> 
> Or Kili, who is still quite young, and hasn't had the lifetime of training to become King like Fili. He's still trying to figure out how to balance everything. (But with a little help from the Company, he's starting to learn.)


	11. What If I Can't Wait Any Longer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kíli finally stays, but the events of the previous night have unexpected consequences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We get a little more background, here, on the events that took place in Erebor during Fíli's absence.

It had taken almost two hours for Kíli to fall asleep that night, so consumed with his guilt for what Fíli had been put through was he, and, before he knows it, he’s waking up to sunlight spilling into the room. He groans before trying to cover his head with blankets; morning has come far too soon for his liking today. 

Fíli hadn't slept a second that night, consumed with fear and uncertainty that kept him tossing and turning. After Kíli has finally eased into sleep he crawls from the bed and moves to sit by the fire with a blanket wrapped around him, settling his big book about the stars on his lap and flipping to where he'd left off. By the time Kíli is stirring in their bed again, he's almost finished the book and is poring over a diagram of the great Sea Serpent constellation, tracing each star with his finger and memorizing its name.

But now that the other dwarf has wakened he looks up, his eyes darkly shadowed with exhaustion and telling that he hadn't gotten any rest.

He has questions that need answering, though, and he stares at him heavily, running over the things that the kidnapper had said to him.

"Master. Why is it that dwarf last night called me a Prince? I know Master Dori has called me that as a pet name every once in a while, but, this other dwarf seemed to truly believe I was some sort of Prince. He kept saying it over and over, but.. it can't be right, can it?" he asked quietly, cocking his head to the side so he can study Kíli's reaction.

"Did he mean it in the way that Dwalin is a Prince? Because you and I were lovers?"

Kíli studies his brother, mind still waking up and completely lost as to what his answer should be. It would be easy to just say yes but no one ever called Dwalin a Prince. He was a Prince Consort which wasn't all that different in power at least but no one would say Prince Dwalin.

Telling Fíli that he was the nephew of the last King might not be the best idea either. He couldn't remember but he was sure that at least one person had referred to Thorin as Kíli's Uncle. If the blond had heard that and put two and two together, it might be the end of them. Maybe he wouldn't jump to the conclusion that they were brothers since it was possible that they could be cousins, but he might not be okay with being so close to him after he figures out that they are related.

Just because the old Fíli didn't seem to care didn't mean that this Fíli would think the same way.

Eventually he just sighs and rubs the back of his neck.

“No Fíli. You were a Prince long before we were lovers. Your Uncle was the King before you and I were his heir. After we took back the mountain, his mind was taken over by the dragon sickness and you didn't get married like he wanted you to. So, he sold you away for the gold he could make,” he says looking down at the furs covering his lap.

“I tried to stop him but I couldn't. I didn't try hard enough,” he murmurs. Kíli had been locked in this room for weeks and spent most of his days screaming himself hoarse and beating on the doors.

“Not many in Erebor, besides the company, knows you were sold away though. Thorin told them that you were beheaded for treason because you had tried to take the throne from him. He inadvertently made you a hero to the people because they believe that you tried to save them from a wicked King,” he smiles at his brother. He had been angry when he found out the lies Thorin had told their people but when Nori had told him that they were calling Fíli the Martyr Prince, he had nearly cried with his relief. The majority of the kingdom didn't believe that his brother was really a traitor.

Fíli stared open mouthed at the other dwarf, the wheels in his head almost audibly turning as he tried to digest everything he'd just been told. 

"A hero? But I'm just a King's whore, I'm not a hero, or a Prince, or any of that," he answered stupidly, wondering if maybe he'd passed out in his exhaustion and this was all a strange dream. He was the King's nephew, and Thorin had sold him away because he hadn't gotten married, and told everyone he was executed for treason, and he was a hero for it? 

How did any of that even make sense? How was any of that supposed to make sense! It was madness, surely. 

He pauses and purses his lips, deep in thought as puzzle pieces slowly, but surely, began to form a picture of coherency.

"So.. That means I was going to be King? After him? But you're the King, now, so.. Does that mean I am no longer a Prince?"

This was all so very horribly confusing. He should probably start paying greater attention to Balin's lessons on politics-

"But I'm learning about politics. And the government, and.. and Erebor's history and languages. So then I am still a Prince, and heir to the throne? Are you the regent in my stead?"

Fíli pauses for a moment as a horrible thought comes to him, eyeing Kíli warily from across the room.

"You didn't let this Thorin sell me away so you could take the throne.. did you?"

He wasn't sure he really thought Kíli possible of that. But it would explain the dwarf's sudden lack of interest in spending any time with him. He had Fíli here, now, where he couldn't potentially make trouble for him as the heir to the throne. He didn't have to sweet talk him. Was he a prisoner once more? Was he once again only worth what his body could accomplish?

It wasn't as if Fíli wanted the throne. No good ever came of Kings, and Princes, and all of that. His lessons on politics were to be endured, but not enjoyed. He much preferred the ones on astronomy and mining and history and languages. Balin had even said he could start weapons training with Dwalin when the spring came, and Fíli was excited to learn how to wield an axe and a sword like a proper dwarf, and to shoot a bow and hit a target far away. But it was the principle of the thing, if Kíli had really been so underhanded to steal the throne from him. 

Another horrible thought hits him.

"If you were next in line after me to the throne.. does that mean we're related?"

Kíli's head spins with all the questions Fíli asks. It's too early to be having this conversation, he had hoped for more time to prepare for this.

“Yes you were going to be King after Thorin and you're still a Prince but you'll only take the throne now if something happens to me,” he scrunches his nose at the thought. There was a dark voice telling him that the something might be caused by Fíli himself when he gets better.

“I had to take over as King because I usurped Thorin. I couldn't take over as regent while he still sat on the throne, it was either take the crown or do nothing. With the way he was running Erebor into the ground, I couldn't stand back and watch,” he says as he throws his legs over the side of the bed. He had wanted to just be Prince Regent since he still believed that Fíli was alive and would eventually be back. That would have meant admitting that he knew his brother wasn't really dead and telling the kingdom what really happened. As loud as the people cried for Thorin's head, he's sure that if they truly knew, he wouldn't have had the option to spare him.

The whole of Erebor might have gone after Thorin for what he had done to Fíli.

“I never wanted to be King. I trained my whole life to be your right hand and to run your armies for you when you finally took the throne. I was happy with that, I never had the mind for politics that you did,” he smiles softly at his brother. Kíli had always been happier with his bow in hand than pouring over books about family lines.

“But no we aren't related,” he lies. The way Fíli had asked made it clear that he wasn't okay with continuing on like they were if they shared blood. It made him wonder if maybe deep down, the real Fíli had been repulsed by it too. 

He wasn't ready to deal with being totally pushed away from his brother yet.

“Balin thought that the kingdom would have an easier time accepting me because I was always with you and I helped take back the mountain.”

Fíli seems disappointed for a very brief flash, before he buries it under a mask of impassivity, one that he wouldn't recognize but Kíli would know very well. He wonders what it would be like to have a family - one that didn't him into slavery for gold coins, at any rate. Were they all dead? If he had any family that lived then there was no way they wouldn't try to be near him, right? So then, logically, if no family had surfaced, then Fíli must be alone in the world.

"Do I truly have no one, then, but this Thorin," he asked quietly, sounding lost at the idea. He supposed, then, that Kíli had been his Prince Consort the way Dwalin must be Thorin's, which is why he had been next in line for the throne after Fíli. Why Dwalin hadn't taken the throne, then, mystified him, but he expected that the Kingdom wouldn't trust the consort of the King they believed to be completely gone with madness.

Remembering that Dwalin had been Thorin's consort made his expression brighten slightly, his gaze returning to Kíli's face.

"Is Dwalin my Uncle? If not by blood, then, at least by marriage ties?" he asked, so hopeful now that his chest felt like it was about to burst. And if Dwalin was his Uncle, then that meant Balin was, too, and Dori, by marriage. He may not have cousins or siblings or parents, or an Uncle by blood worth caring for. But he wasn't so alone as he thought, perhaps. 

Kíli does know the mask that Fíli hides behind, it's been five years but he would always know when his brother was hiding behind the face of the Heir Prince. It was how Fíli hid his real emotions from people, mostly Thorin, before he was sold away. It was a face that Kíli only saw when they were around other people and he hated that it was being used against him right now. The other dwarf used to trust him and let down his guard when they were alone and could talk freely.

He knows that Fíli doesn't trust him right now but to know that he doesn't even trust him with whatever he's thinking right now and feels the need to bury it, hurts more than the blond could ever understand.

“You-,” he starts to say that his brother has him, has always had him, but it occurs to him that Fíli had been looking for a family. A place that he belonged and he already lied and said that they weren't related.

Suddenly he wishes he could kick himself, maybe if had at least said that they were cousins his brother would feel better.

Too late.

“Dwalin is your Uncle by marriage, yes. So you also have Balin and Dori as family too and I'm not family but I've always been your friend at least,” he forces a smile before he goes to change into his clothes for the day.

“You should get changed too so you can be part of the meeting. I told everyone to meet me right after breakfast.”

Fíli is so taken with the idea of having those he could call family that he almost doesn't catch the last thing Kíli says, but when his brain catches up he's left to stare at the other dwarf again, his gaze wary.

"What meeting is this? Why do I need to be there for a meeting?" he asked slowly, hugging his book to his chest. He had to get ready for Dori to come in and help him get ready for breakfast. Today he was going to learn about making mittens, and-

"Oh. Oh no, I left-!"

He cuts himself off, looking desperately around for his things from the night before. The scarf he'd been making for Kíli, he'd been working so hard on it, and he was so close to being done! Had his kidnapper ruined it, or left it in the street when he'd taken Fíli from Bofur's home? 

He panics and begins to rummage through the drawers, yanking them out and shoving aside the clothes before moving onto the next one. It's only when he sees they're all empty of what he seeks that he catches sight of the small box on the desk, and the note that had been left on top of it. Fíli tears across the room without a second glance at Kíli and grabs at the box, letting the note flutter to the table top so he can all but break the wood to get the lid open.

When a few sprinkles of ash tumble out with his singed knitting needles he has to fight the tremor of his lower lip, picking up the note and reading through Dori's neat script.

_Fíli,_

_Berta did her best to try and save your scarf when it got knocked into the fire, but in the flurry of action after you were taken and everyone rushing to find you, she was unable to do more than get your needles. I'm so sorry, Fíli, but, we can start again on a new one when you're ready._

_Respectfully, Dori_

Fíli crumples the note into a ball and drops it into the box, sinking down onto the floor to pull his knees up under his chin. Fat tears slide down his cheeks as he refuses to give voice to his anger and frustration, not caring that he was smearing ash across his trousers.

He'd worked so hard on that scarf for weeks. It was going to be a special gift for Kíli, so that he would love Fíli again. It'd been so close to being finished, and now it was a pile of soot in Bombur's fireplace. It would take a stronger dwarf than Fíli to not feel the crushing despair of that loss, especially after the stress of yesterday and his lack of sleep.

Kíli could only watch as Fíli ran around the room looking for whatever he had lost. When he finally sinks to the ground he goes over to kneel next to him, putting a gentle hand on his back.

“Fíli, what's wrong?” He asks, hoping that he'll get an answer. When he doesn't he reaches into the box for the note that he saw his brother drop, reading it over quickly. He doesn't understand why he would be so broken up over a scarf until he remembers that Bofur had said last night that Fíli had been knitting one for him, hoping that it would make him love him again.

He had never seen the scarf and the idea of Fíli making one for him had only been in his head for a few seconds, but he can't help but feel the loss of it too.

“You were making a scarf?” Kíli asks like he doesn't know that it was a surprise for him. He can't imagine that the other dwarf would like the idea of his surprise being spoiled.

“Well if you want to stay here with Dori instead of going to the meeting with me, so you can start a new one that's fine. I can just tell you what happened when I come back,” he says with a gentle smile, hiding his disappointment that Fíli wouldn't get to hear all the things that were going to change so they could be together more. The King wasn't sure if he would believe him if he had to tell him after the meeting.

Fíli shifts so that he can sling his arms around Kíli, burying his face in his chest and refusing to let him go for even a brief moment.

"P-Please don't go, I don't want you to go! I want you to stay here with me!" he begged in a low sob, the weight of the previous day's events crushing down on him all at once, like being kicked in the chest by his pony. He didn't want Kíli to leave again. He finally had him here and the very thought of him leaving and not returning for a very long time once more felt like the worst thing that could possibly happen in the entire world.

"Just today, please, and I promise I won't ask anymore, but please don't leave me!"

He knows he's making a mess of the nice tunic Kíli had just put on for his meeting, and half of him hopes it means he'll have to change, and spend a few extra seconds with him before he ultimately leaves yet again. 

Kíli held Fíli close, uncaring about the tunic when there are always more that he can change into.

“I can't give you all day because I have this meeting. You can come with me though, Bofur helped me figure out a way to be with you more. Not all day but much more than just the occasional dinner,” he says and he has to fight to hide his smile. He's still excited about these new plans but he doesn't feel like he should show it with how upset his brother still is.

“That's what this meeting is about and I wanted you to come with to tell me if you're okay with what we came up with. And I wanted to show you that I'm serious about wanting to spend more time with you,” he murmurs. He doesn't expect this meeting to fix everything or for Fíli to fully trust him again after, but he is going to show him that he wants to be here. Maybe eventually he'll be trustworthy again and he's willing to work until he is.

“After the meeting you and I will stay here,” he promises, even if it doesn't mean much to the other dwarf. Kíli hasn't told Balin about this development yet but after everything yesterday, he doubts his Adviser will put up much of a fuss.

“You have to get dressed though if you want to come with me.”

Fíli's face pinches like he's swallowed a lemon, and he tightens his grip on Kíli, his fingers aching with how hard he's clutching at his tunic, now.

"There's always a meeting! Every day, there's always just one more meeting! I don't want to go to a meeting, I want to stay here with you! Why is there always just one more meeting?" he cries, wanting to shove Kíli away and crawl under the bed and never come back out. There was always another meeting, another appointment, another council session. Always!

"They get to have you all the time, and now I need you more, I want you here with me. I always have to wait, I'm always the one left behind, and now they can wait. They can sit and wonder when there'll never not be just one more meeting!"

He's gasping for breath by the end of this, his eyes wide and cheeks wet with tears, clutching at Kíli as if his very life depends on it.

“Oh, Fíli,” Kíli says sadly as he sits back on his butt and pulls his brother into his lap. He's been awful to him and now more than ever he wishes that he had all of these ideas before.

“You're right,” he says, “they do get me more than you but that's going to change now. I just need to tell Balin, Dwalin, Bofur, and Bifur about what they need to do for me.” He thinks it would be a quick meeting but Fíli really does need him here more than he needs to leave. The King does need to make sure things are taken care of though, at least for today.

“What if those four came here later? You and I can have breakfast and go back to sleep if you want. Then maybe they can come here for dinner and we can all talk then?” he suggests.

“Or we can meet with them tomorrow morning. I'll still need Balin to come here, though so I can tell him that I'm not leaving this room today.”

Fíli closes his eyes and relaxes his grip a fraction, waiting for the 'but' that thankfully doesn't come. If Kíli left now, he'd never trust him ever again, no matter what he said or did.

"I don't care what they do. Just don't go away anymore. I don't want to be alone," he whispered, turning his face to bury against Kíli's neck. The entire city could parade through this room and he wouldn't care one bit so long as Kíli stayed. 

When he opens his eyes again the tears continue to fall, but silently now, his sobs having subsided with the glimmer of hope that maybe he would stay this time. That he wouldn't have to be alone, even for a second.

Fíli reaches up to curl his fingers into Kíli's dense beard, his throat aching when he tips his head back to look at him. The bruises have darkened to vivid purples and blacks, an angry half moon around his neck that shows just how close he came to ending up in Dain's clutches again.

"He said.. He said it was my fault, that he was doing this to me because we took his life away. Were we really that bad at ruling the Kingdom? Did the people really hurt so much?" he asked in a low whimper, sounding every inch as vulnerable as he looked in that moment.

“No, none of it was your fault. Thorin was very greedy when he ruled, the dragon sickness demanding that he and he alone have all the gold that came into the mountain. A lot of families lost all they had because of him and his taxes, and are still very bitter about it. Nothing that Thorin did is your fault,” Kíli reassures him. It's what Balin used to tell him too when he was forced to wait longer to take the throne from his Uncle. He saw the families that were affected by Thorin's greed and he couldn't help but feel guilty that it took him three years to be ready to be King.

“But I've been working for the last two years to make things better but it's going to take a long time before everything is set right. It's better than it used to be at least,” he sighs, trying to remind himself that even if the kingdom didn't trust him, he was making their lives better.

The younger Durin gently cups his brother face and wipes the tears away with his thumbs.

“I'll tell Balin when he comes in that the meeting can wait until tomorrow morning and we'll tell Dori that there won't be any lessons today if you want. That way we'll have all of today and tonight to ourselves.”

A flicker of a smile touches Fíli's lips, and he leans into the hands against his cheeks, fingers still buried in the curls of Kíli's beard.

"I would like that very much," he whispered, relaxing completely against the other dwarf's chest now. Kíli wasn't going to leave him again. He was going to stay for an _entire_ day. Just the two of them, together, and no one else to take him away from Fíli again.

Another question is on his mind, though, and Fíli carefully tucks his head under the King's chin, finding solidarity in the safe space he finds there.

"What does it mean, to be a Martyr Prince, Master? I do not really understand the word, but, I keep hearing it. You say it makes me a hero, but I never did anything to be called a hero. I just.. wasted away in the Hills, not even capable of saving myself, never mind.. saving an entire People."

Kíli rests his head on top of Fíli's, wrapping his arms around him and finally feeling like he's doing something right.

“When Thorin announced that you had been executed for treason, the kingdom believed that you _had_ tried to take the throne. They didn't see this as the high treason Thorin claimed it to be though, they believed that you had been trying to save them from the rule of a tyrant. Erebor believed that you had died for them,” he says softly. He remembers trying to come up with some excuse as to why Fíli would commit treason with Nori before Bofur had said that he heard the miners referring to him as the Martyr Prince.

“That's why you're a hero to them and always will be,” he says with a smile.

“Besides, they don't really know that you were in the Hills. There were rumors of course but when they started calling you the Martyr Prince it spread like wild fire and the rumors of you being sold died down. Bofur already has a story in mind to make sure that they never know what really happened because one day, when you're better and feeling up to it, we'll show the kingdom that you're actually alive. But that won't be for a long time,” Kíli assures him. Even he knew that his brother wasn't ready to face that kind of crowd yet and he wouldn't want Erebor to see him so frail when they all remembered how he used to be.

His thoughts are interrupted by a knock at the door followed by Balin, Dori, and a few servants with their breakfast.

“There won't be any lessons today, Dori and after yesterday's events, I think the kingdom can survive one day without me so I can be here for Fíli,” he says sternly as he watches Balin. His Adviser is about to say something when Dori gives him an icy glare.

“And what about the meeting Bofur told us about?” Balin says finally, instead of whatever argument he was going to make.

“Apologize to the others for me and tell them to meet us here tomorrow for breakfast and we can all talk then.”

Balin looks like he's ready to disagree again, but the look he sees on Fíli's face silences his protests completely. The young dwarf looks hopeful, and he's looking up at Kíli from where he lay against his chest with an actual smile on his lips. As strenuous as things were for the aged Adviser, stuck with the task of trying to convince an untrusting Kingdom that their new King was more reliable than the last, he supposed that one day would not cause any harm. 

He felt guilty that he was pushing Kíli too hard, but after putting all his faith in Thorin, and having the dwarf fail him so spectacularly, perhaps even Balin was wary of trusting this young King until he was truly tested as a ruler.

But then, perhaps, it was the sign of a good leader to know when your family needed you more than even your Kingdom. Something Thorin had forgotten in his madness. And, it truly was good to see Fíli smile again.

So he bows his head in acquiescence, folding his hands neatly over his belly.

"I will have the servants bring up your meals today, then, and inform the rest of the change in plans for this evening," he murmurs in reply, and his heart aches a little at the unfiltered look of joy on Fíli's face at the confirmation that yes, Kíli really was going to be here the whole day. Not just for supper, or lunch, but the entire day.

He bows his head again and reaches out to touch Dori's shoulder, signaling that they should follow the servants out so the young sons of Durin can eat in peace. 

Fíli's still smiling when the door closes behind them and he's left alone with Kíli once more, rubbing his cheek against his throat and exhaling softly. He had a whole day with him. An entire day, with no meetings, or council sessions, or surprises, or anything. 

Maybe things could get better after all.

Kíli watched as the two older dwarves leave, still waiting for Balin to turn around and argue that he needs to at least do this meeting today. In fact, he’s surprised when he leaves without saying a word but he had been ready to argue his case and even use his status as King to order his leave today. The Kingdom would survive one day while he stayed here and took care of his brother.

He sighs in relief when both Balin and Dori leave without a word. He’s never had to use his position over any of his friends before and he’d hate to start now.

“We should get up and eat,” he suggests, although he’s pretty good with where he is. He stands up first, despite not really wanting to move, and helps Fíli up too. They sit side by side as they eat the eggs, sausage and fruits that had been brought up for them. It’s not really a huge spread for the first meal of the day but then it's better than some breakfasts they’ve had.

“Did you get any sleep last night? You look exhausted,” Kíli says as he finishes off another piece of sausage. He hadn’t slept much but the smudges under Fíli’s eyes make him think that he hadn’t slept.

“We can take a nap after breakfast if you want?” 

Fíli's mowed his way through a majority of the fruit, and is now picking at his eggs and attempting to eat around the thick yolks. His stomach is still hurting from yesterday, and his bruised throat makes swallowing painful, but he's starving and desperate to put something in his belly to quiet the gnawing hunger.

He shakes his head when Kíli mentions a nap, though, pulling his cup of goat's milk towards himself and drinking deeply. "There are bad things in the dark and the quiet. I don't want to sleep," he murmured softly, staring into the white liquid. Dain, and his kidnapper, crouching in the shadows, waiting to plague him once he closed his eyes. He'd stay awake forever if it meant escaping that.

Offering Kíli a faint smile, he gives up on eating and goes to sit by the fire again, dragging his massive book on astronomy into his lap, lighting up when he opens it to a diagram of the great Sky Dragon, admiring the many stars that made it up.

"Can we go outside some night and see the stars, Master? The real ones in the sky, not the ones in the book," he asked softly, looking up at the other dwarf. There had been stars in their days coming to the mountain, but Fíli had been too sick to really appreciate them, and now that he knew their meanings and their shapes, he wanted to see them again with new eyes. 

Kíli frowned slightly, not liking that his brother was afraid to sleep. He would have to sleep if he got better but he couldn't force him to sleep either. Maybe if Fíli actually trusted him to protect him, he could get the rest he needed.

He pushes the rest of his eggs around on his plate, trying to think of something other than himself that he could try to reassure Fíli with. 

“Of course. We'll go out soon when it's clear, before the first snowfall so it won't be too cold,” he smiles. Oin hadn't given him the all clear yet and he didn't want his brother to get sick while they were outside. Too bad summer was so far off, it would be nice just to grab a blanket to lie on while they looked at the stars and maybe fell asleep outside.

“There are good things in the dark too, Fíli,” Kíli says gently as he abandons his eggs to sit next to the other dwarf, “you can only see the stars at night and they're good. You can only see lightning bugs light up in the dark too, and they're pretty.” He smiles fondly as he remembers going out with his brother when they were younger and catching the bugs in jars and watching as they lit up a small corner of their room.

“The dark can be scary but it can be very nice too.”

Lightning bugs. Fíli sees snatches of memories, of running through the grass after flickers of yellow-green light in the air. Of small hands slowly folding open to reveal a captured one, and of a young, round faced boy illuminated by the glow, beaming at him like he'd hung the stars in the sky above them.

But as soon as they come, they're gone, and Fíli's left to stare blankly at his book as flashes of pictures fly by, struggling to hold onto them with as much success as one trying to hold back a great river. He swallows thickly and turns the page to a story about the Owl, smoothing his fingers over the drawing of a great, feathered beast, with wise eyes staring out from the tome.

"Lightning bugs," he murmured aloud, tapping his fingertips in an unknown rhythm against the picture, one that Kíli would well recognize but was lost on the golden haired dwarf. It was Thorin's song, their song, the song of a homeland waiting to be reclaimed, and the fire that took it all away.

His eyes are distant and a frown has dug itself into the corners of his mouth, the drumming of his fingers not slowing for even a second. Gentle hands helping him position his sword, and dark, sweeping hair, with heavy braids.

"I like to grab at them," he said, not even aware that Kíli was in the room anymore as he ceased his drumming to reach out towards the empty air before him, hand closing around something only he could see. 

A warm, rumbling chuckle against his cheek.

Lightning bugs.

Kíli watches his brother get lost in his memories, wondering if he remembers those summers too. Fíli seems to remember the dwarf their Uncle used to be, when he sang that song to them as a lullaby. He hopes that he can only remember Thorin as he was because even though Kíli can see it, his memories are stained by the monster he became under the dragon sickness.

He would always be thankful to Thorin for raising them and teaching them what they know. It was one of the reasons why he hadn't been put to death himself when he had lost his throne to his nephew. He couldn't forgive him for selling Fíli to Dain though, dragon sickness or not. Maybe one day when his brother was better he would or maybe he would just stop being so angry about it.

“You taught me how to catch them without squishing them,” he whispers, not even sure if the other dwarf would hear him. The first time they had shown their Uncle the little bugs in their palm, he had smiled and given them a jar so they could catch more. He was the one that showed them just how bright they could be in the dark and told them to let them go in the morning.

Too bad he didn't have a jar of them now to help save his family members from the darkness that threatened them.

“Maybe next summer we'll go out and see if we can find some. It's been a long time since we've been out hunting lightning bugs,” the King smiles.

Fíli's eyes seem to regain some of their focus, and he blinks rapidly, turning to look at Kíli and studying him with an almost unnerving amount of intensity.

And then it's gone, and his expression becomes more relaxed and placid like before, gaze flitting back down to the Owl on the page before him.

"I think I would like that very much," he murmured, reaching up to grab at the braids in his hair. He could still feel the other braids, the dark braids, between his fingertips, so much like his own, but smaller, and more tightly woven. The beads at the end are heavier than his, and he can still feel the runes that had been carved into them, so very different from his own lighter, softer beads. It all still seemed so real. 

He puts his book aside and draws his knees up under his chin, looking contemplative as he studies the fire, as if expecting it to give him all the answers he craved.

"Master.. Can you tell me about my Uncle? Only.. I keep seeing this dwarf in my head, and he's smiling at me, and saying things I can't hear. He has dark hair like you, and a beard like yours, but he's not you, he's.. He looks like you, but he's so very different. Is he really the one that sold me away to Dain?" he asked quietly, squinting at the fire like it'll somehow help improve his foggy memories. 

“Well,” Kíli starts as he tries to think of where to start, “Thorin used to be very different than he is now. He lead our people to Ered Luin after Smaug attacked and took work where he could as a blacksmith to help support us. He worked very hard to make sure that we had what we needed though he wasn't around a lot because of it.” He says and there's a second where he thinks that it sounds horribly familiar.

“He was a little harsh on you when it came to your lessons to make sure that as his Heir you learned everything that you needed to know so that you could one day be King. He loved you a lot though and was always proud of your accomplishments. Thorin was the one that first taught you to hold a sword. You didn't always have weapons lessons with him though, sometimes it was Dwalin.”

“He did sell you to Dain but that wasn't really him. Like I said he only sold you because of the dragon sickness. If he had been in his right mind that never would have happened,” the young Durin says sadly. There were a lot of things that could have saved Fíli those five years in the Iron Hills. It does make him wonder what things would have been like if Thorin never fell ill. Maybe he would still be pining away in silence for his older brother.

“Your Uncle used to sing you to sleep too.”

Fíli nods quietly at this, but something Kíli says nags at the back of his mind. He had said Thorin worked hard to support 'us', but, Kíli had said they were merely longtime friends turned lovers. For some reason, that didn't really make sense, not with the way he worded it, as if Thorin had raised them both like sons. 

He says nothing, though, and offers him a small smile instead, turning so he can tip sideways and rest against the other dwarf's chest, tucked under his chin. Kíli was hiding something from him, something about their relationship to each other. Perhaps he could ask Master Balin the next time he was alone with him, or Master Dori. 

"Master, can I have my Bliss now?" he asked softly, by way of changing the subject. He had missed his dose the night before, and the prickles of discomfort were already beginning to form under his skin. Oin had kept insisting he had to fight through it all if he was going to eventually not need the drugs anymore, but Fíli didn't want to. He hated the sweats that came with missing more two doses in a row, the shivering and the itching. It was like a fire had been lit inside him and it burned, and why should he subject himself to such misery when the drug made it all better?

Maybe tomorrow he'd try again.

Kíli slumped a little with Fíli's request. He wanted his brother to stop using the drug entirely but it seemed that he was using it just as much as when they had found him. He was more disappointed in himself for not being around to help him through his addiction. The other dwarf had been doing better when they had come back but thanks to all of the King's absences, he was going backwards.

“Yeah, I'll go get it,” he replies softly and guides his brother to sit up so he can go get the bag out of his desk. He doesn't really want to take it back over to him but he doesn't feel like he can deny Fíli what he needs. If anything the drug will help him get some sleep and as much as he hated it, he really did need to get some rest.

The brunet sits down in front of the other dwarf and pours the Bliss into the palm of his hand and offers it to him. He hides the fact that he wants to demand that Fíli wait, that he stop using the drug altogether so he can get better, behind a small smile.

His brother wasn't going to get any better if he yelled at him for needing the drug. It wasn't like he chose to use it in the first place. But still the longer he used it the longer he would have to stay in this room and the longer he stayed, the more likely he would become unhappy again.

“Here's your Bliss, Fíli.”

The tension in his body bleeds out when he sees the pile of powder in Kíli's palm, leaning in to nuzzle briefly at the other dwarf's wrist. Dori and Balin had taught him how to take the Bliss from his own palm, both acutely uncomfortable with him taking it from theirs, but he liked it this way better. 

He inhales sharply and the powder burns as it enters his bloodstream, making his eyes flutter with delight. The world goes fuzzy and Fíli slowly sinks down to rest his head in Kíli's lap, rubbing the sleeve of his sleep tunic against his nose to clear away the excess powder. Maybe he could sleep just a little bit..

It feels like only seconds have passed when he's jerking back up off the rug with a piercing shriek, grabbing for the hands that aren't at his throat, kicking out to escape an unseen enemy. He can hear Dain's voice in his ear, whispering about how obedient he is, and how it won't hurt if he just accepts it. Fingers digging into his scalp to yank at his hair, the feeling of bile rising in his throat and pain. There's so much pain, but it's dull and muted, like a memory of a memory, and his feet are bleeding and he can't breathe-

Kíli's face fills his vision and he stares at him, chest heaving and tears slipping down his cheeks. When the nightmares came, Kíli was never there. He was always long gone by the time they woke Fíli, making him twist and shiver in the bed like a beast. It would be Dori that comforted him each morning, Dori that held his hand and promised that nothing would ever hurt him. 

"P-Please.. Please, I want Master Dwalin.. Or Master Dori.. please..! He's going to get me, I need..!" he begged in a whisper, clutching at the hat on his head as he shoved himself back, finding the small, cramped space between his bureau and Kíli's and forcing his way between them. It was tiny, and dusty, but he felt a little safer with the wall at his back and the sturdy wood on either side of him, tucking his feet protectively beneath him. 

Master Dwalin would save him from the bad things, just like he had last night.

When Fíli calls for Dwalin or Dori, it feels like a punch straight to Kíli's gut. His face falls as he backs away from his scared brother and goes to the door to tell the guard outside to get Dwalin. He waits by the door, unsure if he should really be surprised or not that it would Dwalin to save Fíli from his nightmares. Maybe he shouldn't be surprised, he has done nothing but fail Fíli since he came into the mountain, but to know that he doesn't want Kíli to save him makes his chest ache.

“He trusts you to save him,” he chokes out when Dwalin enters the room. He points to where Fíli is hiding between the bureaus and resigns himself to sitting on the bed and waiting for Dwalin to make everything better.

He sits and listens to the soft murmurs and reassuring words that the older dwarf says to get the blond to calm down.

The King hangs his head, only understanding now just how badly he's let his brother down. The only reason why Fíli probably tolerated still having him around was because he believed him to be his Master. If he were anyone else Fíli probably would have left a long time ago. He hangs his head and even with the ache spreading through his chest, he's more determined than ever to prove himself to his brother.

Kíli would make him feel safe again and while he didn't want him to suffer through anymore nightmares, it would be him that comforted Fíli.

Fíli clings to Dwalin as the older dwarf soothes him, having needed some persuasion to come out from his hiding space, but unwilling to let him go now that he had. His tears soak the warrior's beard, and he lets himself be rocked, Dwalin's gruff voice surprisingly calming as it rumbled against his ear. 

"Un.. Uncle Dwalin.." he whispered, trying out this new title and flinching when the dwarf stiffens in shock, about to apologize when Dwalin squeezes him a little tighter, resting a large palm on the back of Fíli's head.

"That's right, laddie. I've got you," he growled, looking over the young dwarf to stare at Kíli, eyebrow arched. He supposed it wasn't a big step, but, that Fíli wasn't calling him 'Master Dwalin' was improvement in a small way. What did confuse him was why Fíli had called for him, rather than taking comfort from Kíli. It seemed the King's absence last night had done more harm than they all expected.

In these few moment of silent conversation Dwalin realizes that Fíli's noises of misery have quieted, and he looks down only to realize that he's fallen asleep again, fingers tangled in his beard and most definitely not letting go for a while. He sighs, but, curls his arms beneath the dwarf so he can lift him and carries him over to sit in the armchair by the fire, amused by the way Fíli immediately readjusts to sit on Dwalin's lap.

"So, since it seems I'm to be here a while, what is it you wished to speak to me earlier about, my King?" he asked lowly, trying to stay quiet so he does not wake the sleeping dwarf against his chest. 

He pauses and smirks a little, readjusting Bofur's hat on the lad's head.

"I don't think I've had a sleeping Durin on my lap since you were both much smaller. I'm glad to see at least one of you still fits."

Kíli moves to sit next to Dwalin and Fíli, feeling guilty and slightly jealous that he wasn't the one that blond was curling into.

“I just wanted to ask you, tell you rather, that I want you to take up running the army and the Guard once more. After yesterday I realized that I can't keep putting Fíli second to the Kingdom. Bofur pointed out that Thorin had a lot of help when he ruled so I'm doing the same,” he replies just as lowly. His brother never woke up before after he had taken his Bliss but that didn't mean he wouldn't now.

“I need you to run the army and the Guard again and I'm going to tell Bofur and Bifur that they're going to be my liaisons for the guilds. Balin is going to start going to two of the council meetings for me and I'm going to start doing my paperwork in here. I was going to tell all of you that this morning but Fíli didn't want me to leave for even a moment after yesterday and I decided that he needed me more than Erebor does today,” he informs the older dwarf, looking into the fire. At least he thought Fíli needed him, apparently he really didn't him specifically, just someone to be here so he wouldn't be alone.

That thought makes his chest ache again.

“Well Fíli is shorter than me, of course he would still fit,” Kíli says forcing a smile.

Dwalin eyes him critically, before reaching out to rest his palm on Kíli's head, wondering briefly if it was inappropriate for the Captain of the Guard to ruffle his King's hair. 

"I'm proud of you, lad. You've come a long way in these few years, and Fíli will know it, too, someday," he hummed, squeezing his shoulder before returning his arm to wrap around the golden haired Durin. After Thorin was dethroned, he accepted the demotion from head of the Guard and the military as the fallen King's Consort. It was deemed necessary if the Kingdom was to trust Kíli, but years have passed and Dwalin had never been the one taken with the gold sickness, so it made sense to reinstate him once more.

"I can take up charge of Nori and his spies, as well, since his duties include keeping Erebor safe, as do mine. That way I can neutralize threats immediately, and inform you once they are taken care of."

That would be exhausting. Working with Nori was about as much fun as taking a bath with an orc, but, if it meant getting the chance to undo even a little of the damage his One had caused, then he would take it in stride.

He looked down at the sleeping dwarf on his lap and exhales softly, reaching up to dry his damp cheeks with his sleeve.

"I thought he would never wish to see me ever again, after what I let Thorin do to him, however unwillingly. He'd always been tough on the lad, but I never expected to see him beat him so ferociously. The last time I saw him lay a hand on either of you was when he caught Fíli stealing from the market. And even then it was only a light spanking. He knew he'd been stealing because you were hungry. It'd been five days since Thorin found work, and there was no food to be had. But he didn't want his.. his son to grow up a thief."

Dwalin's voice breaks slightly, though he'd kill someone before ever admitting it, leaning down to bury his face into the soft leather of Bofur's hat.

"You were both like sons to us. To see Thorin so far gone as to forget that has been.. It's been a long couple of years."

He tightens his arms around Fíli, sounding determined, now, as he sits back up.

"I betrayed him as much as any of you, and yet.. And yet he still asks for me. Calls me 'Uncle' and seeks my comfort." 

It seemed Kíli wasn't the only one to expect nothing but anger and hatred from the golden haired Prince. 

Kíli doesn't say anything for while, unsure exactly of what he should say or even how he feels. It was good that Dwalin didn't seem to mind taking up his old post even if it meant working with Nori. He was happy with that because that would mean spending more time with Fíli.

And there's guilt for knowing that Thorin was beating his brother and not being able to do anything about it. There was some irrational anger aimed towards Dwalin for thinking that Fíli could ever hate him as much as he was going to hate Kíli when he finally got better. Finally there's an ugly jealousy because he wasn't the one that was sought out to comfort the blond.

“Well he doesn't remember anything that happened before he was sent away but I think he knew that there was nothing any of us could do without incurring Thorin's wrath on ourselves,” he says shoving down everything he feels because he knows everything he feels is either his own fault or undeserved.

“I told him earlier that you were related to him by marriage and after you saved him yesterday, I'm not surprised that he looks to you for comfort,” Kíli smiles tiredly at Dwalin. In all honesty he's glad that it's the gruff dwarf that his brother trusts because at least he could protect him like the King apparently can't.

Dwalin's gaze is heavy when it settles on Kíli, and he stares at him for a long while, trying to decide what to say.

"He looks to you, too, lad. But it's good for him to find comfort in others as well, those he can call kin besides blood. If he put everything on you it would be too much for you to bear. But you are his One, and his closest kin. The time will come when he remembers that you are cherished to him above all others. For now, if an old dwarf like me is what helps him rest easier, then I think we owe it to Fíli to be what he needs us to be, for as long as it takes until he can protect himself."

He pauses and arches a thick eyebrow, not about to give into Kíli's attempts to gain pity.

"Perhaps we should start training him again. He always was a natural warrior. Took to the sword as easily as a babe takes to the breast. I'm sure his body would remember its strength if he held his swords once more."

They would start slowly, of course. But perhaps it would give Fíli a better sense of his own autonomy if he didn't feel like he had to depend on others to keep him safe. 

Kíli scoffs internally at that because it's not like Fíli _knows_ that they are each other's Ones or that they're even related. He had lied about that because he's selfish and now he could never admit what they really were to each other. He may remember one day what they had confessed but he doesn't know how far that will go to keep his brother with him. Not after breaking his promise and leaving him to suffer for five years.

He just doesn't feel like Fíli looks to him like he used to, not like he looks to Dwalin now. 

“That's a good idea and it would help keep him busy when I can't be around. As much time as I've freed up by asking you, Bofur, and Bifur to help me there are still duties that I need to tend to,” he says. 

“He doesn't believe that he was ever a warrior, maybe this will have him believing that again and let him see that he's more than just what Dain turned him into.” Maybe it would also help to get Fíli off the drugs if he had a way to work them out of his system.

“Maybe you can start working with him tomorrow or the day after depending on how he feels.”

Dwalin can almost hear Kíli's petulant disbelief from here, but, for now he rolls his eyes and ignores it. If the King wanted to have a sulk, then, he'd let him have his sulk for now.

"I'll have to make sure the inner training grounds are unoccupied, then. It's too cold to train outside, especially with how easy he can fall ill. But you'll have to convince him to wear his boots, my King. I can't have him holding a sword in slippers, and there's no way he'll listen to any of the rest of us if we try and tell him that."

He gave him a look that dares Kíli to disagree, pausing when Fíli shifts in his arms, a soft murmur of 'Kíli' falling from his lips. Dwalin snorts and gestures vaguely as if to say 'I told you so'.

"Training... might have to wait a while longer then," Kíli thinks out loud. He’s not sure about Balin or Dori but he’s never spoken to Fíli about wearing boots before. How was he supposed to convince his brother that boots wouldn’t hurt him if he wasn’t trusted?

He would try to show him tomorrow that boots were safe after he makes sure that he actually wants to do this training with Dwalin. Maybe he would have to try and convince him that training was a good idea first.

As far as Fíli whispering his name in his sleep, he didn’t think on it too much. It didn’t fit with where he thought they stood and he was too tired to figure it out. He was saying his name sure but it wasn’t him that he trusted or looked to when he had nightmares.

That was his own fault of course but he still wasn’t sure about anything.

“Is there any way to prevent something like yesterday happening again?” Kíli asks as he studies his brother and seeing the marks left on him from the kidnapper. The only thing that comes to his mind is keeping Fíli in this room and that wasn’t an option. 

Dwalin shakes his head with a sigh, resting his palm on Fíli's head to quiet his faint movements.

"We got lucky that Nori has been watching him. Now that we know there is cause to keep an eye on Fíli at all times, he'll be sure to see to it personally that Fíli is never truly alone at any moment. Only his most trusted and uncorruptable agents will be set to watch after the Prince," he murmured, trying to quell the anger inside him at seeing those bruises, and the raw skin of his wrists. He was almost unhappy that he had been denied the chance to kill the traitor himself.

"Until the Kingdom knows that their Prince has returned, we'll have to work extra hard to protect him. Nori would also like permission to start recruiting in the Hills, so that way we will get wind of any attacks Dain might attempt in his madness." 

He falls silent when Fíli begins to stir, his eyes slowly blinking open to stare up at Dwalin, before they flicker down to alight on Kíli in the chair beside him.

"Master, I don't feel so good. My throat hurts," he said in a tired whisper, eyes falling shut.

"I can’t see him coming here now that he’s got the Arkenstone but if Nori thinks it’s a good idea then it can’t hurt I suppose. It might make Fíli, all of us actually, feel better if there was an extra line of defense between Dain and him," Kíli says. Dain had hardly seemed to care about losing Fíli so he couldn’t see why he would suddenly care anytime in the future. It would be better to be safe than sorry though, as they say.

He goes quiet when his brother stirs, afraid that maybe he had heard them talking about the King in the Hills and having another nightmare.

“I know,” he says gently, “go back to sleep, that’ll help you feel better.” Kíli pushes a few stray strands of blond hair out of his face.

“I should have asked Balin to see if Oin had anything for his injuries,” Kíli says more to himself than to Dwalin. He probably didn’t have anything for the bruise on Fíli’s neck but there might be something to make sure his wrists didn’t get infected.

“We are going to tell Erebor he’s alive eventually. Not anytime soon, I think we should wait until he’s off the drugs at most and at the very least wait until he won’t get sick so easily.” 

Fíli whines when he's told to go back to sleep, wriggling in Dwalin's grasp until the older dwarf releases him. He slides across the space between them and situates himself in Kíli's lap this time, burying his face in the other's throat and tucking his knees up under his chin, shivering despite how hot and scratchy he feels all over.

"My belly aches," he whispers, squeezing his eyes shut against the much too bright light of the fire, curling his fingers into the King's tunic. 

That makes Dwalin sit up and take notice, and he leans in to press the back of his knuckles to Fíli's temple, feeling how clammy he is.

"I think he may have a fever, my King. It probably did him no favors, the stress of last night, and bein' locked up in that cold, wet cellar. Dori got him into a hot bath as soon as he could, but it is cold in the mountain, and who knows if that dwarf was ill or not when he was breathin' all over him."

He stands up and goes to pull his boots back on, pointing sternly at both Durins in the armchair.

"You stay put. I'm goin' to send for Oin. I'll have the servants fetch some hot water for another bath."

And with that he sweeps away, leaving Fíli to clutch desperately at Kíli, panicking and trying to remember how to breathe.


	12. What If I Need More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fíli has a cold and Kíli decides this isn't really what he wanted when he said he wished to spend more time together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Small, mostly angst free update for everyone before thorinoakenshield leaves for a weekend trip!

Fíli's eyes are wide with fear and his heart feels fit to burst out of his chest when Dwalin leaves the room, unable to calm his breathing. 

"Is there something wrong with me? Am I going to die?" he asked in a ragged whimper. He didn't want to die!

Kíli pales at the word fever. He had tried so hard to keep Fíli away from everyone to keep him safe and all of that was undone by one greedy, bitter dwarf. 

“You aren’t dying, you’re just a little sick. Oin will come see you and he’ll make you better in no time,” he says trying to convince himself just as much as he was trying to reassure the other dwarf. He’s also praying silently that he’s right and Fíli lives. 

He’s not sure if Dwalin meant for them to stay in the chair or just in the room, but he lifts his brother easily and goes to the bed where he can wrap him up in a blanket. Once that’s done he sits on the bed too and places Fíli right back in his lap, running a hand over his blond hair to try to calm them both down.

“You have to stay wrapped up, okay? It’ll help you get over your fever faster,” he explains. He hides that he’s afraid in favor of being calm for Fíli. In his head he’s already cursing Dwalin and Oin for taking so long even though Dwalin has only been gone a few minutes.

“You have to tell me if you don’t feel well. That way we can tell Oin right away and he can make you better faster,” he says gently, trying not to sound like he’s scolding because he’s not. It anything Kíli should have noticed earlier that he was clammy and paid more attention to the fact that he hadn’t eaten much for breakfast.

“I’ll be right here with you the whole time.” 

Fíli whines and attempts to push the blankets off, rubbing his face against Kíli's shoulder.

"It's hot, Master, it's too hot," he protests, his cheeks spotted pink with the fever now and sweat gathering beneath his eyes and on his forehead. Despite that, his shivers continue to get worse as the minutes tick by, and by the time the servants arrive with buckets of hot water for the bath his teeth are chattering, and he's tugging the wool lined hat down to try and shield himself against the light in the room.

He's not exactly cooperative for bathing either, and cries out at the touch of warmth against his already overheated skin. He feels like he's being smothered, getting water everywhere in his attempts to get back out of the bath. 

When Oin has arrived, huffing and puffing from running with his medicine bag, he's been dressed in multiple layers and forced back under the blankets on the bed, shivering and drenched with sweat.

Fíli decided he was definitely not at all enjoying this being sick thing.

Once Kíli has, literally, wrestled his brother back under the blankets, all he can do is pace until Oin arrives. He tried sitting with Fíli but he’s too restless for that and he has started sweating too. He doesn’t go too far though, just pacing up and down the length of the bed.

When the healer finally does arrive, the young King breathes a sigh of relief. He can’t tell Oin much about Fíli’s condition though, only that he hadn’t slept last night and hadn’t eaten much breakfast this morning. Other than that all he knows is what Dwalin has told him and that would only be repeating what the gruff dwarf has already told Oin.

He should stand back while the older dwarf works but he can’t help but hover until Oin tells him to step back. All he can do after that is pace at the end of the bed, stopping occasionally to watch and listen as he hums thoughtfully while checking Fíli’s temperature and pulse.

“Is he going to be alright?” Kíli asks finally when he feels like Oin has been quiet for too long. The healer doesn’t need his ear trumpet to hear the nerves in the brunet’s voice and gives him a stern look to try to get him to settle down. 

Fíli is made all the more nervous by Kíli's anxious pacing, and it's only after he gives him a drink of something gross to help him sleep that he relaxes, closing his eyes and resting back against the pillows.

"He'll be fine, it's just a cold. He needs to rest and drink a lot of water. He needs a hot bath every morning, and the room needs to stay as hot as possible until he sweats it out," the old healer tells Kíli, pulling the furs up under Fíli's chin and patting his chest.

"He's much stronger than he was when we first brought him home, having eaten proper meals and rested up. He just needs to get through it like all dwarves do when they catch a chill. And it'll be a lot easier if you aren't hovering like a nervous parent the entire time."

Oin gives him a look that says this isn't a suggestion, pointing for Kíli to sit down.

"You'll need to give him tea each morning and night made with these, which Dori can help you with, and you'll want to take a dose for yourself over the next few days to make sure you don't catch what he has. To be safe you should both stay here, though. Last thing we need is for you to bring something in that'll make Fíli even sicker when he's already weakened, or for you to take his sickness out and spread it all over the Mountain. I already have Dwalin throwing out his clothes and rinsing himself down," he instructed, snorting with laughter as he gathered up his bag.

"Looks like you get your wish to spend more time with him, after all."

He leaves the room with a wink.

Kíli gapes after the old healer as leaves. He did want to spend more time with Fíli but he didn’t want either of them to be sick to accomplish that. Besides it probably didn’t count as quality time if one of them was sleeping through a fever.

He does calm down a little though with Oin’s assurances that his brother was going to be fine. At least he doesn’t feel like the situation is as dire as he thought it was before. There are some things that he’ll have to work out now to follow the healer’s instructions but at least he has a solid reason not to leave when Balin asks. He’ll still have to do paperwork and probably write out what he needs Bifur, Bofur, Balin, and Dwalin to do according to his new plan.

It was probably a bad idea to have them in here with Fíli sick. At least the paperwork would give him something to do while his brother sleeps.

Eventually he goes to sit next to his brother on the bed, putting the ingredients on the table as he goes.

Fíli makes a grumbling noise when the bed dips under Kíli's weight, rolling over so he can curl around the other dwarf. He's the picture of absolute misery, and he gives Kíli a pitiful look, trying to wriggle his way onto his lap despite the many furs covering him.

"I don't feel good," he whimpered, burying his face in the brunet's thigh with a pathetic mewl of unhappiness and tugging his hat down, wondering if its magic powers extended to belly cramps and a splitting headache.

"And it's so hot in here.. I can't breathe."

He was going to be the furthest thing from cooperative the entire time he was sick, there was no denying that. The medicine Oin had given him still tasted foul on his tongue, and he smacked his lips, trying to clear the flavor away. 

There was one bright side, though. He'd heard Oin say that Kíli couldn't leave, which meant several entire days together, just them. In the sea of bad news, this was the one thing he could be happy about.

Kíli rearranges them so that Fíli can curl into his side like he usually does. He makes sure to stay on top of the blankets though - he’s already hot enough.

“I know but it has to be hot so you can sweat this illness out and get better,” he apologizes. He didn’t like the heat either.

“But I’ll be here with you the whole time and I have to take that tea too, so we can take it together,” he says, slightly scrunching his nose. Drinking the tea sounded about as fun as an all day meeting with the council but at least if he drank the tea he wouldn’t get sick. After a meeting with the council the only thing he had to show for it was a headache.

“You should get some sleep, that’ll help you get better too.”

Fíli shook his head and curled around Kíli as best as he can with the blankets in the way, willingly removing his hat for the sake of the brief coolness of the air on his head. His hair is plastered flat with sweat, and his skin is shiny with it, making him feel sticky and uncomfortable.

"Don't want to sleep. I get to be here with you, for days!" he protested, despite the fact that his eyelids are already drooping from the effects of the medicine. A dry cough rattles in his chest before subsiding, and he makes a vague grumbling sound under his breath, hugging his arms tight around Kíli's waist.

Fíli had always been a miserable patient. Dwarves were a hardy folk and they rarely fell ill, so even a cold tended to be an intensely unenjoyable for them and everyone who got to take care of them.

"M'hungry, but my belly hurts."

And that was just the first on a long list of aches and pains he wanted to complain about.

"You do have me for days so getting a little sleep won’t hurt anything. I’ll be right here when you wake up," Kíli tries. He couldn’t leave the room of course but he might literally be in the same spot when his brother wakes up. He was tired but not nearly as exhausted as Fíli is.

He frowns as he looks to the table, there’s nothing there that would fill his stomach without upsetting it at the same time.

“Lunch will be here soon and I bet either Dwalin or Oin told Dashaw that you’re sick. He’ll bring up something that will help your stomach,” he tells the blond. He remembers eating a lot of soup the last time he was sick and with Bombur in the kitchen it was probably going to be better than anything he had before.

“You can sleep until they bring lunch up and I’ll wake you when they come in,” he tries again. Really he was hoping that the medicine Oin gave Fíli earlier was going to help him win this little battle. 

Fíli made a grumpy noise and managed to situate himself right on top of Kíli, using his belly as a pillow.

"Master Dashaw is nice. I like him," he sighed drowsily, petting the other's arm absently before settling back down again, eyes still firmly glued shut despite his protests about not being tired. Bofur's hat is squished between his chest and Kíli's hips, with him wanting it close but finding it much too warm to wear, and the lump is comforting. 

Finally he manages to settle into a dreamless sleep, thanks to the medicine, and he snores softly into Kíli's belly, not even realizing how inconveniently he's placed himself for the other dwarf to even get a chance to think about rest. Even rigid with muscle as it was, his abdomen makes a nice pillow for the tired blond, and the gentle rise and fall of it with Kíli's breathing is rather soothing in its constant rhythm. 

He sleeps deeply until the smell of chicken and carrots fill his nose, and he slowly blinks awake after what feels like a century or two of rest, muffling a yawn into Kíli's stomach and blinking owlishly at the group of servants that had just entered. They're all wearing kerchiefs tied around their mouths and noses, but he can tell when Dashaw smiles at him by the way his eyes crinkle rather nicely, and he reaches out to accept the still warm bread roll from him.

"Master Bombur has sent up some nice chicken soup for you and the King, to help with sore bellies, he said," the servant told him with a small bow to Kíli, smiling again as Fíli ate the bread quite eagerly. 

"If you need anything else, just have the guard send for us and we'll see it done."

Another bow and he joins the other servants in gathering up the remains from breakfast, easily balancing the plates as they close the door behind him.

"Is his chicken soup anything like his chicken pies, Master?" he asked around a mouthful of bread, sitting up so he's straddling Kíli's thighs and looking curiously over at the table. He's still feverish and his muscles ache horribly, but sleeping does seem to have helped a bit. He's already tired again, but, his desire to eat heavily outweighs his need for sleep in that moment.

Kíli hadn’t really slept before Dashaw came in with their meal. Instead he had dozed happily while he ran a hand over his brother’s hair.

“Yeah, kind of. There isn’t a crust and there’s more broth than a stew but it’s from Bombur so it’s going to be really good,” he says, trying to ignore where Fíli is sitting. He does notice now just how pale he looks thanks to the cold and wonders how he missed that last night and this morning.

He smiles as he guides his brother off of him and wraps him up in blankets again before he brings a bowl of soup and some bread back over to him. He makes a second trip to grab some food for himself and the pitcher of water for them both. He remembers Oin saying that Fíli would need plenty of water and hasn’t forgotten about the tea they’re both going to need later. There’s still hope that maybe Dori will come in and help him with that.

The King isn’t worried about either of them making a mess when the bedding will have to be changed eventually anyway. He eats all the chicken, carrots, and the little dumplings that are in the soup but he steers clear of the celery. He may rule a kingdom but there is no way he’s eating greens.

“What do you think? Pretty good, yeah?” 

Fíli's beaming like it's the best thing he's ever tasted, spooning up the hot soup as quick as he can without burning his mouth. It fills his belly and soothes the ache a little bit, and it warms him from the inside.

Not that he privately thought he really _needed_ to be any warmer, what with everyone insisting he be constantly covered in blankets. He kept this to himself, though, and instead spooned another mouthful of hot broth and chicken between his lips. It was quite arguably the best thing Bombur had ever made for him, but, the cold may be making him biased.

As it was, his nose was already becoming horribly stuffy, and several attempts to sniffle and huff his airways clear did little good against the strength of the cold. Every sniff was accompanied by a cough, and even the soup does little to cheer him up in the end, a miserable look on his face as he sinks back down to hide against Kíli's belly, Bofur's hat clutched in his hand.

He'd fallen ill in the Hills before, but, those had largely been infections caused by his injuries, and he'd been delirious and unconscious for the majority. Beyond that, there was something just grossly undignified about colds and the way they came at you from every possible angle. 

At least the soup didn't make him want to vomit, but the two glasses of water he's told to drink just might, and he flops onto Kíli's lap again and refuses to move, feeling sweaty and hot again.

"We were.. We were supposed to talk about good things.. and have fun," he whined petulantly, his voice muffled by Kíli's tunic.

Kíli chuckles fondly at his brother, gladly letting him rest against him even it makes him sweat a little too.

“Well we can still talk about good things and maybe we can’t have as much fun now but there are still a few things we can do,” he says. He hadn’t really had anything planned to do today since he decided to stay but he could probably think of a few things that at least don’t require Fíli to get out of bed.

“There are a lot of books we could read and Ori has a lot more in the library. Maybe you could read to me and practice a little or I could even read to you,” the brunet suggests. He was sure that the scribe wouldn’t mind running a few books up that Fíli would like.

“Or we can lay here and talk. I could tell you about our journey here, there’s a lot of good stories about that. Oh and Bilbo! He was with us too, just a little hobbit with us dwarves. He was a fussy little thing but he was very brave,” Kíli smiles. It had been years since he thought about their little burglar and he stopped to wonder if he was doing alright back in the Shire.

“You could also try to get some more sleep too,” he tries even though he already knows the answer to that. 

Fíli ignores Kíli's last suggestion, as expected, but his eyes grow wide around when he mentions Bilbo, brows furrowing as snatches of memory flash before his vision. A short, strange creature like he'd never seen before huffing as dishes flew by, that same creature - the hobbit, his brain supplied - flying towards a monstrous apparition with his sword held high and a strange affection growing in his chest, and then that hobbit, that Bilbo... Bilbo Baggins was his name, running at them, and the roar of a great and terrible beast filling the air. 

He'd heard the story of their recapture of the mountain, of course, from Balin, and from Kíli not that long ago, but every time Bilbo was mentioned, Fíli remembered new things about him.

"We were close to this Bilbo. I have many memories of him, I know, even if I do not remember them all right now," he hummed thoughtfully, sliding down to rest his head on Kíli's thigh, drumming out a faint rhythm on the leather of Bofur's hat.

His memories of the quest for Erebor are equally spotty, but as the days go on he remembers a few more snatches here and there, sometimes from dreams, or triggered by something he sees or hears. Like a crack in a dam, the more he remembered, the faster the memories came flooding back through the widening gap. 

"Tell me about us, on the journey."

He squints and pulls the hat to cover his face, sniffling miserably into the soft wool.

“We were close to Bilbo, though not at first, probably because all of us descended on his house and ate of all his food before we tossed the dishes around. He had never left his little hobbit hole before so you and I played a few tricks on him until Thorin got mad at us,” Kíli smiles as he rests his hand on his brother's back.

“You and I though, were always right next to each other on the journey just like we were back in Ered Luin. We had our watches together and even watched the ponies together until we lost a few to some trolls. Bilbo saved us from that but the ponies ran when they heard wargs. We had to run, too and we ended up in Rivendell and you and I got into trouble there. We met Lord Elrond's twin sons and they showed us the good Elven wine and we ended up breaking some furniture which we then used to make a small fire on one of the balconies,” he chuckles.

“Thorin wasn't so mad about the broken furniture but he was unhappy that we had made friends with Elrohir and Elladan and that we had gotten drunk. After Smaug claimed Erebor and Thranduil didn't offer his help, Thorin has never liked elves. You and I never thought like he did so we had no problems being friends with the twins although we made sure not to drink with them after that. They helped switch everyone's stuff around. It took the company hours to figure out who was missing what and where everything went. It was pretty funny.”

“The Misty Mountains was when we really realized what we had gotten ourselves into. First there was the stone giants and we ended up on a path that was part of one of the giant's legs. You and I ending up on opposite legs and that was the first time I thought that it was possible one of us wasn't going to make it to Erebor. The leg you were on collided with the side of the mountain with about half of the company and I don't think anyone took a breath until we rounded the corner and saw all of you alive,” Kíli murmurs. He could remember shaking while he approached Fíli although he wasn't sure if it was the fear or the weather. He had hugged his brother tight and refused to let go until they realized that they were the last ones out in the rain. They had slept closer to each other than brothers should but he remembered not caring.

“The night before the Battle of the Five Armies, you and I found a spot away from the others and talked about how we were scared and you made me feel better by telling me stories from when we were kids. It helped us both forget about what was coming up and that night passed far too quickly for either of our tastes.”

He doesn't go into Fíli's injury and pacing for weeks while he healed because Thorin wouldn't let them see each other, or the injury he himself received escaping from the Mirkwood. His brother didn't need to hear about that just yet.

Fíli's quiet as Kíli tells the story of their journey. He remembers little snatches here and there while he talks, but for now it just sounds like a nice tale, enjoyable but distant. It was a strange feeling, being told you lived through so much and not remembering most of it, but he does remember bits and pieces of the battle, and of Thorin's rage.

He sits up suddenly and his brow furrows, his arm curling behind himself to paw at his back. He rarely thought about the numerous scars there, aided by his inability to see them unless he twisted himself around in front of the reflecting glass. They ached a little on rainy days, but ultimately, they were the least of the scars he bore from his time in the Hills.

Except..

"Not all of these come from Dain.. do they?" he asked quietly, blue eyes uncommonly serious as they fix on Kíli. He also knows there's plenty that Kíli isn't saying about their journey, and their relationship to each other, but he decides to save those questions for another time when his head isn't so foggy from the cold.

“No, some of those are from Thorin,” Kíli admits just as quietly, “after the battle and once you had healed from your wound, he bore down on you to the be the perfect Heir. The deeper he slipped into the dragon sickness, the angrier he got when you couldn't meet his impossible expectations. He used a flogger on you, along with punching you.” He doesn't look at Fíli while he talks, ashamed that he had only stood by while he knew what Thorin was doing to his brother.

“We couldn't stop him without potentially making things worse for you and ourselves. I always helped you bandage your injuries, though. It was one of the few times we ever got to see each thanks to Thorin's rigorous schedule.” He had tried to be around when Fíli had a break but those were so few and far between. The rest of the time he spent either at the archery range, studying with Ori, or somewhere trying to drown his feelings for his brother in ale. That never worked of course but that didn't stop him from trying to do it again the next night.

“That went on for about a year before you were sold to Dain because you couldn't find a bride,” Kíli sighs. He knows that a lot of that is his fault because he had gone to confess his feelings to Fíli and interrupted him and Mysan.

“I understand if you're mad at me.”

Fíli appears lost as Kíli admits his own Uncle had caused some of the many wounds littering his back. Perhaps it would be easier if he'd just pretended they'd all come from Dain and never asked Kíli for the truth.

He looks up sharply when Kíli mentions being angry at him, though, his eyebrows slowly knitting together in confusion.

"Why would I be angry at you? You did not give me any scars," he murmured, withdrawing his hand from his back and tugging his hat back onto his head. He didn't remember much from his time in Erebor, even as Kíli spoke the words felt alien to him. He does remember being tired all the time, though, or perhaps that was just a reflection of how tired he felt right now.

He sank back down to rest his head on Kíli's lap, fingers absently trailing the pattern of stitching on the bedspread. Were his memories of the past going to all be so miserable? He wasn't sure he wanted to remember if that was the case.

"I am going to rest a bit more.." he sighed, letting his eyes fall shut and curling himself around one of Kíli's legs. It'd be time for supper when he woke again, and that always meant something delicious from Bombur. Maybe that would quell the swirl of anxiety and confusion in his belly.

Kíli doesn't answer him to tell him that while he didn't give him the scars, he also didn't stop them from happening. He admitted that they couldn't have done anything that wouldn't have put Fíli or themselves at risk but he still thinks that he could have tried something. Maybe if he had demanded to go with his brother to all the meetings and never left his side, Thorin would have had the chance to hit him.

“Good idea,” he says gently and rubs a hand over his brother's back.

He grabs a few of the pillows and piles them behind him so he can lean back while Fíli sleeps. He should have probably grabbed a book or something to do while they lay here but he really doesn't want to get up now. He stays awake for a while, just rubbing his brother's back and tries to keep his mind off the things he can't change now. Maybe he can stop himself from thinking about it, but there's years worth of guilt that go all the way back to the reclaiming of Erebor. 

To save himself from his own guilt, he decides to just settle into the pillows and try to get a little sleep as well. The last two days haven't been as trying for him as they have for the other dwarf but he hardly ever gets to nap anymore. He stares at the ceiling for a while before the comfort of Fíli laying against him, even with his labored breathing thanks to the cold, lull him into an easy sleep.


	13. What If I Want it to End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fíli is probably the least cooperative sick dwarf Kíli has ever met, and a few poor decisions are made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI there are some potentially triggery things in this chapter involving sickness, drug use, and restraints, so keep the warnings and tags in mind.

When Fíli wakes next, it's to the disappointing lack of supper on the table. He supposes it isn't quite yet time to eat again, and he sits up to rub at his eyes and ask if Kíli will ask the servants to bring a snack before the meal. He's surprised, though, to notice that the other dwarf is fast asleep in front of him, and he takes a moment to study him curiously.

He looks even nicer when he's sleeping. All the stress around his eyes relaxes, and the pinched look between his brows eased, and it made him look younger and happier. 

It makes Fíli smile as he scoots a little closer, combing his fingers contently through the dwarf's beard and muffling a laugh when Kíli all but purrs at the attention. The laugh bubbles off into embarrassed silence, though, when his finger brushes across the other's lips, and pauses. 

He'd seen Master Balin and Master Dori press their mouths together in greeting before. He didn't really quite understand why, but, it seemed like something they had both liked. He'd been too shy to ask about it, though, and asking Kíli seemed even more awkward than asking Dori. 

Fíli gives him a once over to make sure he's _really_ asleep and tosses a cursory glance at the door before leaning in and very carefully touching his own lips to Kíli's. 

Only to jerk away after a few brief moments, his face burning with something that definitely wasn't fever.

Thoroughly embarrassed, now, he nearly falls off the bed to get to the table, reaching out to grab a roll from lunch and stuffing it into his mouth. He wasn't quite sure how that was supposed to help the heat filling his cheeks fade before Kíli woke, but it gave him an excuse to not look at the bed.

His lips tingled pleasantly, even after such a short moment of contact, and he wondered how nice it would be to do it when Kíli was awake to do it back.

Kíli blinks awake, confused as to what woke him, and there's a slight tingle in his lips that he's only felt once five years ago. For a moment he has a little hope that maybe Fíli had stolen a kiss but when he sits up and see's the other dwarf across the room eating a roll, he knows that he was probably just dreaming. Maybe he wasn't even dreaming but remembering what it felt like to kiss his brother. 

He stretches his arms above his head and using the palm of one hand to rub sleep from his eye.

“You aren't supposed to be out of bed,” he says with a hint of amusement because of course he couldn't stay in bed. It wasn't like Fíli to just relax in bed and get better like he should and it seems that the Hills haven't changed that.

The amusement is gone though when he notices just how red his brother's cheeks are.

“Feeling any better?” the King asks. The redness is probably just from the fever or maybe even from Fíli laying on him, and he knows that he needs to stay warm to sweat the cold out, but he wonders if there's a chance of him being too warm.

Fíli almost throws the roll across the room when Kíli speaks, jerking around and nodding with as much enthusiasm as possible. It wasn't terribly subtle, and he reaches up to cover his mouth briefly before swallowing and turning back around to face the table.

"A.. A bit. Tired and sore and still very hot, but I'm hungry more than anything else," he mumbled, grabbing another roll and taking a deep breath to try and compose himself as he heads back for the bed. He's feeling dizzy from his brief adventure to the table, and he's happy to lay down again, ripping the bread into pieces and eating it slowly.

"Are you.. still tired? I apologize for waking you, Master, I tried to be as quiet as possible."

He worries that Kíli woke up when he touched their mouths together. What if he'd felt it? What if he _knew_?

Fíli choked down a piece of bread to muffle the dismayed noise that wanted to rip itself from his throat, rolling over so his back was to Kíli and the other couldn't see his face light up again with embarrassment and shame. 

But it had felt so nice. What he wouldn't do to get to do it again, whatever it was.. Maybe he should suck it up and ask Master Dori.

“No, you didn't wake me. I think I was having a dream and that woke me,” Kíli replies, frowning a little. He's confused as to why Fíli won't look at him but he doesn't push. Had he said something while he was sleeping that made him uncomfortable? He didn't think he talked in his sleep, like his brother seemed to, but then there hasn't been anyone around to tell him one way or the other.

“Well they should be here soon with dinner, probably more soup so you won't have to wait too much longer. And I know you're hot, but Oin said that it was best to keep it hot in here so that you can sweat out this illness and get better,” he sighs. He was hot, too, and considering a cool bath later just to get a little break from the heat. His brother would need a bath, also, but in the morning and it would still need to be hot. It might help him feel better, and at the very least he'll be clean.

“Speaking of getting better you and I will have to drink that tea after dinner,” he groans, already dreading it. It was going to be hard enough to force himself to drink the stuff, he couldn't imagine how he was going to get Fíli to drink it too.

“Did you want to read while we wait?” the King tries, hoping that the other dwarf will at least look at him.

Fíli waits until he has finished the last of the roll to shift onto his back, having mastered his embarrassment and the flush of his cheeks for the most part. His nose wrinkles with distaste at the mention of that nasty tea, though, and he's already trying to formulate a way to get out of having to drink it. He could still taste the foul herbs on his tongue from earlier. 

"I'm already sick and miserable, I don't see the point of making it worse with that stuff," he sighed petulantly, rolling the rest of the way over to rest his cheek against Kíli's knee, blinking plaintively up at him from behind gold lashes.

Reading did sound rather nice, though, and he nods, automatically contradicting himself by wrapping his arms around Kíli's leg so the other dwarf can't leave the bed. It was warm and he was sweating, but being near the King trumped all of that, and so he muffles a soft sigh against his thigh, nuzzling close to him.

"I don't like being sick. But I am happy that you are here with me," he murmured softly. It was probably the only upside to the throbbing pain in his temple.

“That's not going to work this time. If I have to drink the tea then so do you,” Kíli says with a fond smile. He doubts this is the end of this particular fight but maybe if he can show Fíli that he can drink it, then maybe he will too. Then he gets to look forward to doing it again tomorrow night and possibly the next night after that.

He rests a hand on top of his brother's hatted head, not understanding how he can wear it when he's already sweating from the fever.

“I don't like that you're sick either but it is a very good excuse to be able to stay with you for a few days,” he says. He is happy to spend time with Fíli, the more the better, but he does wish that they could grab all the blankets on the bed and go sit out under the stars together. It should be okay to do with enough blankets and when everyone was healthy.

“We will be spending more time together after you get better though,” the King says with just a hint of excitement. He doesn't expect to be trusted and it's that reason that he doesn't go on and on about all his plans and how Dwalin has already agreed to take up his post as Captain. Bofur also already agreed too so really all he had to do was talk with Bifur, who he thought would easily agree since it would benefit Fíli, and Balin.

The old Adviser might be a little harder to convince but he was going to take Bofur's advice and start acting like the King he is.

“If you want to read a book you'll have to let go for minute,” Kíli chuckles softly.

Fíli's only visible reaction to Kíli mentioning they'd get to spend more time together was a faint pursing of his lips, brows furrowing beneath the brim of the hat. He'd heard that many times by now, and he doubted most heavily that it was true. Maybe he'd make it for supper once or twice, like before, but ultimately he'd be spending a lot of time with Bombur's family again.

At least he wouldn't be alone. 

He stiffens when he remembers that his kidnapper had somehow taken him from Bombur's home, reflexively tightening his arms around Kíli's leg and refusing to release him.

"Master Bombur's isn't safe anymore.. Someone found me there, and took me away.. Someone else could find me again and take me, or take one of the children," he whispered, burying his face in Kíli's thigh and fighting the urge to cry.

He'd _liked_ it at Bombur's home, with his warm den and delicious food, and his always welcoming family. He didn't want to not visit anymore, but what if little Gerta was the one taken next time? Or if someone bad burst in there to hurt him and ended up hurting one of his friends, or the little ones? He was dangerous to them. For their own safety, he should stay away from now on.

Kíli frowned at that, laying back and pulling his brother up so that he can lay on his chest. 

“Bombur's is perfectly safe and no one has any reason to take any of the children. You were outside of their home and alone when you were taken. I was told that they one who took you was watching you but he didn't dare try anything because you were always with a member of the company,” he says gently. Nothing had happened for weeks and he believed that it never would have happened if one of the kids hadn't said the bad word. Not that he blamed the little one, accidents happened after all.

“Besides, Nori and his network of people are on the lookout for people like that dwarf now. If you do have to go back to Bombur's you'll be safer than ever,” he tells Fíli. He probably wouldn't be going back there for a while with what the King has planned but if he does he'll be safe.

“You're safe there and so are the kids. Bofur, Bifur, and Bombur don't look like it but they're amazing fighters and they can protect you. Berta isn't a lady to be messed with either, especially when it comes to her children,” he tries to soothe as he runs a hand over blond hair.

“You can be a fighter, too, if you want. I know it's been mentioned to you before, but Dwalin told me that if you agreed, he would start to train you with the swords you used to use as soon as you're ready. The only rule he has is that you have to wear boots so your feet don't get hurt,” Kíli says lowly.

Fíli blinks at that and sits up so suddenly his vision swims for a moment, taking a second to reorient himself before staring wide eyed at the other dwarf.

"I can learn how to fight again? How to protect myself and my family?" he asked, voice tinged with no small amount of excitement and perhaps a bit of desperation as well, shuffling closer to Kíli and pleading silently, now, with his eyes.

"I'll do anything it takes if I can learn how to be a warrior again."

If he could wield a blade, then Dain could never touch him again. If he even tried, Fíli would bury the blade in the hated King's belly.

Or, if all else failed and everything seemed lost, his own.

The seriousness of the moment is somewhat ruined by Fíli suddenly sneezing and having to rub his face clean with his handkerchief, a gift from Dori when he made the mistake of using his sleeve one day to wipe his mouth. It was already dirty from just one afternoon of being sick, and Fíli sinks back down into the pillows with a miserable noise, pulling Bofur's hat down to cover his face completely.

"Just leave me here to die."

Kíli stifles a laugh at his brother's dramatics, taking the chance to go grab the book on astrology and another one on Durin the Deathless.

“You aren't going to die, Fíli. In fact I bet that you'll be feeling a lot better by tomorrow after you get a good night's sleep and drink that tea,” he says with a grin as he puts the books by the bed and lays back down.

“But yes you can learn to fight again. I told Dwalin it was a good idea but I wanted to ask you and make sure you wanted to learn. We can go get you a good pair of boots when you're better and as soon as you're comfortable wearing them, we'll tell Dwalin,” he muses. Maybe getting Fíli into a pair of boots would be a lot easier than he thought it would be. He probably still isn't just going to slip them on and be fine but it might not be the fight he was expecting it to be.

“Maybe I'll come down some day and see how you're doing,” the King smiles. Even though his brother had trained daily with Dwalin everyday for a year after they had taken back Erebor, he never got to watch. Thorin had made sure that their schedules were as opposite as possible to keep the two apart. He used to love watching Fíli train in Ered Luin.

Ahh, yes. He did say he'd put boots on, didn't he? Fíli removes the hat from his face and sits up, a frown on his lips as he tries to digest this. His toes flex inside his socks, and he resists the urge to reach down and touch them calmingly.

Kíli's boots were pretty innocuous, sitting by the door where the dwarf had left them, crusted with a bit of mud but otherwise unthreatening in appearance. Still, even just the idea that he'd have to wear a pair of his own is enough to peak his anxiety, and his breathing pitches without him noticing, caught up in trying to picture what wearing those boots would be like. Would it squeeze like the punishment boots? Would they be as cold and rigid and evil?

He looks at the King with panic etched into his face, hand shooting out to grab at Kíli's wrist with a vice like grip.

"Please don't make me do it, Master. It'll hurt me," he begs in a soft whisper, pulling his legs under him so his feet are hidden beneath his body. A dull, phantom ache settles into the bones.

“I won't make you wear them, Fíli, but you can't train without boots on,” Kíli sighs. It seems he was wrong in his previous thinking. He scoots close to his brother and wraps an arm around his shoulders.

“They don't hurt and if they did I wouldn't make you wear them. Every dwarf in Erebor wears boots, even I do, and they don't hurt them. The boots you would wear during training are very different from the boots he made you wear,” he says. He has never seen a pair of boots like Dain had put on Fíli but he can least guess that they were different from the animal hide ones he himself wore.

“You don't have to worry about that tonight though. Dwalin said that he would start your training whenever you were ready so there's no rush. Besides your sword training would have to wait until you were better anyway,” the younger dwarf smiles gently. He reaches over and grabs the books he had gotten and offers Fíli's astrology book to him.

“So we can worry about all of that later and tonight we can read if you still want to. I brought your book and another one on Durin the Deathless. Balin probably told you about him but he lived for a very long time and did a lot more than he probably had the time to tell you. Now I can read to you or, you can read to me, it's your choice,” he offers, trying to change the subject and hopefully calm his brother back down.

Fíli swallows thickly, looking down at the heavy book in his hands. He ends up hugging it to his chest and crawling on top of Kíli, using his belly as a pillow once more and refusing to be moved from that spot.

"Can you read to me? I want to hear your voice," he asked in a low murmur, closing his eyes. Kíli's voice was soft and even, and he liked hearing it. Especially when he was resting on his chest or his stomach, and it made him sound all rumbly against Fíli's ear. 

His head was hurting again, and Bofur's hat was a small comfort with his fever picking up once more, but maybe if Kíli read to him a little he could get a little more rest until supper came. Maybe there'd be more chicken soup, or Bombur's hot mashed potatoes with butter. Something soft and warm and easy to eat.

“Of course,” Kíli replies as he cracks the book about Durin open since it seems like Fíli wants to hold onto his astrology book. He holds it open with one hand and keeps the other on his brother's back as he reads, only moving it to turn the pages.

He read first about the creation of the dwarves and how they almost weren't allowed to be, until Eru took pity on them. The first seven fathers of the dwarves were laid to sleep until after the elves had awoken. He then goes on about how Durin wandered south after waking up in Mount Gundabad alone, unlike the other fathers that had mates, and saw Kheled-zâram and the stars that looked like a crown. He took that as a sign and started to build the great city of Khazad-dûm in the caves just above the lake.

The brunet was just about to turn the page when there was a knock at the door and Dashaw peaks into the room, a kerchief still covering his face. He beckons the other in and Dashaw and the other servants come in with their dinner. It's soup and bread again but he isn't about to complain; the soup is really good.

Dashaw also puts down a kettle with already heated water and two tea cups, making sure to point it out to the King. Kíli wrinkles his nose a little but nods, they'll drink it together and quickly. Hopefully that won't make it seem so bad.

“Fíli, dinner is here,” he says as the servants clean up the dishes from lunch.

The blond Prince remembers falling asleep somewhere around the time Durin was making his journey to Gundabad, and when he wakes his mouth tastes like sand and his tunic is soaked with sweat. The mention of supper has him perking up a bit, though, and he sits up with a low whine, shoving his book protectively under the pillows so it wouldn't get soup on it.

"My stomach hurts," he mumbled, rubbing at his face, which itches from the faint creases imprinted on the skin from Kíli's trouser ties. His belly feels like snakes have crawled inside and are now fighting, making the bile rise up in his throat.

He barely makes it to the adjoining bathing room where their chamber pot is kept before he's vomiting up everything he ate for lunch. Bofur's hat ends up somewhere on the floor in his panic, his body straining to purge itself of every single thing in his stomach. The heaving continues long after it's empty, however, and by the time it finally subsides he's spitting up weak strands of yellow bile, his skin pale and drenched with sweat. His hair is plastered to his forehead and he whimpers weakly when he falls back onto his ass on the floor, the smell of sick only serving to make him nauseous all over again. 

He cannot physically bring himself to gag anymore, and lays down on the cool stone floor to rest, gasping to fill sore lungs with air. 

Being sick had stopped being mildly inconvenient and was now bordering on downright misery.

Kíli watches Fíli go, asking Dashaw to send someone up to clean out the chamber pot before he bows and leaves. He waits outside of the bathing room until the heaving stops before heading in and wetting a cloth in a bucket of water.

He ignores the smell of sick, remembering that it’s not the worst thing he’s ever smelled, as he kneels next to his brother. He wipes the wet cloth across Fíli’s forehead and across his lips and chin, cleaning him up as best as he can, before going to clean the cloth out and coming back and folding it neatly to place on his forehead. The King wants to ask if he’s okay but considering that he had just thrown up, it didn’t seem like the smartest thing to do.

“We’ll stay in here for a few more minutes, until your stomach settles a little but you can’t lay on the floor too long. It’ll make your illness worse,” he murmurs as he flips the cloth over to the cool side.

“I’m sorry you’re sick,” he apologizes. Kíli can very easily blame all of this on himself and he does. If he had actually been trying to spend time with Fíli, he wouldn’t have been at Bombur’s yesterday and he wouldn’t have been taken and wouldn’t have gotten sick. 

"But the floor is nice and cool," Fíli mumbled in vague protest, rolling over so that he can rest his cheek on Kíli's thigh. It's warmer than the stone, but much more comfortable, so he accepts the sacrifice in exchange for a little ease. He jerks up when he realizes his hat is missing though, and scrambles over the King's lap, only relaxing when he's found it again and placed it safely back on his head. 

Kíli was here, and there were guards outside the door, so Fíli didn't really fear any attack, but the idea of losing his special gift from Bofur was terrifying. Once it's been reacquired, though, he's quick to sprawl back out across the cool stone floor, letting the chill seep into his overheated skin.

He feels a bit better now that his stomach is empty, really, though the fever burns hotter than ever, and he's absolutely disgusting from sweating through his clothes.

"Can I have a cold bath? I'd do anything for a cold bath," he croaks, turning his head to bury his face in Kíli's thigh, hoping that maybe if he gets his King just as gross and sweaty he'd be more partial to the idea of a bath.

“You can take a bath but it has to be warm. The cold water will only make you sicker,” Kíli sighs. He understands being too hot and wanting to cool down but not while Fíli is sick. Oin even specifically said that the water had to be hot and he wasn't about to go against the healer's orders, even though all he wants to do is give in to his brother's needs.

“I'll take one with you and then we'll go have that tea. That should help settle your stomach and maybe you'll be able to eat a little and keep it down.” He did need a bath himself since he had spent all day laying next to the other dwarf in an almost sweltering hot room. And he's a dwarf, he has a natural high heat tolerance.

When another dwarf comes in to clean out the chamber pot, he asks for a bath to be brought up for them. He decides it's okay for them to lay on the floor while the bath is filled, he just moves them a little closer to the far wall to make sure they stay out of the way.

“I know it's not cold but it'll still be nice to be clean,” Kíli says apologetically.

Fíli grumbles about not understanding how a tea so noxious just thinking about it made him feel ill was supposed to help him keep anything down as he's helped into the bath tub, sinking into the water up to his eyes. It's not cold like he wishes it were, but, it's better than nothing, and after a little while the heat is actually quite nice, working out the soreness in his muscles.

He's all but ready and willing to fall asleep right there in the bath, his eyes shut and feeling blessedly cleaner than he had a moment ago. The heat seems to help his aching belly, as well, and after a decent soak he feels slightly more like a dwarf and less like an overheated, sweaty rag. 

His hair is still disgusting, though, and he undoes the loose, messy braids so he can turn around for Kíli to scrub his hair, arms aching too much to stay up long enough for him to wash it himself. Besides, he did rather enjoy feeling Kíli's fingers sliding through his hair, and the scratch of nails against his scalp was quite relaxing.

Fíli only climbs out when the water starts to cool and the shivering starts, letting himself be briskly dried with a towel and wrapped up in a soft woolen robe. A bit like getting a hug from a blanket, he decided, crawling onto the bed and sprawling face first into the mattress.

Kíli chuckles to himself as he watches his brother crawl back into bed, making his way over the dresser and pulling out a clean set of clothes for each of them. He pulls on his smalls and a pair of trousers but leaves a tunic off so that he can dry his hair. His head felt incredibly lighter without all the braids and it helps him feel like his old self, when he had ran around with nothing but a clip in his hair.

Fíli's clothes are laid at the end of the bed as he walks by on his way to make some of that tea. He's okay with letting him lay in his robe for a while but if he has to guess it won't be for too much longer since the robe is wool and will get too hot soon. The light tunic and trousers that he picked out will make sure that he doesn't get too hot.

He makes the tea, doing it like Dori had taught him to, and can't help but notice that it smells almost as bad as Fíli being sick had. And somehow the King not only has to drink it himself but he also has to get his brother to drink it too.

“Come on, let's drink our tea and get it over with,” he sighs as he makes his way back to the bed.

Fíli had been doing his best imitation of a pillow to try and get out of drinking the disgusting herbal brew, but it doesn't do him any good as Kíli brings over a steaming mug of the stuff. His face is pinched unhappily as he takes it, sitting up on the edge of the bed.

"I think Master Oin just likes to make things up because he enjoys the suffering of others," he griped, taking a deep breath and tipping the tea back as fast as he can. It scalds his tongue a bit on the way down, but it's finally over with and he's left to lick at his lips, looking for all the world like he'd just been force fed a slug. 

He limps to the table and immediately tucks into the first thing he sees, a bowl of tomato soup he discovers, and only relaxes when he's rid of the horrid taste of the herbs. He was pretty sure it wasn't worth being better a little faster if it meant having to drink that every day. He misses Dashaw, who had been overseeing the draining of the tub, the removal of their wet towels, and the settling of a clean chamber pot, going to whisper something in Kíli's ear, looking grave.

_"Master Oin has told me to pass along the message that the Prince is not to be allowed his Bliss until he is better. He warned that the risks of combining the medicine with the drug are too extreme to allow him even a little bit."_

Kíli drinks the tea just as quickly, swallowing the disgusting drink in as few giant gulps as possible. He shudders at the taste and has to breathe deep to keep it down. Fíli is probably right about Oin enjoying the suffering of others, he’d believe it anyway.

“Thank you,” he whispers back to Dashaw, giving him a tight smile. So far his brother hadn’t even asked for his Bliss today, and he’s never really had to deny him the drug before. He’s seen what happens when he goes too long without it and isn’t really looking forward to adding that on top of the cold symptoms. Hopefully Fíli will understand why he can’t have it and not hate him too much when he’s told.

Well, maybe this could help him get off it in the long run.

The young King joins the other dwarf at the table as Dashaw and his group start to clear out. He digs into a bowl of tomato soup too, looking forward to getting the taste of that drink out of his mouth. He hums appreciatively when he finally gets the flavor of tea off his tongue and can actually taste the soup.

“Bombur really does make the best food,” Kíli says to Fíli with a smile. 

Fíli nods, his mouth too full to properly speak to the other dwarf. It does taste delicious, and the soup warms him pleasantly inside. He managed not to spill a lot, either, despite how bad his hands were shaking. He drains a cup of milk dry, and a cup of water, before he feels even remotely more alive. 

When he's done eating, though, he knows what time of day it is, and he turns to Kíli with a small, uncertain smile on his lips.

"Master.. Would it be alright to have my Bliss?" he asked quietly, fiddling with the belt of his robe. He'd been good, and not asked for it at breakfast, like Master Dori said he had to start trying to do. But right now all he really wanted was his drug and the dreamless sleep it offered. As it was, he couldn't even tell if his shivers and sweats were from his illness or being without the drug for so long. 

Surely Kíli wouldn't refuse him when he'd been so good today?

Kíli drops his spoon back into the remainder of his soup when his brother brings up the Bliss. He stirs it absently and tries to ready himself for Fíli’s reaction when he’s told what Oin said. He expects him to be mad or for him to sulk and not want to be near him again.

“I’m sorry but I can’t give you your Bliss while you’re sick. Oin said that it would have a terrible reaction to the medicine you’re taking,” he says apologetically. He looks over to the blond with a frown, he wants to give in and get the Bliss since he still needs rest but he won’t go against the healer’s orders. As much as he wants to make Fíli happy, he needs to listen to Oin too.

“I’m sorry, Fíli. You’ve been so good today too but Oin made it sound like it could kill you if you had your Bliss while you’re sick,” he says lowly as he stirs his soup absentmindedly. The brunet wasn’t ready to lose his brother permanently and specially not to this drug. 

At first, Fíli doesn't really react to what Kíli says, his eyes wide and mouth slack with surprise. Balin and Dori had told him 'no' to extra doses of the drug when he had asked for them before, but he'd never been denied his normal doses, and especially not by Kíli.

"But.. But you said all I had to do was ask for it, and you'd let me have it," he said weakly, his face crumpling and lip beginning to quiver. How was he supposed to sleep without his Bliss? What about the bad things in the dark?

"I'll stop taking the medicine, I don't need it!"

He all but threw himself at Kíli's feet, grabbing at his tunic and looking desperately up at him, his breathing fast and panicked.

"Please don't take it away from me! You promised you wouldn't until I was ready!"

Kíli doesn't look at Fíli, he can't if he wants to stand his ground. If he looks into those blue eyes he knows that he'll cave and give him the Bliss, even though Oin said not to. One thing that is apparent to him is that his brother will never be ready to be off the drug. Even after he was told that the combination of the Bliss and his cold medicine could kill him, he still wanted it.

Fíli was meant to eventually just stop asking for it on his own but it was obvious now that if that decision was left up to him, he would continue taking the Bliss until it eventually killed him.

“I know what I said but I can't give it to right now. The medicine is already in your system and you do need it to get better. No matter what if I give you the Bliss now it'll be bad for you,” he murmurs. Kíli doesn't think that his brother will understand, but it might be worth repeating.

“You don't need the drug to sleep. You've slept twice already today without it and you have your hat and the candle. I'm not going anywhere either.”

Fíli is starting to get desperate, and he claws at Kíli's legs, his pupils shrunk to pinpricks with fear and on the verge of hyperventilating. 

"You can't take it away! You can't! You promised me!" he screamed, and the noise he's been making in his panic has gotten the attention of others, both Dwalin and Oin enter the room and the guard firmly closes the door behind them, drawing to a halt when they see the pair.

Fíli believes he's got alternatives, now, however, and crawls towards the others to clutch at the front of Dwalin's long coat, tugging and petting at the fur edging.

"P-Please, I need it. Master won't let me have it, Master is a liar, but please! I'll die if I don't get it," he begged in a whimper, tears sliding down his cheeks. But he only sees pity in the bigger dwarf's eyes, and Oin doesn't seem any more willing to give him what he wants than Dwalin or Kíli. 

So he makes a grab for Dwalin's boot knife, wondering if he can use it somehow to get what he wants. But Dwalin is faster than him, and stronger, and he screams when he finds himself hauled up by the wrists and pinned against the wall, struggling against the bald dwarf's grasp.

And Fíli dissolves into broken sobs, going limp against the stone.

"I need it.. I can't survive without it.. Please..!"

Kíli hops up as soon as Dwalin has his brother pinned to the wall, broken out of his own guilt ridden thoughts that had started when he was called a liar. He's intent on pushing the gruff dwarf away but Oin stops him before he can do anything rash.

“I've been thinking,” the healer starts and guides the King back over to the table so he can sit, “now might be the best time to get the Prince off the drug.” He finishes, making Kíli finally look away from Dwalin and Fíli and to him.

“He's much healthier than he was before and he's put on a bit of weight. He already has to miss his doses because of the medicine, now would be a prime time to wean him off his drugs completely, even with his cold.”

All the King can do is look between Oin and Fíli who is still pinned to the wall by Dwalin. He's already having a hard enough time dealing with his brother's need for the Bliss right now, he can't imagine how bad it's going to be later. His brother already called him liar, he'll probably hate him completely before all of this is over.

“If you think he's ready then I agree. The sooner we get it over with, the faster he'll have a clear head,” he sighs.

“The only catch is that he might need to be tied down to keep from hurting himself or anyone else,” Oin says and right then Kíli is about to call it off. There is nothing that they could ever say to Fíli that would make him understand being tied down and he has no doubts that it was something Dain had done to him.

“He's already gone after Dwalin's knife,” the healer points out. The brunet looks at his brother before letting out a long sigh. If he was willing to try and grab a weapon off Dwalin, then there really was no telling what else he would do in order to get to his Bliss.

“If you think that's best,” he agrees quietly.

As Kíli expected, the golden haired dwarf is the opposite of cooperative as he's secured to the bed, kicking and screaming at the top of his lungs. The rope Dwalin uses is of Elvish make, soft and gentler on Fíli's skin than regular rope or iron. Still, with the way he's thrashing will undoubtedly hurt his wrists no matter what, though it'll be less so. 

Dwalin sits heavily in the chair by the fire and tries to block out Fíli's sobbing cries, his brows knitted together and heavy from the thoughts weighing them down. Was this really the only way to get Fíli off the opium? He knows that Fíli has made very little moves towards that end goal, but was it really so wrong to deny him the one thing that gave him any sort of peace?

"How long will it take for his body to be rid of the drug?" he growled, briefly wondering if Oin could even hear him over Fíli's strangled wails and hiccupping sobs. He wants to gag the lad, just so he can hear himself think, but on top of everything they've already put the sick dwarf through, he had a feeling that would be one thing too many. 

"At least a fortnight, to get past the worst of the withdrawal symptoms. His body will be working hard to rid itself of the unnatural poison. He'll need to be fed and watered regularly, and bathed. The symptoms he'll suffer will be much like those you would expect from a bad strain of sickness. Chills, sweating, hallucinations, nausea, diarrhea.. But on top of that there will be the emotional strain. He'll be angry, and upset. He'll try to bargain and beg and do anything in his power to get free or convince someone to give him the drug. We'll have to take it in shifts to make sure no one gives into his pleading and manipulating," Oin says in his usual half yell, and Fíli seems to quiet at this, as if understanding that they were discussing something related to him.

His face is bright red and streaked with tears, and his wrists, which had not yet healed from the attempted kidnapping, have already grown pink around the edges of the rope from his pulling. His chest heaves with his panicked gasping, and when his eyes meet Kíli's again his expression crumples, legs pressed so tight together his muscles ached with the strain.

"P-Please.. Please don't.. You promised you wouldn't..! You said I get to choose! You swore I had a choice!" he sobs, trying his best to twist away from the King. 

Being tied to a bed only meant one thing to the golden haired dwarf. The fact that Kíli waited so long to show his true colors, that everything he'd said about family and friends and a future really was all lies after all, struck Fíli like a blow to his very soul. He'd waited until Fíli trusted him, until he _loved_ him, and then he betrayed him. Some tiny, dark corner of Fíli's mind is screaming in triumph because it had always known this was the inevitable conclusion. There was only one way this story was going play out, and it wasn't with Fíli getting his happy ending with Kíli. Lowly whores didn't get happy endings.

“I don't know if I can do this,” Kíli admits quietly to the older dwarves. He was already willing to give in, he wasn't sure that he could handle what was to come.

This is not how he expected his brother being sick to go. He just wanted the other to be better and to start showing him that he was serious about spending more time together. Now all the time that he had cleared would be spent here with him tied to bed and begging not to be touched or begging to be let go.

“If you want him to get better, then you'll have to,” Oin deadpans. The King studies him for a minute before taking a deep breath and nodding. He does want Fíli to be better and he'll need to be strong for that to happen.

Without a words to Oin or Dwalin, Kíli gets up and goes to the bed. He's careful to make sure that he doesn't touch the captured dwarf as he grabs a blanket and covers him up. He's still sick after all and needs to sweat out his cold.

“You do have a choice Fíli, you always do. This is just until the drug is worked out of system and we know that you won't go after any of our weapons just to get your Bliss,” he says sadly and grabs one of the extra pillows. He's content with sleeping on the floor if that makes his brother more comfortable.

Fíli's face twists into an ugly expression and he itches to throw himself at Kíli and make him stop telling lies. He'd promised all Fíli had to do was ask for the Bliss and it would be given. He'd promised to be there for Fíli when he needed him. He'd promised he would never go anything to hurt him like Dain. And he'd broken all those promises, and more. 

"How am I supposed to believe anything you say," he hisses, turning away from the other dwarf as best as he can with his wrists tied up above his head. 

Dwalin heaves himself up out of the chair with a heavy sigh, folding his arms over his chest and fixing his gaze on Kíli.

"He is lashing out because he is hurting. Don't take anything he says to heart, my King," he murmurs, reaching out to squeeze Kíli's shoulder before turning to go. He pauses when he reaches the door, though, letting Oin go through ahead of him so he can turn back to look at Kíli.

"Would you like me to stay with you, and help abstain from giving into him?" Maybe with two of them there they'd be less likely to give into the Prince's cries for his drug.

“You don't have to believe me for what I'm saying to be true,” Kíli replies evenly as he plops himself in front of the fire. He's tired and his chest aches and for the first time in his life he's envious of Dwalin and Oin who get to leave his brother behind. All the time that he's wished to be here he feels like has been wasted now that he wants to be anywhere but this room.

That thought makes him even more like a terrible brother.

“You don't have to,” he says, looking up at the older dwarf. He knows Dwalin is right about Fíli just lashing out but that doesn't mean the words don't hurt.

“But your company would help. Just until he falls asleep, if he falls asleep,” Kíli mumbles. It was funny that while he'd always thought of Dwalin as family, he never really thought of his as an Uncle until Fíli had pointed that out. Maybe it was just because they never called him Uncle. Thorin always had that title and his husband was just Dwalin. Though, the warrior has been much more of an Uncle figure to the brothers in the six years that they had been in the mountain than Thorin.

“This is not how I wanted our time off together to go.”

Dwalin offers him a weak smile and closes the door, going to sink back down into the armchair by the fire. Fíli's screaming has subsided into soft crying, and he does his best to ignore it, knowing it's probably even harder for Kíli. It seemed so unfair, that Fíli had to once again go through so much pain, and there was nothing they could do to help.

There is one other option that might help Fíli, but he's wary to suggest it, and is even angry at himself for thinking it.

"We could always.. send a missive to the elf King in the forest. There must be some sort of strange elf healing that could help."

He shudders, feeling dirty for speaking such a thing out loud. But this wasn't about him, or the enmity that still existed between their races. This was about the miserable, suffering dwarf on the bed behind them, who had been through unimaginable tortures, and still had more to survive before he could truly live again.

No, if Thranduil or even Elrond of Rivendell had any way of helping Fíli, then it was a matter of duty that they put aside their disdain for the pointy eared bastards. Even if it meant Dwalin's skin crawling every moment they were in Erebor. 

Kíli studies Dwalin for a second, his mind turning over the idea of ask Thranduil or Elrond for help. He never felt the animosity for the elves that the older dwarves seemed to, a lot of that thanks to Fíli when they were younger. Still he wasn't sure if either of the Elven leaders would help or even if they should know just how bad Fíli is.

Still if it helps his brother, how can he justify not asking?

“I'll send a missive to King Thranduil first thing in the morning, he's closer and it might help relations if I reach out to him for his help,” he says. Hopefully asking for aid would show the Elven King that not every son of Durin was plagued by dragon sickness. Mahal he'd offer up the Arkenstone in return for Thranduil's help if he had it and if he knew it would help.

“If he can't or won't help, then I'll contact Lord Elrond. He's a better healer from what I've heard but he's also farther away from us,” he muses. It might take the Lord of Rivendell just as long to get to Erebor as it would for Fíli to work the drug out of his system.

“Maybe Lord Elrond would be more inclined to help if I offered to pay for the damage we did while we stayed there,” Kíli tries to joke, in reality it might be a very good idea.

Dwalin ground his teeth, but nodded, trying to fight back decades of loathing and distrust for the tree shaggers. Thorin would be screaming about how they shouldn't bare their weaknesses to the enemy, that the Line of Durin must appear as strong and sturdy as stone, always. 

"Be vague with your wording. If Thranduil refuses then it'll benefit us if the elf does not know that we have Fíli back, or that he is ill. We cannot appear weak to them or they will take it as cause to walk all over us," he growls softly, folding his arms over his belly.

From behind him, Fíli gives a miserable, rattling cough, and it softens his resolve a bit. The poor lad was already sick and unhappy, was it really necessary that they cause him even more pain and discomfort? So soon after the trauma of the failed kidnapping? 

He closed his eyes and leaned forward to bury his face in his palms, rubbing at tired eyes.

"You should go to him. Try to comfort him in what way you can. He'll need what rest he can get before it gets worse."

Kíli nodded, but doesn't acknowledge Dwalin's hate for the elves. He was already planning on being vague anyway, not because he thought Thranduil would use the knowledge against them, but because he didn't want word getting out of Fíli's return. It was so easy to imagine someone reading the missive before it was sent or before the Elven King read it or maybe if he tossed it away someone would get the chance to read it then too.

Internally he can admit that he's being a little paranoid but after the kidnapping he doesn't want anyone else to know that Fíli is back and in a weakened state. There had to be bad elves like there were bad dwarves after all, every race was sure to have its scum.

“If Thranduil knew where Fíli has been and what he has been through, I doubt he would see us asking for aid as weak. Even elves don't condone what Thorin or Dain did,” he says gently. Even if the Elven King was everything that all the older dwarves had ever said about him, Kíli doubts he would approve of the selling of kin and the tortures that Fíli was put through. When they had been locked away in the dungeons of Mirkwood they were still treated as people.

That does raise a question in his mind though if the elves of Mirkwood knew that his brother had left or if they thought that Thorin's story of betrayal and beheading was true.

“He might be more comforted by you than me right now,” he replies before he gets up. The King still doesn't understand how everyone can still think that it's him Fíli needs after he repeatedly says that he doesn't trust Kíli. Still he's learned to just do as Dwalin says, it's better than arguing with him anyway.

“Is that tea helping at all?” He asks dumbly as he sits on the edge of the bed, making sure to keep their bodies apart.

Fíli is feeling more miserable by the minute, and when Kíli comes to ask him if that disgusting tea, the root of his current problem, was actually _helping_ he bares his teeth angrily, tugging on the rope so hard it rattles the metal poles of the headboard.

"No, it's not. I want my Bliss," he hisses, wishing he could kick out at the other dwarf. That'd bring down a punishment, and Kíli would stop trying to keep up this pathetic charade of caring. 

He leans up as best as he can, shoulders screaming at the strain, so he can be closer to Kíli's eye level, his pupils shrunk to tiny pinpricks. He's angry, and he's seething with his betrayal.

"You promised me you would give it to me if I asked. It was one of the first promises you made to me. If you were going to lie to me this entire time then you should have saved your breath and tied me to the bed as soon as we arrived in Erebor."

His voice drops off into a low snarl, sweat sliding down his face from the fever that still consumed him.

"Do you want to fuck me, Master? Make me spread my legs all pretty for you so I can earn my drug the proper way? You're learning lessons from Dain, I see, on how to properly look after your useless whores."

It was a low blow and it was intended to be one, but if Fíli was going to hurt, then so was Kíli. Everyone was going to hurt if that was what it took.

The words hit like a punch to the gut and he's not sure if he's imagining it but there's a real physical ache in chest at being compared to Dain. All of that is hidden a King's facade though, he's unwilling to show his pain to a Fíli that would and will continue to use it against him.

“No, Fíli. I don't want to fuck you and you aren't getting your Bliss so the tea will have to do,” he says evenly although he wants nothing more than to go over and punch Dwalin in his big stupid face for ever suggesting that he come over here.

“There is no way for you to earn back your Bliss anymore. We told you that you were going to be worked off of the drug and that's what is happening. You can be mad at me and say hateful things and tell me I'm just like Dain if it makes you feel better, but it won't get you your drugs back,” the King continues. Although in reality if he does keep getting compared to the King of the Iron Hills, he's going to need to leave for his own sanity. He barely handled being put in the same crowd as Dain the last time Fíli did it.

“You should try to lay down and get some rest, things are going to get worse as the drug is worked out of your system,” he suggest and moves the blankets back up before he gets up to return to the safety of the fire and Dwalin.

Fíli shrieks with rage when Kíli doesn't so much as flinch at his barbed words, jerking and struggling against the ties around his wrists. He kicks the blankets away, daring Kíli to come and fix them again. 

But then his breath catches and he dissolves into tears once more, great, heaving sobs that fill the room with the sound of utter misery. Anger didn't work, so maybe then crying would. Kíli had always made everything better when he cried.

At some point his tears become real, and the sobs that wrack his body are genuine sounds of distress, Kíli's betrayal hitting him all at once. He had lied to him, again. He'd lured him in with promises of being together again, of spending time with one another, and seeing the stars, and shared meals, and no more lonely nights. And now, Dwalin was in on it, too, and Dori and Bofur and Bombur, he expected. All of them had betrayed him.

He was now truly and utterly alone.

Fíli manages to roll over onto his belly and buries his face in the pillows, shoulders heaving with the force of his crying. 

Dwalin refuses to come out from behind his hands.

Kíli sits on the floor and draws his knees up to his chest. He's not sure if Fíli's tears are real or if it's just a way to try to get him to go back over the bed so he can try to hurt him again. He's had enough of hateful words for tonight. He could easily hide behind the face of a King but eventually his brother's words would break through. 

He rests his chin on his knees instead of sarcastically thanking Dwalin for his help like he wants to. Besides it's not the warrior's fault anyway and he's probably struggling with this just as much as he is.

Dain was the one at fault here and while he wasn't here, it was easy for the brunet to add this to the growing list of reasons why he hated the other King. It was good to have him here too. Kíli is sure that he would have untied Fíli already if Dwalin wasn't here as support.

Tuning out Fíli's cries is hard but he tries. He stares into the fire and watches as the flames slowly consume the log that had been placed in there earlier. He's tired and he had grabbed that pillow off the bed but he doubts he'll use it. There's a lot on his mind and as soon as his brother falls asleep, he's going to write that letter to King Thranduil. He doesn't want to waste any time trying to get help.

It takes the better part of an hour for Fíli to cry himself out, but the silence when he's finally asleep is almost more deafening to Dwalin than the Prince's sobs. It's condemning, rife with the sound of their failure to help the young dwarf.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a bit of an extra long update, because it's been a while since we had the time to post one.


	14. What If There's Another Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nori takes the next shift and isn't about to leave until he's said his piece.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Easter! c:

It takes an hour before Dwalin musters the courage to stand on unsteady legs, knowing Kíli was still reeling from the cruel words that had been spat at him, and goes to check on Fíli, unhappy to see his skin red and sweat drenched with fever. The warrior carefully rolls him onto his back and tucks the blankets in around him, mopping the sweat from his brow with a handkerchief. They'd want Oin to check on him again, soon, probably.

"We should keep an eye out for hallucinations. Oin warned they would come with the fever and the withdrawal. I think we can both expect what those hallucinations will include," he said darkly, checking the redness on the dwarf's wrists. If Fíli didn't have waking nightmares about Dain during his recovery, Dwalin would eat his boots. Being tied up wouldn't help, either, but for now it was their only option until someone had a better idea.

Kíli looks over his shoulder at the other dwarf, his words taking a minute to sink in before the younger nods.

“Hopefully he'll sleep for a while first, he's still sick and he needs it,” he replies. He thinks it would be easier for all of them if there was a way for Fíli to just sleep until he didn't need the drugs anymore. That way he wouldn't have to suffer through horrible hallucinations or the symptoms of his withdraws. He would probably get over his cold a lot faster, too.

The King gets up, stretching out his sore legs from being scrunched up for so long. He gave a wary look towards the bed, wanting to go to and check up on Fíli but not wanting to possibly wake him up and be buried under more spiteful words. Instead he goes to his desk and gets out a piece of paper to quickly write a letter for Thranduil.

He keeps it vague, asking for help in dealing with trying to get someone off forced dependency on opium. He doesn't say that it's Fíli, although he does say that it is a member of the thirteen of them that had come into his halls six years ago. He writes that the elven King's help would be greatly appreciated if there was any way he could help. Kíli signs his name and melts a little melted wax on the paper that he presses his signet ring into.

With that done he simply leaves it on the desk for Balin to grab in the morning. 

“Maybe King Thranduil will know something that can help Fíli get through this a little easier,” he sighs.

Dwalin pauses in his gentle stroking of Fíli's hair and nods, grabbing Bofur's hat and tugging it carefully back onto the dwarf's head. He'd heard from Bofur that Fíli believed the hat was magical and would protect him, so perhaps it'd help him when the nightmares struck. 

He stands and makes his way towards the door, reaching out to grab Kíli's shoulder and squeezing it.

"I'm going to go grab a few hours of sleep. I'll send someone along to stand watch with you. I think taking this in teams of two will be best for everyone," he murmurs, offering him a gruff smile.

"Try to rest. You'll need it when Fíli wakes up."

He closes the door behind him and nods at the guard standing watch, a permanent fixture after the attempted kidnapping, and makes his way back towards his rooms. His expression is calm, but inside he is struggling with the thought that won't escape him.

Would Fíli's rage and the state of him be what Dwalin needed to finally shock Thorin out of the lingering madness?

Kíli doesn't respond, he already knows that he's not going to sleep but he'll try anyway. He knows that he's going to need rest to deal with whatever else his brother is going to say but there's still a lot on his mind. Shocking Thorin out of the last of his dragon sickness is the furthest thing and if he knew what Dwalin was thinking he'd probably lock the old dwarf out.

At the moment he's considering writing to Lord Elrond too, just in case. He prays that King Thranduil will come to Fíli's aid but if he doesn't, Kíli doesn't want to wait to send out a letter to Lord Elrond. The Lord of Rivendell may not get here in time but at least he could send a letter back with some kind of suggestion on how to make the withdrawal easier.

Hopefully one of the Elven lords will help and while he'd be angry if they didn't, he wouldn't really blame them either. It wasn't like Thorin left him with a good reputation with the elves, or anyone else for that matter.

Kíli stares at his desk for a moment before deciding to wait on writing a letter to Lord Elrond until the morning at least, after he talks to Balin about it. Now that he's made up his mind, he realizes that he's alone with Fíli and just how quiet it is. He still wants to go over to the bed and try to care for his brother but he's still wary.

Instead he goes to sit in his chair next to the fire. If he was smart he would probably grab a book to keep his mind busy but all he ends up doing is staring into the fire again.

It's a little after the mid night bell echoes through the mountain that Nori joins Kíli in his rooms, his normally peaked and strictly braided hair undone and pulled behind his head in a long ponytail, his beard hanging loose from his chin. It's clear he'd been woken from a dead sleep by Dwalin, but whatever lingering grumpiness he feels fades at the sight of Fíli shivering and whimpering on the bed, his hands bound over his head.

"Is there really no other way? It seems cruel to do this so soon," he said quietly, startling the young King from his stupor. He stares at him for a moment before taking Dwalin's vacated armchair, folding his hands in his lap.

Dwalin had explained the situation to him, but Nori still wasn't sure he understood Oin's insistence that now was the time. Fíli had already missed two doses, yes, and he wasn't really trying very hard to wean himself off it.. But surely there had to be a different tactic besides trussing the poor dwarf up like a prisoner again.

“He wouldn't still be tied up if there was,” Kíli murmurs, “I know it's cruel but he went after Dwalin's knife when we said that he couldn't have the drug anymore. It's just until we know that he won't hurt himself or anyone else.” He finishes but he's not sure if he's trying to convince himself or Nori. With his Spy Master pointing out what he already knows, he's even more tempted to go over and untie his brother.

“I'm sending out a letter to Thranduil in the morning to ask for his help, he has to know something that's better than this,” he chokes. He's starting to think that he might need the Elven King's help just as much as Fíli does. He doesn't know if he can go through another ten days with his brother being treated like a criminal.

“You should know that he's pretty angry when he's awake. Well he's only been angry at me so far but I'm sure that he'll try anything to get what he wants,” the King sighs. He doesn't know what Fíli would say to Nori that would potentially make him mad but it's probably good he knows ahead of time. He's sure his Spy Master has probably heard worse than anything the captive dwarf could say too.

“Oin says it's for the best though.”

Nori arches an unbraided eyebrow at the other before chuckling softly, picking up Fíli's astronomy book so he can flip idly through the pages.

"I'd be angry, too, if I were denied the one thing that got me through years of abuse and then tied up like a slab of meat at the butcher's," he says slowly, peering up from the book to level his shrewd stare on Kíli. He understood that it was important to get Fíli off the opium, but there was nothing anyone could say to convince him that this was the right way to go about it. Certainly not only days after he'd found Fíli tied up and covered in his own vomit with a dwarf pawing at him like a prize pig. 

He'd been receiving information from the Hills, as well, since after they left, and he knew a lot more about Fíli's time there than most. Of course, he'd only gotten actual permission to recruit spies there in the past day, so, he hadn't told anyone this information quite yet. 

"Dain kept Fíli manacled to his bed for the first month of his imprisonment. He was so weak from his confinement that he had to be carried to the room that would become his home for the next five years."

He says this evenly, and softly, as if he were talking about one of Dori's teas rather than trying to subtly point out why tying Fíli to the bed had to be the stupidest idea anyone had ever come up with. 

“Just what I need, someone else telling me I'm just as bad as he is,” Kíli mumbles and there's tears in his eyes. He can't do this with Nori after being told by Fíli that he was just like Dain. The King scrubs his hands over his face and gets up so that he can pace. He's already inches from calling everything off and he questions Dwalin's thought process in deciding that Nori was the best one to send up here.

He doesn't know what to do or even if there's a right choice in this situation. He wants to help his brother get off the drug but he also doesn't want anyone to be hurt in the process. Being tied to the bed was going to hurt Fíli far worse in the long run though and whatever little was between them is surely gone now. If he woke up to being tied up and hallucinates that Dain is here, there's no telling how badly that could damage him mentally too.

“Either way someone is going to get hurt,” he thinks aloud. It just boiled down to whether someone's physical being was worth his brother's mental being.

It's not really a question at all, though, and he finds himself standing next to the bed and undoing the knots that Dwalin had tied, tossing the ropes away. He can't help but feel like this is the wrong decision but leaving him tied up is wrong, too.

“I'm going to be in the hall,” Kíli says to Nori before he's headed out the door. He needs to step away for a few minutes and collect himself and with the blond still sleeping, he thinks it'll be okay to pace in the hall a few times. The air is cooler out here, a lot more than he thought it would be, but he has been in a room that was heated to nearly as hot it would go.

He walks up and down the hall a few times before the thin tunic he had picked out earlier isn't enough to fit off the chill anymore. Part of him doesn't want to go back inside but he also knows that he needs to and when he does he's thankful for the heat for the first time since they found out Fíli was sick.

Nori watches Kíli appraisingly as the young dwarf undoes Fíli's ties, but there's a shadow of a an approving smile on his lips, and he waits patiently for Kíli to return from the hallway.

"I think, perhaps, the best solution to this problem would be to remove anything that could be used as a weapon from the room, and to make sure no weapons are carried into the room," he murmurs, yawning delicately. Really, why had Dwalin felt the need to bring his boot knife, anyways? It wasn't as if he was going to ever have cause to use it in this room.

"Leave the books and the clothes and such, but remove the metal candlestick holders, the silverware, the plates.. I feel this is a far more viable solution than tying the poor lad down."

He stands and pads over to the table, picking over the remains of their supper before deciding on a pear. When he settles on the edge of the bed, Fíli barely stirs except to roll over onto his side. The blond already looks less pale, even though he's still asleep, and the lines creasing his forehead have eased, letting Nori know it was the right choice to push Kíli into undoing the bonds. He takes a bite out of the fruit and chews, staring at the King with a thoughtful expression.

"As for his struggling, he still isn't even nearly back to his full strength, and if there's two people in the room at all times then there's no way he can overpower both of them, and the guard outside. He'll probably get his kicks and punches in, but, I think most of us can learn to live with a few bruises when considering the other options."

“Yeah well I hope he hits you first,” Kíli grumbles as he sinks into his chair. He doesn't like being guilted into decisions and if Nori could not look so smug about getting his way by comparing the situation and himself to Dain that would be great. If just one person could tell him that he was nothing like his brother's previous Master that would be even better.

He's not sure he would believe them but it would be nice to hear.

Even with Fíli being unbound, he still planned on sending that letter to Thranduil to see if there was anything that could be done to make things a little easier.

“I'm not going to wake up Dashaw just so he can come get the dishes, but,” the King trails off as he gets up and heads towards the table. He gathers up the dishes as quietly as he can, piling everything up neatly before carrying it all towards the door and placing them just outside. The guard raises one bushy eyebrow at the strange behavior since his King would usually just wait until breakfast for the dishes to be cleared.

“No weapons in here anymore. That goes for the company and the other guards as well,” Kíli orders and waits for the guard to answer in the affirmative before he disappears back into the room. He's going to have to figure out what would be okay for his brother to eat while he was sick that hopefully didn't require silverware. He wasn't sure if this version of Fíli remembered that he could be deadly even with a simple spoon.

“I don't know what to do with the candlestick holders,” he admits, “we can't leave those piled in the hallway.”

Nori bows his head in acceptance of that, tossing the remains of the pear into the bin for waste set by the bed. He props his chin up on his fist, elbow resting on his knee, and watches Kíli with interest, his gaze shrewd and calculating as ever.

"Fíli will probably sleep another few hours. The servants can collect them when they come with breakfast," he says simply, looking down at Fíli when the bed moves beneath him. The golden haired dwarf has managed to curl himself around one of the pillows on Kíli's side, and has his face buried in the silk pillowcase, mumbling faintly as he dreams. Bofur's hat sits askew on his head, and he can't help but smirk with amusement at how silly it looks even on someone as refined and naturally regal as Fíli. 

"Bofur's head is so small, now, without this. I'm still not quite used to seeing him without it," Nori commented, reaching out to tug the blankets back up around Fíli's shoulders before standing up and returning to the chair by the fire. 

It was going to be a long night if Fíli woke up at any point. Hopefully he would sleep until morning, at the very least, when Bifur would take over for him so he could get some rest himself. For now, though, it was just him and Kíli.

Nori combs his fingers through his loose, incredibly long beard, looking much more like a wise old man than the calculating spy he usually was.

"We know you're doing your best, kid. We all have to try a little bit harder. We don't get to relax, not quite yet. When the Prince has healed, and is himself once more, then perhaps we'll have all earned a rest." 

Kíli doesn't respond to that as he takes his chair by the fire. He's not sure that everyone in the company thinks he's doing his best, gods he's not even sure he's doing his best anymore. Every time he thought he was trying hard he was proved wrong by either Dwalin, Oin, Bofur or more recently Nori. Fíli himself had shown him just how much he really wasn't trying a few times too.

It made him feel more guilty but also made him more determined to make sure that things changed.

“There's no rest in the cards for me I'm afraid. There's no rest for a King,” he smiles tiredly. He learned watching Thorin that there was always something for a King to do, even one in exile. There were small breaks though he supposed, days that ended early or days like this when Fíli needed him more than Erebor ever could. Granted today and the next few days probably didn't count as a break since he's spent the day and night worrying over his sibling and his drug usage.

“Besides I'm not sure any of us would know how to relax,” he says with a small chuckle. Kíli hasn't known what's it like to truly relax since they came to the mountain. He's spent the last six years constantly worried about something, mostly Fíli, or working. Thorin had made sure that after he was sent away, his new Heir didn't have much downtime either.

That gets a smirk and a bark of laughter out of the spymaster, and he tapped his fingers steadily against the arm of the chair, staring into the mesmerizing fire.

"I think the last time I got to relax was at the shifter's cabin, and even then I think it was only because Thorin was too injured to push on right away, even with how pigheaded he was," Nori snorts, going quiet when he hears Fíli stirring. He looks up to see the tired blond standing beside them, rubbing at his darkly shadowed eyes and seeming absolutely miserable.

"Master, my belly hurts again," he whimpered, and Nori watched as he situated himself on Kíli's lap, legs tucked up under him and attempting to make himself as small as possible. It seemed the Prince was too tired and sick to remember earlier, for the moment at least, and Nori was going to consider it a blessing.

"Would you like a little water?" Nori offers, and Fíli turns his head to stare at him, as if realizing he was there for the first time, before slowly nodding and hiding his face against Kíli's neck once more. 

“The water should help settle your stomach a bit,” Kíli tries to soothe as he wraps his arms around the dwarf in his lap. If Fíli didn’t remember the things he said earlier and wanted to sit with him, he wasn’t going to complain. He was going to need small moments like these to help him get through the next week or more. It helps that he’s grown used to and even finds sitting like this comforting. It’s almost automatic now to just wrap his arms around his sibling and to rest his cheek against his head.

“Don’t gulp it down though, just take little sips so you don’t get sick again,” he says as Nori hands the blond a cup of water. The last thing he wants is for his brother to get sick again, although the tea should help with that. It better or he’s going to seriously question Oin as to why he needs to drink it if it doesn’t help.

“Sleeping some more will help too, and Nori is here with us so you’re extra safe,” Kíli says gently as he runs gentle fingers through sweaty golden hair. He doesn’t doubt that it will be a fight like earlier but maybe it will be a little bit easier with the cold and withdrawals. If they have to sleep in this chair so be it, though. 

Fíli sips from the mug of water Nori gives him, fighting against the droop of his eyelids with everything he has. He doesn't really get why he's so exhausted, having just woken up from being asleep, and he wants to spend a little more time with Kíli before he's unconscious again. Who knew when the opportunity would rise to spend this much time with the other dwarf in the future? 

He blinks owlishly when Kíli identifies this stranger as Nori, though, staring for a long time at the dwarf's face before he recognizes his facial features.

"You.. look very different with your hair down, Master Nori," he mumbles finally from behind his cup, now a little embarrassed that he had thought him a stranger. Nori gives him a grin and reaches out to pat the top of his head, shooting him a small wink before settling back into his arm chair.

"Bofur's been worried about you. I think he and Bifur are hoping to come and visit you soon. I hear rumor that they may even have something special for you," he hummed idly, the corner of his mouth quirking up at the way Fíli lights up with excitement.

Kíli raised an eyebrow at Nori, both at the fact his Spy Master keeps mentioning Bofur and at the idea that the cousins have something for Fíli. He has a few guesses as to what it could be but he hopes that it's nothing sharp with today's developments. He'd hate to have to take it away or worse see it broken if it was thrown.

“Maybe they can come see you in the morning if you're feeling better,” he murmurs. He should probably be worried about more dwarves catching the cold that his brother has but Oin has yet to say anything and with the way he had acted earlier, it's hard for him to turn the support away. Mahal knows they're both going to need it over the next week.

“I bet a lot of the company is worried about you since you're sick. Bombur and Berta and the kids, too. I bet they miss you,” he says. The youngest Durin is a little conflicted about Fíli going back there. Not because he doesn't trust the Urs but because he thinks that it would just prove that he isn't going to keep his word. There was the fact that he liked going to see the family and the children too. Maybe some days his brother could take a break from training and lessons and just go play with the kids.

Fíli is embarrassed to be the center of so much attention, shrinking down a little on Kíli's lap.

"It's just a cold, it isn't really worth so much fuss," he mumbled, rubbing at red cheeks. He can't help but feel warm all over, though, that they were all thinking of him. 

It isn't long before he starts to drift off again, despite his best efforts, and Nori gets up to take his empty glass back to the table just as his head drops forward into Kíli's chest, shivering from the fever and the withdrawal. His body desperately needed the rest, and he'd wake soon enough for some much needed food as well. 

"I expect we'll be seeing the worst of his withdrawal in a few days," Nori sighed, fingers working at braiding his beard. If he started it now, it'd mean having more time to sleep in before going right back to work.

All Kíli could do was sigh and rest his head against his brother's. The cold was only one of the few reasons why everyone would be worried and they didn't even know that they had cut him off from his drug completely yet. Well he assumed that the only ones that knew were the dwarves that had been in here tonight.

He noticed the shivering and indicated to Nori that he should grab a quilt off the back of his chair so that the King could wrap it around the dwarf in his lap. He wasn't sure if the shivers were from the cold or the withdrawal but it couldn't hurt to wrap him up either way. He was still supposed to be trying to sweat the cold out too.

“Hopefully Thranduil will know something that will help. I can't imagine things getting worse than how he was acting earlier,” he sighs. He knows that Fíli is going to be angry and next time he'll be able to take that out on anyone in the room. There would probably be more screaming too and more low blows, although Kíli doesn't think that his brother has the required knowledge to hurt anyone else but him.

“I'll probably need to apologize ahead of time to anyone that has to come in here within the next few days.”

Nori tips his head to the side and arches a furry eyebrow, his chin propped up on his fist as he watches Fíli rest against Kíli's chest.

"You don't need to apologize, kid. We all know this won't be easy, and what to expect. We're all adults. We can handle a few barbed words," he chuckles, standing up and stretching. He'd been there a few hours as it was, and he needed some rest before traipsing all across the mountain again. 

He is intrigued by the knowledge that Kíli plans to contact the Elf King for aid. He supposed it made sense, considering that the Elves wrote most of the books on medicine and healing, but that didn't mean he was all that keen. Those prison cells hadn't exactly been cozy, but Thranduil had willingly stood at Fíli's side to make sure he survived his wounds from the Battle, despite Thorin's venom. (Or perhaps to spite Thorin's venom, knowing the elf.)

"I will send Bofur and Bifur along soon so that you can get some rest as well. Call for the guard outside if you need any help, but Fíli should probably stay asleep for another few hours at least. Oin's tea is powerful stuff."

Nori was well acquainted with it, against his will, and he'd slept for two days solid the last time he'd been forced to drink it.

Kíli nodded, of course Nori was right about everyone being adults but at the same time barbed words could still hurt. He thinks Dori would be the most hurt besides himself but then he did have to deal with Nori on a regular basis and they didn’t always get along. Maybe he doesn’t need to apologize but he’ll still give them a heads up when they come in.

“Thank you,” he says. He was looking forward to seeing Bofur and Bifur when they weren’t mad at him. He doesn’t know if he’ll actually sleep but he’ll need to try at least. Exhaustion wasn’t going to help him deal with Fíli’s anger.

The King rests his head on his brother’s and closes his eyes. He’s overly warm in front of the fire with a wrapped up dwarf in his lap but he wouldn’t have it any other way right now. Once Fíli got more into his withdrawal he doubted they would be cuddling like this.

With his sibling breathing steadily against him and his warmth, he doesn’t notice that he drifts off into a light doze while he waits for the pair of cousins to show up.


	15. What If I Never Forgive You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bofur and Bifur come to watch the ailing Prince while Kíli attends a Council meeting, and Dwalin makes a rash decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're now tracking the tumblr tag "fic: if the sky comes falling down" if people want to post liveblogs/comments/fanart or what have you there. :)

Bofur and Bifur don't arrive until well after the sun has started to rise, and thankfully, for Kíli's sake, Fíli has remained asleep the entire time. He blinks awake, though, when the two arrive, staring blearily over the King's shoulder at them. 

If Fíli had felt awful yesterday, today he feels downright loathsome. Drenched in sweat from head to toe and aching like he'd run a loop around the entire mountain, the blond makes an unhappy noise and attempts to climb down off Kíli's lap. He wants a bath more than anything in the universe, and a handkerchief to blow his nose. It feels like a dam with a leak, but was also all plugged up with mud at the same time. It was incredibly unpleasant.

"I want a bath," he mumbles grouchily to Bifur, reaching out to curl his arms around the old warrior's neck and clinging to him, feeling decidedly unwilling to stand on his own two feet. With how much his muscles ached, he wasn't even sure his legs would support him right now.

"We'll have the servants bring up some water," Bofur says agreeably, reaching out to pat Fíli's head before going to speak to Dashaw, who was overseeing the set up of their breakfast. 

Kíli wakes up from his sleep as he feels the warmth against him dissipating. He's awake almost instantly, afraid that someone had gotten in and was trying to take Fíli away again. It takes a few seconds for the cobwebs to clear and for him to realize that everything is okay. Better than okay even since Bofur and Bifur are here and his brother is still here.

“Good morning,” he greets the cousins as he tries to rub the sleep out of one of his eyes. He feels like he could sleep for the next age and it still wouldn't be enough and from the way Fíli looks, he could sleep for just as long. He probably needed it even more too.

“Nori was right, your head does look smaller without your hat,” he observes. The King doesn't know if Bofur knows about Nori coming to visit, but he just isn't about to not say something since the Spy Master kept talking about him last night.

He slides out of his chair to speak with Dashaw as well but he sees from the bowls of porridge and spoons that Nori has probably already told them nothing sharp. Bofur and Bifur probably already knew about Fíli being cut off from his Bliss too, he would be very surprised if the ex-thief hadn't taken the chance to see Bofur.

“Did Nori talk to you this morning?” Kíli asks lowly anyway. This is something that he needs to be sure about.

"Nori's just bitter he can't try and steal it from me anymore," Bofur snorted, settling down on the opposite side of Kíli so the blond Prince can be seated between him and Bifur while he eats. He pauses at the mention of Nori speaking to him, and can't help the faint tinge of pink that colors his cheeks.

"Well, perhaps not this morning, but yes. We are aware of the situation."

More like Nori barrel rolled into his bed late last night and then pretended not to understand why Bofur was grumpy, only to insist that since he was already awake.... 

He coughs politely and accepts his bowl of porridge. Bombur had made it personally, and Bofur could smell the fruits and spices he had mixed into the oatmeal, giving the normally bland meal more flavor. Fíli certainly seemed to like it, based off the enthusiasm with which he tucked into it, between sips of water. He hadn't eaten well at supper the night before, and now his stomach clawed at him with hunger.

"So, what is on the agenda for today?"

Kíli raised an eyebrow at that but hid his smirk as he took another bite of porridge. He wholly approves of any relationship Bofur and Nori might have, although he doesn't know if their families will. If anyone asked him he would say that it was about damn time. He and Fíli weren't the only dwarves making doe eyes at one another the entire way to Erebor.

“Well,” he says around his mouthful, “we can't really go anywhere since Fíli is still sick, but he can take a bath this morning. Other than that and needing more tea tonight, whatever Fíli feels like doing. We slept a lot yesterday and read some so probably more of that,” he finishes. He's loathe to bring up anything that might remind his brother of the fact that they cut him off yesterday since he has yet to say anything about wanting his Bliss.

If Nori did inform the cousins, or at least Bofur, of the situation then he won't say anything about making sure the blond doesn't get a hold of anything sharp and to watch for flares in his temper.

“You probably don't want to hear this,” Kíli says gently to Fíli, “but you really do need to rest more.” He gives his sibling an apologetic look before he goes back to eating his breakfast. 

“Balin will be in soon and I need to talk to him. I should probably also tell you both about that meeting that I keep putting off, but that can wait until after we eat.”

The promise of being clean of the sweat crusted to his skin gets Fíli through breakfast without conflict, and he's willing to shuck off the robe he was still wearing from the night before regardless of Bofur and Bifur being in the room. To their credit, they mostly stare at the twisted scars mottling Fíli's back more than anything else, matching horrified looks on their faces, before averting their eyes to give the Prince some privacy, even if it seemed he did not care much for it in that moment. 

Fíli would have stripped before the entire company, really, at the knowledge of a nearby bath by this point, and he doesn't even note that Bifur has followed to make sure he doesn't hurt himself or grab anything that could be used to hurt someone else while he bathes. His hair is still unbraided and free of beads from his bath last night, and so it's easy for him to scrub the soap through the tangled tresses, using his nails to rub at his scalp like Dori had taught him. If he has any understanding of why Bifur is settled on a stool in the corner, finishing his porridge rather than eating at the table with the other two, then he says nothing. 

It isn't until he returns to the bedroom and begins to dress in the tunic and trousers that had been laid out the night before that he spots the ropes left in the corner and the memory of the previous night slams into him. His knees visibly buckle and he grips onto the bed post to remain upright, his eyes so wide it was almost comical.

"You.. You tied me up last night. You promised you would never do that to me!"

He stares at the other dwarf in openmouthed horror, betrayal etched into every line of his face.

"I know," Kíli murmurs, completely ashamed of allowing his brother to be tied to the bed. He should never have let that happen, regardless of whether Fíli had went after Dwalin’s knife or whatever Oin said. After everything he had been through, the King should have said no.

He doesn’t look at the other three dwarves in the room, his gaze staying steadfastly in his lap. Their gazes sit heavily on him which makes him wonder if Bofur and Bifur were told about what transpired before Nori showed up, or if the former thief had mentioned the restraints. He loathes bringing it up but Fíli is going to remember everything soon anyway when he asks for his drug again.

“You went after a knife in Dwalin’s boot after we cut you off. I let Oin convince me that tying you down was the only way to make sure you didn’t hurt yourself or anyone else,” he says lowly to Fíli. Kíli tries to look him in the eyes but he can only raise them up to his chest before looking away.

“Nori was the one that showed me both Oin and I were wrong,” he finishes and waits for the angry words to start flying from all three of the other dwarves. 

"You aren't saying you actually-"

Bofur gets the start of what is no doubt going to be his most furious lecture yet, but he's stopped by Fíli's noise of rage, turning to look as the blood drains from the Prince's face, making him look even more livid and dangerous.

"You can't take my Bliss away from me! It protects me! It keeps me safe!" he snarls, looking about ready to leap on Kíli and throttle him. Bofur's hat lay on the bed, unassuming, and Fíli seems to have forgotten it in his anger, teeth bared at the King. He releases the bed post and gets about five steps towards Kíli before Bifur is grabbing him from behind, arms wrapped securely around the blond's shoulders to pin his arms against his sides, leaving him to kick and struggle and scream.

"I can't trust you! You're a liar! You've done nothing but lie to me since you took me here! You abandoned me to Dain, you abandoned me to my kidnapper.. You left me here on my own, like a pathetic pet waiting for its Master to return from work. You promised that you would make everything okay, and then you.. you tie me up, like a whore! And now you take away the one thing that protects me from the bad things in the dark, that takes away the pain and makes it better!" he shrieked, clawing at Bifur's forearms to try and free himself, but the warrior stoutly refuses to let go, and soon Bofur is stumbling over to grab at Fíli's legs, attempting to keep the blond from injuring himself in his frantic struggles.

"No, Fíli. The dwarves of the company protect you and will keep you safe. The only thing the Bliss is doing is killing you," Kíli says flatly, hiding behind the face of a King. The words his brother spits at him don’t hurt as much as they had last night. Probably because they’re nothing he didn’t know or hasn’t told himself.

He’s an awful King, a horrible person, and the worst brother in existence. At least he’s trying to do the right thing now by saving Fíli’s life.

“I understand you’re mad at me but there’s nothing you can say or do to get your Bliss back,” he says sternly. He would apologize for everything else for the rest of his days but he would never apologize for trying to get Fíli clean. 

Fíli gives one last angry, teeth aching scream before going limp in Bifur's arms with a shattered noise, tears starting to slip down his cheeks.

"You don't.. You don't understand..! He'll find me again, he always finds me in my head," he whispers, curling into a ball when Bifur and Bofur set him down on the rug, fingers buried in his still unbraided hair. The Bliss was freedom from the explicit memories of Dain's touch. A cloud of ignorance that wrapped around him, and shielded him from the worst of the nightmares. 

But if Kíli was going to take away his shield, then that meant it would all start pouring in again. Every vile touch, every torture, every sick, twisted word breathed in his ear. 

"P-Please I'll do anything..! I can't go through that again, I can't.. I can't bear the memories, I can't.. The nightmares will find me again!"

Bofur looks helplessly between the two brothers, understanding that Kíli was doing the right thing but also pitying Fíli's fears, which were more than valid.

“I’m so sorry, Fíli,” Kíli apologizes as he looks at his unfinished bowl of porridge. He knew that his brother would have to stop hiding in the Bliss and deal with what happened to him but there was a small part of the King that wanted to let him hide. The thing that was protecting him, though, would eventually cause his early death, which he didn’t want but Fíli didn’t seem to care about that. He seemed to be okay with dying as long as he was safe from the memories of Dain.

Which only makes him feel more upset over how toxic and terrifying those memories must be.

 

Just as he starts to try and say something about his brother being strong enough to get through this, that he doesn’t need the Bliss to protect him, there’s a knock on the door. 

“That’ll be Balin,” he observes, relieved at the interruption, before getting up and grabbing the letter he wrote to Thranduil off his desk. He’s going to make this quick, unwilling to subject his Adviser to whatever Fíli could possibly say to him. 

Nori’s words about everyone being adults come back from last night but he pushes them aside. Just because his brother’s words were being said out of withdrawal, that didn’t make them any easier to hear or bear. 

“This needs to get to King Thranduil, immediately,” he starts and holds his hand up to cut off whatever Balin is going to say, “Fíli is suffering for his abstinence from his drug, and if the Elven King knows anything that can help, then I want to know.” Kíli orders and there is no room for arguments, not that he thinks Balin has any good ones besides the ages old hate that festered between the two races. He would gladly welcome Thranduil into Erebor if it made things easier for his sibling, old ways be damned. 

His brother seems oblivious to Balin’s presence and has continued his desperate pleas and whimpers, still hanging limp in Bifur's arms.

"You wouldn't do this to me if you knew all the things he's done," Fíli whispered, jerking away when Bifur knelt down beside him and touched his shoulder. The old toymaker looks down at him with a gentle expression on his face, and Fíli lets himself be pulled back into his arms, cradled close like one would comfort a loved one. 

He lets Fíli cry into his beard, murmuring soft reassurances in Khuzdul that they would protect him from Dain. Whether the rest of the Company did or not, Bifur would shed blood to keep his Prince from falling into evil hands again. If he had to burn the Hills until only a shell remained, he would do it if it meant Fíli was safe. He was precious to him, to all of them, far more than the wealth in the vault below.

"Dwalin said he would return to watch him after lunch so that you could attend the Council meeting, my King," Balin sighed finally, accepting the letter from Kíli. He may not be as vocal about his distrust for the Elves as the other older dwarves were, but he'd been there to feel the sting of Thranduil's betrayal, and lived the years as that wound festered and grew into something dark and angry. But, it was for Fíli's sake, and Balin felt that he owed the lad for his failure to convince Thorin of his madness in selling him away. He was supposed to be the trusted Adviser to the King, and had raised the lads alongside his King and Dwalin since they were quite small. 

And so it was for Fíli that he would do this, and no other reason.

"They are meeting to discuss Durin’s Day coming up in a few weeks. You had insisted you wanted to be part of the planning process for the great festivals and feast," he added, looking past Kíli's shoulder to where Fíli was being rocked by Bifur.

"At this point it's safe to say you are not contagious, and you need to make occasional appearances at important things like this if you are intending to spend as much time with the Prince as possible while he heals."

Kíli looks over his shoulder too, trying to decide if he really should go. He does want to oversee the plans for the celebration since he was mostly doing this for Fíli, even if he didn't want to go to the party with him anymore. If he was being really honest with himself he could use a break from the angry words and guilt. He never thought he would choose to be with the Council over his brother. When he was better he wouldn't, he'll probably do anything just to be here with him again.

“I'll be there. He probably doesn't want me around much right now anyway,” he says lowly. With Fíli mad at him for taking away the Bliss it was easy to assume that he didn't want to see him. The meeting shouldn't take too long anyway. He was going to ask Dori to help with the decorations since he was great with things like that, all he really needed from the Council was their approval and he didn't think it should be that hard to get.

He'd need to talk to Bombur too about what they were going to have at the feast. Which that thought reminds him that he still needs to give Bofur and Bifur an overview about what their new jobs were going to entail. Luckily there was still some time before he had to leave.

“Thank you, Balin,” Kíli says as he closes the door. The first place he heads is to his dresser to fish out fresh clothes that he can change into for the meeting since he's been in these since yesterday at the least.

Fíli's eyes follow the King around the room as he gathers his formal attire, and his fingers tighten around a handful of Bifur's beard, chest heavy when he realizes that Kíli intends to leave.

"You.. You're going away?" he asks in a voice so small Bofur wonders if he even really speaks, or if he'd just imagined it. Bifur, to his credit, keeps a straight face at the painful tug at his beard, and pets his golden hair gently in an attempt to soothe him. Kíli had been shut up in this room with him for a couple days, now, and he had to make an appearance lest dwarves begin to wonder where he got off to and come looking.

"He'll only be gone for a little while, pet. He needs to help with the plans for the Durin's Day celebration," Bofur murmurs, offering him a reassuring smile. Fíli's eyebrows knit in confusion at that, and he ducks his head down, barely peeking out of Bifur's beard now at the other dwarf.

"There's really gonna be a party? With lots of food and singing and presents?"

He remembered that he'd asked Kíli about it on their way to Erebor, but he'd just assumed the King was too busy and had forgotten. 

Kíli doesn't hear him speak the first time but when he asks about the party he can't help but turn around from picking out one of his nicer tunics and smiling.

“Yep! There's going to be a big party with great food that Bombur will cook and decorations that Dori will put together. Along with music too,” he says to Fíli. He knew with how busy he was he was likely to forget, which was why he told Balin when they had returned. A party for Durin’s Day was something that he wanted his brother to be a part of and so far his Adviser hadn't forgotten anything, even with how busy they've been. 

The King had made sure it was known that he wanted to be part of this though. He wanted everything to be perfect for Fíli's first real Durin's Day party. The fact that it was Erebor's first since before Smaug had come was important too but it was more important to him that his brother enjoy himself.

“I have to leave though to work out the details with everyone though. Not right but after lunch when Dwalin comes in. I should only be gone a few hours since it's just party planning and with Dori there to help oversee the details, it should be quick,” he says gently as he kneels next to Fíli and Bifur. He doesn't expect to be believed about the length of time he was going to be gone but he was going to say it anyway.

Kíli's right to think that Fíli won't believe him, and the elder Durin gives him a tired look before nodding and hiding his face back into Bifur's beard. At least if they were here and not at Bombur's, the children would be safe from anyone trying to take him away again.

"Music will be nice.. Music and dancing," he murmured, letting Bifur envelop him in a tight hug for letting Kíli go without a fight. 

The celebrations had always sounded so fun from his room in the Iron Hills. The only real enjoyment he got out of it was knowing Dain would be too drunk and too full from the feast to hurt him for at least three or four days. One year it had even been a full week's reprieve, and Dain's daughter Elsa had snuck him some ham and sweet eggnog from the feast. 

Thinking of the young Princess made him sad, and he muffled a soft sigh into Bifur's graying beard. She'd been kind to him when she had the opportunity to do so. A gentle girl, but far from weak. He had a feeling that she had borne the brunt of Dain's temper before he came to the mountain, her and her mother, the Queen. Maybe one day, when he was strong again, he could go and rescue them from Dain, the same way Kíli had rescued him.

“It'll be a lot of fun, you'll see,” Kíli replies gently. At least it still seemed like Fíli wanted to go to the Durin's Day celebrations and wasn't angry enough to want to stay up here. Of course things could change as his moods changed but for now he seemed to like the idea of going to the party and having fun.

He gives them both a tired smile before going back to getting ready for his meeting later. He puts on a light under shirt and waits to put on the nice blue tunic he had picked out. If they're going to eat lunch before the meeting he doesn't want to accidentally get food on it. He does put in the braids that mark him as a King though. He had kept them out since they had bathed yesterday since he hadn't seen a point of putting them back in when no one would really see him. The Council and Balin would probably throw a fit if he didn't have them in, though. 

The braiding comes to him easily though and it's a quick process. Years ago he had never even thought about wearing braids, or when he did he only thought about what it would be like to wear Fíli's; he'd been happy enough to just run around with a clip to keep most of his hair out of his eyes. He still enjoyed the days that he didn't have to put these in but those were so few and far between now.

“Bofur, did you tell Bifur about your new positions?” the King asks, “I should tell you both about what I what you'll need to do since I have you both here.”

Bofur looks up when he's addressed and shrugs, grabbing his old hat off the bed and settling it on Fíli's head again.

"I told him a bit about it, but the past few days have been a bit stressful for everyone, so I've not gotten to tell him the details," he hummed, giving Kíli a pointed look before casually rolling his shoulder in Fíli's direction.

Truth be told he'd already filled Bifur in, but, he had a feeling that Fíli could benefit a bit from hearing about the King's plans for the future. At least now, while he was still lucid enough to understand them.

They would probably get through lunch without a fuss, but Fíli's shivers were getting worse, and he'd already had several episodes that came closer and closer to being panic attacks. It would be all downhill from here, until enough time had passed that the drug was out of Fíli's system. But even then, Nori had cautioned him before he left this morning, their Prince would always have the temptation. It would never truly go away, like an itch that would be there forever, but you could not scratch, not even once, no matter how much you wanted to.

“Well,” Kíli starts looking between the cousins and Fíli, “you'll both be my liaisons for the guilds. Bofur for the miner's guild and Bifur for the merchants. Instead of coming to me to help solve whatever comes up, they'll go to you two and since you both understand the needs of merchants and miners better than I do, you should be able to solve their problems quickly and in a way that makes everyone happy.” He finishes but the look he gets from Bofur tells him that he hasn't gotten to the point and makes another vague gesture at Fíli.

“With you two doing that for me it'll free up a lot of my time. We'll still meet once a week to discuss anything that needs my attention and if there's any kind of emergency you'll both be able to come to me right away, but, those will be far and few between,” he says when he finally gets what Bofur is getting at. The King had only ever told his brother that he had a plan to spend more time with him but nothing specific. There had been a thought that maybe he overheard some of the conversation between himself and Dwalin but that didn't happen.

“With you two as my liaisons and Dwalin taking his position as Captain of the Guard and Balin taking lead of two of the Council meetings every month, all four of you will free up my afternoons entirely,” he summarizes and watches his brother hopefully.

“Well besides my paperwork but that can be done in my office or in here.”

Fíli slowly looks up when he hears Kíli saying all of this, his expression a mix of hope and uncertain disbelief. After all, Kíli had been promising from the start he'd try and spend time with him, swearing he'd do his best to be with him more often, and those promises had all fallen through time and again. What was to say this wouldn't be more of the same?

Bofur sighs and drops his hand to rest on top of Fíli's head, a gentle, reassuring weight though he didn't really know what to say. At least the idea that Kíli would be around more was in his head, now, so when the King actually followed through this time, perhaps he'd have more reason to trust his word.

The rest of the afternoon is mostly uneventful, Fíli ends up sleeping through most of it until lunch arrives. He eats quietly while the two cousins and Kíli watch him, looking more like a beaten animal than a Prince as he picks at the food on his plate. His skin is still beaded with sweat, though his fever has long since broken, and Bofur watched the way he twitched at every unexpected noise and movement, deep shadows under his eyes despite the amount of sleep he's gotten during his illness.

Bofur isn't sure he'll be able to stay strong on denying Fíli the Bliss. Especially not if he asks him, as miserable as he looks.

As feared, he throws an almighty fit when Kíli announces he's actually leaving, and that fit turns into an full blown episode. Fíli is gasping for air and wild eyed, sobbing in Bifur's arms as Kíli leaves and Dwalin enters, begging the King not to go. Nothing any of them say is able to calm him down, and Bofur wishes he could leave and drown himself in ale to forget the sound of Fíli's blind terror that Dain was going to hurt him again if Kíli left, or the utter conviction in the dwarf's voice that he would never be safe from that monster.

When the blond finally sags wordlessly into Dwalin's chest and the warrior gives him and Bifur leave to go, insisting that he was twice Fíli's size and could handle him until Kíli returned, they're more than glad to accept his offer. 

It was going to be a very long week. 

Kíli almost doesn't leave with his brother panicking and begging him to stay. He knows he needs to leave to plan the festivities and that no harm will come to Fíli while he's with any member of the Company. The King wants to stay and protect him though, even if it's only from the shadows in his own mind.

He only leaves after he promises, a hundred or so times, to be back as soon as he can, and is absolutely determined to make sure this meeting goes as fast as it can. He's not going to let the council keep him from his ailing brother for a moment longer than necessary. Hopefully with Dori and Balin there it will be an easy meeting. All he'll have to do is announce the plans for the festivities, tell Dori about what he thinks would good for the decorations before letting him loose, and getting a general idea for food before delivering that to Bombur and letting him make the final decisions.

It would be quick and easy, half an hour tops.

Except it's not of course. Once he announces the plans most of the Council agrees that the kingdom needs to get back into truly celebrating Durin's Day again. They are Durin's folk after all and Erebor hasn't seen a celebration since before Smaug had come. When the mountain had been reclaimed there had been too much work to be done before everyone could come home for a feast, not to mention not enough food, and Thorin probably wouldn't have allowed such a “wasteful” expenditure, anyway.

The other members though believe that the money that could be spent on a celebration would be better spent if it was put into the economy, to help build up the market and get the trades really going. After that a huge argument breaks out and Kíli can feel the headache forming behind his eyes.

Dwalin isn't sure if it's fate or not that it's so easy to get rid of Bifur and Bofur, guiding Fíli to sit down on the armchair so he can help tug on his socks and slippers. He was sure at any moment the Prince would start screaming, or Kíli would return, or someone else from the Company would arrive and ruin his plans.

But no one comes, and Fíli seems lost in a daze, staring at something in the distance with his eyes out of focus. He makes no move to assist Dwalin in dressing him in a thick knitted sweater and his heavy fur lined coat, about as cooperative as a limp spaghetti noodle. When the warrior attempts to remove Bofur's hat, though, his hands shoot up to hold it firmly on his head, and he bares his teeth in silent warning. He does, at least, let Dwalin tug his hood up and over it, obscuring his golden hair and much of his face. 

Fíli balks at leaving the room and insists on holding Dwalin's hand the entire way, pressed up close to his back and shrinking away from every single dwarf they passed. He misses Dashaw stop and give the pair a piercing look on their way by, so intent on his own shuffling feet is he. The Prince doesn't understand why Dwalin is taking him somewhere, after he'd been told he wasn't allowed to leave the room until he was better, but at least his sweater and coat are nice and warm.

He continues to watch his feet even as Dwalin sends two guards away, and he's herded through a doorway and into a dimly lit room. The door closes behind them, and panic rises in his throat as a trapped feeling settles over him, and this is definitely not his room. Had Kíli grown tired of him and sent him away? Sold him to another dwarf noble?

Fíli looks up and gets an eyeful of a haggard dwarf with black hair streaked with silver, his beard unkempt and eyes like dark shadows sunken into his pale face. It's not a nice face, not by a mile, and he automatically takes a step back away from this stranger, right into Dwalin. 

"You refuse to listen to me, week after week, for the last two years. Your imprisonment has done nothing. The broken bond with your nephew has had no effect. All you care about is your gold and your jewels, and you continue to have little regard for those you harm," Dwalin growls, and Fíli stifles a terrified whimper as the warrior rests his hand on his head.

"I have harmed no one," the dwarf before him snarls, and that voice, that voice is so familiar and yet so foreign, a voice singing a soft lullaby, praising him, a voice barking out his name, that voice, that _voice_ , Fíli knows that voice.

Dwalin scoffs and his fingers curl around a handful of Fíli's hood and catch into Bofur's hat and pull both off, baring his face and distinctive golden hair to the stranger.

"You have harmed no one," Dwalin echoes softly, watching the way Thorin staggers back from what was undeniably Fíli, alive and in Erebor, standing before him, his heir, his son-

"Say it again! Look him in the eye and say you have harmed no one!"

Fíli immediately throws himself on the floor at Dwalin's furious roar, covering his head with his arms and groveling against the stone.

"Oh please.. Please don't hurt me..! Tell Master I'll do anything he wants, please, I'll be good, I don't want to go away! He promised he'd never send me away!" he sobbed, and Dwalin fixes a stare on Thorin, who has the decency to look properly horrified for the first time since his throne was taken from him.

"Look at what you've done, Thorin. What you did can never be undone. You sold your heir, your nephew, your _son_ , to be used and tortured like an _animal!_ He has been through the unspeakable, and you did that to him! You're responsible!"

Back in the Council Room, and unaware of what Dwalin has done, Kíli looks over at Balin and Dori who are sharing a look of pure exhaustion and he feels the same way. Just once during his rule, _just once_ , he wants to bring an idea to the Council and have all of the members unanimously agree with him. It was probably more likely that he'd meet Mahal first but a dwarf could dream.

“Enough!” He yells as he stands and smacks his hands against the long table. For the first time he feels like the King he is when each member of the Council falls silent as they retake their seats. He is instantly reminded of Bag End and his Uncle calling for everyone to quiet down when some of them had started arguing. He feels like Thorin in this moment and he's not entirely sure he likes it.

“The people of Erebor need a reason to celebrate again. There should have been great feast when we got the mountain back and there wasn't. Thorin wouldn't allow it any other time since. I've always heard about the great Durin's Day celebrations since I was a babe and what better way to show everyone just how well Erebor is doing than by throwing a party that's just as grand as they were before?” He says as he looks at every dwarf sitting around the table. He can slowly see the naysayers changing their minds but dwarves were dwarves and were nothing if not a stubborn race.

“There isn't enough time to put together something so monumental,” one of the members says. He's grumpy looking dwarf that has always disagreed with everything that Kíli has to say. He was older, nearly Balin's age, and wore his beard in such a way that it reminded the young King of a fishing net. Which helped keep his anger in check some days, imagining the dwarf using his beard to snag fish out of the river.

“For one dwarf maybe but with everyone pitching in, this Durin's Day will be the best Erebor has seen in decades,” he replies.

“Dori here is an accomplished designer and already has a group picked out to set everything up. Bombur down in the kitchens is more than capable of having enough food ready for the event. All we need is the music, and ale,” he tells the rest of the Council. There is a part of him that remembers Fíli's reaction to the drink but hopefully he'll be okay as long as Kíli doesn't drink. Even as King, he can't keep the entire mountain from drinking, especially a mountain full of dwarves.

“The tavern owners would be more than happy to donate barrels of ale for a celebration,” the youngest member, besides the King, says.

“And there was an old music group before the dragon and all the members should be here now. It's just a matter of getting them together again,” another member adds. Kíli smiles and nods, slowly watching his plans coming together and the members of the Council getting excited for it too.

Except for one but at this point with everyone else already buzzing, he's defeated and sits in silence.

Another dwarf has sunk back into his chair in defeat and anguish, and his mouth is open in shock, unable to give voice to the words clawing at his throat.

Thorin stares in utter despair at the prostrate form of Fíli before him, sobbing and trying to get away from both of them, screaming about not wanting to be sold again, begging not to be sent away. 

He remembered. He remembered his heir. He remembered sending him away in his madness, though the details were fuzzy at best. He'd never truly do something so horrible as to sell him, would he?

"You let Dain take him from you for a few gold coins. The things he did to your heir, to your _son_ , Thorin. I cannot even bring myself to repeat them," Dwalin hissed, breaking through the fog of horror that was settling around the former King.

Unable to take his eyes off his nephew, he slowly advances towards Fíli, flinching himself when the blond cowers away from him, still refusing to look up from the stone.

"P-Please don't hurt me.. I just want to go home to Master.. Please, Master Dwalin!" he whimpers, and Thorin carefully kneels in front of him, hands shaking as he makes him look up. Fíli's eyes are as blue as he remember, but now they're wide and filled with terror, rather than the joy of youth and burgeoning wisdom of a young King he'd always known them to possess. There are more lines around his eyes, and his distinctive mustache braids are gone, making him look younger, and smaller. 

"I'm not going to hurt you Fíli. But, who is it you speak of? You have no Masters here in Erebor," Thorin murmured, his words shaking as much as he was. A sickness hung over him, but this time a sickness of the soul rather than of the mind. He wanted to vomit, and curse, and rage, and scream his anguish to the rock for what he'd done.

A shudder runs through the blond and his pupils shrink to pinpricks, and Thorin has a brief moment to reflect that his nephew now resembled a lion more than a mouse before he's thrown back into the rock, Fíli pinning him down.

"You're not going to hurt me? All you ever did was hurt me!" Fíli shrieks, and Thorin struggles to hold him at bay. He hasn't been exercising much in his decorative prison, and he's not much stronger than Fíli is. Even when the blond lands a blow on his cheek, Dwalin refuses to move from where he stands, watching the scene play out. If Fíli was in danger of injury, he would move, but for now, Thorin needed a thorough reminder of why he had to stop the madness.

"You sold me to be raped by a monster! You beat me for needing to rest! You pushed me to the edge of my sanity and then pushed me even further!"

Each accusation hits Thorin harder than Fíli's fists, which the disgraced King no longer tries to fend off. He deserves every single punch he's given, and so he lets his nephew bruise him and draw blood, lets him punish Thorin for every single crime he has committed against his kin.

"I nearly died during the Battle and you would have let me if it weren't for Thranduil! You denied me my brother, you locked me away like a shamed secret, but I wasn't! I was a hero! I saved Kíli from death, I saved our people! I've done _everything_ I could to be the dwarf you always wanted me to be, and all you ever did was punish me for it! You haven't been an Uncle to us since the quest for Erebor, and now, now I finally see the truth!"

Fíli's breathing like he'd run around the entire mountain, his eyes wild and his knuckles bruised from raining blows on Thorin's chest, curling his fingers into the dwarf's tunic and forcing him to sit up.

"You only care about your ugly gold coins and your precious Mountain. And you can have it. You can take your gold, and you can rot in it, because it's the only thing that will ever love you, now."

He lets Thorin drop back against the stone with a thud and stands, making it three steps before his legs buckle beneath him, Dwalin just barely catching him before he hits the ground. The Prince is drenched in sweat and shivering, and the color has drained from his skin, leaving him pale and sallow looking.

"Your nephew needs to return to his chambers and rest. Go wash your face," Dwalin rumbled, putting Bofur's hat back on Fíli's head and tugging his hood up once more. Kíli was going to tear him in two when he found out what Dwalin had done, but, to the gruff warrior it was more than worth the results. Thorin was staring in stunned silence at the ceiling, his face twisted in anguish and horror. Finally, _finally_ , something had broken through the madness of the former King. Whether anyone could ever forgive him was another matter, but at least, now, Thorin would eventually find himself in a frame of mind to earn that forgiveness.

At least, from Dwalin. He doubted that he would ever be capable of earning that from his nephews, especially Fíli.

When he returns Fíli to his chambers, the King is already there waiting for him, and he looks as livid as Dwalin expected.


	16. The Coming of the Elves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Elves of Mirkwood have finally come in response to Kíli's plea for help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, things have been busy for both of us! Thanks, as always, for your patience. :)

Kíli doesn't think he's ever been so angry with Dwalin in his life. He had rushed back up here after ironing out the details of the Durin's Day celebrations with Dori and Bombur, fully expecting Dwalin to be next to the fire and his brother in bed. Instead he came back to an empty room and had frantically searched for his family members. At first he had thought that maybe someone had come in and taken both Dwalin and Fíli but there was no signs of a fight. His brother may not fight back but the old warrior would and there would have been a mess if he had.

Which only left the fact that Dwalin had taken Fíli out of here himself. His brother who had a cold and was going through intense withdrawal. A million questions had flooded his mind, mostly the question if this was a set up for the Company to take Fíli away from him. He didn't think they would do that, not with how much he was trying to set things right.

He was completely surprised when the door opened to reveal his kin, and then, once the relief faded, he was livid.

“Where have you been? He's not supposed to leave this room, he's still sick for Mahal's sake,” Kíli says as evenly as he can to Dwalin, trying to keep the anger out of his tone so he doesn't scare Fíli.

The King's jaw clenches as he studies the blond before him, looking for injuries, and he sees the bruises forming on his knuckles. If the warrior doesn't have a very good explanation, he's going to ban him from this room until Fíli is better.

Dwalin gives him a noncommittal shrug, laying Fíli down on the bed and peeling off his coat and sweater. He was as cooperative unconscious as he had been when he was conscious earlier, so it's just as difficult to undress him as it had been to dress him.

"Exercise is good for getting the blood flowing and I figured it'd help him work off some of that pent up energy from being cooped up in here," he lied smoothly, tucking the blanket in around Fíli and sighing. Hopefully the poor lad wouldn't be traumatized when he woke up, but it needed to be done. Thorin needed something to finally ground him and show him the harm he'd done. He'd only lost himself to the gold madness completely when his nephews had started to distance themselves from him. And now, it was what brought him back.

"Those damn slippers of his are a hazard. He tripped and fell and knocked himself out cold. Managed to scrape himself up a bit, too. He really needs to start wearing proper boots, lad."

He turns to look at Kíli and arches an eyebrow. Maybe this would distract the King from his anger at him.

“He wouldn't have needed the slippers or tripped and fell if you had stayed here. He's still sick,” Kíli growls at the older dwarf. He didn't believe Dwalin for a second, Fíli might not be the most coordinated right now but there was no way the warrior would just let him trip and fall. Besides he'd never fallen and bruised his knuckles, and he's fallen a lot in his life.

The King may never be book smart like his brother, but he wasn't stupid either.

“Where did you take him and how badly is he going to react to it when he wakes up?” He demands. The way his brother had begged and pleaded for him to stay before echoes through his head. He can only imagine how he reacted when he was lead out of here to somewhere unknown. Did he think that he was being sold again? That his Master truly didn't care for him anymore?

“You're one of the few people that he trusts to protect him and keep him safe. I hope wherever you took him is worth that trust,” the King says with a frown. He knows what it's like to lose that trust and is working very hard to get it back, he hates seeing someone else possibly throw that same trust away. It would be hard for Fíli to trust anyone again if one by one everyone betrayed him somehow.

Dwalin studied Kíli long and hard before closing his eyes and turning away, heading for the door.

"There was someone that needed to see him. And he benefitted greatly from that encounter. When he wakes up, Fíli shouldn't have much memory of it. It would be easy to convince him it was all merely a dream."

Fíli would probably struggle to trust Dwalin again, though, at least for a while. It hurt the older dwarf that it would be so, after working so hard to be worthy of it again, but Kíli would have to understand. It was for his One, the other half of himself given to him by the Maker. He would do anything to have Thorin back again. Even if it meant losing Fíli's trust.

"Tell Fíli I am sorry for what happened, but that there was no other way, and what he did was very, very good."

Kíli watches the older dwarf suspiciously, unsure who could possibly benefit from seeing Fíli. There were a lot of people that could benefit from seeing their Martyr Prince actually alive. Although he hated the idea that someone had seen his brother in his current state. He didn’t want anyone to think that he was weak because he wasn’t, even if he didn’t believe that he was strong himself.

"You could stay and apologize yourself," he grumps as he sits next to his brother on the bed. When he looks at his sibling’s knuckles it’s obvious that he was in a fight. They had both been in enough of those to recognize the bruises that were suspiciously absent of any kind of scrape that he might get from falling on stone.

There was also the absence of any sign that whoever Fíli had hit fought back. Kíli can remember getting into fights and besides the bruised knuckles there were bloody noses, black eyes, or bruised cheeks. His brother had none of those things, which makes him wonder if Dwalin had tied someone up and let Fíli go to town.

He shook his head, brown hair flying because Dwalin wasn’t like that and he really didn’t want to believe that was true.

It takes several minutes for Fíli to wake up, partially due to the physical strain of recovering from his cold and the withdrawal, but also from sheer emotional exhaustion. He just wanted to stay asleep forever, but a cool hand is touching his brow and gently combing through his hair and it draws him steadily to the surface.

When his eyes blink open, the first thing he sees is Kíli's worried face, and there's a few brief moment where Fíli simply stares at him before he's throwing his arms around his shoulders, clinging to him like his life depended on it.

"P-Please, I'll be good, I'll do anything you want, whatever you say, just please don't send me away..! I don't want to go, I want to stay here with you!" he begs in a low whine, gripping the back of Kíli's tunic so tightly his nails cut crescents into the fabric. Had the King changed his mind about selling Fíli away? Had it merely been an attempt to scare him so he'd be more obedient?

Either way, Fíli was desperate to not be sold away again. He'd finally found something resembling a home here with Kíli and his friends. He didn't want to lose that. 

Kíli tries to gently hush the other dwarf, silently cursing Dwalin for taking Fíli away and then leaving him to try and convince him that he never wanted him to leave and would never sell him away. He hoped that where he was taken was completely worth it to Dwalin to have both of them angry at him.

“I wouldn't sell you, Fíli. I always want you to stay here with me,” he tries to soothe as he holds the other dwarf against him. He runs a hand over blond hair and the other is wrapped around his back. 

“I didn't know that Dwalin was going to take you out of here. I thought you two were just going to stay here while I was at that meeting. He didn't tell me that you two were going to leave and if I had known that he was going to do that I wouldn't have left,” he says and tries to keep the pleading edge out of his voice. He desperately wants his brother to believe him about this.

“I'm not leaving anymore today though so you can try to rest again if you want and I'll be here when you wake up.”

Fíli rubs his face against Kíli's shoulder to attempt to dry his tears, turning so he can rest his cheek against it and study his face, reaching up to curl his fingers through the dwarf's beard. It was like a balm for his anxiety, and he gives himself a few seconds to calm the quailing fear inside him that Kíli didn't want him anymore, combing through the dark scruff on the King's chin.

It's gotten even longer in the time they've been here, and his eyebrows knit together as he withdraws his touch from Kíli's beard, breath hitching.

"He had the same beard as you. The angry dwarf that Master Dwalin took me to see," he mumbled, closing his eyes and turning his face into Kíli's shoulder to hide, knotting his fingers into his thick brown hair. Kíli promised he still wanted him, that he wasn't going to sell him away. 

"Why did Master Dwalin take me to see him? I don't understand."

Kíli watches his brother, trying to put all the pieces together. A dwarf with a beard like his that Dwalin believed would benefit from seeing Fíli? There was only one dwarf that came to mind but there was no way right? That was dangerous but with everything that the warrior had said before he left, he guessed it did make sense.

That realization only made him that much more angry at Dwalin. He said that Thorin benefited from seeing Fíli but what if that plan had backfired? And was it worth the damage he possibly did to the blond Prince? In his mind it wasn't. The dragon sickness was something that Thorin had suffered from for years and there was no way that seeing his supposedly dead nephew was going to change that.

The King decided that there was no way Dwalin was going to be in here alone with Fíli anymore.

“That dwarf was Thorin, your Uncle. I think Dwalin took you to see him because he wanted to try and snap him out of the dragon sickness. He probably thought that if Thorin saw just how much pain his actions caused you, he'll get better.” Kíli says gently.

“That wasn't a good thing for him to do and he probably didn't tell me because he knew I would disapprove.”

Fíli grows silent at that, nodding his head faintly to show he understood was Kíli was saying. At least, for the most part. He situates himself on the King's lap before he draws back, looking at him uncertainly from behind a fringe of hair. 

"But.. What if it does work? Isn't it at least worth trying, even if it only does a little bit of good?" he asked uncertainly, a frown on his lips. He only remembered bits and pieces of his encounter with the disgraced King. 

"He said he wasn't going to hurt me. And that I had no Master here. He sounded.. really sad when he spoke. And then it all sort of.. goes fuzzy after that, but I think.. Well I think that maybe he did realize a little bit that he had done great harm."

He wasn't exactly an expert at reading people. But he knew when harm was intended, and Thorin hadn't the air of one about to hurt him.

Kíli smiles faintly at that while he brushes some of the golden hair out of his brother's face. It was just like Fíli to think of others first, even if those others were the ones that had sold him to a monster. It was good to know that there was something else that Dain didn't take from him.

“Maybe it will work but there was still that chance that he would have harmed you again. Thorin has been very angry with everyone since I took his throne and there was no guarantee that he wouldn't have turned that anger on you,” he replies.

“I would have taken you to see him, if you wanted to see him, after you are better. You would have known that we were going to see Thorin and there would have been a few more dwarves in the room just in case. I just don't like that he did all of this behind my back and could have gotten you hurt.”

“I do hope it helped Thorin but this could have been handled a little better,” Kíli says simply. He does hope that one day their Uncle will come back to them but he didn't want that to cost Fíli anything.

Fíli nodded again and curled inward to rest against Kíli's chest, his sore hands tucked between them.

"I think Master Dwalin was desperate. He's been lonely, since we came home."

Balin had Dori, after all, and Kíli was frequently busy with Fíli and his duties as King. The Company all had their respective work and families and loved ones, but Dwalin had been cooped up with Thorin all this time, Fíli would bet, trying to find a way to make him better again.

He does remember snatches of what the warrior had said when Fíli had attacked Thorin. He clearly remembers throwing himself at the former King, and hitting him, though it felt more like the memory of an observer than his own. But he hears Dwalin yelling, and his own frenzied raving. He remembers calling Kíli his brother, though, and no one correcting him.

Fíli had suspected for many weeks, now, that they might be far more than just childhood friends. A childhood friend wouldn't have had the support to take the throne. Balin or Dwalin would have been next in line before someone who wasn't connected to the throne by blood. 

But brothers? Could it really be true? 

Brothers didn't have the kind of feelings for each other that Fíli had for Kíli. He loved Kíli with all his being, with every fiber of his soul, far more than one loved a sibling. He wanted touch their mouths together again, and be held close by him, and clasp their hands together like Balin and Dori did.

It couldn't possibly be true.

So he smiles faintly and buries these feelings, reaching up to pet at Kíli's beard again.

"I'm hungry, Master. Will supper be here soon?"

Kíli sighs and leans his head against his brother's. He had never thought how lonely Dwalin must be and has been. It was one thing to have Fíli so far away but he can't imagine the distance that Thorin has placed between himself and his One. The distance between the brother's was physical and easily crossed but the kind of chasm that laid between Dwalin and Thorin was completely different.

“I bet you're right,” he says. The King still feels like things could have been handled much differently and more safely. It probably should have waited until after he was better too. Although he guesses that seeing Fíli weak and pale like this would do more to helping Thorin realize just what he did.

“It should be here pretty soon. There's still some bread on the table from lunch if you want a snack, though,” he tells the other dwarf. He's kind of hungry himself but he likes where he's sitting more at this point. After being yelled at by Fíli, he felt like he needed to be this close to him again, if only to remind himself that on some level he's still loved.

“You might get something else besides soup today since you're doing a little better.”

Now that is definitely something to be celebrated, and Fíli grins against Kíli's neck, threading his fingers through his hair again. He liked soup, but he was getting a little tired of the same thing, and he yearned for something to properly chew. 

His teeth were aching for whatever stupid reason, only matched by the ever present throb at the back of his head. It hadn't exactly been a long walk with Dwalin, but Fíli felt as if he'd been pulled through all of Erebor if he was to base it off the soreness and the cramping of his muscles. The shivering seemed to have calmed down for a little bit, at least, and he wasn't drenched with sweat. He didn't really like sweating in his clothes. It made them sticky and uncomfortable.

He's quite comfortable to remain where he is for the moment, letting Kíli stroke his hair and enjoying the comfort of being held close. The urge for his drug is ever present at the back of his mind, but it quiets slightly when the other dwarf rocks him, and allows him to nuzzle his face into his mess of brown curls. He doesn't even notice or care that Bofur's hat sits on the bed beside him.

It isn't until Dashaw arrives with their supper that he moves, and then only because it's Bombur's noodle and melted cheese dish that Fíli adores probably more than even Bombur himself. It's still easy on his stomach, but more solid than the soup had been, and he gladly eats every single bite that's put on his plate, and the bread and butter that was brought up with it. He misses Dashaw leaning in to whisper to Kíli that he had seen Dwalin taking Fíli somewhere that afternoon, and admitting his uncertainty about the situation.

It seemed that Fíli had more people looking out for him than just the Company.

Kíli's heart is warmed by the idea that Dashaw is looking out for his brother, too. It was also good to know that even with their fame, Dashaw was still willing to report when a member of the Company was doing something shady.

“Thank you, Dashaw. Dwalin took him to see Thorin behind my back and we had a talk about it when I got back and found the room empty. It won't be happening again,” he whispers back, even though there's probably no real reason to. It wasn't like Fíli didn't know that he had been taken down there, although he probably didn't understand why his knuckles hurt. He hadn't really thought about that until now. Maybe he should have Oin go and check on Thorin if he had been hit as badly as his brother's knuckles suggested.

No, if it was bad then Dwalin would get Oin. It was probably better that he didn't interfere anyway.

After that he finishes his meal too, happy to see his brother eating his with enthusiasm and hoping that it all stayed down. That thought along with Dashaw pointing out a hot kettle reminds him of something they still need to do.

“We still have to drink that tea again,” he groans.

Fíli isn't the picture of cooperative when it comes to taking the tea after dinner, and the taste of it is more than enough to send him running for the chamber pot. He vomits violently until there's simply no more left, his body aching from the spasms caused by his gagging. At some point he started crying, though he doesn't really remember when, and it's difficult to focus on not spitting up more noxious strings of bile when his nose is running and he can barely see straight.

It only goes downhill from there as the next few days slowly pass. Oin comes to examine Fíli, who travels no further than the bed and the bathing room, shivering constantly and pale as a sheet. What little he can be coaxed into eating by Kíli or Bifur or Dori comes back up again, and he's badly dehydrated from crippling bouts of diarrhea.

To make matters worse, he's insufferably restless, but too exhausted to move from the bed, and so he works his energies out on screaming and begging the dwarves that take turns guarding him to give him the drug. He doesn't sleep more than a few hours at a time, and only if Kíli was in the room. It only took two destructive, uncontrolled panic attacks, in which Fíli attacked himself and those around him with teeth and nails, shrieking that Kíli had promised to protect him before Oin told Balin that it was simply too dangerous for Fíli if Kíli continued to leave. 

It had been an exhausting week for everyone, and so when Thranduil arrives with his son, the redheaded Captain of his Guard, and a small entourage of elves, they're welcomed into the mountain with nothing short of desperate relief.

Kíli is so exhausted from the past week that when he meets the Elven King, besides having dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep and a heavy heart from watching his brother slowly deteriorate, he seriously considers throwing his arms around Thranduil. He doesn't though, instead he bows deeply to the other King as the Elves enter the mountain.

“King Thranduil, thank you very much for coming,” he says with all the respect he can muster in his current state. There's a crowd of course, everyone coming to see the group of elves, and he's going to do his best to make sure that he shows them that he has no animosity for the group. What happened, happened, and besides Fíli's well being is much more important than any old grudge.

“If it's agreeable, I would like to speak with you alone and explain the situation fully since I was vague in my letter,” the young King suggests and looks between the three elves in the front. He remembers the Captain and the Prince from Lake Town, and Mirkwood too, when had been injured. With how tired he is and how preoccupied with Fíli he is, it takes a moment for him to remember his names.

“Prince Legolas and Captain Tauriel can join us, if you prefer or I have a few members of the Company that can show them around.” He offers and gives a small nod of his head to each of the elves.

Thranduil bows his head in acquiescence without breaking eye contact with the young dwarf, his gaze as neutral as ever, and follows after the King. He has theories about what it was he was summoned here for, and more specifically who, but he's still faintly surprised when the one he's been brought to aid is very familiar to him.

"When last we met you didn't look much healthier than you do right now, Prince Fíli," he murmurs, casting his gaze over the bedridden dwarf and the two seated beside him that he recognizes as part of Thorin Oakenshield's company. Fíli is deathly pale and his eyes are haggard and sunken shadows in his head. His blond hair is stringy and lays plastered to his skull, and he looks more like a corpse than a dwarf.

Thranduil approaches the bed without making a sound and Fíli tracks every step, staring tiredly up at the elf. He seems so familiar, but the pictures keep slipping away faster the harder Fíli tries to grasp at them. 

He's just so exhausted.

"Master.. Master, there's a stranger in the room," he croaks, closing his eyes in time to miss the way Thranduil turns to fix his heavy stare on Kíli, boring through the dwarf.

"I was given word that he had been executed by Thorin in his madness. If that is not so, as it clearly is not, what, pray tell, has he been doing these past years that leaves him in such a state?"

His words are as soft and elegantly spoken as ever, but there's an edge to them that warns Kíli he is not to be told any further lies. There is a darkness over Fíli's soul that Thranduil can see, a darkness that threatens to poison him, and it was something that one did not simply acquire in exile.

"Through our exchanged missives I am aware that someone, now I can assume to know who, has a serious illness you desired my consultation on. But this is more than sickness of the body. This is a sickness of his very spirit. Tell me.." he turned back to look down at Fíli, laying a cool palm on the dwarf's feverish forehead, "What cruelties has Thorin Oakenshield allowed in his madness?"

The young King smiles weakly and moves first to soothe his brother, postponing the inevitable anger he could expect from the elf when his questions were answered.

“It’s okay, Fíli. King Thranduil was the one that helped you when you were injured after the battle,” Kíli soothes. He wanted to go over and pull his brother against his chest and try to comfort him but he has to be a King right now. So instead he moves to stand on the opposite side of the bed from the Elven King, wanting to be close but also still trying to proper.

Thankfully Bofur and Bifur can comfort the blond while he can’t. They are the two that he trusted the most to be in the room while Thranduil and his party are here. Not that he thought the others would try something but he didn’t need the older members of the company being more worried about their grudges than Fíli’s health.

Bofur and Bifur’s dislike of the Elven King had more to do with the fact that he had them locked up and little to do with his actions, or inaction, after Smaug came. Besides both would rather see their Prince back to full health, no matter who they had to go to for help.

He doesn’t plan on lying, even though he can hear words from certain members of the company not to say too much to Thranduil. He knows that lying or withholding information isn’t going to help Fíli and it might even hinder his recovery. Besides lying only seemed like to him like he was trying to protect Thorin and he wasn’t about to defend his Uncle and his actions to Thranduil.

“Five years ago Thorin gave Fíli an ultimatum and when Fíli couldn’t come through, he was sold to King Dain, in the Iron Hills. He lied to the people to try and cover for what he did. He didn’t care about selling his Heir off but he did understand that other people would see that as unspeakable and take his throne away from him,” he tells the other King as he bows his head, still ashamed that he did nothing.

“Dain was,” he stops and shakes his head, trying to find a word that fit but he couldn’t think of any that truly described the monster Dain is, “cruel to Fíli. He was put through horrible tortures and Dain gave him opium to make him obedient and dependent on him. That’s why I wrote to you. We’re trying to get him off of it but he’s miserable. Is there anything you can do to help?”

Thranduil stares at Kíli with his ever present mask of neutrality, but there's a flare to his nostrils and a faint dig of a frown on his mouth that shows his distaste for what he's just been told.

"I thought there was nothing more important to your race than kin," he said coolly, turning to look back down at the sweat drenched dwarf, far more relaxed than he'd been moments before at the soothing chill of Thranduil's palm against his forehead. What had occurred here was nothing short of detestable, and while the Elf King had known Thorin was steadily succumbing to the sickness when he isolated his injured nephew after the Battle, he had not thought it possible for it to stretch so far.

"There is nothing I can do help him move past his emotional dependency on the drug. But I can put him into a deep, dreamless sleep until the worst of the physical rejection of the toxin has passed."

Fíli's eyes creak open and they're full of pain, but the shadow of a grateful smile crosses his lips. When he settles back into the pillows, fast asleep, the smile is still there. The pinched look of exhaustion has eased and he looks far more peaceful than he has in a week, his breathing steady and easy. 

The King turns back to Kíli and hands him a small leather pouch before striding smoothly over to the fire, settling down into one of the armchairs he finds there. 

"He will need to drink a tea made with this root every morning when he wakes. It has enough nutrients to meet his body's needs until he has recovered enough to eat on his own. He will also need to be given a plenty of water. The tea will keep his stomach settled so he will not vomit what he drinks, so he must have the tea first," he instructed in a low murmur, folding his fingers together and staring into the fire contemplatively.

“Thank you,” Kíli says and holds onto the bag as if it's fragile and one wrong move could destroy it and its contents. He's never really thought of tea as precious before but this bag will help Fíli while he's still recovering and that alone made it worth all the gold in the mountain to him.

He gives one last look at his brother before he goes to sit in the unoccupied chair next to the fire. He sinks into the cushion and tries very hard to keep his back straight and not show just how taxing the last week has been on him. It didn't seem fair to show that when Fíli had it so much worse than he did, after all.

“Kin is very important to us, but Thorin,” he pauses to take a deep breath and shake his head a little, “he lost himself to the gold sickness. When Fíli failed to meet his impossible expectations, he didn't see his nephew that he had been running ragged for nearly a year, all he saw was the chance to add more gold to his stash.”

His voice is heavy with sadness. Maybe it's just because of how tired he is but right now he does miss his Uncle. He misses the dwarf that had given him his first bow and then stood out at the range with him for hours until he finally hit the target and smiled from ear to ear like his young nephew had just hit a perfect bulls-eye. When in all actuality it had just barely landed on the target.

“There is one other thing I wanted to ask,” the young King says tentatively, “is there anything you can do for feet that were broken and then purposefully left to heal wrong? I know I'm asking a lot but our healers have said that Fíli won't walk properly again and will be in pain the rest of his life. Though, those are the same healers that told me he there was no way he would survive the wound he got during the battle.”

The same wound the Elf King had healed.

Thranduil's head tips slightly when Kíli mentions the dwarf's feet, and he stands in a flurry of fabric to go to the bed, pulling the blankets back from Fíli's sleeping form to study his feet. He ignores the protests of the two dwarves that had remained seated by the bedside in favor of picking up one of his feet, noting the way it was awkwardly knobbled and lumpy in all the wrong places, and twisted with scars. 

"What kind of cruelty is this?" he murmured aloud, more to himself than to any of the dwarves in the room, pressing his fingers into the bone and feeling where it ground together. It must be causing Fíli enormous discomfort to walk on them like this, and he would certainly never run or fight again.

The Elven King fixed his heavy stare on the older dwarf with the axe in his head, looking between him and the other seated beside him.

"How came he by such grievous injuries? Surely even dwarven folk are above such... barbarism."

He settled Fíli's foot back down onto the bed and pulled the blankets up around him again, folding his arms neatly over his midsection.

"I will do what I can once Fíli has awoken. One trauma at a time is enough, I should think, and his body doesn't have the strength to heal itself. To fix his feet I would need to break each bone and set it into its proper place. They'd need to be bound so they could heal properly, and he would be bed ridden for several weeks, months even perhaps, to allow for full healing. And it may be that Fíli does not wish to go through the pain that would come from such a procedure. When he wakes, it will be put to him to decide."

The Elf King returns to the armchair by the fire, looking more than a little perturbed by this new information.

“Dain used a set of iron boots with screws in them to break his feet as punishment. There was only one amongst the group that went to rescue Fíli that knew such a thing even existed but like I said, Dain was cruel. It took a lot of talking to get him to wear socks and he's only recently started wearing slippers, but no matter what we say though he won't go near boots,” Kíli informs the other King. He leaves out the part that Fíli still doesn't like his feet being touched at all, since it's obviously a little too late for that bit of information.

He visibly cringes along with Bifur and Bofur at the idea of having to rebreak the blond's feet in order to fix them again. He didn't think his brother would agree to it but Thranduil was right, it was his decision to make. If Fíli did want to be a warrior again, he would need to go through with the procedure but Kíli wasn't going to say or anything else about it that might sway him one way or the other. If he wanted to go through with it then he would stay with him the entire time, and if he didn't then he would completely understand.

“It'll be his decision,” the dwarven King repeats to Bofur, who looks like even the idea of telling Fíli what would need to happen in order for him to walk properly again is too much to bear. It wouldn't be an easy thing to do but his brother needed to know that he had that option. Even if the dwarves in the room didn't want to bring it up.

Thranduil stares at Kíli so long that it's almost uncomfortable, before finally waving his hand at the other two dwarves in the room.

"Leave us," he orders, and Bofur gets partway into an indignant retort about how he doesn't take orders from elves before Thranduil cuts him off, his gaze like a razor.

"I wish to speak to your King about what pains have been inflicted upon young Fíli besides those that are visible, which I'm sure you'll understand does not require an audience."

Bofur swallows the rest of his sentence, looking more like he'd just eaten a lemon, but nods his head and stands, firmly gripping Bifur's arm to keep from wrapping himself around a bed post and refusing to leave. The only thing, really, that persuaded him to leave was that he couldn't bear to hear Kíli recount the tale of Fíli's torment in the Hills. Once was more than enough to last Bofur a lifetime, and his cousin seemed to agree.

When the two had left the room and silence settled over it, save the deep, even breathing of the sleeping dwarf behind them, and Thranduil folds his hands on his lap, staring intently at the dwarf King.

"Now.. Tell me what evils Dain of the Iron Hills has wrought upon your brother. I see a darkness in his soul, one that is not acquired so easily. Great evil would have had to have been done to him for such darkness to fester and grow."

Kíli watches the two cousins go, wishing that he could go with them. He doesn't want to tell the Elven King what happened to his brother just as much as they didn't want to hear it.

“Well,” he starts slowly, “I know that he was beaten and punished severely. I don't know a lot of the punishments outside of the iron boots he was made to wear and the scars on his back, but for a while after we got him back, he was always expecting someone to hit him when he thought he did something wrong. He was also left alone a lot and only fed enough to keep him alive. He's put on weight now but he was a lot skinnier when we found him.”

The young King paused, trying to find the words to describe the worst things that happened to Fíli. The more he spoke, the heavier his shoulders felt and he knew that what he had left to tell King Thranduil he felt the most guilty for.

“Dain also,” he swallowed hard, “raped him, repeatedly, and used him as a form of entertainment for his guests. He gave Fíli the opium so he wouldn't fight back and would do as he bid,” he says quietly. Even with his brother put to sleep by Thranduil, he was still afraid that speaking of his time in the Iron Hills would give him nightmares.

Thranduil is quiet throughout all of Kíli's explanation, but his mouth has thinned out and his lips white with how hard they're pressed together in a frown.

"I believed Thorin Oakenshield capable of many things, but sending his nephew into such evil was something I thought beyond him, even at the height of his sickness," he says finally, his words measured and calm and his expression as blank as ever. In truth, he was angry, for he had grown fond of the golden haired dwarf during their time together after the Battle, despite his best efforts. Even if he didn't have a soft spot for him, he remained deeply offended by the very idea that such a thing had been allowed to happen on his doorstep, despite the fact he was not involved with the goings on in the Dwarven Kingdoms.

Thranduil crosses one leg over the other and folds his arms across his lap, staring intently into the fire.

"I have little magic as to help your brother, unlike the Lady Galadriel or Lord Elrond. I can help him find peaceful rest until his body recovers, but my knowledge of healing lies in what the forest can provide, and there is no root nor plant that can heal your brother's soul. What he needs is someone who will listen to him so that he can talk about what trials he has suffered, and like leeching poison from a wound, he will heal with time," he murmured, his thoughts weighing heavily on his shoulders. 

“You've still helped him more than I thought anyone could, thank you,” Kíli says gratefully. He has a sinking feeling in his gut though that the person Fíli is going to need to talk to will be him. He tries to think of someone else that his brother trusts that could also handle that kind of knowledge. Balin, Bifur, and Dori all come to mind but he knows for sure that at least Dori wouldn't be able to handle what happened. The oldest Ri brother looked like he was going to faint when the King had given him and Balin an overview of what his brother had been through.

He wasn't sure that he could survive the guilt but if talking about what Dain did to him helped then he would listen.

“I'll see if he'll talk to me about it. There have been a few things that he's told me but most of what we know comes from his scars or things he's begged us not to do,” he says lowly as he looks back to the blond sleeping in their bed. It's good to see him sleeping so soundly for once and after he's done with his duties, he plans on sleeping for the next week too.

“I don't want to defend Thorin but he never would have even thought about selling Fíli before we came to Erebor,” the younger Kings says flatly to hide his anger. Looking back he can see hints of the dragon sickness in his Uncle in Lake Town, long before they even entered the mountain. He might have been injured then but he sorely wishes that he would have noticed and talked Fíli into leaving for home instead of following their Uncle.

Thranduil dips his head in acceptance of this, but his gaze is critical when he looks up again, his mouth set in a grim line.

"It does not matter what he would have done. The point is that he has done it, and now we must clean up his mess once more," he murmured, and said no more to Kíli that night. He sat quietly by the fire until Fíli began to stir and helped him drink the tea he had created with the root he'd brought. When he'd coaxed the Prince into drinking several glasses of water he finally let him lay back and rest once more, his touch gentle and soothing. Fíli was an innocent caught in the wake of Thorin's madness, and Thranduil felt a connection to the soft spoken dwarf he'd nursed back from the brink of death after the Battle. He would have made the best kind of King his species had to offer, had Thorin not been so blinded by his greed.


	17. A Turning Point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fíli wakes up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is otherwise titled The Happy Chapter. Things are finally turning around, and from here we see a marked upturn in Fíli's recovery. From this point forward, the tone of the story will be largely positive.

And so it continues in a similar manner for several days. Thranduil and his guard are given rooms in the royal wing, and the Elf King spends much of his time with the two young Durins, making sure Fíli's sleep is restful and that his body recovers, and getting to know the new King of the Mountain. Kíli is like his Uncle when it comes to his impatience and his stubbornness, but he is also wise despite his youth, no doubt born out of great suffering in his too few years. His people are wary of him, but ultimately they are learning to trust him as their Ruler.

All in all, it takes Fíli's body sixteen days to purge itself of the lingering effects of the drug, with the help of the purifying tea he'd been given each night since Thranduil's arrival, but when he finally awakens it's plain to everyone that it, and the uninterrupted rest, have done him a world of good. His skin is clearer, if pale from being away from the sun so long, and his eyes have lost the permanent haze caused by the drug and his own physical exhaustion. He was in dire need of a bath, but he looked far more alert than he had in the months since coming home from the Hills.

Before bidding farewell, though, Thranduil had pulled Kíli aside, his expression grim. 

He warned the young King that while Fíli's body had healed, his mind was as damaged as ever. The nightmares would return in full force without the Elf there to keep them at bay, and he would still crave the drug and what it had to offer. Kíli's job, now, was to help Fíli eventually move past his emotional dependency on it, and find another thing that gave him peace. 

And so he left, and Kíli remains by Fíli's side as the famished dwarf fills his belly with smoked ham and boiled potatoes, his freshly washed hair combed back into a simple braid to keep it off his neck. 

Fíli didn't really remember much about the tall Elf that had helped heal him. He did remember his hands, though, cold as ice against his feverish forehead, and the pain splitting his insides. He'd been there after Fíli had gotten the wound in his side during the Battle, but beyond that he couldn't recall.

His mind is startlingly clear for the first time in years. The drug had always been a permanent cloud over his mind, blurring everything out, and while he missed the comfortable safety of it, he also liked feeling so.. aware of everything. Even the food tasted better, and he turns to smile at Kíli for the first time in many long days.

Kíli smiles back at his older brother, happy to see him up and about after over two weeks of being bedridden. For the past sixteen days he's sat in this room while his brother slept with the Elven King, waiting for his body to work out the rest of the drug. 

Those first few days of rest had been nice after days of getting the same amount of sleep as Fíli, while also being begged and pleaded with to give over the drugs. He did have a few meetings but those were with Bombur and Dori about plans for the Durin's Day party, and other than his paperwork all he had been able to do was talk with Thranduil. Not that he was a bad conversationalist, in fact he was actually quite pleasant at times, but it was still a talk between two Kings and not friends. It was trying to keep up the polite conversation for so many days straight. 

He keeps Thranduil's words in the back of his mind as they eat, but he's determined that they can work through this together. Bofur said that Fíli could keep his hat if it still helped and they would keep a candle lit next to bed to help with the nightmares, too. Whatever he needed to do to help he was going to do.

“It's good to finally see you up,” the younger dwarf says as he takes a bite of ham, “how are you feeling?”

When Fíli leans back into his seat he's comfortably full and relaxed, far more so than he's felt in a very long time. The room is warm, but no longer stifling like it'd been when he was sick, and everything seemed brighter and more homely.

It helped that Kíli was still here, and he turns to give him another smile, softer, but warmer.

"A little weary, but better than I was the last time we spoke," he admitted, looking down at his folded hands on his lap and twisting his fingers. He could sort of remember the last few weeks, but it was like looking through a waterfall. Everything was distorted and kept washing away as quickly as he tried to grab for it, but he remembered enough to piece together that he'd been beyond insufferable.

"Are.. Is everyone angry with me? For the things I said and did?" he asked in a small voice, twisting the hem of his tunic between his fingers. 

“No one is angry with you,” Kíli responds quickly, “everyone understands that you weren't really you while you were going through withdrawal.” The things Fíli had said cut pretty deep at times but he wasn't mad at him for saying those things. They probably need to be said anyway and there was nothing that he said that wasn't true.

“You don't have to, but you could still apologize if it makes you feel better. Everyone will just say that you have nothing to apologize for and say that you're forgiven,” he tells his sibling. He can almost hear Bofur and Nori at least smiling and waving the apology off but everyone would be glad to see their Prince up and about for the first time in weeks. Even had been so worried with Thranduil here and Fíli sleeping so much.

“We could probably go down and have dinner tomorrow with Bombur and everyone else if you want. They've been really worried about you and expressed wanting to see you as soon as you were ready to have company,” Kíli says. He thinks it would be a good idea for both of them to get out of this room for a while.

Fíli perks up immediately at the mention of dinner with Bombur and his family, and he hesitates for only a brief moment before throwing his arms around Kíli's neck, stretched awkwardly between their chairs as he clings to him.

It feels good to be close to the other dwarf like this again, and he nuzzles his face into the crook of his neck, enjoying the warm scratch of his beard against his cheek. His own beard has finally grown back in, but after five years of being clean shaven it takes some getting used to. It does feel nice rubbing against Kíli's, though. 

"Did you mean what you said? About there being a Durin's Day celebration?" he asked softly, refusing to come out from Kíli's throat, which he has decided is really quite a comfortable place to be. He smelled like wood smoke and leather, and Fíli quite liked the combination. 

Kíli enjoys being this close again, although it does feel like they're both about to be pulled out of their chairs. He had always pulled his brother close when he crawled into bed and occasionally he would wake up with Fíli laying on his chest, but this was better.

“Yes! That's in just a few days actually. You slept through most of the planning and waiting,” he says excitedly as he scoots his chair closer to Fíli so neither of them end up on the floor. 

“It's going to be a lot of fun and Dori is so excited for you to see all the decorations he's gotten together. Bombur is already starting to get the kitchens ready for all the food they need to make. He's going to use some new recipes that are really delicious and he was a little sad that you weren't awake to taste them. I told him you could be his taste tester next year,” he says with a grin that splits his face. He thinks that he's just as excited, or even more so, for Fíli to go to this party and be a part of it.

“There's just one downside though,” he says gently, trying not to physically deflate with what he's about to bring up, “because there's going to be dancing and such, you would need to wear boots.”

Fíli sighs softly and smiles against Kíli's throat, fingers tightening around handfuls of dark curls.

"Next year."

He very much liked the sound of next year. He'd never really let himself think about a future in the Hills. It was about surviving to the next day, to the next dose, to the next meal. But to think that there was a whole year ahead of him, and a year after that! It was mind boggling.

All that comes crashing down when Kíli says he has to wear boots, and he draws back with an expression of fear and uncertainty.

"But, Master.. Master, they'll hurt.. I can wear my slippers, can't I? My slippers are nice and soft and they keep my feet warm," he begged in a whisper, shaking his head and leaning in to press his face against Kíli's chest.

Kíli held Fíli close, cursing that he really needed to get his brother into a good pair of boots. If it was just a small party, he could probably get away with wearing his slippers but not at the kind of party they had planned out already. 

“They will keep your feet warm but there's going to be a lot of people and if you want to dance your slippers won't protect your toes if someone accidentally steps on your feet,” Kíli says gently. He understands the fear but there is so much that Fíli will be able to do once he wears boots again. He also remembers Thranduil's offer to fix his feet but he doesn't want to bring that up until later. Talking about having to wear boots was more than enough trauma for now.

“Boots are meant to protect your feet and keep them warm. You can try on mine if you like, they definitely don't hurt my feet,” he says as he runs a hand over blond hair.

“And if you ever want to train again you'll have to wear them, too. I'm sorry but you really do have to wear them for the party at least.”

Fíli pulls away and stands, wobbling on weary legs to go sit down on the bed. After several days of bed rest, walking took some getting used to, again. He looks crestfallen, and hugs his knees up under his chin, his feet curled protectively under himself as best as he could.

"But I'm afraid. What if, even with the boots, I cannot fight or dance? I'm weak, and my body doesn't move so well," he admits quietly, hiding his face from Kíli. What good was wearing boots when he couldn't do anything, whether they were on or not?

His feet ached just from standing for too long, and he wasn't very strong. How was he supposed to dance when he couldn't even walk?

And dancing brings up another problem.

"Master Nori said it's important that I am secret from everyone, so that I am safe. How am I to be a secret if I attend the party?"

Now he sounds downright miserable, realizing that maybe he can't go to the festivities after all, boots or no boots.

“You were never going to stay a secret forever, and Nori will ensure no dwarves that would potentially bring you harm will be allowed to attend the Festival,” Kíli says as he turns in his chair to watch Fíli. This was definitely not how he imagined this conversation going. He just wanted his brother to be excited and to be able to enjoy even one thing inside the mountain.

“I know you're afraid but your body will become stronger over time, Dwalin will make sure of that with the training. Maybe you won't be able to dance much at the party but I'll still be with you and maybe you'll still have fun,” he tries. Maybe this whole party thing was a bad idea. If Fíli wouldn't wear boots or didn't think he would enjoy going, he was going to have to stay here alone. Maybe a member of the Company would stay with him but as King, he was obligated to go. He really didn't want to go if his brother didn't but at this point there was nothing he could do.

It would just be one more way that he was like Dain.

“King Thranduil said that there was a way to fix your feet, but it's going to be very painful and you'll be stuck in bed for weeks while your feet heal,” the King informs Fíli, hiding the sudden disgust with himself that suddenly rises up.

Fíli's head whips up so fast that it hurts his neck, but he's staring at Kíli, hard, as if trying to discern if he was lying or not.

"He can fix my feet? He can fix them so I can be me again?" he asked in a harsh whisper, nearly tripping over himself to fall on his knees beside the King, grabbing at his tunic and looking desperately up at him. He could be healed. He could be a warrior, again, a Prince. He would be strong and be worthy of standing at Kíli's side. He could protect himself.

He barely even acknowledged that Kíli said the pain would be horrendous. Pain was nothing compared to the fear that Kíli would one day leave him behind. Pain, he could understand. Pain was an old friend.

"I'll wear the boots, I'll do anything, please! Please tell Master Thranduil I want him to heal my feet!"

The King stares at him in shock, an expression of concern darkening his features.

“Are you sure Fíli? You haven’t even heard what he has to do yet, and it’s going to be painful,” Kíli says as his brows knit together. He understands his brother’s eagerness but at the same time he doesn’t want to dash that by saying what exactly Thranduil has to do. He can’t leave him in the dark about this though only to find out when the elven King returns. 

“Fíli, in order to undo what happened, King Thranduil is going to have to rebreak the bones in your feet so that he can set them right. It’s going to hurt like it did before and you’ll have to stay in our bed until you’re all better,” he says lowly and he bring himself to look into his brother’s eyes. Even just saying that Fíli is going to have to _choose_ to have his feet broken again makes his heart and feet ache. He covers his brother’s hands with his own, giving them a gentle squeeze.

“King Thranduil probably won’t be able to return for a long time though, since he’s spent over two weeks here. It’s completely your choice and you don’t have to make it right now. As for the party, if you still want to go, how about we work on you wearing boots so that you’re ready for the celebrations in a few days.”

Fíli sits back on his heels and looks down as he digests what Kíli has told him. The idea of the Elf King touching his feet at all makes his skin crawl, but to have to sit through each bone being broken again, just so they could heal properly?

He swallows thickly, adam's apple bobbing, before looking back up at Kíli, a determined fire in his eyes like the one he had when he'd announced they were going with Thorin to take back Erebor.

"I want to do it. I'm going to do it. I will be a warrior, and no one can ever hurt me or my family ever again," he said firmly, tightening his fingers around Kíli's tunic. If he could fight, he could kill anyone who dared try to take him away from his home again. He could be with Bombur's family and not be afraid that someone might try and harm them to get to him, because he could _protect_ them. 

"Please, Master. I can do it."

He stands up suddenly and walks unsteadily over to the door, his breathing pitching the entire way over. His prey is Kíli's boots, sitting innocuously on the ground with the laces still undone, waiting to be worn. Before Fíli can entertain even a moment to feel doubt, he sits down on the floor with a thud and grabs one of the boots, jamming his foot inside.

It's the wrong boot, so it's a little uncomfortably awkward, but otherwise, it doesn't particularly hurt. It's lined with sheepskin and topped with warg fur, and it's very warm. 

Fíli wiggles his toes experimentally, and besides being a little too big to fit properly the boots are surprisingly cozy and don't hurt him at all. They actually even feel kind of nice, like a soft glove around his feet. When he reaches down to squeeze the boots, the hard leather doesn't give and he can't even feel it with his feet. 

His cheeks are a little pink when he twists to look back at Kíli, but he's no less determined than before, and his mouth is set in a firm line.

"See? I can do it," he insisted, trying to hide the way his hands shook slightly.

“I knew you could,” Kíli smiles warmly as he moves to sit next to his brother on the floor. He was immensely relieved to see the boot on Fíli's foot, even if it was the wrong boot for that foot. It was a little endearing, to be honest.

“It's pretty warm right? I bet is a little awkward though because it's on the wrong foot,” he continues to smile although he tries to make sure that he doesn't sound at all like he's mocking the other dwarf. It's impressive that he would just decide to sit down and put a boot on by himself after everything he went through and how much convincing it took to get him to wear socks. Fíli was a lot stronger than he believed, but, Kíli always knew his brother had it in him.

“This one might feel a little better on that foot,” he suggests as he hold the other boot out towards him. It was up to him whether or not to put both boots on right now but at least he should feel what it's like to have the right boot on the proper foot.

“I'll write to King Thranduil and tell him your decision and ask him to come back at his earliest convenience. I'll stay here with you while he's fixing your feet if you want me to,” Kíli says. He wasn't sure he could be able to stand the sound of breaking bones but if Fíli wanted him here than he would be here.

“If you want tomorrow before we go to Bombur's, we can get you your own pair of boots. Then you can wear them to dinner to show them off to everyone.”

Fíli swallows again, and his face fills with heat at the embarrassment of having jammed the boot on the wrong foot. He very cautiously withdraws it from the shoe, staring when his stockinged foot comes out unharmed. He wiggles his toes again, and watches them move, too, before taking the boot from Kíli's hand and slipping it back inside.

It definitely fits better, and Fíli leans over his leg so he can try and lace it up the way Dori had taught him. His fingers are clumsy at first, and it's different tying a boot up when it's on you rather than in front of you, but he manages a fairly decent knot, grinning down at it when he's done.

Fíli grabs the other boot without even thinking and tugs that on, too, pulling the laces tight and making another knot, rocking his booted feet back and forth in interest. He barely even hears the rest of what Kíli is saying, looking up when the King finishes speaking.

"I like these boots. I want to wear these ones."

Kíli's smile brightens as he chuckles. The boots would be big on Fíli's feet but if he wanted to wear them, well he had more boots that he could wear. One pair was his dress pair, the ones he was only supposed to wear during important ceremonies. The other pair would work until they finally gave out, they were pretty old so that might be sooner rather than later.

“If you like those then you can have them,” he says. Seeing his dark boots on his brother's feet is a little weird since he had grown used to a pair of brown boots there instead. While his had simple ties, Fíli used to wear ones that had sheathes for his throwing knives. Maybe eventually he would want a pair of boots like that again but his own boots would work for now.

“They'll protect your feet during the party and keep them warm,” the younger Durin says as he stands.

“First we should we see if you can walk in them before you try dancing. Come on, I'll help you if you want,” he reaches both of his hands out to help his brother up.

Fíli's face lights up and he leans in to throw his arms around Kíli's neck again, pressing as close to him as he can possibly get.

"Thank you, Master. I'll cherish them," he whispered, hugging him fiercely. He balks when the King leads them to stand up, though, clinging to him as the heavy boots make it awkward to get his feet under him like he usually does.

He's surprised, though, that they're so easy to stand in, and he slowly releases Kíli so he can step back and look down at himself, wiggling his toes again. His feet still ache, but, the boots go up well past his ankles and the sturdy support takes some of the weight off his heels and arches. They are heavier though than he expects, and his first few steps are clumsy as he tries to get used to lifting more than just his slippers.

He realizes taking big steps helps considerably, and so he half stomps around the room as he gets used to moving in them, not realizing that he's grinning like he's just been told there'll be lemon cake at supper.

Kíli is grinning like a loon too as he watches the other dwarf move around the room. He wanted to stay close at first, just in case, but the easy way Fíli seems to take to walking around in them again puts him at ease. It also makes him wonder if his body remembers how to moves so easily in the boots, if he'll remember how to move when his training starts back up.

“Now you can go to the party and whenever you're ready we can tell Dwalin that you two can start your sword training,” he tells his brother. In the weeks that Fíli had been sleeping, Kíli had forgiven the old warrior. It had taken a while, and a few days of rest, but he did understand that Dwalin was trying to get his One back. He still maintained that he should have been told or, at the very least, Fíli should have been told. 

His brother should have never thought that he was being sold away. Dwalin should have said that they were going to see Thorin and that he was going to be brought back to the room right after. The King also wasn't sure if Thorin and Fíli should be seeing each other again but he would leave that up to Fíli.

“You'll have to show Dori and Balin your new boots too. They'll be excited to see that you're wearing them.”

Fíli's mouth drops open at that and he half staggers across the room to wrap around Kíli again, looking up imploringly.

"Can we go show them right now? Please, Master, I promise to be good when we're out!" he begs, before going still at realizing just how close they are. Their faces are scant inches apart, and Fíli has the same urge as always to lean up and press their mouths together. He'd liked it before, but Kíli had been asleep, and he wasn't so sure that gesture would be appreciated while he was awake.

So he makes himself draw back and he turns to hide the heat filling his cheeks, picking Bofur's hat up off the bed and tugging it onto his head.

"I grow a little weary of being cooped up in here. It would be nice to go see our friends, if Master Oin says I am allowed to leave," he said, a bit more calmly than before, tugging on the ties of his shirt. 

Kíli doesn't let himself feel hurt or disappointed when Fíli pulls away from him. He remembers that even something as simple as kissing is a very big deal for his brother. It's just like getting him to wear socks or boots, so maybe not today but maybe in the future they would. He lets that thought give him comfort as he goes to grab a coat out of the closet.

“I'm tired of being in here, as well, and Oin said that you could go visit our friends. Although Balin might be busy right now, we can go see Dori in his tea shop and I bet Ori will be there too. They would both love to see you,” he says as he places the cloak on Fíli's shoulders. It was cold in the mountain as the weather outside got colder too and while the other dwarf was doing better, they were still going to take precautions.

The King leaves his sibling to go grab a coat for himself and his old pair of boots. Once he finishes getting those on he goes to the door and holds out a hand towards Fíli.

“Ready to go?”

Fíli does his best to hide his hair, which he knows by now is quite distinctive, tucking the thick braid up into Bofur's hat and hugging the thick fur lined coat around himself. It's made of leather and smells like Kíli, and he smiles as he lets his hand slip into Kíli's, feeling suddenly shy about the simple touch.

The walk to Dori's shop is blessedly uneventful, and he leans into the other dwarf's side the entire way, though his steps are slow and unsteady. He's unused to moving in the boots, and he's still tired and recovering from being in bed and sick for two weeks, but Kíli's there to patiently help him balance every step of the way, and soon they've arrived at the shop.

As expected, Dori coos over Fíli in his boots like a proud mother hen, and he sits him down with a slice of plum cake and a cup of sweet tea. Fíli, meanwhile, eats it up like a child being praised for some extraordinary feat of strength, letting Dori spoil him with a second slice of cake when he's finished the first.

Ori isn't here, though, sadly, and Dori tells him that the lad was out cold. It seemed Ori had been driving himself into exhaustion, researching possible ways to help Fíli move past his addiction to the drug, and the thought warms Fíli and makes his eyes prickle and burn.

More than ever, now, he was determined to learn how to fight again. Not only for himself, but, for his friends, who believed in him.

Seeing his brother up and wearing boots and looking better than he has since they brought him back to Erebor makes Kíli feel like a proud parent, too. As Dori coos and dotes over Fíli, he can't help but feel like he's seeing his family reunite. That seems silly since they've all been together for months now but somehow this feels different.

And knowing that Ori was researching ways to help his brother warms his heart too. It only cements the idea that each member of the company was looking for their Prince, in their own ways. Hopefully they would see Ori at the Durin's day celebrations so that he could thank him.

The King waves off a second piece of cake for himself, having eaten entirely too much ham earlier. He had gotten in the habit of not eating much while Fíli had been in bed sick, worrying that every little movement was the start of a nightmare or that he was going to wake up. He should have trusted King Thranduil and even though he had seen what the elf could do it was still hard to wrap his head around him being able to keep the nightmares away.

He gathers up their plates, letting Dori sit and talk with Fíli about the upcoming celebrations while he washes them quickly before joining them both back at the table. It's not long after that Balin walks in to the teashop, looking just as tired as Kíli has ever felt after a day of dealing with nobles and the Council.

“Fíli has something to show you, Balin,” he announces when his Adviser raises an eyebrow at their presence in the teashop.

Fíli looks up when he sees Balin entering the tea shop and his face splits in an excited grin as he stands up and comes out from behind the table. Balin gets one quick look at the Prince's new boots before he has an armful of excited dwarf. He feels all the weight of the stress slide off him in that moment, and he hugs Fíli to him tight, petting through his golden hair and smiling softly.

"That's good, laddy, I'm so proud of you. You've done so well and we're all happy to see how far you've come," he murmurs, squeezing him before letting him go back to sit down, giving his husband a wink. 

It was hard to imagine that just a few months ago, Fíli was shrinking and crying at every wrong touch or word, and now here he was, sitting up tall and proud with a smile on his face, drinking tea and not even phased when the occasional customer wandered in to pick up an order. 

"The preparations for the celebration are almost complete. It should be a grand feast, my King, and the stalls for the sellers and vendors are all set up," he hummed, grinning at Fíli over his teacup when the golden haired dwarf lights up with delight. 

Kíli grins at that too, both delighted that the preparations are nearly done finally and excited again that his brother wants to be part of the celebrations. Balin is right, for once it's good to see Fíli looking like the Prince he has always been.

“Thank you, Balin. Hopefully everyone else will think so, as well,” he says even though the only person's opinion that he cares about is Fíli's. As long as he has a good time then the celebrations will be considered a success by the King. He already knows that at least the Company will have fun too since Bombur and Dori have already enjoyed themselves putting the day together.

“Would you like to go see the vendors, Fíli? The main feast hall is decorated too but we'll save that for Durin's Day and you can see Dori's decorations in their full splendor,” he grins when Dori huffs out of embarrassment. The older dwarf believed that the decorations weren't what they could be although they would do. When Kíli had seen the feasting hall he had been floored by the colors and the fabrics that Dori had picked out. Truly he had never seen a room decorated so beautifully.

Fíli bites his lip before shaking his head, leaning into Kíli's side and nuzzling his face against his shoulder.

"I want to wait until the celebrations, to see them with everyone else and with everything all lit up and full of happy dwarves celebrating and singing and dancing," he sighed, closing his eyes so he can picture it. It'd be so wonderful. And he'd actually get to be part of it this year, rather than locked away in his room, all alone, in the dark. 

When he opens his eyes again he's surprised to realize there's tears on his cheeks, and he reaches up to brush them away, embarrassed.

Both Balin and Dori smile patiently, though, and Dori offers him a napkin to dry his face, reaching out to take his hand and squeeze it reassuringly.

"I'm sorry, I'm just.. I'm happy to be here. To be home, with everyone," Fíli whispered, ducking his head a little and rubbing fiercely at his eyes, which refuse to stop watering.

“Don't be sorry Fíli. We're all really happy to have you home too,” Kíli tries to reassure him, Dori and Balin nodding in agreement. He likes to think that he's happier than anyone to see Fíli home again and out of Dain's reach, but he knows that really all of the Company is just as happy as he is. Especially Balin, Dwalin, and Dori, who had always been family even before they were actually family. 

The only thing that would make this better in his mind is if Thorin was just as happy with Fíli's return. That would mean that their Uncle was clear of the gold sickness and if he was he probably wouldn't have sold his heir in the first place. Still, he can't help but remember the meager Durin's Day celebrations they had back in Ered Luin, the three of them and Dwalin. They didn't have much, then, but it was still some of the best memories he had.

“You'll be one of the happy dwarves celebrating too. The whole Company will be there and Bombur will bring the kids. You haven't seen them in a long time,” he says just before he thinks that maybe bringing up Bombur's children might not be a great idea. Kíli is trying to make him feel better, not more guilty.

Balin clears his throat at that, and leans in towards him, reaching out to rest a hand on his shoulder.

"On the subject of celebrating, lad, we've been meaning to talk to you.." he murmured, and Fíli looks between him and Dori uncertainly. Had he done something wrong?

But Balin smiles and he relaxes a bit, sitting back in his chair to listen to what the old dwarf has to say.

"The Kingdom has been waiting a very long time to see you alive, again. You gave them hope when they had none, and now that you are well on the road to healing, we all think that the Durin's Day celebration is the best time to reveal to everyone that you are alive."

Immediately Fíli looks concerned, his face pinching with worry and his mouth sinking into a frown.

"But.. then everyone will know about.. about what happened," he whispered, feeling very small. He didn't want the entire mountain knowing what Dain did to him.

Balin immediately backtracks, waving his hands back and forth.

"No, no they won't, Fíli. Your Uncle announced that you were beheaded, and Nori has been circulating the rumor that he had a change of heart and exiled you to the Mirkwood instead. But the festering sickness in the forest made you ill, and food was scarce, and the trauma of the great beasts and monsters that live there hunting you left you in need of recuperation. And so you have been recovering in secret, until you were physically well. And now that you _are_ well, my Prince, I think it is time that you made an appearance," he says more gently, and Fíli relaxes, his eyes flitting back and forth as he digests this. None of them believed for an instant that the truth of what Fíli had survived was shameful, but, Fíli himself feared judgment should the real story come out, and the risk of other opportunists trying to kidnap him and sell him back to the Hills was too high to tell the true tale. It was better for everyone to circulate the falsehood.

Kíli watches the exchange silently; he wanted to talk about it later with Fíli so he could just enjoy being out of their room for a night. He thought to bring it up earlier but his brother had looked so crestfallen about the whole wearing boots thing that he hadn't wanted to.

“The only people that know where you really were will be the Company and they aren't about to tell anyone. And with the rumors Nori has been spreading and when we reveal you at the party, everyone will think that anything about the Iron Hills was just a rumor,” he adds. It made sense to him at least that people would come up with a rumor like that, it wasn't like Thorin was all that popular back then. There were worse rumors about him floating around that weren't true.

“Nori has done a great job making sure that the dwarves there will believe that you were in the Mirkwood but it's up to you. If you don't want everyone to know that you're back yet, we can find another day when you're ready,” Kíli says softly. He doesn't want Fíli to feel like this is something he has to do, even though eventually he will. It's just not something he has to do right away.

Fíli nods, staring down into his empty tea cup as if it held all the answers. It remains silent, though, so that means he has to come up with one himself.

"If I am announced to the Kingdom, and they all believe this new story, then no one will try to steal me away to the Hills again?" he asked, looking anxiously at Balin. The old advisor dips his head in acknowledgement, hands folded over his belly.

"You would be their hero Prince returned to life. You would be safer than ever before, and it would mean no longer having to go everywhere like a criminal, hiding and disguising yourself. It'd mean you getting the opportunity to train outside with Dwalin, in the sun and open air, and learning to ride your own pony. You'd be a true Prince again, and the people would welcome you gladly at the celebration," Balin murmured, and Fíli nods a second time, gnawing at his lower lip. He couldn’t promise there would be none that dared to try hurting the Prince, but, this time it would be much harder for any to get close enough to him.

"Would I have to start doing Prince things again?"

He directs this question to Kíli, peering at him from behind lowered lashes.

"Like going to the Council meetings, and attending the Court sessions?"

“Yep you would have to participate in the Council meets and attend the Court sessions with me and you can offer advice too,” Kíli says with a smile. He can't remember if he's actually told his brother that he would be able to attend council meetings with him once he's better, but he hopes that he likes the idea. The King sure liked the idea of having Fíli next to him all day, it would make meeting with the Council and nobles a lot easier to deal with.

“There are other things of course but those will be your main duties as Prince, so you'll be spending a lot of time with me,” he says and tries to hide at least some of his delight at the idea.

“As long as Dori and Balin think you're ready, of course, and you want to. You haven't had lessons in a while after all,” Kíli still smiles as he gives a gentle nod towards the two older dwarves. Dori looks like he could cry but there's a huge smile on his face as he nods and takes his husband's hand.

“I think he's ready to join you at Council meetings and in Court. I'm not sure there's much else that I can teach him,” the older dwarf beams. He couldn't be more proud of Fíli and happy that he got to help in his recovery. Maybe they aren't entirely out of the woods yet, but his Prince looked so much better than he had when he had first seen him.

Fíli wonders if _he_ thinks he's ready to start attending Council meetings again, swallowing nervously as he fidgets with his teacup. It would mean getting to spend more time with Kíli, but he was afraid of failing. What if he made a fool of himself?

But, he supposed, if he could survive Dain, and the sickness, then a few dusty old dwarves around a table really couldn't be all that awful. 

He looked up again and offered a small smile, but his jaw is set and he's determined.

"I'm ready. I'm ready to be their Prince again, and to represent my people. I.. I almost died for them before, and I'd do it again, if I had to," he murmured, missing the warm look of affection he gets from Dori at this. 

"Well, then. We better go find you something nice to wear at the festival, and some nice tunics for Court," the eldest Ri brother hummed, and that does make Fíli perk up a bit. He always did enjoy nice, new clothes.


	18. The Night of the Festival

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Durin's Day Festival is here, and Fíli gets some bad news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some happy and some angst.
> 
> Warning for Fíli attempting to push himself to do some things before he's ready.
> 
> The next chapter will be a pile of happy, at least?

The two Durins had stayed for the rest of the evening, talking over tea and more cake that Dori brought out. The King was glad that they had come to the tea shop because it felt like an age since the last time he was here. Getting out of their room was definitely good for them and they only left after Dori announced that he would be there first thing in the morning to find clothes for Fíli. 

The arrangement works well for Kíli at least, there are still a few missives that he needs to go over and a letter that needs to go out to Thranduil informing him of Fíli's decision. He assures Fíli that he's going to find him here at his desk when Dori comes to get him after breakfast the next morning. They're gone for a few hours but with the paperwork that he needs to finish before Durin's Day, it feels like they were only gone for a few minutes. 

Even as the King under the Mountain, he can't help but instantly want to look in the box that his brother's new clothes are in the instant Dori says he can't because it's a surprise. He doesn't doubt the older dwarf's taste in clothing but he can't help being curious.

It helps that Dori stays most of the day, refreshing Fíli's memory on the things he has learned, as it's been weeks since his last lesson. Kíli's attention is torn between his papers and watching his family. He'd never seen his brother actually taking lessons from either Balin or Dori, and maybe it's come about with all the practice, but he can't help but notice how much he looks like the Prince he is and always has been.

The rest of the evening goes by fairly quickly as Kíli finishes his paperwork and Dori joins them for dinner. The eldest Ri brother only leaves after he makes Kíli promise not to look in the box, and he doesn't. He joins them again the next morning to help get Fíli dressed after both brothers bathe. The King is sequestered in the bathing room to get dressed and braid his hair while Dori helps his brother.

He wears a blue tunic with silver stitching, a pair of black trousers and his nicest boots. He's also polished his silver hair beads enough that they shine like mithril and stand out even more against his dark hair. He can still remember a time when he hadn't wanted to wear the typical blue tunics of Durin's line simply because Thorin had worn the same color. Balin had insisted though and eventually he just grew used to it and stopped seeing the dwarf that sold his brother and One off when he looked into the mirror.

Now all Kíli saw was a young King, excited to show Fíli around today and to finally see what Dori had picked out. He takes his time finishing his last braid, trying to give the other two dwarves time to finish getting ready, and internally sighs at having to wear his crown again. 

“Can I come out yet?” He asks as he nudges the door open just a little.

"I suppose so," Dori calls back, sounding a little too sly to be entirely innocent, and with good reason when Kíli steps out to face Fíli.

Dori has really pulled out all the stops in dressing Fíli for the Festival, and it shows. He's dressed in trousers of the finest soft leather, and over that is a rich tunic of bright scarlet, embroidered with gold thread. A brown leather belt, studded with geometric patterns, circles his waist and is knotted on his hip, and a sleeveless leather coat is pulled on over the tunic, edged with dark warg fur to keep him warm, but also adds to the sheer majesty of the look, swirling around his calves as he took a step. The familiarity of it also serves to remind everyone that he truly is the nephew of Thorin Oakenshield, and a Prince in his own right. Golden hair spills down his back, intricately braided with the beads Kíli had gifted him many months ago, and clasped at the back of his head with the clip from Dis, which matched the one Kíli owned. On his feet are a new pair of boots of dark leather and topped with fur that matches his coat, neatly laced up the front and coming to mid-calf.

These had taken the longest to get on. While Fíli had been willing enough since his initial spurt of courage to wear Kíli's old boots, he was still resistant to the idea of anything different and therefore untrustworthy. Ultimately, it had taken Dori offhandedly mentioning how much Kíli would enjoy the look as a whole before he could be coaxed into tugging them on. Equally difficult was getting Fíli to hand over Bofur's beaten up old hat, which he'd only surrendered after Dori bribes him with one of Bombur's snack cakes.

Fíli's cheeks are faintly pink at the scrutiny of both the dwarves in the room as he stands opposite Kíli, fingers knotting around the loose tail of his belt.

"Do you like it? It isn't.. well, it isn't too much?"

Kíli is certainly handsome in his blues and silvers, and Fíli finds himself wanting to cuddle up with the other dwarf much more than go to the party. What if they didn't get to spend any time together at all tonight, because of everyone clamoring for the attention of their King? And he couldn't deny his stomach was roiling with anxiety and fear at being announced to the Kingdom again. He'd do anything for even a tiny bit of his Bliss, to soothe out the tension in his muscles, but, he keeps this to himself.

The King's eyes go comically wide as he takes in his brother, Dori had really outdone himself with this outfit for him. He looks every bit the Prince that he is and is easily the most beautiful dwarf that he's ever laid eyes on. The way the gold and red looks against his skin and with his hair makes the younger dwarf wonder why they never thought to put Fíli in red before.

If things were different maybe he would ask the older dwarf to leave them alone for a while but things aren't like that and he feels a little guilty for thinking it. It felt a little inappropriate since he'd said that he wasn't ready for anything.

“No it's perfect, you look amazing,” Kíli quickly praises him after Dori clears his throat. He hadn't realized just how long he had remained quiet after his brother had asked his question. 

“Dori did a great job. You look,” he pauses for just a moment to look over Fíli again, committing details to memory, before smiling wide, “you like a Prince.” He finishes and he catches the beads he had carved and given to his sibling months ago in his hair. It makes him smile even more when he sees them. He also notices the tension and doesn't blame him at all.

“We'll be together all night and I can talk to anyone that asks questions if you want,” Kíli tries to reassure him as he moves closer to the other dwarves. He knew the story that Nori had come up with forwards and backwards and it would probably be easier for him to lie to the people than Fíli.

Fíli visibly relaxes at this and leans towards the other dwarf, pressing their foreheads together with his eyes closed.

"I would very much prefer that," he admitted in a soft whisper, replaying over and over again the breathless way Kíli complimented him, like he actually desired Fíli.

He draws away with a shy smile and looks back down at his new clothing, toes curling reflexively in the soft, fur lined insides of his boots. What if he did something wrong, or said something wrong? Fíli wasn't so sure he was ready to be a Prince again, but Dori and Kíli are leading him from the room and it's too late to go back now.

He pulls the hood of his coat up over his head and presses tight to Kíli's side, before remembering Dori's instructions on how to walk like royalty. He moves over, and makes his strides bigger, shoulders back, head up, and hands most definitely not tucked into his pockets. It feels natural, but that doesn't much mean he likes it.

Especially when they enter the grand Hall of the Kings, and the people around them begin to cheer and clap at their arrival. Fíli's much more interested in the golden floor, made by the company on accident during the attempt to oust Smaug from the mountain, Balin had told him. It's since been smoothed over by goldsmiths, and the damage caused by the dragon has been undone, and Fíli thinks it looks rather nice. He hopes to remember how it was made, soon, as he’s sure it’s quite the memory.

A hush falls over the crowd, though, as they approach the stone pedestal that had been erected at the head of the room, everyone excitedly waiting for Kíli to speak so the feasting and dancing could begin, and the shops set up in the adjoining halls could open. Everyone was dressed in their finest, and Fíli could see the endless glitter of gems and gold and silver in beards and sewn into clothing. The smell of ham and turkey was heady, and he could even pick up the scent of Bombur's melted chocolate drink that he knew Fíli loved. That brought a smile to his lips, and it was still there when he stepped up behind Kíli to face the dwarves of Erebor, though it vanishes quickly when he begins to speak.

Fíli is afraid. He wishes Dori had let him wear his hat.

Kíli takes his place at the pedestal and stands like the proud King he is in front of his people. He isn’t afraid like his brother but he is nervous about speaking in front of them, and to reveal Fíli. He still worries that this will just paint a bigger target on his back instead of keeping him safe like Nori and Balin had said.

When he raises his hands everyone quiets down to the point that you could hear a pin drop across the great hall. Sometimes being a King can wear on him but being able to silence the masses with one single move is pretty cool.

“Dwarves of Erebor! Welcome to the first Durin’s Day celebration in almost a century! We have much to celebrate this year; Our kingdom is finally regaining its former glory and prosperity!” He pauses and lets the people cheer. It’s taken nearly two years for him to undo the damage his Uncle had done but truly it seemed like things were looking up for the Kingdom.

“And there is more cause to celebrate! Five years ago, Thorin announced that he had his nephew and heir put to death for treason. I stand here today to tell you that he lied. While he believed that Fíli had committed crimes against the crown he couldn’t see him out to death and instead banished him from our home and to the Mirkwood. Five years later I set out to find his body and give him the burial he deserved but what we found something much better,” He announces and turns towards his brother, holding out his hand to help him to his side. The King can feel the fear and tension in his body and gives his hand a gentle squeeze.

“I’m right here with you,” he whispers to Fíli before turning back to the crowd.

“Our beloved Prince Fíli, the Martyr Prince, lives/ He survived years in the Mirkwood and though he was weak from his ordeal when we found him, he stands in front of you now, stronger than ever!”

“Take off your hood, Fíli, and let them see you,” Kíli whispers to his brother.

Fíli thinks that 'stronger than ever' is stretching it a bit, and his hands are shaking as he reaches up to push his hood back to fall around his shoulders. As one, the dwarves in the grand hall inhale sharply, and Fíli is faced with a wall of open mouthed stares and wide eyes. What he wouldn't give to step back and just watch Kíli speaking again. He spoke like a King, and it was nice to watch, especially from the safety of Balin's side.

But then someone starts to clap, and it's as if the sound spurs the assembled dwarves into action. They all begin to clap, and even cheer, and Fíli can't help but feel a warmth spreading through him, like sliding into a bath.

When it comes to speaking, though, he's at a loss, and his lips move wordlessly for several moments before he finally finds his voice, struggling to remember what Dori and Balin have both taught him over these long months. He especially remembers their strict instructions to not so much as whisper the word 'Master'. While the use of 'Mister' when referring to any of them would appear as Fíli being respectful of his elders, the use of 'Master' would not seem so innocent, and that only made his job harder.

"Dwarves.. Dwarves of Erebor. I am glad to have returned to you, alive and whole," he breathes finally, echoing around the now hushed hall. Whole was really rather debatable as well, but, they were Balin's words not his own.

"Now that I have healed, I will resume my duties to Erebor and its people. I will reign alongside King Kíli as Prince and Heir, and eventually as the Captain of his Guard and his Armies, once Prince Consort Dwalin settles into his dotage."

Laughter at that, and he can see Dwalin elbowing Balin for the comment but looking amused nevertheless. Gaining confidence that he hadn't been chased off the pedestal, yet, or threatened, he plows on.

"I am Fíli, son of Dis, heir to the line of Durin, and Prince of Erebor. I return!"

Cheers erupt in the hall, and the musicians in the corner begin to play their opening number, signaling the start of the festivities. The crowd disperses as dwarves spread out to feast and dance, and Fíli almost collapses back into Kíli's arms. He manages a small smile, though, and resists the urge to bury his face into his throat and never come out again.

"Did I do well, Master?"

Kíli’s smile is the widest it's been in a long time after watching his brother reclaim his titles in front of their kingdom. He had always imagined them standing together in front of the masses and ruling together and although things are very different from his daydreams, he is still glad that they’ll still be ruling the kingdom together.

It seemed that Fíli was still the better speaker between the two of them, at least to him.

“You did great, Fíli!” He praises as he holds the other dwarf against him. He’s hyper aware of how long they can hug and how close they can be before people start giving them questioning looks. While the company knew about them and didn’t care, that doesn’t mean that others feel the same. He hates feeling like there are eyes on them constantly and worrying, but in truth there are and they need to be careful.

Without pulling away too far or too quickly, he unwraps his arms except for one which stays around Fíli’s middle back as they step down from the pedestal.

“Would you like to go get some of Bombur’s chocolate drink first? I think a really big mug of that is in order after your speech,” the King suggests excitedly. He’s more than ready to show his brother around the huge hall and everything that has been set up for the festivities.

Fíli gives him a look of gratitude and relief, letting himself be led over to the tables where the feast was spread out like an offering to the Gods, and he stands off to the side so he isn't blocking anyone from the food, and waits patiently for Kíli to pour him a mug.

It's been barely a moment before he's surrounded by people, all grilling him for details of his exile in Mirkwood, congratulating him for his return, thanking him for his sacrifice, and asking him about his plans now that he's returned, about whether he's searching for a wife. It's overwhelming, and made even worse by the closeness of them all. They only get closer, and more insistent in their badgering, as he panics and tries to look for an escape, babbling incoherently in an attempt to fend off their endless questions. 

Somehow he finds a way through the huddling masses and stumbles away, looking around wildly for Kíli. He can't see him past the people dancing and feasting, or the crowd that still looks for him. 

Fíli's heart is hammering in his throat as he ducks behind one of the grand pillars, stopping only for a moment before making a run for a side door. He's greeted by the silence and the chill of an empty room, and he sinks down against the wall, trying to calm his frantic breathing. But then there's the echo of a footstep and he goes still as a statue, staring in fear at the shadowy darkness.

He wasn't alone.

“Needed a break from the crowds? I don’t blame you, they can be a little overwhelming,” she says as sweetly as she can, approaching the other dwarf. She had seen Fíli before they left on their quest and had always thought that he was the better looking of the pair of brothers. It helped that he had blond hair like she did and that he was named as Heir.

He isn’t the same dwarf that left Ered Luin though and it worries her that she could have ended up like him, had she approached him before his exile.

“I forgot my manners, I’m Nyi daughter of Nithi, at your service my Prince,” the dwarf says with a bow. She kneels on the floor before Fíli, smoothing out her light blue and silver skirts around her before pulling the short, white rabbit fur jacket tighter over her chest. The dress brought out the blue in her eyes and she’s heard before that with her eye and hair color, she could have easily been mistaken as a child of Dis.

“You’ll have to pardon the others though, my Prince. They’re just excited about your return and they mean well. You’ve made them, and your brother the King, very happy. Kíli has told me all about your ordeal and I think it’s just awful and I’m glad that he could save you,” Nyi says softly, not untirely insincere. She doesn’t know what happened in the five years that he was gone but she knows that there is no way he had been exiled to Mirkwood. Thorin must have sent him away to somewhere much more sinister, and he certainly bore the countenance of one that had been through any number of indescribable tortures. She couldn’t afford to pity the Prince, though, not when she was about to break his heart.

“I’m sure he’s told you all about me too. Although maybe he hasn’t time since that Elven King was here for so long. Well long story short, Thorin introduced us and we hit it off. We would have been married sooner, but he wanted to wait until after he learned your fate so we’ve held off. Now that you’re here though our wedding can go on!” She says with an excited little clap, feeling sick. In truth she knows that Fíli and Kíli are close, too close by their laws and the Prince is the only thing standing between her and the safety of a marriage to the King. 

Fíli jerked and scrambled up to his feet, staring at the woman with wide eyes and struggling to digest the things he had just learned. She looked just like him in a way, with her braided blond hair and her piercing blue eyes, and she wasn't someone to be trifled with, he got that right away. She was also incredibly beautiful, poised and elegant like a true lady of nobility.

Her words are like a punch to the chest, and Fíli finds it difficult to breathe, his heart in his throat. Feeling sick, he struggles to keep from running away, his arms stiff at his sides so they don't betray him by shaking.

"You're... You're betrothed," he finally managed to say, and saying it out loud only drove the spike deeper into his heart. Kíli had said they were lovers, that they could be lovers again after he had recovered. Had he been lying? Or had he expected Fíli to be his pet on the side, to be hidden away in the shadows while he paraded around the mountain with his Queen? 

Had he known the depths of Nyi's desperation, he might have pitied her. She had been raised by her Father for the sole purpose of being married off to someone who would bring wealth and stature to the family. When she refused to marry the decrepit, ugly nobleman he had chosen for his riches and connections, she'd been beaten and locked away until she gave in. That the new Heir to the throne required a wife had been her one opportunity to do as her father demanded, and she'd been given this one last chance before he forced her into marriage with the horrid nobleman.

By luck, Kíli had been drawn to her golden hair and blue eyes, a rarity among their people, and he had agreed to be betrothed to her. But once he took the throne from Thorin he had dissolved their bond and canceled the plans for the wedding the next day, and that left Nyi in a very, very bad position. She had been raised as a nobleman's daughter. She had no skills to speak of, certainly none she could make a living off, and that was if her Father would ever allow her to take up an apprenticeship and learn any. Her one chance was to drive Fíli away and recapture a brokenhearted Kíli.

"Yes, we are betrothed," she responded, examining her fingernails to avoid meeting his gaze. She could hear the emotion cracking in his voice and decided to drive the final nail home.

"We were planning to name our firstborn son after you. I do hope you like children, for we talked about having a large family together, and they would delight in having an Uncle."

Fíli physically recoiled at that, and the despair filling his lungs threatened to overwhelm him completely. So that was it, then. He really was Kíli's brother. He doesn't know if that hurts him more or less than learning that Kíli intended to marry and father children with this stranger now that Fíli was well. 

He hadn't once mentioned Nyi to him, not even in passing. He'd promised he wasn't married, that he wasn't going to be married. He'd promised he loved Fíli, that he wanted to _be_ with Fíli!

Fíli didn't care that they were brothers. He'd suspected for a very long time, and it did not change the intensity of his feelings for Kíli. But did Kíli feel the same? 

"Congratulations.. on your betrothal. I hope that you both live long, happy lives together and are blessed with many children," he manages to whisper, before turning and making his escape. He stumbles through the crowd like a blind man, his breathing short and gasping, and his vision spotting. There was just so many dwarves everywhere, and they were closing in around him, and the ceiling was going to fall and crush them all into the immaculate gold floor-

"Kid? Where in Mahal's name have you been, Kíli's been looking for you everywhere!"

Nori's voice cuts into the impending panic attack, and Fíli turns on him with eyes wide like a cornered deer's, grabbing at the startled dwarf's tunic and tugging desperately.

"Please, please I need my Bliss, I need it! I can't breathe, I'm going to die if I don't get it!" he begged, and Nori looks around in a rush to make sure no one heard that. The music is blessedly loud, and everyone is distracted with the dancing and the feast, and so they go unobserved, for now.

"Let's.. Let's go back to your room and see what we can find, Fíli," Nori says finally, and he hates the hopeful way Fíli nods and follows him willingly, like a dog being offered a bone. 

The moment Kíli couldn't find his brother he had quietly asked a few of members of the company to help look for him. The longer they couldn't find him, the more and more he worried that someone had kidnapped Fíli again. He had only turned his back for a second when the crowd had swarmed and he lost sight of him.

He had to hold his composure though, he still smiled and greeted the dwarves that came up to him. He answers questions about his brother and congratulating him on being able to bring him back. When one lord asked how Fíli was able to survive out in the Mirkwood for so long, the King just chalked it up to his perseverance and the stubbornness of the line of Durin. That got a laugh and he excused himself while that small group was entertained.

He was ready to hop up on a table to scan the crowd and see if he could find the familiar head of blond hair but Balin grabs him by his upper arm and whispers that Nori has found Fíli and they've gone back up their room.

If it's possible, Kíli is relieved and even more worried than he was before. Finally his brother has been found but what would make Nori take him back upstairs? Nothing good, that's for sure. He quickly excuses himself and heads upstairs too, his mind running at a million miles an hour imaging what he's going to find once he gets up there.

“Fíli? Nori?” He asks worriedly as he enters.

Nori looks up from where he's got Fíli restrained in his arms, the pair locked in a tangle on the floor. Fíli had all but completely dissolved when they entered the room, and his desperation manifested as anger at the realization he wasn't getting his drug after all.

He goes still as stone, though, when Kíli enters the room, and stares at him wide eyed. His Kíli, his Master. No one would ever take him away, no one, not even his betrothed. He promised he was Fíli's, and that Fíli was his, and this was a promise that Fíli was going to make him keep!

Fíli wrenches free of Nori's arms and throws his arms around Kíli's neck, clutching at him desperately. Kíli was here, with him. He didn't care about the party he'd waited so long for, or the crowd of people excited to see their Prince returned to them, or Nori, or Nyi, or anyone. Kíli was his, and no one would ever take him away!

Nori gives them both a silent look before bowing his head and leaving the room, and Fíli relaxes a little when it's just the two of them once more. No one could take Kíli away when they were here. This was their place, just for them.

"I was so scared.. I lost you, I couldn't see you anymore, and I.. I don't want to go back tonight, I want to stay here with you," he whispered, pressing his face into Kíli's shoulder. There was one way he could show him he was worthy, that he was healed and that Kíli could love him without needing another. 

He draws back from the other dwarf and gives him a small, watery smile, reaching up to comb his fingers through Kíli's beard.

"I.. It's a special night.. And I want to do something special together. I want to show you that I love you.. and that I trust you above all others, and I only want to be with you."

Fíli bit his lip and reached out to pluck at the laces of Kíli's tunic, if he hadn't already gotten the hint, looking uncertainly between them and Kíli's face. What if Kíli refused him? What if Kíli didn't want him like Nyi had said?

Kíli looks between the laces that are being undone and his brother too. He thinks it's a little fast for Fíli to possibly want what to go to bed together but at the same time, he doesn't know how long to wait either or even if there's a recommended time. So if the other dwarf says he's ready, then he'll just have to trust that he is.

That doesn't mean he's just going to jump right into fulfilling his fantasies though. No, tonight is going to be slow and he's going to make sure that Fíli is okay every step of the way. Even if he is ready that doesn't mean that he couldn't possibly be triggered by something.

“I love you too, Fíli,” he says and rests their foreheads together. His hands rested gently on his brother's hips and he found that he was actually nervous about moving them. He wanted to move them up and start undressing Fíli but he also wanted to push up the bottom of his tunic and feel bare skin too. He thinks either should be okay really. It's not like this was the first time that he's helped the other undress or seen him without clothing before, although it's the first time with any intent other than changing or bathing. 

Kíli opts to just push up the bottom of Fíli's tunic and rub his thumbs over bare skin, deciding that his brother can take off his clothing when he's ready.

Fíli's jaw clenches when his tunic is tugged up from his trousers, and Kíli's fingers brush across the skin of his hips. Already he was quailing, but he refused to stop now. He wasn't going to lose him to Nyi, he was going to show Kíli that he was worth keeping, that he could do anything Nyi could, and better.

So he swallows the nausea rising in his throat and finishes undoing his laces, struggling to keep his hands from shaking as he pushes the fabric off his shoulders and lets it flutter to the ground. He leans forward and presses his forehead into Kíli's chest, taking a deep, shuddering breath and inhaling his scent. He smells of leather and wood smoke and soap, and he smells like home.

He can do this.

He grips Kíli's shoulders and pushes him back until he sits on the edge of the bed before grabbing at his own clothing and working it off. He can do this. He doesn't care that it's going to hurt, because he'll get to keep Kíli. He'll show Kíli he's worth loving. 

Still, when he's standing in front of Kíli without a stitch of clothing on him, he can't help the shiver of fear that rolls down his spine. The last time he stood bare like this in front of another dwarf, it was his last day in the Iron Hills. Dain's son hitting him, shoving him down into the carpet and taking what he wanted. There was pain and blood and he hurt.. He hurt and he just wanted to go to sleep-

He falls to his knees in front of the other dwarf and there's no disguising the shake of his hands, now, as he tugs at Kíli's trouser laces, becoming increasingly panicked when the knot catches and refuses to budge. He doesn't have time for this, he isn't going to last much longer. He can feel Dain's hands on his skin, feel his breath in his ear and he's so heavy, so heavy..!

His breathing pitches, and his muscles tense tense, and then he collapses forward with a strangled sob, his face pressed into Kíli's thigh. 

"I can't.. I can't do it.. I tried, Master, I tried, I'm so sorry..!" he cries, shoulders shaking as he clutches at the other dwarf, tears slipping down his cheeks. 

“Shh, it's okay Fíli. You have nothing to be sorry for,” Kíli tries to soothe as he runs his fingers through blond hair, the other hand resting on a shaking shoulder. He had seen his brother starting to panic but hadn't been sure of what to do, but now it's easy to know what he needs.

“You don't have to push yourself for me. I want you to be comfortable and happy if or when we ever get to that point. There's no rush,” he says gently. He would wait forever if he could still keep Fíli by his side. At least his brother was here and he would be grateful for that until his last day.

“Why don't we get you redressed and we can just lay together on the bed,” he suggests after a while of rubbing Fíli's back and running his fingers through his hair. There was still a party going on downstairs but he was sure that the crowd was the last thing the other dwarf needed right now. Even the King could use a little bit of quiet right now and reassurance that Fíli was okay.

“If you want we can go back down to the party later, but I think a little relaxing is in order right now.”

Fíli looks up with an expression of utter distress, his fingers grabbing at Kíli's trousers.

"I don't want to go back down. I want to stay here with you. I don't want you to go away again," he pleaded, sinking against his leg in defeat. He'd failed. He'd failed and now Kíli was going to leave him for Nyi. 

He feels cold as he stands and dresses in his sleeping clothes, leaving the fine things on the ground where they lay. What if all those 'meetings' that Kíli had insisted he was attending weren't real? What if he'd been also meeting with Nyi?

The thought makes him sick to his stomach, and he grabs his hat and pulls it down over his ears as hard as he can, wishing it would swallow him up.

Did he lie with her while Fíli was here, watching supper grow cold and the candles sinking lower in their holders? 

Did he even really love Fíli at all?

Fíli slowly slips onto the bed and curls up on his side, his eyes staring vacantly at something only he could see.

What if he was never ready? What if Kíli grew tired of waiting and cast him aside for Nyi? She was beautiful, and whole, and she could give him happiness, and heir-sons. She could reign as a strong Queen, and Erebor would love her.

Fíli couldn't even handle a party.

Kíli followed the other dwarf onto the bed after he changed into his sleep clothes too. He might be missed down at the party but he wasn't about to leave his brother up here to suffer alone. If he'd known about what was on Fíli's mind he might have gone back downstairs and dragged Nyi up here kicking and screaming to explain herself though. 

As it is, all he can do is sit behind his curled up form and wonder if it's okay to touch him again. He tentatively reaches out and rubs his sibling's shoulder to try and comfort him. All the younger wants to do is curl up behind Fíli and pull him close but he's not sure what's okay right now.

“Hey, it's really okay that you aren't ready. I'm happy enough with just laying together like we usually do,” he tries. There's something just right that he could say right now to make the dwarf feel better but he can't figure out what that is. Maybe he just needs space.

“I won't go away again and starting the day after tomorrow you'll be coming to all my meetings with me. That'll be nice, right?” Kíli asks as he lays down, trying to get something out of the other. The longer nothing happens the more helpless he feels.

Fíli stares at him quietly before nodding and slowly scooting himself closer, hiding his face in the hollow of Kíli's throat. Maybe he couldn't have sex, but he could show Kíli he was still a competent ruler, right? He could prove he was a better politician, and a better leader, and just.. just better than Nyi, and anyone else that wanted to take Kíli away from him. 

He curls his fingers into the front of Kíli's tunic, letting himself slowly relax at the soothing smell of smoke that clings to the fabric, and the touch of his hand through his hair. He was safe, now, here with his Master, no his.. His _brother _.__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't judge Nyi too harshly. She's actually a good person, really, she's just stuck between a rock and a hard place.


	19. A Chance at a New Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A moment is shared and Fíli learns something that changes everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow so we really apologize for the horrendous delay. Life sort of got away from the both of us.
> 
> ON THE UPSIDE SUPER HAPPY, SUPER LONG CHAPTER THAT WE HOPE WAS WORTH THE WAIT?

The brothers had been laying, twined together like snakes, for many long minutes before Fíli finds the ability to speak again without his voice wavering, though it isn't about his fears or Nyi or anything that one might expect.

"Master.. What is it, when Master Balin and Master Dori touch their mouths together?" he asked softly, sliding his hand down so he can clumsily press his palm to Kíli's, lacing their fingers. 

"And when they clasp their hands together? They always look so happy when they do it, but I don't understand."

The other dwarf pauses, and grimaces, trying to find the right words to answer his brother’s question.

“Oh uh, well when the touch their mouths together that's called kissing and people do that when they're in love,” Kíli explains after he shakes the image of his kin kissing. He may be an adult and a King to boot but he still reacted like he had when they were dwarflings and caught Thorin and Dwalin kissing. Though the idea of kissing Fíli again is a much more enjoyable image.

“And when they hold hands like this,” he says as he gently squeezes the hand in his, “it's also because they're in love, but it's also a comfort, too. Like when we put our foreheads together.” He explains and turns his head enough to rest his cheek against the others head. He likes holding hands with Fíli and its probably something they should have been doing before. Maybe then his sibling wouldn't feel like he needed to push himself to have sex.

“It makes them happy because they're close to the one the love. I bet they lay like this and hug too and it makes them just as happy. I know it makes me happy,” Kíli murmurs. He tries not to think of them cuddling either and focuses on the feel of Fíli against him. It's a comfort to have him close after worrying that he'd been taken again.

Fíli's eyes flutter shut at the contact, and he enjoys the simplicity of it. It's nice, being close to Kíli like this, and to feel his beard scratch against his skin, and his thumb, rubbing in gentle circles, against his hand. 

He swallows thickly and leans back again so he can meet Kíli's gaze, looking shy and uncertain, but with a determined set to his jaw.

"I.. I want to try it. Can we try kissing? Only.. Well, it looks like it's really nice, and I want to try it with you," he asked softly, looking down and away as heat fills his cheeks. He wasn't about to admit that he'd tried it before, briefly. It was embarrassing enough already that he'd been too afraid to do it when he was awake. 

“If you want to try, then of course we can,” Kíli replies and doesn't bring up the fact that they've kissed before. If Fíli doesn't remember then he doesn't want to put any kind of extra pressure on him, especially if telling him leads to explaining what they did that night and why.

“It's really easy,” he says as he sits up just enough to rest their foreheads together, “we just press our lips together and that's a kiss.” 

There can be more to a kiss but he doesn't think that Fíli is ready to hear about that just yet. He brings their lips within a hair's breadth of each other but stops before they actually kiss, looking for any signs of panic or discomfort.

“Like this,” he whispers just before closing his eyes and brings their lips together. It's just as good, maybe even better, as the first kiss they shared all those years ago. He tries to pour his love into the kiss while keeping it soft and undemanding. After a moment, that's far too quick for him, he has to pull away before he forgets himself and tries to deepen the kiss.

“Just like that. What do you think?”

Fíli's belly is flip flopping nervously as Kíli leans closer, about to bolt just as their mouths touch. The tension bleeds out of his muscles and he relaxes completely against the other dwarf as they kiss, his face flush and lips slightly parted when Kíli finally withdraws. 

He can't even get his mind to process what has just happened, or how perfectly natural it felt. It was like his heart was singing in his chest, and everything felt right for once, not a thing in the world out of place.

"I.. I like it very much," he whispers, his lips brushing against Kíli's with every word at how close they still are. He decides he wants another one and leans the rest of the way to kiss him again, tightening his hold on the other dwarf's hand. Kissing feels nice, very, very nice. It doesn't hurt, and it isn't scary at all. 

Fíli wants to stay and kiss Kíli all night.

Kíli hums happily as they kiss again. He would happily stay here and kiss Fíli forever if that was what he wanted. He could easily stay here for the rest of his days if they could lay just like this and kiss.

He lets the hand that isn't intertwined with Fíli's, find its way into blond hair. He wants to move it to the base of his neck and hold their lips together but he also doesn't want Fíli to feel trapped, or like this is something that he has to do. Instead he plays with a braid between his fingers, feeling one the beads he made at the end of it makes him feel impossibly warmer.

“I love kissing you,” he breathes when he pulls away for just a second. He nuzzles their noses together for just a second before they're kissing again. It's just as slow but with the warm haze that's settled over his mind, he forgets himself for a second and runs the tip of his tongue along Fíli's bottom lip. The realization of what he's just done hits him and he pulls away with wide eyes.

“I'm sorry! I didn't mean to do that!”

Fíli's floating on a cloud of bliss, and for once, it isn't from the drug. Maybe this can be a new kind of drug, kissing Kíli. It certainly had the same effect of making him forget everything that ever happened in the world.

He jerks with surprise at the wet touch of Kíli's tongue, though, and stares at him in shock. Not really fear, though, and he reaches up with his free hand to touch his fingers to his lips, curious.

"Is it bad to use tongues? I didn't know you could use your whole mouth to kiss," he breathes, sounding more excited than afraid. He'd only just learned how to kiss, but already there was even more things he could do with Kíli. 

“No it's not bad, actually it can be really good, I just,” Kíli pauses to study the blond laying on him, “I just wasn't sure if you were ready for that. I don't want to push you into anything that you aren't ready for.”

Another pause.

“It's just the same as before except if you open your mouth a little, we can touch our tongues together,” he says gently. He's never had to explain kissing before to anyone, specially to his older brother. That first deep kiss they shared five years ago had been a little clumsy now that he thinks about it. He has to wonder if he was the only person Fíli had ever kissed.

“It's very nice actually and you can kiss more than just someone's mouth. You can kiss their cheek,” he says as he demonstrates, feeling his brother's slowly growing beard under his lips, “and their forehead too.” Kíli demonstrates that too before placing a quick kiss to Fíli's lips.

Fíli stifles a faint whimper of delight when Kíli kisses him again, and he's all but flush against the King, now, face warm at the idea of touching tongues. He'd never heard of that before. It sounded so odd, but he wanted to try it, because it also sounded so very lovely.

So when Kíli kisses him on the mouth again he parts his lips and allows his tongue to poke out shyly, more than willing to let the other dwarf take the lead entirely. 

Kissing was wonderful. It didn't involve taking his clothes off, or someone between their legs, or being touched between his own. Kissing was safe. Kissing with Kíli was safe _and_ enjoyable. 

Kissing other places besides mouths sounded interesting, as well. Fíli would have to explore those options later, when he wasn't so enraptured with the concept of kissing with tongues.

Kíli has to fight back a moan that surges forward when he runs the tip of his tongue over the bit of Fíli's that's poking out of his mouth. Its endearing to have to show his brother how to kiss like this when before they had just kissed until they found something they both liked. It was so different from that first time and if he's honest, he always imagined their first time to be slow and languid like this. 

That wasn't to say that he didn't enjoy that night they shared together five years ago. It was one of the best nights of his life so far and he wouldn't change it.

He uses little licks against Fíli's tongue to try and draw it out more. He makes sure to keep it slow as he slides their tongues together and runs his over the other's lips. It's all so familiar to him, his brother tastes just like he had all those years ago and he pulls away panting lightly in an attempt to calm himself.

“See? It sounds a little weird but it's good,” Kíli says taking a deep breath. He knows it's ridiculous that just kissing has him wanting so much and he needs to keep himself under control, especially with the way Fíli is laying on top of him. The other dwarf wasn't ready and he wasn't ready to show just how exciting kissing was to him.

Fíli decides that Kíli tastes much like the way he smells; smoke and leather and good things, and a hint of chocolate. He likes it, and so when Kíli pulls away from the kiss all too soon, he chases after it with his lips, unwilling to let it end. 

"It's good, it's very good," he agrees breathlessly, nuzzling his mouth along Kíli's jawline before finding his lips again. He's as clumsy as ever, but he wants to taste more of Kíli, and do more of this kissing, and he wonders if it really would be allowed for them to kiss all night. 

He doesn't even notice the way he's situated himself on top of Kíli, or the unconscious rock of his body as they touch tongues. All he knows is he feels hot all over, and his belly is tight, and it actually feels kind of wonderful, like kissing.

Is this what kissing felt like? Fíli is sad he waited so long to ask Kíli if it was.

“Fíli,” Kíli whimpers when he feels the rock of his body against his. It's starting to get too familiar now and he knows that they should stop before Fíli gets scared but with fire running through his veins and a firm haze of want settling over his mind, it's difficult to actually stop. After years he's finally being kissed again like he never hoped to be kissed and for years he's dreamt of this moment while he lay alone and Fíli was miles away.

He knows the answering rock of his own hips before he does it, but he can't stop himself. Before his brother can hopefully catch on to just what he's doing to the younger dwarf, he sits them both up, planting Fíli between his spread legs.

“I'll be right back,” Kíli says completely breathless but he smiles anyway. As he moves off the bed, he leaves a few lingering kisses on Fíli's lips, hoping they distract him from what's going on in his sleep pants, before he shuffles off to the washroom. He gently closes the door and sinks against the stone floor, thankful for once that it's cold.

Fíli's dazed as he watches Kíli quick step away to the washroom, slowly sinking back into the pillows to wait for him to return. He doesn't really feel he's done something wrong, but he is rather confused at the King's abrupt departure. 

There's a heaviness between his legs, and he draws his knees up to try and quash it, thinking instead about Kíli's mouth against his own again. It was warm, and wet, and Fíli really liked it. Was he allowed to kiss Kíli in front of others, like Master Balin and Master Dori?

But they were also brothers. He had a feeling that it wasn't right for brothers to kiss, certainly not like he and Kíli has just been kissing. 

He feels a savage satisfaction that he gets Kíli's kisses and Nyi doesn't, rolling over onto his belly to wait for Kíli to return from the bathing room. Maybe he'd been leaning on his bladder too hard in laying on top of him. That must be it.

Kíli wishes he was just in here to relieve his bladder, certainly that would be less embarrassing to explain. As it is though, he's still sitting on the floor trying to banish away any thought of his brother and trying to get his body to relax again. No matter what he thinks of though, Fíli still enters his thoughts. If he thinks about doing paperwork, Fíli is sitting in his lap, writhing against him and making all those beautiful sounds he made five years ago. If he thinks about long and boring pony rides, Fíli is in the saddle with him, whispering about all the things they're going to do when they stop.

It's a sweet torment and eventually he knows that he's going to be in here all night unless he takes matters into his own hands. Literally.

The King lets his head fall back against the stone wall as he undoes the laces of his sleep pants and pushes them and his smalls down just enough to free his cock. He hisses lowly as he takes himself in hand, his palms cold from the floor, as he starts to stroke. He doesn't think about Fíli being bent over his desk or even going back to an old fantasy of silently getting his brother off while they shared a saddle. The events from earlier are still fresh in his mind and even in his fantasies those feel like too much to put Fíli through.

Instead he remembers his brother's weight on him and the way he tasted, the unconscious rock of his hips and the way he whimpered before. The memories of the two nights that they've shared so far blend into one fantasy that seems perfectly fitted for the Fíli that isn't ready for more. In his head he doesn't leave, they just continue to rock against each other as their kissing becomes more desperate. He can almost feel his brother's hot panting against his lips as he thrusts up into his own hand.

In his mind he can kiss across Fíli's jaw and down his neck until he gets to the sleep tunic and he has to bite his bottom lip in real life when dream Fíli rolls his head to the side, exposing more skin to Kíli's lips. He would be careful not to leave marks but he would kiss and run his tongue over every inch of skin that would have sweat rolling across it from the exertion.

His hand speeds up as the dream version of his brother rolls his hips faster, getting so close to the edge now and desperate for his release. Kíli would find a better way to slot together and they would move together. In his mind and in real life, he comes after seeing throw his head back and coming with his little brother's name on his lips. 

He works himself through his shuddering orgasm before settling back against cold stone. He lets himself enjoy the moment until his breathing resembles something close to normal before he reaches for a cloth on the side of the tub. The young Durin cleans his release off his hip and the floor before tossing it with the other dirty towels and standing up to make sure that the blush in his cheeks has receded in the mirror.

When Kíli is sure that it doesn't look like he'd been in here pleasuring himself, he exits and goes back to lay on the bed next to Fíli.

Fíli has grown bored, and more than a little anxious, the longer Kíli is in the bathing room. What if he'd done something wrong, or hurt him, or upset him? He could have never dreamed of what the other dwarf was really doing, and when Kíli returns looking a little over bright and peaky, Fíli regards him warily.

"Are you okay, Master? Only.. you look rather.. distressed," he commented slowly, wondering if he even wanted to know the answer. What if Kíli didn't want to kiss anymore? 

There was only one way to find out, and he twists a little closer to the other so that they're side by side on the bed, staring in his disarming, intent way that made most dwarves feel like they were being scrutinized.

"Did something go wrong? Are we not allowed to do kissing anymore?" 

Kíli has to fight back a nervous chuckle at Fíli's questions, he'd been too busy debating the ethics of what he'd just done on his way back to the bed that he hadn't even stopped to think about coming up with a story about what he was actually doing.

“Of course we can still kiss,” he assures the blond with a smile and a quick kiss to his lips, “I had a couple of bites of ham before I realized that I couldn't find you and it didn't sit well with the chocolate drink. I'm fine now.” He continues to smile, hoping that Fíli believes him. It would be better not to lie to him anymore but he's not sure he can admit to what he was just doing after telling his brother that he was fine with waiting until he was ready to have sex.

He laid back against the pillows and gently ushered the other dwarf to lay on his chest again. He should be fine with kissing like they were before again now that he was sated. Well at least he hoped he was and that he wouldn't have to hide away in the washroom again.

“We can kiss all night long until we fall asleep if you want.”

Fíli isn't quite sure he's being told the whole story, but he's easily distracted by the promise of more kisses, and the warmth of Kíli's chest beneath him. They don't really kiss _all_ night, as his panic attack and the stress of the day have taken their toll on the Prince, but they do get to kiss for a good long while. His jaw is pleasantly sore by the time he sinks into the pillows next to Kíli and tucks his face into the crook of his neck. His mouth tingles strangely, and his lips feel swollen and puffy, but he likes it. 

When he falls asleep, he can still taste Kíli on his tongue.

And when he wakes up, the sun filtering into the room and bathing everything in a warm golden glow, he leans up to kiss him once more, nuzzling at his face with little kisses in an attempt to wake up him. If anything, Kíli is certainly responsive to them, even in his sleep, and he slowly nudges him towards consciousness with soft noises of delight.

He barely even notes that this is the first night he's gone without being woken by nightmares since being off the drug.

Right now what he wants are more kisses, and breakfast, and a hot bath. Definitely in that order.

Kíli tries to hum happily at the onslaught of kisses on his face but it comes out more like a growl with how rough his voice is still from sleep. It hadn’t taken any time at all for him to register the little pecks against his face but it had taken a few moments to realize that he hadn’t been dreaming. They were real just like the warm body next to him was real.

“Good morning,” he says with an ear to ear smile and one eye just open enough to make out the shape of his brother. He’s not a morning person but that could very easily change if he gets woken up with kissing each morning. It’s definitely the most pleasant way he’s been woken up in a very long time.

“We’ll probably have most of the day to ourselves with everyone still recovering from the party last night,” he mumbles as he stretches. The King for one could definitely sleep in a little longer but he had a feeling that Fíli had other things in mind. Which he didn’t mind actually being fully awake if it meant more kissing.

He rolls onto his side enough that he can press their foreheads together before placing a quick kiss on Fíli’s lips. He wants more of last night too but Dashaw would be in soon with their breakfast and he didn’t want to mentally scar the other dwarf.

Fíli can't help but be delighted by this, curling his arm over Kíli's chest and nuzzling contentedly into his shoulder. He got Kíli for the entire day. Kíli was in _their_ bed, not Nyi's, and Fíli would do everything in his power to keep it that way forever. 

Just because she was prettier, and could give Kíli heirs, and be a Queen that the people loved and accepted, didn't mean that she got to have Kíli. Kíli was _his_ , and no one else's!

He muffles a possessive growl into Kíli's shirt just as Dashaw comes in with the morning meal, and Fíli can smell warm oatcakes and syrup, and the unmistakable scent of fried potatoes with onions and mushrooms. There's also definitely sausage and bacon, Fíli was sure of it.

Kisses momentarily forgotten, and really who could blame Fíli when there was bacon and fried potatoes, he rolls over and out of bed, more than excited at the prospect of food. There'd be a nice, hot breakfast, and then a bath, and then the whole day with Kíli to look forward to, with lots of kissing. And they could talk about the Elf King coming to look at his feet, and training with Dwalin again!

He'd show Kíli he'd make a much better Queen...rather, a better Prince Consort than Nyi ever could, even if they were brothers, and he could not give him sons. 

Kíli is a little less excited by food, choosing to lay in bed for a few minutes before deciding that breakfast smelled delicious and rolling out of bed too. Besides it really wasn't worth lying in if Fíli was across the room and not in bed with him.

“You look tired, Dashaw,” he says with a smile. At least the other dwarf didn't look too hung over. If the King had to bet, half the mountain would be nursing a hangover when they woke up, which probably wouldn't be for a few more hours at least.

“It was a great party last night, my King,” Dashaw replies, polite as always. Kíli just nods in agreement as he sits next to his brother. He wouldn't really know about how the party was since he was here. There is probably a stern talking to coming his way for leaving the party much too early but he doubts he was missed that much. Besides, Fíli needed him and the way they spent the evening had been much better than a party.

He gives his brother a small grin as Dashaw leaves and he starts to dig in to the oatcakes that are almost swimming in the amount of syrup he's poured over them.

Fíli's enthusiasm for breakfast leaves him with Dashaw's exit of the room, and he stares quietly at his plate of bacon, eggs, fried potatoes, and oat cakes, a frown digging into the corners of his mouth.

"I missed the celebration," he sighed, sounding faintly unhappy about this development. He'd been looking forward to it since Kíli promised he'd make it happen. His first year getting to be part of the festivities, instead of the distant onlooker. And he'd missed it, between the crowd that had swarmed him almost immediately, Nyi's confrontation, and his subsequent panic attack. He barely remembered the rest of it, besides Nori taking him back upstairs because of his begging for drugs. 

Nori must think him weak, now, and pathetic.

He hangs his head and pokes listlessly at his breakfast, losing the buzz of happiness that kissing had given him. Kissing was great, and he'd loved every second of it, but there had been plenty of time for kissing _and_ celebrating for Durin's Day. 

“There will be other celebrations that we can go to,” Kíli says gently as he reaches out to put his hand on top of Fíli's. He didn't think that he'd be so disappointed with missing the party because of the way they spent the evening. Maybe he should have pushed a little to go back downstairs and maybe if he had been able to control himself last night, he would have.

There was only one thing that he regretted but he still been happy with the way they spent it. Now that his brother seemed to regret it though, he's a little less happy about it.

“I bet Bombur still has food leftover from last night and more of that chocolate drink too. If you want we can go down at lunch and see,” he tries. The decorations would probably still be up too so they could see those too. It wouldn't be as good as being at the celebration but maybe it would raise Fíli's spirits a little.

“We can even plan the next celebration together too. It'll be much better than anything last night,” Kíli forces a smile as he gives Fíli's hand a gentle squeeze. Even as King he can't bring back the celebration from last night, all he can do is look towards the next one to try and comfort his brother.

Fíli looks up at Kíli and smiles back, leaning sideways so he can rest his cheek on the dwarf's shoulder.

"Not much better than kissing. I liked kissing more than dancing," he murmured softly, closing his eyes. Still, he wasn't necessarily opposed to seeing if Bombur had melted hot chocolate left, or if any of the feast remained. He was quite fond of eating. 

He sits up so he can work on breakfast, feeling a little better, now, and wonders over these future celebrations. The Iron Hills had not celebrated much, though for Fíli he was often drugged or hurting too much to really recognize what was a celebration and what was just another night. Durin's Day had been the only time where Dain was regularly too drunk to function by the time he could get away from the festivities, and Fíli had any peace.

He supposed there were many new things he had to learn, especially now that he was Prince once more.

“I liked kissing more than dancing too,” Kíli agrees. Kissing was definitely much better dancing because he could kiss Fíli anywhere but you couldn't dance everywhere. Actually he couldn't kiss his _brother_ anywhere, not yet anyway. There was a single law standing in his way and he decides then that getting rid of it is going to be the first thing that needs to be taken care of.

The company seemed to mostly support him and Fíli when it came to their relationship. He's sure they would defend his decision to get rid of the law. It might take more time to convince the rest of the Kingdom that it was a good idea but hopefully they would come around in time.

All of that could wait until tomorrow though.

“What would you like to do today besides see Bombur? We have a whole day before we have to worry about our duties as Prince and King,” he asks as he finishes off his oatcakes. 

“I wouldn't mind spending the day in bed personally,” Kíli says with a chuckle.

Fíli stifles a grin into his potatoes, looking sideways at the other dwarf with an amused expression on his face.

"I can't say I am opposed to a day full of kissing, though my mouth is still aching from last night, so perhaps we should take a break occasionally," he laughed, feeling warm and full, and not just from breakfast. 

Shyness creeps over his features, though, when they've both finished, and he brushes his fingers in a circle on the table, trying to find his voice for the words stuck in his throat.

"Master, could we.. Maybe take a bath together? No.. Well, no touching, but maybe some kissing?" he asked finally, stuttering over the request. It wasn't as if Kíli, and Dori, hadn't helped him bathe before he learned how to bathe himself, but it was different bathing _with_ someone. For one thing, it meant Kíli would be unclothed, and very close to him. But he hoped that maybe the bubbles that floated on the water and obscured everything beneath it would help. And it was a very large tub.

"I mean.. I can't promise I won't.. that I won't get scared, but I want to try."

He wanted to share intimacy with Kíli one day. He wanted to learn how to feel good, like the other said he could. And part of that would mean learning how to be comfortable with another naked dwarf. A bath seemed like a nice, neutral, safe way to start.

Kíli's breath catches in his throat and he pauses mid bite of a piece of bacon at Fíli's request. He could think of at least one very good reason why they shouldn't. What if he got hard again while they kissed in the tub and his brother noticed? It could scare him away and they would never kiss again. The last thing he wanted to do was scare him but he couldn't help the way his body reacted either.

If there wasn't going to be any touching though, he could keep himself calm and the bubbles would keep Fíli from seeing his reaction at least if that did happen. And if the other dwarf could try to be naked in a bath while they kissed, he could at least try to keep himself calm.

“I would like that,” he smiles softly, “if you get scared we'll stop just like last night.” He affirms. He hopes that going slow and just kissing will be alright for Fíli.

“You finish eating, I'll go ask them to draw a bath,” Kíli says as he gives a quick kiss to the blond's lips before going out and conversing with the guards. When he comes back, he grabs the unfinished piece of bacon and pops it into his mouth as he sits back down.

Fíli is nervous as the servants bring up the water for their bath, and even more nervous when he waits outside the bathing room for Kíli to undress and climb into it. When he hears the slosh of shifting water, he undresses himself with shaking fingers, almost ready to call the whole thing off.

But no. No, he could _do_ this. Kíli said he'd fought in a great battle, and killed many enemies, and become a hero to their people. He could handle something as innocent as a bath with his brother. 

He took a deep breath and stepped into the bathroom, his hands hiding his lower half even though Kíli's eyes are firmly locked on his own. It's helpful, that the other dwarf doesn't so much as twitch to glance at his body, even though he could, and Fíli steps, quivering with nerves, into the hot water. Dashaw must have used extra bath soap at Kíli's request, because the entire top of the water is frothing with bubbles, and Fíli can't see anything below his shoulders.

The water is warm as he sinks into it, facing Kíli, and the bath is enormous enough that they don't so much as brush their toes together when their knees are drawn up towards their body. 

His heart is hammering in his chest, reflexively afraid that Kíli is going to move towards him now that he's seated. But he doesn't. The other simply sits there, patiently, and waits for him to say something, and Fíli feels hope blooming in his chest.

"I just.. need a minute," he whispers, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath again. 

“Take all the time you need, there's no rush. We can sit in here and just talk, if that makes you more comfortable,” Kíli suggests gently with a small smile. He's perfectly fine with whatever Fíli feels like doing even it was just sitting on separate sides of the tub and talking. At least he was less likely to cause Fíli to panic that way.

He shifts slowly to keep from spooking his brother as he reaches up to undo the braids in his hair. They didn't come out often but he very much preferred not wearing them, one of the few things that have remained the same since they were children.

When he finishes removing the beads, he simply pulls his fingers through dark hair and lets the braids undo themselves. He feels lighter when they're out, like the weight of the responsibility of being King just melts from his shoulders when the braids aren't in his hair.

“We can get a set of silver beads for your hair instead of those wooden ones, if you want. I can put the same designs in them so the only thing that's different about them is the material they're made out of,” Kíli suggests, trying to think of something else to get Fíli's mind off of their current situation. He was much better with carving than metal work but he could at least make beads. If Thorin had allowed him into a forge or wouldn't have questioned who the beads were for, the younger Durin might have made them out of silver to begin with. Wood wasn't very fitting for a Prince but it was all he had back then.

Fíli looks up at that, and touches the polished wooden beads braided into his hair.

"I.. I want to keep the wooden ones, even if I do get silver beads," he murmured, slowly unraveling them the golden strands and cradling them in his palm. He smiles at them wistfully, running his fingers over the carved wood. They were weathered, now, from being worn so often, but they were the first things he ever owned after Dain, the first gift Kíli ever gave him. They were special. 

He sets them carefully aside so they won't get wet, and eyeballs Kíli quietly, contemplating. He then slowly, very slowly, begins to scoot across the bottom of the tub towards him. It takes several long minutes for Fíli to find a position he's comfortable with, but he ultimately ends up seated just above Kíli's knees, having made the King stretch his legs out straight, just close enough that he can kiss if he wants, but far enough that nothing... dangerous is touching.

Making sure Kíli's hands are, for the moment, firmly gripping the edge of the tub, he reaches out cautiously to smooth his hand over the other dwarf's chest. He feels the friction of wet hair, and the softness of the skin and muscle underneath, rippling with strength. Kíli could have forced him many times over in the time Fíli had been in the bath with him, never mind the months since coming to Erebor. 

And he hadn't. He had never done a single thing to make Fíli feel afraid or uncomfortable. 

Very careful to bow himself over Kíli's groin so he doesn't so much as brush against the skin, he rests himself against his chest, head neatly tucked beneath his chin.

"I want to stay with you forever," he whispered softly, enjoying the way their skin sticks with the dampness of sweat and humidity. He loved Kíli more than anything he had ever known in this world. He wanted to spent the rest of their lives together, however long they were. He would become strong, and no one would ever part them again.

Not even Kíli's betrothed.

“I can make a special box for them and they can stay in there while you aren't wearing them. They won't get lost if they have their own box,” Kíli suggest quietly. He knows all about keeping beads safe in boxes and one day he's going to show Fíli his old beads. One day when he remembers what they meant to the two of them and he can decide if he wants them back or if he's going to allow his younger brother to keep them.

He places a gentle kiss to blond hair before nuzzling his nose into it. There's a thought in his head that maybe he does suffer from the gold sickness like Thorin but instead of hoarding precious metals and jewels, the only thing he covets is Fíli's love. He's not sure how he feels about that and at the moment it's hard to find a good reason to care.

“I want to stay with you forever, too,” Kíli replies gently and he fights to keep the sadness out of his voice. He's well aware that once he remembers everything, his brother will probably choose to not be with him anymore. It would be the most painful thing that he's ever done, but he would let Fíli go, knowing full well that he never even deserved precious moments like this.

“I don't really want to get back to my duties tomorrow but I'm looking forward to having you with me all day,” he smiles.

Fíli grows contemplative at that, his fingers combing absently through the hair on Kíli's chest. 

"What sort of things will we be doing tomorrow? Do we have a Council meeting?" He feels strangely excited about that. He couldn't really remember the Council meetings he had attended before being sent away to the Hills, but he was pretty sure they weren't all that enjoyable.

Perhaps it was more about getting to be with Kíli during his day to day routine, now, more than meeting themselves.

"Will I still have lessons with Master Balin and Master Dori? I think I would miss them terribly," he admits, placing a tiny, shy kiss to the hollow of his throat. It feels kind of nice, and getting to watch the goosebumps break out on Kíli's skin is also rather enjoyable.

“Yes, there will be a Council meeting in the morning, although it shouldn't be all that eventful. We'll go over the celebration yesterday and discuss what can be done better for next year and whatever else anyone brings up. Then we have a meeting in the afternoon with Bofur and Bifur to make sure that everything is in order with the guilds and there's nothing we need to see to,” Kíli rambles. 

“You might still have lessons with Balin but Dori said that he's taught you all that he can. That doesn't mean we can't still see him though. I still have paperwork that I need to see to so maybe he can come up and have tea and snacks in here with us while I work,” he thinks out loud. He still planned on keeping the schedule he set up before Fíli was off his Bliss, mostly because he didn't want to overwhelm the new Prince and it was nice to have some down time too.

“We can think of a way for you to still see both of them. Although Balin is my Adviser so you'll still see him even if you don't have lessons with him. And speaking of paperwork, I hope to hear back from King Thranduil soon too about when he can come back,” Kíli says as he moves the hand that's in Fíli's line of sight so that he can gently run his fingers through his golden hair. He still wasn't sure about how Thranduil was going to fix his feet without making it worse, but he did promise that he would support his brother no matter what decision he made.

Fíli sits up so suddenly that the water sloshes to the lip of the tub, staring at Kíli wide eyed. 

"He's really going to come? He's going to fix my feet?" he asked breathlessly before throwing his arms around Kíli, fingers tangling in his wet hair. He doesn't care that it will hurt. Fíli's already in pain, and if a few minutes of pain and a couple weeks of bedrest can fix that, can make it so Fíli can properly fight again, then he doesn't even really need to think about it.

"Thank you, Master. I'll do good, I'll do everything I can to make you proud and be a Prince worthy of Erebor again," he sighed, combing through his dark curls to try and calm the excited beating of his heart. 

It was so strange to think about the future. With Dain there was just making it to the next day, the next meal, the next hit. But with Kíli there was a real _future_ , together. He would learn to fight again, and regain all his memories, and become a real Prince of his people. He'd stand at Kíli's side as an equal again. 

More than anything he wanted to remember, though. He wanted to remember growing up with Kíli, and their lives together. He wanted to remember their burglar, and the quest to take back Erebor. 

He jerks back from Kíli as if struck by lightning and makes a grab for his leg, shoving it up until his knee was above the waterline, fingers questing. When they find what they're looking for, he stalls, tracing the knot of scar tissue that he finds just above his knee.

"I had a dream.. You were struck by an arrow," he mumbled, cupping his palm over the scar as if that would heal it.

"I thought it was just a nightmare.. You were in pain, and I couldn't get to you. I felt so helpless."

Kíli put his hand over Fíli's, remembering perfectly how he got that scar. The next few days were a little blurry since he was focusing on the pain but he could still remember the moment the arrow pierced his leg.

“You were stuck in a barrel at the time,” he starts and threads their fingers together, “we floated in the barrels down the river to escape from the Mirkwood prison. There is a gate on the river though and the elves closed it just before a pack of orcs attacked. Someone had to open the gate again or we were all going to die, as none of us had weapons. I climbed out of mine since I was close and just before I got to the lever, an orc got me with an arrow.” He finishes quietly and lets Fíli digest that for a few moments.

“You wouldn't let me out of your sight after we got out of the barrels and you even bandaged the wound while calling me reckless the whole time,” he smiles. Looking back on it he had been pretty reckless but he couldn't let his family, his friends, his One just be slaughtered in their barrels. Especially when they were so close to their goal and finally free of Thranduil's halls. He had to fight himself to make sure that he didn't throw himself at Fíli and never let go once Bilbo had freed them.

“I wouldn't change what I did though. I didn't want to see our friends, to see you, die at the hands of orcs.”

Fíli looks distraught at this, staring down at the puckered skin. What if the arrow had been poisoned? What if it hit an artery, or got infected, or had hit something more vital than his leg?

He leans down to rest his forehead against Kíli's knee, shaking at the memory of his fear and panic over the injury, over the thought of losing his brother. If that dream had been true, then how many others had been memories rising to the surface?

With a soft brush of his lips, Fíli kisses the scar before sliding back up again and burrowing against his chest, hiding in the safe space of his throat.

"Tell me about our journey, again. I want to hear everything, from our arrival at the burglar's, to taking back the mountain. It's.. I know it's such an important part of our lives, and I can't.. I can only remember pieces of it. I don't even know if all of them are real. Or if my dreams and nightmares have truth in them. But I want to know. I want to know about my life, about our lives."

Kíli smiles to himself, remembering that he had told Fíli about their adventures while he was sick but he's more than happy to recount the tale again. He talks about Bag End where Bilbo lived and how unhappy he was that not only were there thirteen uninvited dwarves in his home, but that they all started throwing around the dishes too. He talks about he talks about Bofur making the poor hobbit faint with tales of Smaug and then everyone gathering and singing in the den. When they left the next day Bilbo hadn't been with them then but he joined up with them just as they were leaving the Shire, having run all the way to catch up.

Then there's traveling and losing the ponies and the trolls. They had put Bilbo in real danger by sending him in alone and they both were yelled at for it when Thorin remembered after they were finally free. Then there's the troll hoard and Radagast the brown and running across Middle Earth from wargs and orcs before ending up in Rivendell. He doesn't talk about the elf maid he winked at or the not elf maid that he admitted wasn't too bad looking. That was embarrassing enough once and he was convinced Fíli didn't want to hear about who he was flirting with. Even if it was because he had been hoping to get some kind of rise out of his brother.

Then they snuck away from Rivendell before the elves could stop them and the stone giants. He talks about how they were separated and how scared he was and then again when they had fallen into goblin town. Gandalf saved them of course and they escaped only to be chased down by wargs and orcs before being carried off by the Great Eagles.

Kíli talks about being chased by orcs again after they rested on the Carrock and by a huge bear that turned out to be their host Beorn. He also talks about the giant bees that the giant man kept and how delicious the honey they made was. He laughs when he tells his brother about how Beorn called Bilbo a “little bunny”. Then Beorn lent them ponies to get to the Mirkwood where they were lost for, well he's not sure how long, until they were ambushed by giant spiders.

Bilbo saved them from the spiders and named his sword sting at the same time. Then the King talks about the elves that ambushed them right after and Captain Tauriel saving his life from one of them when he was dragged away from the group. They spent weeks in King Thranduil's dungeon because Thorin wouldn't take a deal but Captain Tauriel did sit with him a few times and they talked about different things. At least until Bilbo freed them by stuffing them in barrels and sending them down river. He briefly goes over his injury again and then how they all fought off orcs as they made their way down the river. He talks about Bombur flying over them in his barrel and knocking out huge groups of their enemies and probably a few elves too.

Then they managed to out run the orcs and found a safe spot to get out of the barrels and that was when Fíli wrapped up his leg and also where they met Bard. The Man was reluctant to help them at first but with the promise of coin he snuck them into Lake Town in fish filled barrels. It was gross and to this day the smell of fish makes him scrunch up his face. At least he could still eat apples unlike Fíli.

Kíli talks about Bard's children and how they had to sneak into the armory to get the weapons they needed to continue on. Only they were caught because he couldn't admit just how badly his leg hurt and when he tried to go down the stairs he fell. He had worried that he had gotten them all imprisoned again but the Master leant them armor and supplies instead, for a cut of the treasure of course. Thorin had wanted to leave him behind though because as hard as he tried, he couldn't hide the limp he had. He tells Fíli about how he told Thorin that he would carry him up the mountain and that if Kíli didn't go, then he wouldn't either.

Thorin couldn't have both of his nephews, one being his heir, miss such a huge moment so he put Fíli in charge of making sure Kíli could keep up. They were working with a small time window after all. Fíli did just that and they were both able to enter Erebor with their King when Bilbo actually figured out the riddle on the map.

Then there was dealing with Smaug and how the Hall of Kings got its gold floor and Bard killing Smaug. Then there's the days of watching Thorin fall deeper and deeper into the gold sickness before the battle.

“You know the rest after that,” Kíli finishes just as the water starts to go cold.

Fíli's eyes are hooded as Kíli recounts the tale of their quest. Pieces start to fit together, drifting fragments of memory finding their places in his timeline. 

"We get chased by orcs a lot," he comments finally, leaning back so he can offer the other dwarf a smile. He remembers carrying Kíli, too, and the elves, and Bard. He especially remembers the red haired she-elf that saved Kíli from death from the spiders, and from the orcs. When he'd been helpless, she'd rescued him from harm. He can't recall if he ever had the chance to thank her, but he bets she'll come with the Elf King when he comes to heal Fíli's feet.

He doesn't quite understand how they have peace with the elves, though, after their imprisonment. He's pretty sure the answer is still locked away in his head, so he doesn't voice this question.

With a fond look, Fíli reaches out to run his fingers through Kíli's beard, so much longer than the bearded dwarf in his memories.

"You weren't heavy. I would have carried you all the way back to the Shire if I had to," he murmured, leaning in to rest his forehead against Kíli's. He remembered snarling this at many members of the company, who kept insisting he stop, that he rest and catch up later. 

Fíli was going to be there when that door opened and they saw the halls of their forefathers for the first time, and Kíli was going to be right there beside him. They were the only ones that stayed after the sun sank below the horizon, still hoping, desperately, that Bilbo would figure out the way inside. 

"I am glad you were there with me, when we took our first step inside our homeland. I belonged by your side, whether that was in Erebor, or back at Laketown."

If Kíli had truly been too injured to move, then Fíli would have stayed with him, without a moment of hesitation. Their place was together, no matter where that was.

Kíli has to close his eyes to keep Fíli from seeing the tears that had started to gather there. Even if most of his memories were still missing, he still felt like they belonged side by side and it gives him hope that maybe, just maybe, they’ll always be like that. For as far back as he could remember it had always been them against the world, Fíli _and_ Kíli, a matched set. He had been so afraid that Fíli would leave to go with their Uncle even as he tried to convince his brother to do just that. He understood that they would slow them down and it was a huge blow to think that he wouldn’t be there when they first entered Erebor but he didn’t want to rob his brother of that too.

Maybe he should have been embarrassed to be carried but he had just been too happy that Fíli wouldn’t leave him behind to care.

“And I belong by yours. I tried to get you to stop arguing with Thorin and just go since I thought that at least one of us should have been there. You were stubborn though and I’ve never been so glad for it,” he says as he tries to swallow the lump in his throat. The years that followed had been hard not only because he worried about the horrors Fíli was going through but because they were well and truly separated. For five years he wandered the halls feeling like he was missing a huge part of himself.

The younger Durin wants to drag his brother closer to his body and kiss him until the water truly froze but they’re still naked and he doesn’t want to scare Fíli. So instead he nuzzles their noses together and places a gentle kiss on his lips.

Fíli sighs against Kíli's lips, a content little noise of happiness. He nuzzles him back, tongue curious against Kíli's lower lip, wondering if this was allowed again like last night.

"I want to learn more about kissing," he whispered, nose nudged alongside his brother's, refusing to move even an inch apart from him, though still settled a safe distance on his knees. He didn't care that the water was growing cool, or that goosebumps are starting to break out on his skin. He doesn't want to stop kissing Kíli, or touching him, or just generally being close to him.

"I love you. Master... Master Kíli."

It was the first time he'd spoken the other dwarf's name out of something besides rage, and while 'Master' is still tacked on, it's certainly a step in the right direction. Fíli's face is flushed with embarrassment and uncertainty, but there's a faint glint of triumph in his expression. 

Little by little, step by step, he was distancing himself from the beaten down dwarf Dain had created, and becoming more and more like himself again.

One day at a time.

“I love you too, Fíli,” Kíli says with a proud smile. It's nice to finally hear his name on his brother's lips full of love instead of anger. Even if 'Master' is still being said, finally being called something else besides just that makes his heart swell.

“Well if it means that we get to kiss more, I'll happily teach you,” he grins before pressing a quick kiss to the corner of Fíli's mouth. He would teach him all about kissing and then of course he was going to need to practice what he was taught. The younger Durin would be happy to be teacher and kissing practice partner. Those were roles that he could definitely fill.

“You can lick my lips again if you want, I like that,” he tells his brother, keeping their lips just a hair's breadth apart while he talks. When he's done he kisses Fíli fully, letting him take the lead this time. In the back of his mind he's glad that not only that the water is cool but that the other dwarf is sitting back on his knees. Those will help keep him calm and he won't have to make up a reason to be alone.

Fíli has one hand gripping Kíli's upper arm and the other buried in his hair as they kiss again, feeling bold as he licks at his lips, startled when they part and he delves into the dwarf's mouth. It tastes like it had last night, but now with the additional flavor of breakfast clinging there. It was strange, thinking that Kíli tasted of bacon and toast with jam and potatoes, but it was rather pleasant. 

He wonders if he tastes the same.

The golden haired dwarf is almost dizzy with lack of air by the time he pulls away, breathing harshly through his nose and with a flush settled high on his cheeks. He wanted to kiss Kíli everywhere. He wanted to go to the Council meeting and sit on his lap and kiss him through the entire thing. He wants to find Nyi and make her watch as he kisses _his_ Kíli.

Fíli wonders, briefly, before he's kissing Kíli again, if he should feel bad for his vicious thoughts concerning Nyi, especially if she was telling the truth and she was to be Kíli's Queen.

But if it was, then, she'd win no matter how many angry, selfish things Fíli said in his mind, and it did make him feel better to pretend, for now, that Kíli belonged only to him, and no one else. 

Kíli tries not to moan with Fíli's tongue in his mouth and he does in fact taste like their breakfast. Which just makes kissing his brother that much better because he absolutely loves bacon and toast with jam. Maybe one day they could feed each other or eat off each other but he has to file that thought away for another day.

He wants to pull the other dwarf close again, with the water going cool it would be nice to feel that warmth and that closeness. Instead all he does is slide a hand into golden hair and tangles his fingers in it. The other hand rests gently on Fíli's shoulder instead of wrapping around his waist like he might of done if not for the circumstances.

A shiver runs down his spine that has more to do with the water instead of the way his brother's tongue is exploring his mouth. With a quick suck on Fíli's tongue, he pulls back to gauge his reaction, panting from the lack of air and his heart pounding in his chest. He wants to kiss down his neck and suck a little, just over the pulse. There's a part of him that wants to leave a big purple mark too but that's easy to squash when he thinks about the golden haired dwarf's past.

Fíli's starting to feel hot in places he doesn't wish to feel hot in, and he forces himself to pull away from Kíli, looking miserable and unhappy as he does so.

"I'm sorry, I just.. need a second," he whispered, cupping water in his palms and scrubbing it against his face to try and cool himself down, knees drawn up in front of himself. He's so frustrated with himself, because he wants this. He _wants_ to be closer to Kíli, and share intimacy with him. But he can't get over his fears, his absolute conviction that there will be pain, and he hates that. He hates that, even now, Dain still controls him and keeps him from what he wants most.

He stands up suddenly and steps out of the tub, grabbing a fresh bathrobe from the hook on the door and jamming it on with hands that shook with anger. Fíli doesn't want to just _survive_ , he wants to live, and he can't if the shadow of Dain keeps hovering just over his shoulder.

With a frustrated huff, he storms out of the bathroom and throws himself onto the bed, now in the throes of full blown misery.

He was getting better, he was _healing_ , and no matter how well he did, no matter how far he got, Dain was always there, just over his shoulder, snarling venom in his ear. 

Kíli sinks down in the tub until the water is up to his nose as Fíli storms out. He’s not sure what’s going on and he’s almost sure it's not something he did but there’s just enough doubt to make him worry. It doesn’t matter either way, he knows that he needs to be out there with his brother. If he needs to apologize for maybe going too fast then he will, if not then maybe he can get him to open up about what’s bothering him.

With that decided he gets out of the tub and grabs the other bathrobe, throwing it on before he heads out into their bedroom. He makes sure the robe is tied closed, he even considers getting fully dressed for a moment before he sits on the bed next to the other dwarf.

“Fíli?” He asks quietly, “I’m sorry if I did something that was too much. We don’t have to do that again if you don’t want to.” He chews on the inside of his lip as he reaches out to tuck a few strands of damp hair behind his ear.

“You can tell me if it was, I won’t be mad. I just need to know so that I don’t do it again,” Kíli murmurs. He doesn’t like thinking that he’s scared Fíli but if he did then he definitely doesn’t want to do it again.

Fíli shakes his head and slowly sits up, rubbing miserable at eyes that are just a little too bright to be natural.

"It's not you.. I'm just.. I'm so frustrated," he whispered, knotting the belt of his robe between his fingers and staring resolutely at his lap.

"I want to be closer to you.. I want to kiss, and to touch, and to share intimacy. But every time I come close, or I feel too good, I can hear _him_ in my head."

He leans sideways so he can press against Kíli's neck, finding solace in the snug space beneath his chin. Fíli desperately wants to close those last few inches between their bodies. He wants to be _with_ Kíli, in every sense of the word.

But he can't. Not while Dain still haunts his steps and his nightmares.

"I'm sorry," he says in a small voice, curling his fingers through Kíli's dark hair, feeling the exhaustion settle heavy on his shoulders.

“You have nothing to apologize for, Fíli,” Kíli says gently, slightly relieved that he wasn't the reason that he stormed out.

“What he did to you, that's going to take time to heal. You can't rush it just like you can't rush physical wounds and there's no time limit. We can take things in baby steps, as slow as you need to go, and if you're only comfortable with kissing that's fine with me,” he tries to reassure his brother.

“I want to be intimate with you too but I want you to be comfortable and enjoy it if we ever get to that point,” he says easily as he presses a kiss into Fíli's golden hair. He knows that he wouldn't have gotten into that tub if Fíli was still under the effects of the Bliss. Dain obviously didn't have a problem with it but thinking of laying with his brother like that made him want to be sick.

“I’m just glad that you're here with me and that you want to kiss me at all,” Kíli whispers. He's always surprised that Fíli wants to share the same bed with him or actually wants to sit in his lap or cuddle up to him like this.

Fíli manages a very tiny smile and lets his eyes fall shut, stomach fluttering faintly at how close they were. He can feel the line of Kíli's thigh against his own, and it isn't really so bad. It's warm, and he can feel the muscle and strength through the thin cotton of their robes. 

He wants to imagine them bared and between his own thighs, pressing close.. 

A shiver runs down his spine and he pulls away from Kíli, shaking his head to dispel the memory of Dain forcing his legs apart, of rough hands grabbing and bruising. 

"When will King Thranduil be here to fix my feet?" Fíli asks quietly, turning so that he can press his face into the pillow once more. He wants to be healed so he can fight, again. He wants to learn how to fight and wield his swords and axes. 

He wants to be capable of driving a blade right into Dain's belly if the dwarf ever came to the Lonely Mountain, over and over until his guts spilled across the rock and the ravens feasted on his flesh.

“Soon, hopefully. We'll probably get his letter tomorrow once everyone has recovered from the celebrations,” Kíli sighs. He knows that Dain will always haunt Fíli and he wishes that he had the words that could banish him from his brother's memories. He doesn't want Fíli to suffer any more because of that vile dwarf.

“He seemed truly interested in helping you so I'm sure he'll be back as soon as he can. I think he started to like you when he was helping to heal you after the battle,” he says with a small smile. He wouldn't be surprised if that was the case, a lot of people liked Fíli. What he went through in the Iron Hills might have Thranduil offering his help easier too. It would be hard for anyone good to just turn away from helping.

“Dwalin can start training you while we wait for his return though. It will probably just be basic movements but it'll be a start,” Kíli assures him. He doubted that training would take long once Fíli's body remembers the training it's been going through since Thorin deemed them old enough.

“Do you want to get dressed and go down to see Bombur?” He tries, hoping to find something to get his brother to smile again.

Fíli does smile faintly as he imagines training with Dwalin, rolling over onto his back so that he can look up at Kíli again. 

"Not yet. I want to stay here a little longer and kiss," he sighed softly, tipping his head to the side and waiting for Kíli to react. He wanted Kíli to lay on top of him while they kissed. He wanted to know what it felt like to have someone on top of you, who wasn't about to hurt you. Kíli had laid against him a little bit before, but, this time Fíli wanted him to put his full weight on him, and maybe even between his legs. 

He doesn't want to be afraid, anymore. He hates the fear that won't go away, that lingered after every nightmare and resurfaced memory. He just wanted to be with Kíli, and be happy together, and all the Dains and Nyis of the world would just have to deal with it. 

A sudden idea strikes him, and he has to bite his tongue to keep from voicing the sudden aha! moment before Kíli kisses him again, eyes going wide. 

If he wanted confirmation on whether Nyi's words were true, without Kíli getting wind of him asking, there was one person he could turn to, one he knew would never speak with Kíli.

Thorin. 

Kíli doesn’t look over his brother’s body when he has an idea of what he wants. Instead he searches Fíli’s face to make sure that he’s truly comfortable with this and not just trying to force himself for his sake. The younger Durin really would wait forever but other than saying that he has no idea how to truly convey that.

“We can stay here and kiss as long as you want,” he says with a smile, making sure the knot of the belt around the robe is cinched tight before he moves. He would love to lay above Fíli for a change but at the same time he doesn’t want his brother to feel trapped beneath him. Not when it would only take a word from him for Kíli to remove himself and sit on the other side of the bed or even the room if that made Fíli feel better.

He rests their foreheads together and rubs their noses together before he finally closes the little distance between them and kisses Fíli. It’s gentle and slow just like the movements he makes until he’s draped across his brother’s chest. It was fine with him if the other dwarf wanted him to lay on top but he was going to go slow and let Fíli acclimate as they went, always making sure that he was comfortable.

Fíli silences a shiver before it can begin as Kíli's weight slowly settles on top of him. He unconsciously spreads his legs so that the other dwarf can rest between them, bringing them even closer together. He's nervous, that's undeniable, with only the thin cotton of the robes between their bodies, but it doesn't really feel all that.. threatening. 

When Dain had forced his way on top of Fíli, it always promised pain and misery. But he rarely took Fíli this way, if he could avoid it. He didn't like seeing his face when he violated him, so he'd force him to roll over onto hands and knees and take him like a dog. 

Kíli's weight was warm, and gentle, and he smelled of soap and wood smoke rather than of ale. His beard was a nice, soft scratch against his cheeks, and not a massive, uncomfortable thing creating a rash against his back and full of metal that dragged furrows in his skin with sharp edges.

Fíli reaches up to comb his fingers through his beard as they kiss, closing his eyes and drinking in the smell and taste of his brother. Everything is so different from Dain, or his son, or any of the other foul nobles that touched him in the Hills. There's just Kíli, and he knows he could never be with another besides him.

When the kiss ends, he leans up to press their foreheads together and allows himself to relish the moment, one hand slipping to card through his damp brown curls.

"Never grow out your beard. I like it just the way it is," he sighed, nuzzling their cheeks together and liking the way their matching beards rub and catch against each other. 

Kíli chuckles as he nuzzles back, also enjoying the way their beards rub together and he’s tempted to be a little sorry that he hadn’t had this much of a beard five years ago. Archery, and ale, had kept him sane back then though and he never would have tried to use his bow with this much facial hair.

“If you like it like this, then that’s the way it’ll stay,” he murmurs and brings their foreheads together again. It's nice to see his brother’s blue eyes clear of the fog that the Bliss brought on. Just knowing that he doesn’t use it anymore has given the brunet a sense of relief, knowing that he wouldn’t have to watch Fíli go through any more seizures like he had on the road.

He kisses Fíli again as he moves gently to rest between his legs. He stays up on his hands and knees before lowering himself down to his elbows to bring their chests together again. It feels strangely intimate to even take laying on top of him so slowly like this. Maybe it's because they haven’t done this before or because his brother has but never been with someone that loved him.

“Okay?” Kíli asks as he lowers himself down the rest of the way until he’s laying fully on his brother.

Fíli lets the shiver be noticed, this time, as it travels down his spine, and this time it's a good shiver, not a scared shiver. Kíli is warm, and solid, and Fíli likes the weight of him against his body. Instead of being scary or unnerving, it's reassuring. It means that Kíli is really here, and that this all isn't a cruel dream.

"Very okay," he whispers, resting his forehead against Kíli's shoulder and taking a moment to memorize how everything feels. He wants to stay like this for the rest of the day, and he lifts his leg a little to rub it against Kíli's, liking the press of warm skin. 

Even the faint bulge of his groin against Fíli's own doesn't feel threatening, and he experiments a little by raising his hips, flushing slightly at the heat blooming in his belly at the friction this creates. It feels surprisingly enjoyable, but also incredibly familiar, and Fíli lays back against the pillows to study Kíli's face, his brows furrowed in concentration.

He can feel the memory. It's right there, waiting for him to snatch at it and remember. But then it's gone, and he's left with a vague feeling of déjà vu and pursed lips. 

"Have we.. done this before? It feels like we have, only I can't really remember," he says finally, knowing that Kíli's bound to be a little confused by the abruptness of Fíli's movements. 

"Once but not quite like this," Kíli replies. He is a little confused but he’s also enjoying them as well. It’s all so familiar but different at the same time.

“The night before you were sent away, we finally admitted our feelings for each other and we kissed for the first time and more. I had you pressed against the bathroom door and we uh,” he swallows hard and hides his blushing cheeks by nuzzling against Fíli’s, “we rubbed against each other until we were both coming in our pants,” He whispers. He’s not embarrassed by what they had done but he is a little embarrassed that he didn’t have the composure to try and get them to the bed. He remembers wanting to get to the bed and to kiss every inch of his brother’s body but he had also been afraid that moving would break the spell.

“We spent some time in here, on this bed, talking about what the future held for us since Thorin was making you get married,” he says a little distantly. Over the years he’s wondered what would have happened if he hadn’t listened to Balin, if he had gone straight to his room instead of interrupting Fíli and Mysan. Kíli would have forced himself through the wedding ceremony but would have skipped the reception. He wasn’t strong enough for both and maybe Fíli would have been mad at him for it.

“It was one of the best nights I’ve had,” Kíli says with a smile.

Fíli nods faintly, looking sideways as if he could look back at the past and see everything Kíli was describing, a frown digging into the corners of his mouth. So Thorin had tried to marry him off, as well? They were still quite young for dwarves, there was no reason for them to be wed already, or for heirs to be made. There were plenty of Durins left in their line even if neither he nor Kíli had sons. There was Balin, and Dwalin, for one, and Gloin and his son Gimli, too, if distantly. Even Dain was of the line of Durin, though it'd be dry day in the Misty Mountains before he or his spawn took the throne of Erebor.

His train of thought completely derails, though, when he fully acknowledges everything Kíli has just said, and he sits up so suddenly that the other dwarf almost falls off the bed.

"We.. We made love, before I was taken away?" he asked in a voice so desperately strained by hope it was almost heartbreaking to hear. Technically, that wasn't really true, since all they'd done was rut against each other to completion. But the details of it didn't matter because it was still Fíli's first sexual experience, of any kind, regardless of whether Kíli had actually been inside him or not, or even whether they were undressed. 

"My first time was with you. Not.. Not him. He didn't take that away from me."

Fíli throws himself at his brother, and this time they really do fall off the bed, but he doesn't even care as they roll to a stop by the desk, his arms wrapped tight around Kíli's shoulders and his face buried in his neck.

"You were my first.. You, only you.. He didn't take that from me, he can't have that, not anymore, because it was you..!"

Kíli chuckles dryly as he runs a hand through his brother’s hair. He wants to say that he hadn’t been Fíli’s first, not really, but at the same time that was admitting that Dain was and he was sure that neither of them really wanted that to be true. Kíli would gladly accept that he was Fíli’s for their own sakes and to spite Dain.

“We did make love that night, so I guess I was your first,” he reassures the blond dwarf with a smile. There’s a tinge of guilt in his chest that his One wasn’t his first but that’s not something he could change. He hasn’t had anyone since he came to terms with his love for Fíli, even in the years he was gone and Kíli was being pushed at Nyi, he’d never had another.

Thankfully Thorin had demanded a proper courtship which involved chaperones to prevent any children before the marriage ceremony. Not that Kíli really needed them, Nyi wasn’t Fíli and that was more than enough to prevent any fooling around.

“It was a very good night and I hope you remember it one day,” he smiles as he places a kiss to Fíli’s forehead. He momentarily forgets that was the same night that he promised to protect his brother from Dain and it was the same night that he had received the beads that could be taken away from him if it was found out that he still had them.

Fíli smiles in contented delight, nuzzling his face into his chest and trying to keep the wave of unbridled happiness from bursting out of him. He'd lived all these years believing that his first had only ever been Dain, that the only sexual experiences he had ever known came from that monster and his privileged friends. But it wasn't true, anymore, because he'd been intimate with Kíli first, the very night before he was taken away from his home.

Kíli was his first, and his only.

Dain had taken a lot of things from Fíli, namely his honor and his dignity.

But this was something he could never have. Not anymore.

A bubble of laughter escapes him, and once that happens he can't stop more from coming. He doesn't know when the laughter became tears, and it takes several minutes for him to get back under control, the front of Kíli's robe damp with them. 

"He can never have it again.. Because it's mine and yours, and no one else's," he whispered, tucked against Kíli's side with an arm firmly wrapped around his middle, sounding almost reverent with this new knowledge.

Now, more than ever, he was determined to keep Kíli and thwart Nyi. No one was going to take him away, not again. 

Kíli isn’t sure why Fíli is crying but he holds him and runs his fingers through his hair as he waits for his brother to calm back down. He guesses that it could be a little overwhelming to find out that the first time you were with someone sexually was out of love instead of being forced like you previously thought. The idea that he got to give Fíli one night of love before he was taken away warms his heart just a little. It’s hard to feel too proud when he knows what happened the next day and for the next five years.

“Just ours,” he agrees with a kiss to the blond dwarf’s forehead. They lay on the floor for awhile before the cold stone gets to be too uncomfortable, at least for Kíli, and he has to stand to warm up. 

“Let’s go see Bombur and see what’s left from last night,” he suggests as he extends a hand to help his brother up. It really was too bad that Fíli didn’t get to enjoy the party and that he would have to wait another year to experience at least something as grand as a Durin’s Day party again.

Or maybe not. As Kíli is dressing he comes up with a way for Fíli to experience a party just for him and that the whole kingdom wouldn’t be invited too. It would be hard to keep his naming day party a secret but he should be able to pull it off with help from the company. He’d ask Bombur to make his favorite foods and cake, while Dori helped him decorate. Balin could help him sneak away if he needed to and training with Dwalin would help provide further distraction.

It was perfect.

**Author's Note:**

> [Fanmix inspired by the fic.](http://8tracks.com/f-ili/if-the-sky-comes-falling-down)
> 
> **We are now tracking the tumblr tag "fic: if the sky comes falling down" if people want to post liveblogs/comments/fanart or what have you there. :)**


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